the alcoholic's side of the break up

So, this is my first thread. I came here because I have no idea what to do. I drank WAY too much to begin with. I can see now that it started 10 years ago, but really kicked in a little over 3 years ago. Going through a bruttal divorce, I started drinking to kill pain. I ended up dating a woman who has been there for me time and time again, but exactly like shestosmart's ex alchoholic, i was never there for her. Now I don't drink. It is a day to day battle, but I find myself a better father, and just better off all around. But i miss my ex girlfriend. I have hurt her so many times. I must have broken up w/her atleast 3 times, breaking her heart over things that I should have worked on with her. She has no trust in me, and honestly, after all i have done, I can see why. Im not trying to say she's perfect and im to blame for absolutly everything, just saying that I really messed up w/ a woman that I'm compleatly inlove with. I am trying to work it out w/her, she has let me back into her life. I keep a journal to try and brain strom on consepts like respect, active listening, anything else that I can think of to figgure all this out and understand her better. I know she loves me, but I may have done too much dammage. I may have lost some one i love dearly because of my actions, and I may never get her back.

oh yeah, one more thing, i don't drink anymore. it's not worth hurting the ones i love, the dammage it causes. there is no bottle in the world that is more important to me than the ones i love. i know i can never drink again.

"Drinking isn't worth hurting the ones I love or the damage it causes. There is no bottle in the world that is more important to me than the ones I love."

Write this down and stick it somewhere where you can read it everyday, to keep yourself on track. May you have the strength to battle this, good luck.

All you can do at this point is back up your words with actions and hope that she loves you enough and notices and believes in the change. For awhile, your words will be viewed as just that...words. You are really doing it for yourself though, no matter what the eventual outcome of the relationship becomes.

thanks, trust me, i have written it. i live it day by day. I'm breaking the cycle, and even if lose her, i have to learn from it and keep this lesson. all i can do is correct myself. but i don't know if she will ever accept it or see it because she doesn't trust me. because I'm trying so hard, it keeps my sadness going. i guess the bright side is, just as much as her distrust is en-grained in her from our experience, these lessons will be engraved in me from the pain i have caused and have to face. i would rather lose her than to cause her pain. i feel selfish trying to get her back.

All you can do at this point is back up your words with actions and hope that she loves you enough and notices and believes in the change. For awhile, your words will be viewed as just that...words. You are really doing it for yourself though, no matter what the eventual outcome of the relationship becomes.

i agree. im in collage now and doing really good. im a WAY better father to my 7 year old. i feel better in general. and the journal i keep is really helping me listen and have better conversations with her. but, unfortunately, i keep going to an insecure place. i REALLY don't want to lose her. some one told me that i can at least be a better boyfriend to someone else in the future, but i want it to be for her.

Don't approach her with the idea of getting back what you had with her. Approach her with the idea of starting a whole new relationship.

When you first got to know one another you were patient about that. So be patient about getting to know one another all over again. This is to your advantage because you're not the same guy, right? So don't rush it.

Am I right in thinking that there's a saying in AA circles: 'If you ain't done it sober, you ain't done it'?

In this case I'd take it to mean that you are starting over again in this relationship, starting again from scratch from your end because she doesn't know who you ARE, sober. As catfeeder says, don't rush it.

The other thing is, you can't let another person be the main reason for you stopping drinking - though it may have been the relationship which provided the initial spur. This is because if it's another person who 'stopped' you drinking, it's fairly likely that they'll be the 'cause' of you starting again, especially if the relationship doesn't work out as you hoped.

I put those words in inverted commas because, of course, all the responsibility and all the power in your life belongs quite squarely with you. If you can really utilise your Higher Power - whatever that means to you - it should help enormously with the 'insecure place' you describe. At the moment it looks as though that's a role you're assigning to her - and it's one which another person can never fulfill.

The problem with the partner of the alcoholic is that they are always bracing themselves for the next blow up or backslide. Yes, you are not drinking NOW, but folks don't know if they can trust that or not and want to avoid the pain of when the backslide happens. Also, folks who are attracted to alcoholics are sometimes codependent. If they are not, they usually leave but if they stay for a length of time, they may naturally be or developed the mechanisms of excusing the alcoholic's behavior or cleaning up after the fallout that happens. They could even be addicted to "taking care of someone."

They may never come back if the dynamic of the relationship changes and the alcoholic doesn't need them to fill that role. Or if they are a more emotiionally healthy woman, they just can't take being hurt again

I know being dumped three times - after that you can't just pick up and do it again. it hurts to bad to know that it could happen a 4th time.

My ex is an alcoholic and I wasn't aware he had relapsed until it blew up in our faces and he messed up really badly. I love him so much but know I can't be with him. Sure he's getting help now, but he's gotten help in the past too. How do I know that this won't happen again? I can't go through that again, it was so painful.

