Avoidant Love vs. Secure/Anxious Love

My therapist and I have been discussing my ex and why I am drawn to him, as well as what his behaviors may signify... We found this article together about Love Avoidants and the difficulty being in a relationship with one, or my case of breaking up, how it's not the best idea for me (a secure, borderline anxious love style) to to pursue anything further with him and just move on.... this may be helpful to some of you out there... sometimes IT REALLY ISN'T YOU, IT'S THEM!

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For some people, relationships signify obligation instead of love. These people who fear being engulfed are called Love Avoidants. Whether you are in a relationship with a Love Avoidant or are one yourself, it is a lonely place to be. These people never allow themselves to experience the full joy of giving or receiving love. The roots of this unhealthy relationship pattern sprout from childhood experiences which lead to fears of engulfment. They aren’t caused by the current relationship; the pattern will be replicated in any intimate relationship.

How It All Began

The Love Avoidant’s experience of relationship in childhood was often one of engulfment. He was a child who felt the need to take care of one parent or fill in for another, such as in single parent families or families where one parent was alcoholic or depressed. Instead of being a carefree child, he often had to play the part of a little adult. Instead of being nurtured, he became the nurturer compelled to fulfill the parent’s needs. His template for relationships is that he will be smothered, manipulated or drained.

Who is a Love Avoidant?

A Love Avoidant is the commitment phobic who refuses to take the relationship beyond a certain level. He is the husband who habitually goes out with the guys instead of making it a priority to come home to his wife. She may be the woman who doesn’t make time for her husband because she’s too busy with the kids. He is the philanderer who never stays with just one person for long.

A Love Avoidant:

• has lots of walls. The walls may be ones of anger, silence, superficial pleasantness or seductiveness. They are all impenetrable and part of an attempt to avoid being smothered or truly known.

• will do anything to avoid being controlled; he answers to no one.

• gets his intensity outside of the relationship, instead of from the relationship.

• spends lots of time away from you or is distracted when around you, leaving no space for intimacy.

• will not invite vulnerability by appearing to want or need anything from you.

• may begin the relationship as a caretaker, just as he played the rescuer in childhood.

• often gravitates to love addicts who are needy and suffocating, reinforcing his childhood message. Watch [link removed[/url] for an upcoming article on love addiction.

• will likely have difficulty giving and receiving this holiday season. He may withdraw or find reasons to avoid the intimate contact of family gatherings.

A Love Avoidant often comes on strong in the beginning of relationship. He wants love; we all do. But, the part of him that is deathly afraid kicks in. With professional help and a lot of diligence, this pattern which keeps the Love Avoidant lonely can be changed. By stopping the intensity outside the relationship and replacing walls with boundaries, he can allow himself to experience the joys of being truly intimate.

Loving a Love Avoidant is painful; he has an arsenal of distancing techniques. It’s tempting to try to reach that unreachable part of him and heal him, but you can’t. Clinging to him makes for a lonely life for both of you.

This is facinating. Please keep posting this stuff.

WOW WOW WOW .. my ex IS this... except the one part about always 'going out with the guys' .. he's really secluded and doesn't go out much. This really helped me.

He is taking care of a parent and won't leave them, and he is young.. pretty much this nails him to a T. He left me after I moved out of his mom's I guess because I didn't want to be the 'rescuer' as you put it..basically their views on life are somewhat skewed to say the least. I'm so glad you posted this, I bookmarked it.

I can't get over how this is bang on. Goes to show, young adult/childhood experiences really form a person. I was so scared his mom would tear us apart, and it did. She is mentally ill and basically this post IS him.

"often gravitates to love addicts who are needy and suffocating, reinforcing his childhood message." This is SO true, in this case that is my ex's mom. I lived there and thus needed 'taken care of' in his mind, as soon as I took initiative and moved out, he left me. I no longer needed 'help' in his eyes but his mom still does. So he left me 2 weeks after I got my first apartment and left me to live alone, to continue caretaker role. I feel also they feel some sort of fulfillment, they feel they owe their parent.

This quote online I found sums it up perfectly...

"I always blamed myself, thinking I wanted too much, but it was because you just can't get what you need from a love avoidant. ..."

So true. I honestly felt this way for years.. he made me feel like I wanted too much meanwhile I kept giving and giving and receiving nothing but hurt and distance. In a weird way it's nice to see him categorized but at the same time is hard to face - that I spent over 5 years with this person and they aren't even aware of their issue

Thank you for this

This sounds A LOT like my boyfriend that I have right now. Some of it isn't right, but I'd say enough of it is right to call him a love avoidant. What can be done with these people? Does he need counselng?? I want us to have a good relationship.

Trying1, I was with mine over 5 years, you can have a good relationship but I found once the parent got so mentally crazy and ill, it tips them over the edge and you can't get them back. They just lose themselves, unless you can get help before that happens. Like I am sure if his parents were 'normal' so to speak, I am certain I would still have my boyfriend right now.. don't know how long but he'd still be here.

