"3 times a week, that's a lot!"

During a casual phone chat with the girlfriend about one of us possibly moving to a different rental, I jokingly mentioned one advantage of me moving would be not hearing the couple upstairs have sex (it's not loud or even clearly sex, just for the sake of humour).

It's not the first I've mentioned hearing sex so she says "wow that's pretty often then". I say every couple of days seems pretty normal to me, a healthy couple relationship. Then she says,

"Every couple of days, so that's 3 times a week. That's a lot!"

I always expected these sorts of thoughts from her but deep down I still sank nonetheless. It might be a lot for as time ages on but to think this when you haven't even left the blocks is not a good sign.

I kept the convo going by saying I thought it was normal for a young couple, so she then jokingly says, "ok ok let me re-answer; only 2-3 times a week, we can beat that!". but yeah it's clearly a joke, certainly her first reaction spoken normally is the believable one.

So what are you looking for here? Confirmation that its alot? If either of you are normal in your ways?

You'll really never know until you get your hands dirty, so to speak.

My last gf told me that she was a sexual person, but in the past she had been rather conservative and only had sex rarely. She also warned me that she had a problem staying wet. I was truly worried.

But everything depends on your partner and your attraction to him/her. When we finally got together, all worries about that vanished. We had sex something like a dozen times over the course of 2.5 days, and she stays extremely wet for as long as it takes to finish.

Have you slept with your gf yet? If not, then neither of you will really know how much sex you'll want nor actually be capable of having.

And to also point out, sex can be cyclical. There are periods where we have sex daily, almost twice for weeks at a time, and then all of a sudden we have it twice a month. But we don't stress because we know it comes back, and we're back to being horny teenagers ripping our clothes off every chance we get for another length of time, and then settle back to maybe once a week. There has never been any sort of 'constant' when its come to the 7 years of sex we've been having.

We have had sex yet (or anything involving genitals) because she's waiting for marriage. I'm ok with waiting ... as long as I'm not waiting for nothing.

A verbally sexual person could turn out to be rather not as well, but I know which one I would find more assuring to hear.

I know people have their beliefs, but I cannot possibly advise more adamantly against waiting until marriage to have sex. It is an EXTREMELY foolish gamble.

What if she's horrible in bed and has no will to improve? What if you don't even fit? There are so many possible negative outcomes, but once you make that legal commitment, you're stuck.

What if marriage is about more than just sex? Nuts.

I think it's noble. Good job, OP!

We have had sex yet (or anything involving genitals) because she's waiting for marriage. I'm ok with waiting ... as long as I'm not waiting for nothing.

If she's telling you that three times a week is a lot now, you can guess that once a week will be a lot after you say the magic words. Danger, Will Robinson!

What if marriage is about more than just sex? Nuts.

 

I think it's noble. Good job, OP!

Let's follow your logic to its conclusion...

What if marriage is about more than just emotional connection?

You would stay married to someone based solely upon great sex, even if he revealed himself to be a horrible person after the wedding?

Sex is a necessary and equally important part of this type of relationship. If there are sexual incompatibilities between them that cannot be overcome, then no level of emotional connection will make it work, just as no level of sexual compatibility will solve psychological incompatibilities.

Just realised I forgot the magic "not" in my post though luckily seems to have still been clear.

I'm all for pre-marital sex btw, for those exact reasons of making sure before those marital words. I've chosen to wait, but as a consequence I am going to be damn sure of everything before getting married which is why I'm after some feedback on her quote.

We have had sex yet (or anything involving genitals) because she's waiting for marriage. I'm ok with waiting ... as long as I'm not waiting for nothing.

A verbally sexual person could turn out to be rather not as well, but I know which one I would find more assuring to hear.

Thus far you know that she thinks 3x a week is often, and she is perfectly content waiting to have sex until marriage. It's a pretty safe bet that on the range of female libido, she's at the lower end. (Not proof positive, of course, but a reasonable prediction). If I were you I'd think long and hard about marrying someone who won't have sex until they're married. There are so many nightmare scenarios: it hurts, she doesn't like it, she's not willing to have oral sex, her libido is nonexistent, etc. I'm a woman and I'm all for waiting a reasonable amount of time, but waiting until marriage?? Heck no. Sexual compatibility is too important to leave to chance. A marriage is about a lot more than sex of course, but sexual incompatibility can cause a LOT of stress in even the best marriage. To each their own, of course, but I urge you to think through the possible scenarios before you get married.

Let's follow your logic to its conclusion...

