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Bad father/daughter relationships?


yelsel

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This is kinda all over the place, sorry. And thank you so much if you actually read all of this.

 

I have a terrible relationship with my father, he wasn't physically abusive (though he threatened it) but he was verbaly. Nothing is ever good enough for him, and I can never do anything right. He would always be yelling about something. He is a controller and a manipulator. I was bullied by most of the friends I've had and when it comes to them I was a push over but with my dad I always yell back. I don't remember my childhood relationship with him much. But I'm told we never got along. He always needed things his way and I always need thing my way.

 

When I was little he was always doing his own thing. We moved out of state when I was a child. Hes an older father hes now in his 70s, and I'm close to being 20. I'm the only child they had together, but he did have another child before him and my mother got married. Shes a lot years older then me. I have a good relationship with her but I can never talk to her about it because she adores him, and he adores her-and his grand kids.

 

I don't know why, what went wrong, or when it did but now I can't stand him. It started when I was about 14 (which is ironically the age I lost my virginity). I feel very uncomfortable near him. Every noise he makes(such as grunts, moans, and groans when he moves) makes me physically sick to my stomach, and I get the feeling that children get when they hear their parents talking about sex or having sex only much more multiplied.. Every time he touches me (which is usually my shoulder or my head) I get the uncomfortable invasive feeling as well. His voice is like nails on a chalk board to me. Hes trying to be nice to me (even though he still mostly complains about me) and I know he does love me, he does little things for me but I can't help but hate him.

 

The weird thing is, when ever I see things that have to do with father and daughters I get really emotional and start to cry. When I see a good father daughter relationship I cry. Such as the link removed everlasting love commercial. Also, I don't know if this matters but when I see an elderly man in emotional pain i get really emotional.

 

My mother thinks I was sexually abused when I was little (someone not my father, I don't believe he did anything)

 

When it comes to guys I've always needed guys approval. I became very sexual up into lately. When I date a guy long term, I become sexually bored with him. And eventually he will start to really get on my nerves and all romance goes away in my head and heart. I can't have sex with love involved.

 

I just want to know why all of this is- why i hate him so much. Why I can't have a good sexual relationship with guys.

I've always thought most young adult women who have terrible relationships with their fathers always wanted to fix it. But I just want him to disappear.

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I don't know why, what went wrong, or when it did but now I can't stand him. It started when I was about 14 (which is ironically the age I lost my virginity). I feel very uncomfortable near him. Every noise he makes(such as grunts, moans, and groans when he moves) makes me physically sick to my stomach, and I get the feeling that children get when they hear their parents talking about sex or having sex only much more multiplied.. Every time he touches me (which is usually my shoulder or my head) I get the uncomfortable invasive feeling as well. His voice is like nails on a chalk board to me. Hes trying to be nice to me (even though he still mostly complains about me) and I know he does love me, he does little things for me but I can't help but hate him..

When I was reading this part I was thinking "wonder if there was ever any sexual abuse in any way during early childhood". I don't have much experience in this kind of thing, so I could be way off base here. I can't help feeling that something bad happened during childhood, not necessarily by your father's hands. Do you remember anything abusive during your childhood?

 

Sorry I'm not much help. Hopefully other members will have more input.

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A lot could have changed between the time your sister had been raised and when you were born. Your father was much younger then and maybe had a different outlook, and your mothers were different as well. Also, your father moved out of state when you were 9. Was your father there for her during her childhood and then her mom died and he married your mom? Or was she left, too? If your dad was "around" unlike moving away from your mother and you, that could play a big difference. I think fathers and daughters sometimes don't get along at 14. I think girls start gravitating towards their mothers certain phases of their growing up, and their fathers at different times. I remember my dad and I did NOT get along at all maybe when I was 12-15. Then it got better, and when I was 16-17, I was more up in arms with my mom, at least from what I can remember.

 

btw, I did know a gal who always cried about never getting affection from her dad. And her dad actually really loved her but he showed it in ways of providing for her, making sure she had healthy food, etc, and that was his way. He was not very physically or verbally affectionate and she couldn't see that.

 

Also, what are your parents attitude's about sex? Not that you need to know about their sex lives, but kids quickly pick up on whether seeing parents hug and kiss (nothing deep) is normal, that affection is normal and that their parents are attracted to eachother, rather than having two parents that they don't see as very warm towards eachother. Or that they are raised to think their bodies are yucky.

 

I do think that when people stumble accross porn at a very young age, it can be very disturbing. At least when we are 13ish, we know all about the parts we have and have been told about the birds and the bees. We might be more curious than bothered unless they are showing something really off the wall and frightening. If you were a lot younger - 3 to 6 - kids that age have no reference for any of that - maybe not even for what adult bodies look like, so to speak, and could be extremely confused, weirded out, and scared.

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I'm not sure. My mother thinks I might have been by someone. But I only remember bits a pieces of my child hood. I remember being very curious about sex very suddenly when i was about 7 or 8.

 

Well..neither do I. I have an extremely vivid memory of when I had to go get stitches when i was 4 (roughousing with neighbor kids who were too big for me to play with), then little bits and pieces of things through the age of 8, 9, etc. I don't think I was "abused" - it was just a lot of mundane, everyday stuff from long ago. I remember when my brother was brought home from the hospital and a toy I sort of liked but nothing really in great details.

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This was just a few quick things I threw together to get off my chest. I don't know what happened when I was younger for sure that's why I don't normally talk about it. I didn't even want to mention it on here. I was just hoping maybe someone could help me put some things together. There's a lot more to it that I didn't put in here, more then I can almost wrap my head around. I know my dad loves me, but we still fight almost every day and it does affect me in a bad way. The negative feelings I feel towards him are not normal. And yes my dad was around, but he was normally off doing something or working on a project.

