unintentional threesome on GHB

I just found out that my GF had a threesome in the past when she wasn't with me.

She met this guy in a club that she had met once before in a social aspect. They were both on speed at the time due to the dance scene. She went home with him and had some GHB when she got home, supposedly this is quite normal for a lot of people in the club scene just to relax a little bit from the effects of speed (if you have a small amount). Only thing is, he gave her a larger than normal dose. Later in the evening, his girlfriend came back from the club and sneaked in while they were already having sex and got naked. My GF says she was so out of it that they all started having a threesome, she didn't even know that he had a GF when she originally went home with him. A bit later she passed out and the next morning got up and left basically feeling embarassed and a little bit stupid about going home with some guy that was obviously a swinger with a deceiptful attitude.

I don't really know where to begin about how angry this makes me. I can't deal with the horny aspect of the sex. GHB is supposed to turn your libido on and apart from having sex with the guy, to be so turned on that when his GF returns, to just start having sex with her, I find very difficult to deal with. She says she remembers some of it but not everything especially after she just went to sleep and that it wasn't really her. So, I'm just supposed to deal with the fact that it was animal sex?

I never heard anything like this before in my life, let alone why people would do that. I know the usual responses...it's in her past and she obviousl;y doesn't want to repeat the situation so it can't have been that good but I'm afraid that that doesn't really help me. The whole night seems like a story of deceit, increased libido/lust, drugs, etc.

How long ago in the past was it? Is she still a party girl who does drugs? She wasn't on speed because of the dance scene...the dance scene didn't make her take drugs...she took drugs on her own free will. She also went home with him with the intention of having sex with a stranger...GHB or no GHB. So she had a threesome..that threesome was with the guy's gf, not with another guy. It sounds to me like you are having trouble with the fact that this woman was a wild party girl. The important thing is how long ago was it in the past. If she is 33 and this happened when she was in her early twenties then it is so far in the past that it is rather irrelevant at this point in time. However, if she is 33 and this happened two years ago then I would say it has more relevance to who she is as a person now and there would be more cause for discomfort.

this is the problem with telling your partner your past - they keep replaying it in their heads and they can't get over it. like CAD said - i would be more concerned if she is still in the dance/drug scene. if this is something that was in her past, just let it go. most people have a crazy story or two.

The whole night seems like a story of deceit, increased libido/lust, drugs, etc.

It does sound like quite the night.

How did you find out about this?

I'm not sure why you're focusing on the sexual part of the story? Threesomes and whatnot are not uncommon. People explore sexually all the time. IMO, that's nothing compared to the drug usage. If anything is going to cause problems in your relationship, it's that. How long ago did this happen?

She chose to take multiple drugs - I agree with COD -has nothing to do with the dance scene or what is typical or not (and I know this from direct experience). My concern would be how she feels about her choices concerning drug usage and whether she ever plans to use drugs again. As far as the sex- yes once she chose to use drugs she chose the consequences. It has nothing to do with her loyalty to you unless she thinks that if you choose to get high/drunk and have sex outside of your relationship you can blame the alcohol/drugs. That could be a major problem if she feels that way. Also why did she tell you all these details?

I'm not sure why some are concentrating more on the drugs than on the sex part. Maybe it's how I explained but recretaional drug use isn't much of an issue. She only used to take speed when dancing and that might have been maybe once or twice a year. I've done that myself.

Did you read the part about where the man put an extra dose into her drink (not wipeout dosages but more than just merry, didn;'t tell her about his GF, and then his GF returned later and just got into bed)?

She told me these details as I asked about threesomes, maybe I shouldn't have but I want to know the person I'm with.

The drugs are not a problem for me like it seems for the responses so far. The problem for me is the deceit part of the night and then also the threesome. I guess when you are on drugs, your mind is not all there but this sounds a little OTT.

I guess I'm not like normal guys either, I don;t like the female female part of the action either.