What if marriage is about more than just emotional connection?

You would stay married to someone based solely upon great sex, even if he revealed himself to be a horrible person after the wedding?

 

Sex is a necessary and equally important part of this type of relationship. If there are sexual incompatibilities between them that cannot be overcome, then no level of emotional connection will make it work, just as no level of sexual compatibility will solve psychological incompatibilities.

Um, what? No, I would not marry someone based soley upon great sex. Are you confused?

Marriage is absolutely about emotional connection and part of that emotional connection is intimacy, physically included. I think that if you were to marry someone, you would have achieved a high level of intimacy already. But I was assuming that one would marry someone they truly, intimately knew.

Do you have to have sex in order to know if you're compatible? While sex is no doubt an important aspect of relationship, it is not necessary to have sex in order to know if you're sexually compatible. You could always talk about it, openly, none of this "I think that is the true answer" business. If you can't have an open, honest conversation about sex and you think that substituting it with actually having sex would help you figure it out, you are dead wrong and there are more problems with your relationship than sexual compatibility.

Plus, people speak of sexual compatibility as if it's a fixed thing. It is not. I have "trained" both of my boyfriends on how I want things done. I've also compromised on the frequency of sex based on how often my boyfriend wants it. I'm sure that the same can be said for other people in relationships. There's always compromise. There's no such thing as true compatibility.

Now if your concern is the "3x a week" comment, I really really wouldn't worry about it. I think most virgins have NO idea what real sex is like and have a hard time imagining the frequency. As someone else has posted, in a relationship, sex is more of a cycle; sometimes you will have a lot of sex, sometimes you will have no sex. It's quite normal. When I was a virgin, I thought when I had a long term boyfriend, I would have sex everyday, twice a day. But the truth is somewhere closer to "3x a week". You really really can't draw any conclusion from a comment made by someone who has NO idea what sex is like!

If you are about to marry someone, I would hope to god you know your partner well enough to know how they would act in a situation. I would also hope that you guys have open, honest conversations about everything that you think is important to a marriage. Even at 8 months, I know how my boyfriend would act in a given situation and trust that whatever it is, he would compromise and work on any problem with me and I with him.

Let's follow your logic to its conclusion...

What if marriage is about more than just emotional connection?

You would stay married to someone based solely upon great sex, even if he revealed himself to be a horrible person after the wedding?

 

Sex is a necessary and equally important part of this type of relationship. If there are sexual incompatibilities between them that cannot be overcome, then no level of emotional connection will make it work, just as no level of sexual compatibility will solve psychological incompatibilities.

Um, what? No, I would not marry someone based soley upon great sex. Are you confused?

 

Marriage is absolutely about emotional connection and part of that emotional connection is intimacy, physically included. I think that if you were to marry someone, you would have achieved a high level of intimacy already. But I was assuming that one would marry someone they truly, intimately knew.

 

Do you have to have sex in order to know if you're compatible? While sex is no doubt an important aspect of relationship, it is not necessary to have sex in order to know if you're sexually compatible. You could always talk about it, openly, none of this "I think that is the true answer" business. If you can't have an open, honest conversation about sex and you think that substituting it with actually having sex would help you figure it out, you are dead wrong and there are more problems with your relationship than sexual compatibility.

 

Plus, people speak of sexual compatibility as if it's a fixed thing. It is not. I have "trained" both of my boyfriends on how I want things done. I've also compromised on the frequency of sex based on how often my boyfriend wants it. I'm sure that the same can be said for other people in relationships. There's always compromise. There's no such thing as true compatibility.

 

Now if your concern is the "3x a week" comment, I really really wouldn't worry about it. I think most virgins have NO idea what real sex is like and have a hard time imagining the frequency. As someone else has posted, in a relationship, sex is more of a cycle; sometimes you will have a lot of sex, sometimes you will have no sex. It's quite normal. When I was a virgin, I thought when I had a long term boyfriend, I would have sex everyday, twice a day. But the truth is somewhere closer to "3x a week". You really really can't draw any conclusion from a comment made by someone who has NO idea what sex is like!

 

If you are about to marry someone, I would hope to god you know your partner well enough to know how they would act in a situation. I would also hope that you guys have open, honest conversations about everything that you think is important to a marriage. Even at 8 months, I know how my boyfriend would act in a given situation and trust that whatever it is, he would compromise and work on any problem with me and I with him.

Have you never heard of someone hooking a person into marriage with the false hope that, along with their great emotional connection, there will be great sex involved?