You need to work on yourself before you can think about a relationship with anyone right now. If you focus on getting her back, you aren't focusing on dealing with your drinking.

Today I talked to her. As so many have said, yeah, she cant risk getting hurt again. She was the reason I decided to do this. But im afraid getting back with her wont happen. I know it wont. Today, she really let it out to me. All the times she needed me and had her friends come because I wasn't there. The times I broke up. I wish I could take it back, but the truth is, I ruined a beautiful relationship to a woman that I love. I can never make up for it. I turned to this drinking because I didn't know how to cope with my daughter getting taken to Japan w/my ex and held against my will. But, in the end, it was me who made that decision to turn to destroying myself, and those around me. Trust me, I want to drink so badly rite now, but I wont. All its done is bring ireversable damage. I am a carding person. But I messed up. I need to face it and deal with it. There's no easy way out. 3 years of putting her through this. And now, she loves me, but she's gone. It's the price I have to pay. I don't have the rite to ask her back. Not after the hurt I put her through. It's my last apology. I will never give up and go back to the horrible person I was. I will change, regardless of heart ache, sadness, lonlyness, hating what I did. If I don't change, my loss was for nothing. Its just so hard to keep moving.

I do want to thank you all though for taking the time to read my thread. I guess it helps me to at least voice this to you and have someone listen and even reply. I feel like I woke up from a bad dream since I came to my own realization. I wish it was as easy as catching my breath. I have others to be here for, and as silly as that sounds, I want to be there for my ex, as long as she doesn't decide to push me out completely. So, as much as I want to crawl under a rock and cry my eyes out, I know I have to learn and keep on moving. I've been through tough things in my life, but this by far is the worst. Im just happy she isn't getting hurt by me anymore.

Stay strong. It's pretty common for family and lovers of an alcoholic to be resentful. Not sure how long you've been sober, but it can take a long time for the people around you to start trusting that you're going to stay that way. Make yourself proud, do right by them, and over time things will start to fall into a better place.

Head high.

Yeah, I guess I am atleast proud that I'm not going back into the destructive cycle of things. Taking a break from my thesis that's due tomorrow, my daughter is patiently waiting for my homework to be done. Ultametly though, I'm never going to be ok with this.

i didnt really think about it until now, the second time i broke up with her, was because when we were both drunk, we got into an argument and she punched me in the face... twice... then kicked me when i turned. she was very appologetic the next day. i told her i needed @ least 2 weeks to figgure it out. i still wasnt ready to fully be with her because i still needed some time. she told me i had to make a decision, i told her i wanted to work it out, but REALLY needed a little time. she said either we are back, or we break up. so i said then that she was making the decision because there was no way i could just be back that fast. months later, we got back. i was with someone else for a little bit while we were broken up. i can fully understand she is upset by that. i would be hurt by it too. the last fight, she tells people that i was so angry that she thought i would become physical. now lots of them believe im like that. i havent hit a female since kindegarden. honestly, the thought never crossed my mind...we still talk, its up and down, im actually checking myself and waiting, chainging, what the hell do i do?

Concentrate on your own recovery. Leave her out of your decision making process for now. This sounds a very unhealthy relationship which risks putting your recovery in jeopardy if you continue to focus on it. Don't start any other relationships, either.

You need at least a year of sobriety before starting any significant relationships - you really, really do!

i need to tell her this, unless it really is over, but i dont want her to think that i am pointing the finger making an excuse for my behaviore...

ill deffinatly consider this.

Just explain that you are serious about your recovery, and that the advice is not to have any significant relationships within the first year. That's not pointing the finger at anyone; it's just letting her know you're in earnest.

Yeah nutbrown, I think you're write.

BTW

BTW

Thanks for the advise, and please don't think im acting like a know it all w/this reply... im a med school student because im absolutely inlove w/physiology and pathology. Lucky, I know about the human body's reaction to alcoholism. The cells in my body think they need it, and it will never change. I can never drink again because my body will recognize and utilize the alcohol more if I do. Its like if you breath air just before you drown, your body utilizes more O2 then breathing at rest. This is where alcoholics relapse, a year or two after they drink, they think they can have just one. AA helps people w/info like this as well as they are a christian based organization. There is nothing wrong w/religion, it teaches good moral values that can help you become a better person along the way. My cravings are gone, and, even if it doesn't work out between us, I have my kid and education to consider. Ill just wait until seniality kicks in to act like a crazy person. For now, id rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy!

I am just now reading this , years later, and am thankful for the insight from an alcohlic's perspective.

I am just now reading this , years later, and am thankful for the insight from an alcohlic's perspective.

Hi Grace... do you know this website? It's incredibly helpful, and some of the most humble, inspirational posts are from the recovering alcoholics: [url="