Trying1, I was with mine over 5 years, you can have a good relationship but I found once the parent got so mentally crazy and ill, it tips them over the edge and you can't get them back. They just lose themselves, unless you can get help before that happens. Like I am sure if his parents were 'normal' so to speak, I am certain I would still have my boyfriend right now.. don't know how long but he'd still be here.

Yeah, him and I have dating for over 3 years now, but we just recently became more serious, and now he's starting to pull away and make distance..a lot of distance. Before this, I could tell, though that he had some sort of committment issues, because of the way he will act. I actually was talking to him while I read this, so I showed it to him, and he said that it sounds A LOT like him. He's aware of it now, so I think we can try to get him some help.

The problem also is, is that they don't recognize the 'issues' are issues at all.. they think they are normal and it's everyone else that has the problems... unless they recognize they have the issues, and seek out help, then they will continue with this path... my ex is almost 38 and is a love avoidant... doesn't realize it.. he thinks he just can't fall in love, but why would he think his ex knows anything about it... he just thinks he fell out of love, or was never in love at all, and it just wasn't "meant to be" or the "right fit" ... THEY have to realize the issue themselves... maybe anonymously send this article out.. LOL (just kidding)

kuteknish you are right. mine left thinking the distance had to do with the two of us and that we werent right for each other it seems, yet he never thought the distance could be because of him. its so stupid and im glad to have read all this but it hurts alot too. One site I checked out summed it up for me ... I was in the role of the love addict I guess It's just so upsetting I guess and I normally don't agree with labelling someone but this is definitely exactly spot on..

If you want the full thesis on the Avoidnt/Anxious/Secure attachment theory, its out in a book called "Attached." by Levine and Heller.

On a positive note, these authors explain why we become dependent upon each other and debunk the "codependency is BAD" myth altogether. It's not just an emotional desire to be close to another - it's physiological, as in, being with someone else changes how our body works - for the better. We experience less stress, we react less violently to negative stimuli, we experience a higher quality of life when we are "attached" to another human being. Unfortunatley, the "independence movement" has made some people more avoidant than they might be without this issue clouding their vision - the idea that being attached to another is Bad!

I do have some issues with the theory, but I recognize that this theory is quite young and the writers are perhaps still in the chrysalist stage with this theory. They state they are not taking sides with any one group up front and making one group out to be better than any other, but due to the way they have defined the groups, I feel they have gone and done that anyways already.

They are also very Black and White - you are A, B, or C. However anyone of us who has been involved with the sciences already knows we as humans are very Gray. We are A, B, and/or C, where the composition of the three depends on the scenery, what we encounter, and how we are shaed by those experiences. This makes for an interesting color balance, whereas you might have an Ab or an ABc or a abC. I do believe this one will go further than it is now.

These personality styles are not "issues." It's WHO THEY ARE as people and these issues are not something to be changed, though some people can indeed change their type over the course of four or five years. They are personality traits. These people don't have to realize ANYTHING. YOU have to realize that you are incompatible with them, and simply move on to someone who IS compatible with you!

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Great thread. Thank you

I agree on your hand too, Lonewing, that it IS an incompatibility, however, if there is enough compatibility on other levels, then two partners can try and figure out a way to 'love eachother' and compromise.. if the relationship to them is worth it... I think. I thnik everyone is able to change, or compromise for their partner, but only in their realm of comfort.

The longer you play their game, the longer they will keep playing it. Hence, they're incompatible no matter how good it is on all other levels. It's not jsut with you either - you have to learn, though, to not be a martyr.

The other person would have to be familiar with the theory as well, and working towards not flighting away - which, well, it's somehtign that takes 4-5 years. You're ready NOW, they need four to five years to figure things out? NO! Find someone ready NOW.

Thanks Lonewing.. it's true, I have to learn to not be a martyr, but I think I am not always like this just that relationship. Your post related to my situation...

Yeah, I agree with everyone. I think we were together so long and once the mother hit her limit, he seriously just started exhibiting those traits hardcore, more than ever before and it just collapsed. I saw the traits leading up to it but it was when she went ill that he just blew up I guess because he wanted to be a caretaker to someone he can't really take care of yet hes doing it anyhow. He always had 'mom' issues and when she went ill it just became a nightmare. A part of me knew it would ruin us but I stuck around like an idiot and got treated like crap.

Lonewing-- what's your background? Psychology, or anything of the like? ..or just experience and reading on your own?

I'm familiar with the theory, and this list describes my ex down to the ground...I can also surmise from his background WHY he has an avoidant attachment style (adopted at a young age, has no contact with his adoptive family at all,despite them being a loving family as far as I can tell, hates all holidays etc etc)

The thing is though, you get to a point when you realise that although it might help to know that 'it's not me it's him', it doesn't really change the fact that they cannot be in the type of relationship you want.After knowing this about my ex I thought I could make allowances. But that means that I don't get to share the parts of both of us that I feel is normal in a relationship, and so I gave up trying!

