Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 13

Thread: I'm ready to move in, but he's not :(

  1. #1
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    577

    I'm ready to move in, but he's not :(

    Hello all my friends at ENA, I just need some insight on a conversation I had with my bf yesterday.

    My lease will be up on my apartment the beginning of June, and I'm required to give 60 days notice, so I've been thinking very seriously about what my next living situation is going to be in a few months. Yesterday I asked my bf what he thought about us moving in together, and he told me he doesn't feel he is ready for that yet. We have only been dating for about 8 months, and he just feels it's too soon. He said, "we haven't even been together a year." He has lived with a few previous girlfriends ( he's 19 years older), all ending in disaster because they moved in together way too quickly according to him. He told me he told himself he would never do something like that again. This kind of threw me off guard, because we moved very quickly in the beginning of the relationship and he always talked about me moving in with him, he even said once that his plan was for me to move in with him... but it doesn't seem like that's what he wants now.

    After he told me these things, I got a little upset. He asked me why I want to move in with him and I said because I love him and take this relationship very seriously, I want things to progress between us. He said he does too... but he just isn't ready and he doesn't want things to end up being a disaster. He then told me that he loves me, and to trust him, that he will let me know when the time is right.

    I respect what he says, and I completely understand what he says and where he's coming from. We have had a lot of ups and downs in this relationship, and we are finally starting to communicate better, and have a healthier, happier relationship. I'm not going to push this or anything, but I still feel worried that he isn't ready to make that sort of commitment to me. I feel like I'm surrounded by couples that moved in months after starting to date, and have now been together for years. It just feels strange that we don't do the same. And it also scares me to feel so ready and so sure about all of this, when I feel like he's questioning it and feeling so unsure himself.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Posts
    2,598
    Gender
    Male
    Once bitten, twice shy.

    That's his boundary and he is obviously not going to compromise it.

    You shouldn't be too worried. I'd only start asking questions after you guys have been together for a year and he still doesn't want to move in.

    For now, respect his boundary like you're doing, and don't push him.

  3. #3
    Silver Member BMP2CPM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    PA
    Age
    49
    Posts
    428
    Gender
    Male
    Just some general, very random, thoughts from a guy's perspective.

    1) The grass is always greener on the other side. Don't compare your relationship status to others. Living together is not necessarily better than not living together.
    2) If he's 19 years older, he's only interested in 1 of 2 things: 1) Having kids since you're more fertile than women his age (low probability based on his behavior) or 2) Lot's of sex with a younger woman (high probability that's the reason he's with you)
    3) Women tend to work less at the relationship once you're living with the guy. Break ups are much messier if you live together, so it's easier for the woman to slack off in the relationship after living together. Seriously, what's the incentive for the guy to live with a woman? It generally means less sex. And the sex is why he's with you.
    4) Don't make important life decisions based on when your lease expires.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Posts
    2,598
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by BMP2CPM
    Don't make important life decisions based on when your lease expires.
    Bam. Right there.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Canada
    Age
    56
    Posts
    25,633
    Gender
    Female
    Looking at your other threads you have had so many problems and issues with this guy that I think it is a blessing in disguise that he doesn't want to live with you. The writing has been on the wall for a long time that this relationship is not a good one for you and you spend a lot of time feeling hurt.

  7. #6
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Chicago
    Posts
    916
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by BMP2CPM
    Just some general, very random, thoughts from a guy's perspective.
    3) Women tend to work less at the relationship once you're living with the guy. Break ups are much messier if you live together, so it's easier for the woman to slack off in the relationship after living together. Seriously, what's the incentive for the guy to live with a woman? It generally means less sex. And the sex is why he's with you.
    I love the honesty. It's amazing that women know that and yet we still refuse to admit it sometimes.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,654
    I don't think sharing physical space is a sign of increased commitment -plans to get married (or plans to be together long term if marriage isn't available or desired bythe couple) are and the sharing physical space is just the consequence of the increased emotional commitment.

  9. #8
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    577
    I appreciate your reply and definitely see truth to some of the things you've said, but number 2 and 3 are actually wrong. He does not want kids, he's made that very clear. Also, he isn't with me for "lot's of sex". I'm the one in the relationship with the much higher libido, and the one that usually initiates it. We only have sex 1 - 2 times a week, while I sleep over at his house several times during the week. He's admitted to me that sex isn't a huge importance to him.

  10. #9
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    577
    Originally Posted by Crazyaboutdogs
    Looking at your other threads you have had so many problems and issues with this guy that I think it is a blessing in disguise that he doesn't want to live with you. The writing has been on the wall for a long time that this relationship is not a good one for you and you spend a lot of time feeling hurt.
    Thank you for your reply Crazyaboutdogs, I always appreciate hearing from you.

    I know we've had our fair share of issues, but things have actually been getting much, much better. We are communicating extremely well now, and he's been just been so wonderful towards me. Things have been going in an uphill direction for the last few months now, and I really feel that the dynamics of the relationship are changing.

    You're probably right, I'm just trying to be optimistic and hold out hope that things might actually be permanently be changing for the better.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    4,544
    I'm with Crazyaboutdogs...from your other threads, and this one, it sounds like based on what you write that you sacrifice so much of your own needs and happiness for this guy, and it's not being reciprocated. I think you very much want this relationship to work out, but it's all about him...his terms, his needs first. I've been in relationships, where we had a lot in common, got along, had great fun, connection...but it's like walking on egg shells...like one thing you say or do, you worry, fuss, have anxiety over it.

    When you get to my age, which I think you are just about or so (adult anyway)...8 months is long enough to figure out if you can picture or even start planning a future with someone. Heck, I've had hideous instances living with old bfs, and I mean the last time I lived with a guy, it was hideous! And it's not making me shy away from getting a place with my sweetheart in June (cuz I know he's the one I want).

    But I will tell you this. Your insecurity makes him insecure with the relationship. (Repeat) And your insecurity is VALID!!! People stimulate things in you that make you feel loved, cherished, trusted, crazy, or insecure. And there is something about this partnership that is triggering it. Take some time to think about it. If someone is really on your wavelength, same page, what have you...that insecure feeling...it's doesn't weigh you down, or isn't there.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •