I hit my boyfriend and I hate myself for it

Please help me. I don't know what's wrong with me and don't know why I do this. I hit my boyfriend for the first time about a year ago and we were engaged, long story short he ended up leaving me and about 9 months later he came back. We have been dating for about three weeks now and two nights ago I hit him again.

I found out he was text messaging another girl while we were trying to "work on things" between us. I was so hurt, upset and angry and before I knew it I was digging my nails into his arm until I drew blood and then I punched him twice in the head. I'm sobbing as I type this it sounds so horrible and I hate myself for this. Honestly, what is my problem. I really love him and I don't know why I get so violent. I need help. I'm actually in counseling to work on these things and I thought I was getting "better" and then when the opportunity to prove myself arose, I still lost all control and now I think I've lost him again and for good. I completely understand why he needs space and doesn't want to be with me. If the tables were turned I wouldn't want to be with an abuser either. It's not healty for either of us and not safe.

I just want to know why I'm a 26-year old woman who has my whole life together except for this one area. I'm capable of holding a great job, have a circle of wonderful friends whom I treat like gold, but when it comes to my boyfriend I turn into another person when I feel threatened. It always happens so quickly and it's like I'm another person and before I know it, it's too late. I want to be a better person, I want to never hit him or anyone else again for that matter. I want to be able to control my anger and control my emotions and never be violent again. Really, I do. Why is it so hard to just calm myself? I don't understand it.

Now I feel like I need to walk away from this relationship even if he does come back. He deserves so much more than me and no one should stay in an abusive relationship. I want whats best for him and I think that means not being with me. I am so sad and upset and ashamed of my actions. I ruined something great by losing control. He gave me another chance and gave me time to show him I can be a better person and I let him down. I feel horrible.

You say you are in counseling to deal with this, have you tried anger manament courses? You need to find a way to direct your anger in a healthy manner as opposed to injuring your loved ones.

You are lucky you didn't get arrested.

Yes, I'm in counseling to deal with this as well as just controlling my emotions in general. I've never tried anger management courses but that might be a good idea. I want to learn how to have the will to just walk away from the situation instead of blowing up at it. I know, I'm very lucky I didn't get arrested, but maybe I should have. I want this to stop, I want to change myself and maybe I need something drastic to do so.

Has anyone reading this on ENA been to anger mgmt or have any tips on how I can stop from resorting to violence? I know it's horrible and I know that no one should stay with me because I'm like this. I truly want to change and don't know why it is so hard for me.

Did you witness a lot of violence in your childhood?

Did you witness a lot of violence in your childhood?

That's what I was wondering...if the OP came from a homelife that was abusive.

Very sad, because I genuinely believe you are truly remorseful. It's horrible when we lose control and really screw things up.

My guess is that someone taught you early on that hitting is OK. A parent? Older sibling? Physical violence of this type (domestic) is generally a learned behavior, not an innate one.

Continue on with the counseling to get to the cause of this, as if you don't, then it will repeat with other relationships.

And don't get on yourself too badly - yes, you screwed up, but you're taking full responsibility and action steps to change and grow.

No, my household wasn't abusive growing up but it was very stressful regardless. My Dad was having an affair during most of my childhood and was never home or when he was home, he wasn't around my Mom and I. Because of my Dad's affair, my Mom fell into a deep depression and was an alcoholic (she has since recovered) and so I spent most of my time alone, I am an only child.

And yes, I am very remorseful. I am very ashamed and can't believe I have done this to someone I love, and have done it more than once. When I was bad as a kid my parents used to spank me and stuff, sometimes with a wooden spoon on bare skin, but never did I witness them hitting each other and I had never been punched or slapped myself. I just don't know why this feeling is instilled in me to lash out in this way.

I most definitly plan on continuing with counseling. I am seeing my therapist on Wednesday actually. In the meantime I'm trying not to get too down but I feel horrible and have no one to blame for my actions but myself. I need to remember that I can change this if I stick to my counseling. I just I could have gotten help sooner so this most recent "attack" had never happened.

Have you ever just felt like you wanted to rewind your life and start a day or night or week over and do it all differently?

Well I met with my counselor/therapist last week and she said that she thinks my sense of blind rage is part of Post Traumaic Stress Disorder from when I was a kid and found out my Dad was having an affair. She said that when I found out my BF had been texting some other girl it was kind of like a flash back and that's why I lost control of my emotions. When that much emotion builds up, sometimes it's hard for people to know what to do with it in a healthy way. Even though I now have a small sense of understanding why things happened this way, it does not mean it's an excuse and I recognize this. She gave me a bunch of exercises and strategies to use to prevent this from ever happening again. I still feel awful for all of it and wish I could take it back, he hasn't talked to me much in the past week and wants me to never contact him again, which I completely understand. Things were going very well until I overreacted. I'm just sick over it all and I miss him so much.

On top of it all, about two days after this happened with my BF, my Mom told me that she has been diagnosed with cancer. Now as an only child from a divorced family, that leaves me completely respondsible for her care and going to appointments with her. Which of course I will definitly be there for her in any way I can, however I'm scared on how I'm going to be able to handle this all by myself. I feel like a little kid that wants to be held. We are meeting with the oncologist and surgeon today and I know it's going to be a tough conversation. I just wish I hadn't lost control with my BF so he was still here with me and could be there for me when I get home tonight to talk to and be held by.

Any helpful words anyone?

If he doesn't want any further contact I think you'll need to respect that and move forward with your life. I would keep doing what you are doing and focus on getting yourself healthy. You've also got your mom to focus on too. Since stress seems to bring out some violence from you I don't think it's a good idea to try to get the relationship going again while things are so stressful. It could just trigger another outburst and the consequences to you could be really severe.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. Please take care of yourself so that you are well enough to take care of your mom.

I wish I could reach out to you. I’m 25 and just experienced something similar. Your advice would help me so much

I wish I could contact you and ask for help :(

I wish I could contact you and ask for help :(

This thread is nine years old.