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I can relate! I have a weird relationship with my dad too, and feel uncomfortable when/if he touches me (although there hasn't been hardly any of that). My dad is verbally abusive and controlling, too, like yours. We argue almost every time we talk. But I know he loves me cuz he's always trying to make sure I'm ok and he's always giving me food and trying to find out about my life. I feel smothered very easily though and don't like the attention. I dont remember a lot about my childhood but what I do remember is all awesome. I honestly don't believe I've ever been molested so that doesn't mean you were, just because you don't remember EVERYTHING and feel uncomfortable with him physically, I think that is just because you don't get along, plain and simple. I'm 38 and my dad is 67 but I dont think that matters, I just truly believe if you don't get along with someone, of course it's going to be uncomfortable if you had to hug them or something. I felt like I was forced to give my dad hugs at various times and it isnt cuz he molested me, it's cuz I usually wanna get as far away from him as possible and I hate hugging.

 

I also have problems with guys, I've only had one real relationship and the sex was horrible, I didn't enjoy it and I didnt even want it again after that. But I'm a very private shy person so I think that's part of my problem. But at the same time, I crave guys' approval. I think me and you crave that from guys because our dads never accepted us the way we were. It has nothing to do with sex, really. I have my own weird reasons for not liking sex, it has nothing to do with how my dad raised me, and I'm sure it's the same for you.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about repressed memories. And sorry I have no advice to give about how to deal with your dad because I have the same problem and still haven't solved it! I just wanted you to know I can relate to what you're going through!

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I think RocherChick has some important words. It doesn't mean that someone was sexually abused by dad if they have acceptance/sex issues. Sometimes not feeing the approval of a father is just as damaging to a girl as it is to a boy, though sometimes it differs how they perceive approval. In fact, a girl doesn't have to be verbally abused to not feel accepted. But its not "all about dad" if you are a gal who doesn't feel accepted in life.

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I was sexually abused when I was young and I feel the same way about when dad touches me. I don't even really like to hug him, but also an elderly man in pain makes me cry, seeing the positive father-daughter relationship things make me cry too. I strongly suggest some therapy to help you work through these emotions. The sexual stuff most definitely needs to be dealt with because it can (and apparently has) have serious side effects.

Good luck and feel free to contact me if you need to.

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I too have a very poor relationship with my father. Around 8 or 9 years of age I just stared disliking him. He was generally verbally abusive (called each of us "stupid kid", threatened us, etc.) and occasionally physically abusive. Now we are civil to each other, but have absolutely nothing to talk about. I also experience really tough feelings when I see him with my nieces, as he is much nicer to them and he's too old to get so angry with them.

 

My relationships with guys have suffered as a result. Luckily you are 19 and have lots of time to work through your feelings about it. Self-awareness is a great thing.

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  • 5 months later...
I have a terrible relationship with my father, he wasn't physically abusive (though he threatened it) but he was verbaly. Nothing is ever good enough for him, and I can never do anything right. He would always be yelling about something. He is a controller and a manipulator. I was bullied by most of the friends I've had and when it comes to them I was a push over but with my dad I always yell back. I don't remember my childhood relationship with him much. But I'm told we never got along. He always needed things his way and I always need thing my way.

 

This is the exact relationship I have with my dad ): Except when I was younger he wasn't abusive, but he did physically discipline. I used to get whipped by belts or rulers or whatever was nearby, and if I ran, he would chase me around the house. The only difference is I used to have a beautiful relationship with my father. It used to be beautiful, but also painful. Now our relationship is only painful.

 

I don't know why, what went wrong, or when it did but now I can't stand him. It started when I was about 14 (which is ironically the age I lost my virginity). I feel very uncomfortable near him. Every noise he makes(such as grunts, moans, and groans when he moves) makes me physically sick to my stomach, and I get the feeling that children get when they hear their parents talking about sex or having sex only much more multiplied...

 

The weird thing is, when ever I see things that have to do with father and daughters I get really emotional and start to cry. When I see a good father daughter relationship I cry. Such as the link removed everlasting love commercial.

 

When it comes to guys I've always needed guys approval. I became very sexual up into lately. When I date a guy long term, I become sexually bored with him. And eventually he will start to really get on my nerves and all romance goes away in my head and heart. I can't have sex with love involved.

 

Everything about this is true for me too, except at the age 12. It feels somewhat comforting to know someone else feels the same way as I do. But for some reason I want my relationship with my dad to be fixed. I don't know why but I love him so much no matter how much he makes me sad, or hurts me. I guess now he is just indifferent about my life and doesn't care at all. But this hurts the most? Like he doesn't want anything to do with me. He always told me he loved me because of obligation because he is a "Christian". But he always said that I had to earn his respect through obedience. But it always felt like I had to earn his love...

 

I'm seventeen now, and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with the complexities of our relationship ): I wonder if you have any advice or thoughts because our feelings seem similar.

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I'm still going through this crap with my dad, I just turned 39 last week and it doesn't get any easier, it gets worse somehow. For my birthday he gave me a card that said, "This card will not disapprove, judge, argue, or lecture..." but then he stood there for an hour and a half and did ALL those things! He even argued with my mom, who was trying to stick up for me, but then he would just say we were both crazy and wrong and get more upset. I think the only way to end it is to cut off all contact with him and move out of the city and not tell him where I'm going. But my mom or brother would tell him, they wouldn't be able to handle his constant bugging them about it. It sounds bad to say but after he's gone will be the only time I'll really be free.

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