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Am I out of line being bothered by roommate's girlfriend?


Salucious

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My roommate's girlfriend is over at our place all the time now. My roommate and I have a small, 2-bedroom apartment and he's been with his girlfriend for about 7 months now. She seems nice enough (I wouldn't date her) although when it comes to women my friend has always "settled." I'm pretty sure if some other more attractive girl showed interest him he'd drop her in a heartbeat. He also seems to be totally whipped, he's been without a job for 6 months and I think she pays for most of their dates/outings. He said he will most likely move in together; he says she is so eager to do it she mentioned maybe moving in with us before I move out in May. I told him NO that is not going to happen.

 

Yet in the past 2-3 weeks, she's probably spend more nights here than at her own place. It was bad enough I had to overhear them giggling, slapping each other's asses, and fooling around on the weekends, now she stays over sunday and weeknights too. She even has her own shampoo/conditioner/body wash/loofah in our bathroom! Even though they primarily stay in my roommate's bedroom most of the time, it's annoying to have to turn on my TV or run the washer or dryer just so I don't overhear them.

 

I agreed to live with my friend, NOT him and his girlfriend. The crazy thing is she has her own place and lives alone. They could spend time at her place and have more privacy but they never ever go there, aparently because her place is smaller/not as nice and she doesn't have a TV (she gave her HDTV to him). I don't know how to bring this up to my friend, he's probably been suspicious of my behavior because I've been so irritated by this I've been ignoring him lately.

 

Part of my concern is that even if I tell him about this, he is so whipped he probably wouldn't do anything about it. He knows I do not aprove of her moving in with us, yet she's over so much, you'd think she already did. What do I do?

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Well the first issue I see is that you are being a bit judgemental about your roomate and his girlfriend. Whether you find her attractive or not doesnt mean he has "settled" and honestly you come off sounding kind of rude there. Im sorry, but I felt that needed to be said first.

 

Secondly, everything else you have said is correct. Its your place, you two agreed to live there and he has gone beyond the bounds of what you consider acceptable. I think you just need to take some time and talk to him. Try not to be accusatory or rude or anything, just let him know how it all makes you feel and see if you two can come to some sort of compromise. Either that, or continue the way things are and continue being annoyed by it and living unhappily while he has no idea.

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I don't think you are out of line. But I think you need to talk to him (when she's not there).

 

"Hey - do you think you guys think you could spend one or two nights/week at your gf's place? Your gf is great but I'm starting to feel a little crowd-y. It's a little overwhelming, dude."

 

That's about all you CAN do without starting a war...

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I've always chalked this sort of thing up to one of the pitfalls of having a roomie.

My bf has a roomie, and at first when I would go over there I would just stay quietly in his room, then the roomie asked why I don't come out to the living room to hang out more!

This was pretty cool. The three of us get along really well, and I felt kinda warm and fuzzy when he expressed interest in hanging out with me. Maybe if you try and socialize a bit with her when she's not in his room things will be a bit less awkward?

As for the noise factor, that's rather annoying, I agree. I would casually say something to your friend about it, as he probably doesn't know how much you can hear, and probably thinks that because they are always in his room that it's not bothering you. Maybe if you burst his privacy bubble (gently) he will be more motivated to spend more time at her place.

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It can be very annoying to have someone in your home (whom you did not agree to live with) for extended periods of time. Most people don't want company around all the time. I find it very difficult to relax in my place if there are people constantly there.

 

Talk you roommate, be polite but firm.

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I'm only posting to comment - your friend hasn't been employed in 6 months, his girlfriend pays for all the dates/gave him her TV, and he is settling? No offense, but he sounds like a loser. I mean, are guys delusional or what?

Many men are, I think it's their hormones or something. Yeah, this lady is settling BIG TIME! Still, it is rude of her bf to have her over there all the time. She should find a guy with his OWN place! Problem solved.

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As someone who has been in the girlfriend's shoes, I'm comfortable in saying that you are not out of line. My situation was almost identical, except that when my bf and I met, I also had a roommate. And then I ended up moving into my parent's place to save money. Though I ended up staying at my bf's place about 5-6 nights a week. There were a few times I thought about asking my bf's roommate (when my bf was in another room or out briefly) if he was okay with me being there. I honestly never wanted to be a nuisance or an unwelcomed guest. I never did ask though, and part of me regrets it, and part of me thinks that it should have been something that either A) the roommate should have gone to my bf about if it bothered him, or B) my bf could have asked his roommate if it bothered him (because we didn't get much indication that it did, but I suppose he could've double-checked).

 

I think if it bothers you, you need to say something to your roommate. Like someone else said, there would be nothing wrong with asking him to spend a few nights a week at her place. Try to compromise. Whatever you do, don't tell the gf she isn't welcome. She might not even realize she's bothering you, and it'll just make things awkward not only between you and her, but her and your roommate. This is something you and your roommate need to deal with and discuss. Then he can discuss with her.

 

Hope this helps. Try to hang in there, it's already half-way through March. May is just around the corner!

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I'm only posting to comment - your friend hasn't been employed in 6 months, his girlfriend pays for all the dates/gave him her TV, and he is settling? No offense, but he sounds like a loser. I mean, are guys delusional or what?

 

This is part of what bothers me, we were good friends the first few years we were roommates (while we were both still in college). Then he graduated (actually he had to settle for a associates degree because he kept slacking off and failed too many classes to get a bachelor's degree), and since then he has not had a full-time job (for over a year). Ever since we came to this new apartment he kept talking of jobs he's gotten or was "guaranteed" but none of them ever got going. He has always been late on his half of the rent and whenever I'd ask him if he's current with rent he'd say yes (every couple months we'd get a statement saying we owed like $1,000 or more, and when I say we I mean him). He's a pathalogical liar, whenever he gets into trouble (financially, scholastically, socially, etc.) he just lies or ignores the problem until it blows up in his face. It's like he refuses to own up to his responsibilities and grow up. If he had had any sense, instead of moving into this new apartment with me, knowing he had no way of paying, then getting into crazy debt and ruining both our credit history, he should have just moved back with his parents (which was an option, they are good people) until he found a steady job/his own place. Now he has this girlfriend who is basically an enabler; actually at one point they broke up because she was upset he hadn't had a job for months then they got back together for some reason. Because she has supported him all this time now he's not likely to give her up and I can't imagine she's got the self respect to actually look for a grown-up man (by the way, she's almost 30 and my friend is 25).

 

So the fact my roommate's girlfriend is constantly over at our place invading my living space is just compounded by the fact that my roommate is far from a responsible adult and has caused more grief than he is worth a friend. I haven't had many good friends in my life, I have none here other than him, but it seems like I've grown out of this friendship. But I'm too busy with school and trying to graduate to deal with moving, but I'm not leaving until May. It will be hard to have a serious conversation about this with him without getting irritated and yelling at him to grow up...

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How much longer is on your lease? I would not agree to live with him under any circumstance every again.

 

Well I already know that once I graduate, I'll be moving back home temporarily, unless I get into any of the internships I am applying to, in which case I'd move to wherever the internship is (alone). I'm debating whether or not to confront him at all about it, because if he does do something about it (have her & him spend less time here) he'll have to convince his girlfriend to change that routine, which means he'll have to tell her something about me not liking her here all the time. So he'll either be whipped and not change anything, or I'll get his girlfriend mad at him and cause him trouble. And this may sound harsh/rude but I genuinely don't care for his girlfriend. I'm weird when it comes to befriending people, and while on the surface she seems like a decent person, normally I wouldn't be friends with her. She's got issues of her own I could write a whole different post on.