Secondly, there is not always compromise. Sometimes a couple could be so completely incompatible that compromise would border rape. Take, for example, a relationship where one person has even a normal sex drive, and, after the "honeymoon" period, the other reveals themselves to be asexual.

Lastly, not even you can know what you will do in every situation.

P.S. vilos asked if you would stay married to someone based solely on sex, even if the turned out to have a horrible personality after getting married.

Lol, if we're talking about liars, there are many liars who lies to get married, including those who just want a green card. Let's not get paranoid.

Lol, if we're talking about liars, there are many liars who lies to get married, including those who just want a green card. Let's not get paranoid.

I'm not saying be paranoid, I'm merely suggesting that it is "better safe than sorry". We're not a puritan society anymore, and there are really no reasons (other than religious) to avoid physical intimacy before marriage.

"Daddy, how long do you work every day?"

"Well, I work from 9 to 5."

"That's alot!"

"What do you mean?"

"That's 8 hours every DAY! That's alot!"

------------

"Garry, how much oil do you put into the pasta sauce?"

"Three tablespoons."

"Geez, that's alot!"

"What do you mean?"

"Three tablespoons a day! That's like a liter every month!"

--------------

"Bonnie-Jean, you look so cute.. how long does it take you to do your hair like that?"

"only half an hour."

"Half an hour! That's alot!"

"What?"

"Half an hour a day is three and a half hours a week... that's alot!"

------

My point is, if you aren't experienced at something, it might seem like a lot, and that might end up not being a big deal.

I'm on a mobile device here so I can't (easily) quote so I hope this makes sense:

pinkelephant I definitely agree conversation is what should be done instead of guesswork but the times it has been done have not proven fruitful. A lot of answers I either fall into the category of "I don't know myself, never done it" or the contradictory ones. As an example of the latter, we've had serious talks where I have confronted her about her seemingly lack of sex drive (in ways like flirting or making out), and her answer was I "shouldn't assume, maybe I do". but that directly contradicts with someone who didn't know what 69 or oral sex was (I'm serious). When continuing on and asked about oral sex, that just ends back in category 1, don't know.

And ultimately even if you say "ok, you can't put any weight into the words because they don't know", shortjnr has it right: better safe than sorry.

So, I am happy to ask her again in a serious manner this issue/quote, but seeing if there's any input to doing things differently this time otherwise it'll end up like my long 1st paragraph and not learning anything.

Meh, with regards to the premarital sex I'd like to say one thing... Different people, different opinions.

Some people cannot conceive waiting that long. They are in the majority. A subset of that group is very militant about pre-marital sex, and a subset of them is religiously anti-religious.

In my opinion, sex is really not that complicated. Any two people who are spiritually and emotionally connected will end up being sexually compatible one way or another. Sexual awakening is surely a very powerful drug, just look at all the heart broken ex lovers in the next forum over. So if you find yourself a nice girl who is great and good looking and smart and kind and who is attracted to you, that's all that you really need. I say that as a person who totally has nothing against sex before marriage.

Have you never heard of someone hooking a person into marriage with the false hope that, along with their great emotional connection, there will be great sex involved?

 

Secondly, there is not always compromise. Sometimes a couple could be so completely incompatible that compromise would border rape. Take, for example, a relationship where one person has even a normal sex drive, and, after the "honeymoon" period, the other reveals themselves to be asexual.

 

Lastly, not even you can know what you will do in every situation.

 

P.S. vilos asked if you would stay married to someone based solely on sex, even if the turned out to have a horrible personality after getting married.

Like I said, great sex is not fixed. It's not some magical thing that just happens, although it does, it takes practice and communications.

As for the asexual comment, like I said, I would hope that you got to know your partner well enough before proposing marriage including if they were asexual, which is an extreme.

And no, I don't, but what I do know is that I would try and compromise and do everything in my power to work out a compromise that is fair and good for my relationship. That is my commitment to my boyfriend and his to me. That's it. In my opinion, that's all you need.

PS. The answer is obviously no.

I personally think that if people cannot openly communicate to each other about sex, they should not be having sex in the first place. I highly doubt that pre-marital sex at this point would help increase intimacy, if anything, it would cause confusion.

I have a strong feeling that she was shy and perhaps lying about the whole oral sex/69 thing. Is everything sexual off the table? How long have you been together? Will there be any progress before marriage to something more sexual than just kissing? I think waiting til marriage is noble, but if *everything* is off the table, then there perhaps is a problem...