No, she wouldn't be unfaithful to me and is not still a party girl. She never was a massive party girl. But I can't stop replying this in my head.

I don't know the sexual details of my husband's previous relationships, he doesn't know mine and neither of us needs to know those sorts of details to "know" who we are "with" -try to find a way to listen to CArly Simon's song "we have no secrets" - that is the approximate title -that's I think a good way to be in a relationship.

If she was raped via a date rape drug that's a different issue.

If you're ok with her values about illegal drug use (not sure the euphemism "recreational" applies since you're so focused on knowing the nitty gritty details about what she did in bed and with whom) then you have to accept that people who are ok with getting high -especially in a club like environment - also accept the consequences of that choice - and whether that means sex with multiple people then so be it. You have to live with the consequences of your choice to pry into the sexual details of her past.

So, I'm just supposed to deal with the fact that it was animal sex?

Well, what other choice do you have than dealing with it? You can accept it and move on, or you can break up. Personally, I don't think a threesome is that big a deal, and I agree with those saying drugs are the bigger issue. Blaming drugs or alcohol for behavior is not a sign of great character, but everyone makes mistakes in life. If her drug use is recent or still current, you might want to rethink the relationship.

So she was stupid and acted in a retarded way. If she, after the years, still blames it on alcohol, she's not learned a bit. It was definitely her choice. No pointing fingers, no shifting the responsibility. Alcohol and drugs has nothing to do with it. One has always the choice to say ENOUGH.

I would be concerned whether she learned anything at all.

Well, she agrees it was a stupid choice.

I don't agree with the drug use issues that people are presenting on here - I guess that's the difference between recreational and hard permament drug use. I have used them recreationally like many people. Maybe it's a European vs American approach as well I don't know. The same way that the people on here view drugs could be said of the same way that people view threesomes or anal sex. Anal sex is illegal in some places but that doesn't stop people from doing it. So, should that be looked down upon because it's illegal? I don't think the legal vs illegal debate has much importance here.

The issue I have is really with the way the man went about it and his bisexual GF just appeared like it had not been mentioned on the night - that is very weird behaviour but I guess that's what some swingers do when they are out clubbing. ie it wasn not a threesome agree din advance, it was 2 people and then a third appeared later in the night when they were already having sex, which presumably she thought would just be with the guy at the beginning.

I have difficulty dealing with the high libido aspect of GHB even though she probably had too much to really be able to do anything hence why she passed out later + the deceit of the guy and girl involved.

What can I really change...nothing, it's in the past but that doesn't help how to deal with it.

It sounds like you don't think that the values that justified the behavior are in the past.

I think your distinction between using illegal drugs at a party and using them "permanently"(whatever that means in practice) is a distinction without a difference. Again if her drug use doesn't bother you- or whether she doesn't think it was a mistake to use those drugs -then what she chose to do after she chose to use shouldn't bother you either.

I don't think you need to look down on her behavior -just to decide whether it's compatible with your values and whether her present values are compatible with yours.

I don't think your true concern is that she was at risk of being raped or seriously injured after she was given the extra dose of her drug - it bothers you as to which part was her desire and how much she enjoyed it and it probably bothers you that she told you as much as she did - she could have told you that sharing the details could only be harmful and that itwas inthe past -my guess is she got a thrill out of telling you about her sexual escapade and that bothers you.

I don't think you need to look down on her behavior -just to decide whether it's compatible with your values and whether her present values are compatible with yours.

 

I don't think your true concern is that she was at risk of being raped or seriously injured after she was given the extra dose of her drug - it bothers you as to which part was her desire and how much she enjoyed it and it probably bothers you that she told you as much as she did - she could have told you that sharing the details could only be harmful and that itwas inthe past -my guess is she got a thrill out of telling you about her sexual escapade and that bothers you.