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The prob is that you didnt' set boundaries in the beginning about overnight guests. I would say that if she stayed more this week, let it slide, but if it becomes a habit, talk to your friend when she is not there. Say"hey, what's the deal with you and Sally. I noticed that she has been here all week. Is she moving in?" And see what he says. Then say "you know, this place is pretty small, if she is going to stay here so much, maybe we need to talk about you buying more of the shampoo and soap and groceries." Or maybe "if she stays here for most of the week, maybe we should refigure how the rent is divided." but i would go with the grocery/soap thing - the rent thing sounds harsh if you share a lease or don't have the power to make that decision. It may be enough for him to think about things

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Well the things is that it wouldn't solve the problem. The problem is that I agreed to share this apartment with one person and now I'm sharing it with 2, like someone whom I didn't invite started spending the day/night and I have no say in it. And she's already spending a lot of time here. I'd say in the past 2-3 weeks, she's spent more nights here than at her own place. And I'd rather she spend less time here than her pay part of the rent and continue to spend the same amount of time here. She does spend enough time here that she has her own toiletries in the bathroom/shower, although she never eats my food (we always keep our food separate). But nevertheless, it's the fact that she's constantly staying over despite me being clear with my roommate I would NOT approve of her moving in here. I have a feeling he realizes this and is hoping I'll ignore it, and like I said, he is so whipped he would never suggest to her that they spend time at her place; unless I say something to him, which I probably will.

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I'm only posting to comment - your friend hasn't been employed in 6 months, his girlfriend pays for all the dates/gave him her TV, and he is settling? No offense, but he sounds like a loser. I mean, are guys delusional or what?

 

The job market is really tough at the moment, especially if you lack experience, unemployed people aren't all losers! I am unfortunately unemployed and my boyfriend pays for me because I have no money (which I hate!) and while I really want a job I can't force someone to employ me any quicker, all I can do is keep trying, people making horrible judgements just make things worse.

 

As for the roommate thing I can understand how it'd be annoying to have their partner around all the time. a couple of nights a week is ok but when it goes too far it's crowding and overwhelming. I think there isn't much you can do other than talk to him about it, and make sure you sound nice else it'll backfire and he'll think you're just saying this because you hate his girlfriend.

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The job market is really tough at the moment, especially if you lack experience, unemployed people aren't all losers! I am unfortunately unemployed and my boyfriend pays for me because I have no money (which I hate!) and while I really want a job I can't force someone to employ me any quicker, all I can do is keep trying, people making horrible judgements just make things worse.

 

As for the roommate thing I can understand how it'd be annoying to have their partner around all the time. a couple of nights a week is ok but when it goes too far it's crowding and overwhelming. I think there isn't much you can do other than talk to him about it, and make sure you sound nice else it'll backfire and he'll think you're just saying this because you hate his girlfriend.

 

That's what I'm worried about, while I don't hate his girlfriend, I don't like her, either lol...

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I think the soap/shampoo idea is a way to send a message or introduce the topic. You really can't go for he big issue off the bat unless you are the lease holder and his name isn't on it. If he doesn't get the hint after awhile, tell him that the landlord/lease stipulates two adults, not three. It is fine if she visits, but she cannot live here, meaning there must be nights when they just go out on a date or go to her house.

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btw, some roommates with gf/bf make a deal where some nights are nights were roommate #1 can have the place to themselves or nights when its there turn to be able to have a guest, and vice versa. It is harder to suggest if you don't have a steady girlfriend, but maybe you can ask for a couple of nights without anyone

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Well I haven't mentioned yet that because he hasn't had a job in 6 months, he's been late on his part of the rent since then. He would lie to me about being on time with his half, yet every couple months we get a notice saying we owe $1000 (all his). so it's not like he can say "I pay to be here too" because since December his parents have been paying his rent for him. The worse part of that is that he keeps lying to me about paying it on time when he knows he can't pay it at all. He said back in december that his parents would help him with the payments until he gets a job and yet all the months since then nobody (him or his parents) had paid his half. I'm at my wit's end, he can't even afford to stay here and yet he does, plus his girlfriend basically lives here as well.

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I would just put my foot down about this. Sit down and have a serious discussion with him about 1) His GF staying over so much 2) He failure to pay rent on time.

 

Be calm but firm that things cannot continue like they are. Personally, if I were you I would say something along the lines of, "If things don't change I am going to have to have my name taken off the lease and find my own place." Or something like that to let him know that you are serious about this.

 

He is not going to change on his own so you can either put up with this behavior for the rest of the time you live there or you can confront him (in a calm and respectful manner).

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