Pinky, what I presented was a counter to your argument. If you say that emotional connection alone is enough to marry, without firsthand knowledge of sexual compatibility (and no, that cannot be accurately estimated without actually having sex with the person), then I make the counterpoint that it follows from your contention that sexual compatibility alone is also enough to marry, without firsthand knowledge of emotional connection.

Which of course is absolutely not the case.

True, couples must work toward total sexual satisfaction with each other, but there are many couples that will NEVER attain sexual satisfaction, no matter how hard they work toward it. Many people are not sexually compatible with each other, and in many cases there is no way to know this without actually having sex.

I have a strong feeling that she was shy and perhaps lying about the whole oral sex/69 thing.

You'd be surprised... I was raised in a VERY religious and conservative home. While I picked up on most sex terms just by paying attention putting two and two together, my sister (while engaged, no less) still didn't even quite understand how it all "worked."

Anyway, liars aside (people who are trying to trap you into marriage or do not reveal that they have no sexual feelings whatsoever), I believe that it is totally possible to discover if you are sexually compatible before having sex. Before getting married (we waited to have sex), my husband and I had already discussed every aspect of sex. Of course it's not the same as actually doing it, but we talked openly and freely about our expectations. We both knew he'd have the higher sex drive, but that it wasn't a big enough difference to really mess things us. Even though I probably had a worse experience than 95% of girls during my "first time," we are doing just fine now. We were both really committed to making it work, and we knew we would be because of our previous conversations. And trust me, it'll fit. Eventually.

OP, I think the bigger problem is that she shies away from talking about sex in a serious way. My parents pretty much never had sex when I was growing up, so I would have been surprised by the idea of three times a week at some point as well. Are you guys quite serious? If you are starting to think about getting engaged, you really do need to discuss this kind of thing. Maybe her lack of willingness to discuss it is a sign of incompatibility in and of itself.

I believe that it is totally possible to discover if you are sexually compatible before having sex. Before getting married (we waited to have sex), my husband and I had already discussed every aspect of sex. Of course it's not the same as actually doing it, but we talked openly and freely about our expectations. We both knew he'd have the higher sex drive, but that it wasn't a big enough difference to really mess things us. Even though I probably had a worse experience than 95% of girls during my "first time," we are doing just fine now. We were both really committed to making it work, and we knew we would be because of our previous conversations. And trust me, it'll fit. Eventually.

I don't know... Too much of a gamble for me. I don't take such risks.

There is no 100% guarantee that it will "fit" eventually, for example. Some girls are incredibly tight, no matter how wet and and turned on.

Also, many people "know" that they will love sex and be so sexual because they are such horny virgins who think about it non-stop. Because they believe it so strongly themselves, they're just as shocked as you are when they start having sex and realize they can't handle it. Many girls suddenly have horrific emotional responses to the loss of virginity that they never overcome, even with counseling, and many of these girls honestly thought beforehand that they were ready for sex.

I don't know... Too much of a gamble for me. I don't take such risks.

There is no 100% guarantee that it will "fit" eventually, for example. Some girls are incredibly tight, no matter how wet and and turned on.

Also, many people "know" that they will love sex and be so sexual because they are such horny virgins who think about it non-stop. Because they believe it so strongly themselves, they're just as shocked as you are when they start having sex and realize they can't handle it. Many girls suddenly have horrific emotional responses to the loss of virginity that they never overcome, even with counseling, and many of these girls honestly thought beforehand that they were ready for sex.

It's fine if it's too much of a gamble for you.

I don't want to go into the gory details because... well, ewww... but I think my experience is enough to guarantee that 99.9999999% of the time, it'll fit. And you know what? My bad first experience(s) was (were) tough to overcome. But we made it there. Even things like... ah, I can't remember what it's called, but where female muscles contract and cause pain upon intercourse, can be dealt with through physical therapy. And when it comes to not understanding your own sexual drive, a lot of it depends on really knowing yourself. I have always been very self-aware, so I knew I was not fooling myself. Two mature people who are prepared for compromise and difficulty and who are self-aware should not have an insurmountable problem should they choose to wait for sex till marriage.

But... I understand people not wanting to wait for marriage, especially when religion is not a factor. I don't blame you in the slightest for not waiting. It is, however, a viable alternative if both people are okay with it.

No argument that physically it always SHOULD be able to fit, but some girls, no matter how much they want it and how turned on they are, will never be able to loosen those muscles enough.

Therapy does not solve all problems.

Agree that everything depends on the people involved and what they want.