When she first told me, she claimed it was an interest and just happened. She said this was because she didn;t want to tell me the full story and was a little embarrassed by how and what happened. I kind of got the rest out of her by continually questioning the event until she basically told me everything.

it bothers you as to which part was her desire and how much she enjoyed it and it probably bothers you that she told you as much as she did

exactly. I guess I can never really know the answer because I am not her. She doesn't remember everything and says she wasn't particularly excited by it otherwise she'd be doing it again. However, for a random girl to appear in the room and to then start having sex with her, I can only imagine that someone would do that if they were extremely turned on - do you see the dilemma?

FWIW, a lot of people use GHB as a come down drug after speed and some even use it as an alcohol replacement when dieting.

However, for a random girl to appear in the room and to then start having sex with her, I can only imagine that someone would do that if they were extremely turned on - do you see the dilemma?

But why is that bad if she is turned on? People have all manner of sexual fantasies and tendencies. I'm not sure how her being turned on is a dilemma. Is it because you are feeling you don't provide the same excitement for her?

Did you read the part about where the man put an extra dose into her drink (not wipeout dosages but more than just merry, didn;'t tell her about his GF, and then his GF returned later and just got into bed)?

I read it, but I don't see how that was in your girlfriend's control, which is why I didn't address it specifically. I'm not familiar with that drug and don't know the extent to which it clouds judgment and/or leads to rape.

She told me these details as I asked about threesomes, maybe I shouldn't have but I want to know the person I'm with.

I think the fact of the matter is that you can be normal/nice/friendly but also experiment sexually. Engaging in a threesome doesn't make you a bad person. To be frank, I think your underlying issue here is that you likely have conservative views of sex. And that's okay, but that's your choice to make for you and you only. You're only going to torture yourself mentally if you get angry every time someone close to you does not have the same morals.

I guess I'm not like normal guys either, I don;t like the female female part of the action either.

I think I would have the same response. Your morals are your own. If you find that this knowledge makes her incompatible with you, then that's your choice to make. But I would try to remind yourself that sex takes up a rather small percentages of our lives proportionally. The kinks we have and our sexual adventures do not necessarily bleed into the rest of our lives. Just be careful before you let a perfectly nice person go over it.

I have just looked at your other threads from 2008 and it seems to be an ongoing theme with your relationships that you get hung up on the woman's raunchy sexual past. There was one you couldn't deal with because of all the FWBs she has had. I am sure there are plenty of women out there who only had sex within the confines of a committed relationship..and yet you keep choosing women who see sex as simply entertainment. You can't change who these women are and what they have done...but you can choose to find women whose sexual values are more in line with yours.

I have just looked at your other threads from 2008 and it seems to be an ongoing theme with your relationships that you get hung up on the woman's raunchy sexual past. There was one you couldn't deal with because of all the FWBs she has had. I am sure there are plenty of women out there who only had sex within the confines of a committed relationship..and yet you keep choosing women who see sex as simply entertainment. You can't change who these women are and what they have done...but you can choose to find women whose sexual values are more in line with yours.

Yeah, maybe but they are all slightly distinct. My current GF doesn't see sex as ONLY entertainment. You have to remember that she went with this guy because she thought something might work out into a relationship. She didn't know she was being tricked/drugged into a threesome at the time.

It's a ll from a jealousy standpoint and or sexual values standpoint I suppose.

I'm not familiar with that drug and don't know the extent to which it clouds judgment and/or leads to rape.

Where I am from, GHB is called the "date rape drug." A lot of guys in the clubs would slip this into womens' drinks and rape them later. it was a huge problem when I went to college.

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Andrew Luster (heir of Max Factor cosmetics) was convicted of slipping this drug into womens' drinks and raping them.

To me, the argument is not about illegal vs. legal drugs, or permanent vs. occasional drug use - the fact is - if you choose to use drugs, you have to deal with the consequences that comes with them. for example, associating with people who might decide to do harm to her, or give her a little bit extra of the drug. (and then what is she supposed to do?! Go to the police and tell them that he gave her 2 doses instead of 1?!)

Fact is, basically anyone over the age of 14 has a sexual past, so you'd better get used to that and stop asking questions and ask them not to tell you either.

Is it because you are feeling you don't provide the same excitement for her?

I have to agree with this statement. After reading this and all your replies it seems to me you just don't feel as if you live up to what she has already done. If you love your GF then don't put so much thought into it. Shes with you for a reason.

Yeah, maybe but they are all slightly distinct. My current GF doesn't see sex as ONLY entertainment. You have to remember that she went with this guy because she thought something might work out into a relationship. She didn't know she was being tricked/drugged into a threesome at the time.

It's a ll from a jealousy standpoint and or sexual values standpoint I suppose.

She knew she was taking GHB..although she was not aware of the higher dose, she did agree to taking GHB. I have a hard time believing that a woman who is well versed in the party/club scene, would assume that going home with a guy after just meeting him is all about a relationship rather than sex. I think you are really harping on the wrong issues here. She was not some young innocent being who thought she was going to get a relationship out of this. She went home with him to get high and have sex. End of story. You need to decide whether you want to be with someone who, in the past, picked up a strange guy at a club, went home with him and got high together, had sex, and then had a threesome. Sorry, she is not an innocent victim who got misled by this guy...she chose this lifestyle and behaviour.

It's not always necessary to wait before finding someone.

Sometimes girls wait, sometimes they don;t wouldn't you agree - it''s a different strategy, they're not sure which is going to work out. From what she said GHB has never had that effect on her. A lot of people take it as an alcohol replacement even though it's stigma is more associated with the date rape aspect (see the link below for mild effects).

When you go to a club, are you only after sex?

Yes, the odds are probably on the side of one night stands but plenty of people go to clubs...all types.

And she had met him once before to be fair. I have met nice girls in bars/clubs before and I've met some party girls too that I wouldn't go out with.

Where I am from, GHB is called the "date rape drug." A lot of guys in the clubs would slip this into womens' drinks and rape them later. it was a huge problem when I went to college.

 

Here are some effects:

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I have to agree with this statement. After reading this and all your replies it seems to me you just don't feel as if you live up to what she has already done. If you love your GF then don't put so much thought into it. Shes with you for a reason.

Maybe, but I worry that doing something out of the ordinary means you have to be more turned on than normal to do it. More than being in a normal relationship could do.

Exactly. I think this is something many straight guys struggle with. It's the whole virgin/ * * * * * thing. If a woman seeks out sex for pleasure or outside of the confines of a relationship (something which many, many guys do) they get hit with the double-standard and their morality is put into question.

The key here is what Crazyaboutdogs said. Don't try to dream up a story in your mind to justify the behavior. Just take it for what it is and decide whether you can live with it.

I really don't understand why you are beating this to death. On the one hand you defend her for going over to this guy's place and take drugs and have sex...and on the other hand you are upset that she was incredibly turned on by the whole thing and was up for the threesome. If she was going there to get high and have sex with someone she barely knew, then of course she was going to get really turned on..because that was her purpose...to have great orgasms and experiment. She didn't go there to learn more about his philosophy on life and to have a coffee, she went there for drugs and to get laid. There is nothing you can do about it now because it has already happened. If you don't like that aspect of her personality then you can choose to walk away. If you can't handle a woman with a raunchy sexual past then don't date them.

Maybe, but I worry that doing something out of the ordinary means you have to be more turned on than normal to do it. More than being in a normal relationship could do.

Let's assume for a moment that your girlfriend enjoyed the sex with the other woman. What then? Are you going to chastise and/or leave her for potentially being bisexual? Again, I'm not sure how this is really relevant to anything. She's with you because she wants to be with you, and she should be judged based on her behavior while in a relationship with you. Not some sexual romp she had when she was single.