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Men, Do You View Sex As Separate From Love & Emotions?


lerira

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I'm not sure how to phrase this but here's the scenario:

 

My boyfriend told me something along the lines of, "Most men view sex as a physical activity separate from love & emotions. Many can have sex for pleasure and fun without having an emotional connection with the woman. They can have a long-time partner whom they truly love...and still go out there, have sex with a woman they have the hots for without feeling anything emotional for her."

 

I know this isn't necessarily true. But I am curious to see how MEN think of sex: Do you view it as simply a physical act or do you view it as an extension of love? Or can you think both ways?

 

I've never had one night stands, or a friends with benefits, nor do those appeal to me. I think I'd feel empty inside, particularly if I've had sex with a stranger!

 

So maybe some men just want the carnal pleasures out of sex and others want both?

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Well that could be why men find it so easy to cheat on their partners because they can have sex without the emotions attached to it.

 

I suppose. I KNOW not all men are like this- look on ENA! And certainly not all women are about emotions either. Plenty who go out there looking for sex, nothing more. But men generally get the bad reputation.

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I suppose. I KNOW not all men are like this- look on ENA! And certainly not all women are about emotions either. Plenty who go out there looking for sex, nothing more. But men generally get the bad reputation.

 

It is less acceptable for women to go out just look for sex. So the ones that do aren't as talkative about it. It's a little silly but if a woman says she likes to have causal sex a chunk of the population think she is "bad" or "dirty". I really love sex and I get depressed if I'm not having it so of course when I wasn't in or looking for relationships I had sex just because if felt good and it was fun. For a lot of people that makes me a sl*t.

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It is less acceptable for women to go out just look for sex. So the ones that do aren't as talkative about it. It's a little silly but if a woman says she likes to have causal sex a chunk of the population think she is "bad" or "dirty". I really love sex and I get depressed if I'm not having it so of course when I wasn't in or looking for relationships I had sex just because if felt good and it was fun. For a lot of people that makes me a sl*t.

 

I agree. But didn't you feel empty inside? I mean, I know it's pleasurable but didn't it feel weird at the same time? The person you're having casual sex with doesn't really care for you. He's using your vagina in the literal sense with no care for your feelings.

 

I'd feel empty and bad for myself.

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I only tend to think of women/men as sl*ts when they actually CHEAT on their partners. That is, going out and looking for sex and not telling their partners because they know that their partners would be angry with them. I think that is what a sl*t is. If you're single or in a more open relationship and can go out and have sex and still be respectful of your partner's feelings, then I don't really have a problem with it.

 

I can't separate sex from emotion but I know some women who do.

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I haven't been with a bunch of women, but I've been in a situation where I was getting with someone I wasn't really invested in and I've been in a situation where I was having sex with the only woman I've ever told I loved.

 

To me, sex is nothing more than an expression of something. Sometimes that's love and sometimes it's something else. Just how I feel.

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I agree. But didn't you feel empty inside? I mean, I know it's pleasurable but didn't it feel weird at the same time? The person you're having casual sex with doesn't really care for you. He's using your vagina in the literal sense with no care for your feelings.

 

I'd feel empty and bad for myself.

 

No it doesn't not for me. Sex with someone I love is better. But I don't sleep with people I don't enjoy being around. You can care about a person and not want to be in a relaitonship with them. You can care and not be in love. I also don't think he is using me unless I'm not getting anything out of it. Most people (at least my sex partners and I would HOPE most people) when having sex with someone else _wants_ them to enjoy it.

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But the flip side of that is that the more one separates the emotional from the physical, the more partners one will tend to have.

 

I think that's how it starts out.

 

I do not believe this happens until after the action has been done. The behavior is learned - and it contradicts the behavior that is taught to most of us throughout our formative years [monogamous relaitonships]. I think it starts when a couple relationships in the early years go sour - one or two bad girlfriends/boyfriends, and all the idealistic stuff goes right out the window. Basically, the heart has to turn off first, and after that, it's no contest; with more and more practice, it becomes easier and easier to use other people and move on quickly.

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I dated a couple of girls (not at the same time), and I knew I didn't love them when we had sex. I had to 'power' my way through...

 

I have had sex with girls I was in love with, and it was amazing every time.

 

I would never have sex/make love with anyone ever again unless I was in Love with her.

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Basically, the heart has to turn off first, and after that, it's no contest; with more and more practice, it becomes easier and easier to use other people and move on quickly.

 

That's exactly what I'm saying. You and I are agreeing in our statements. First: the heart shuts down (for whatever reason) and then from there, it becomes a physical quest (which then becomes easier to come by, as you say.)

 

Having never had casual sex (where my emotions weren't involved in any way), it's not something I feel completely qualified to speak to. I don't judge those who do it, morally. But I do question how they got there in the sense that something needs to be disengaged for this to happen in the first place.

 

How such an intimate act turns into pure recreation is not something I have ever really been able to wrap my mind around.

 

I don't see how I could behave in a passionate way without having passion for the man I'm doing this with.

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Personally, I think I only can have sex with people I have some emotional connection with. I have never tried it without any kind of emotions, so maybe I can do that too. Sometimes you never know unless you try it. But I can totally understand having sex without commitment. I don't need to be seriously committed to someone to have sex with them, trusting and knowing them and really liking them is enough.

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But I can totally understand having sex without commitment. I don't need to be seriously committed to someone to have sex with them, trusting and knowing them and really liking them is enough.

 

That, I do have experience doing. But that's not devoid of emotions and feelings. That's just devoid of commitment.

 

My experience of these interactions though was leaving feeling a kind of de-whelmedness.

 

So if it were purely mechanical, I don't think I could find anything whatsoever in that. I don't think.

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That, I do have experience doing. But that's not devoid of emotions and feelings. That's just devoid of commitment.

 

Well, some people think having emotions means wanting commitment. But you can meet someone on a vacation, spend a couple of days with them and feel comfortable enough to have sex with them, and it wouldn't be emotionless. I totally could do that, but some people still would call that casual sex (which it is in a way) and separating emotions from sex.

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Well, some people think having emotions means wanting commitment. But you can meet someone on a vacation, spend a couple of days with them and feel comfortable enough to have sex with them, and it wouldn't be emotionless. I totally could do that, but some people still would call that casual sex (which it is in a way) and separating emotions from sex.

 

Yeah, that's the kind of thing I can't envision myself doing. Just fling-type stuff with people where you don't know them at all and you'll never see eachother again.

 

Trying to flesh that scene out, I see myself face-to-woodgrain with one of the bedposts while I'm flipped over and thinking, "Why again did this seem like such a great idea?"

 

But that's just me.

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Yeah, that's the kind of thing I can't envision myself doing. Just fling-type stuff with people where you don't know them at all and you'll never see eachother again.

 

hmmm, you can't say that you don't know them at all...A few years ago, I went on a trip and met a guy who was also from another country. We spent a couple of days together exploring the city. We couldn't do anything because he had a girl friend, so we stayed completely platonic. But at the end of the second day, I felt such an amazing bond with him, we had so much in common and we talked about a lot of different topics and well, he was very attractive. If he was single, I probably wouldn't have minded sleeping with him.

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I'd have to really be in that situation to know for sure. In rare instances, I've met people who after a few hours I felt I'd known a whole lifetime...which is a bit mystical. And that might change things.

 

But that's an extraordinary type of situation. I'm talking about the more common, run-of-the-mill situation of just hanging out at the bar with someone and just deciding my primary need is to get laid, and asking him to my place (or going to his). Nay on that.

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I'm female and to me, sex can be fun or sex can be a deeply romantic, loving, experience. I usually feel the first. It's hard for me to connect love with sex. though I have in the past. Even with my bf, we have sex, we don't make love. Love is how we treat each other OUTSIDE of bed. I think he treats me better than a lot of guys who act all romantic in bed and then act like complete a**holes after. It's easier to come when you take emotion out of it, too. I've had guys tell me I'm like a guy when it comes to sex. Whatever.

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I agree with Sparkly Eyes - I once went on a trip to Japan, met this great girl and explored the town for the day before being separated.. Spent the next week and half searching for her in the country, through FB updates and arranging meetup in other cities. Our schedule finally matched for one day. I spent an 4 hr train ride to meetup and we spent the next 16 hrs together enjoying a festival. We slept (PG) under the stars, and given the opportunity (hotels were all booked nearby) probably would've made Love, and I would be open to a LDR as we were both leaving for home, which was the same country, just opposite side.

 

Maybe it would've been 'casual sex' at the beginning, but there was a ton of emotions there and it was something I definitely wanted to develop into something more.

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