Lonewing-- what's your background? Psychology, or anything of the like? ..or just experience and reading on your own?

Long time in college, two degrees [one in the sciences, one in information resources] wide variety of material. I read a lot and I've seen a lot as well. Not enough to be a solid authority in any one field. Sometimes I wish I had gone towards the psyche fields - but then, there is still room for a doctorate in my life...har har har...

So, in the case of my boyfriend, it's just a normal personality trait? I just need to find someone who has the kind of traits that I want?? And he has to find someone who will be okay with him not ever wanting to be committed?

If that's what you're saying(and I may be confused), then I disagree. I think it is something that can be counseled and improved. Yes, it takes time, but it will start to change more and more everyday as long as there is some effort put into it. Just like with someone who is very needy who needs to learn to become more independent. This is possible within a relationship as long as it's recognized and felt to be worth the effort. That's my opinion.

So, in the case of my boyfriend, it's just a normal personality trait? I just need to find someone who has the kind of traits that I want?? And he has to find someone who will be okay with him not ever wanting to be committed?

 

If that's what you're saying(and I may be confused), then I disagree. I think it is something that can be counseled and improved. Yes, it takes time, but it will start to change more and more everyday as long as there is some effort put into it. Just like with someone who is very needy who needs to learn to become more independent. This is possible within a relationship as long as it's recognized and felt to be worth the effort. That's my opinion.

My experience with my ex says that's precisely what it has to be. You have to let some people go because there is no amount of counseling and therapy that will make them decide to be something they're not. Yes, there are some who will change their type, but it's rare. Particularly so if the person is content and happy with their type - and most people in the avoidant strain are happy. I fought her tendencies for a couple years - in the end her self fulfilling prophecies came true - she shut things off and ended it. It's like nailing jello to the wall...

"Needy" is recognized in a more positive light within this book than I have ever read prior. Co-dependency is shot down as well. If your boyfriend is indeed an avoidant, I'd suggest reading though the book at least once, though with a generous grain of salt.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway. We broke up last night. I feel like crap, because he has been leading me to believe that he is serious and wants to live together, got me a promise ring, etc., and then he ends it. Ugh...

That hurts...I'm really sorry how things turned out for you. It's no consolation to me either way.

He doesn't have to find someone who doesn't want to be committed, because he has already found that person - himself. It sucks, but in reality these people hold all the cards in their relationships. They tell you how and when love will be, and any time you try to aspire for anything more, they rip the rug out from under you and jerk back your chain.

I wasn't idle when I mentioned my ex. she did the same thing she did with me with every guy before me; and I've seen ehr doing the same thing she did with me with the guy she's currently with. You might say this guy is OK with a more polyamorous/open relaitonship, but judging by his reaction to what occurred [she started kissing another guy on the dance floor, like she always does when she's drunk and dancing and upset about something else] I'd say he's not any cooler with it than I ever was. She's never going to change, nor will she need to as long as she has her health, her beauty and the trump card, her kids.

What the rest of us can do is learn to recognize these people from a mile away and simply step aside when they come through...although the book does provide some advice in dealing with one should one get closer.

I started reading the book at the bookstore yesterday.. interesting stuff...

It's sad, really... Avoidants won't get into relationships with avoidants because then neither of them hold the cards or have the full power, but avoidants and anxious or even avoidants and secures will never fully be happy... being an avoidant is a sad place to be... Even sadder is that they won't realize that what they do or don't do is based out of their unconscious fears, so unless someone very close to them tells them they need to seek therapy or change their ways, otherwise they will end up alone, they won't...

The thing is, they won't end up unhappy alone - they are Happy alone. They will get what they want when they want, and then get away with not giving anything more than lip service. What is one to do, right?

I thought a fun part of this book was reading about the differnet behaviors voidants strogly support, and how they have made those ideas popular - ideas like, for instance, "Codependency is bad."They've built a strong support for their position too, because many people pursue them, and as a result, are willing to make concessions including following these side theories if it means simply being able to be with them.

Bookstore is a great place to read this one!! It's still new, so the price hasn't fallen much, and libraries won't have it yet.

...right... but just like everyone else, they crave that intimacy and closeness with someone and want to "be happy" but then equate a relationship "not working out" because they think "maybe s/he just wasn't the one" .. Kind of Sad, isn't it?

The important thing here is to not dwell on your ex's failings, but instead what was the payoff for being with him?

You were clearly codependent with him, so although it's tempting to blame him, in fact he had no part in your failed relationship, just as you had no part in his. You are responsible for your behaviour. Not him.

If you want the full thesis on the Avoidnt/Anxious/Secure attachment theory, its out in a book called "Attached." by Levine and Heller.

 

On a positive note, these authors explain why we become dependent upon each other and debunk the "codependency is BAD" myth altogether. It's not just an emotional desire to be close to another - it's physiological, as in, being with someone else changes how our body works - for the better. We experience less stress, we react less violently to negative stimuli, we experience a higher quality of life when we are "attached" to another human being. Unfortunatley, the "independence movement" has made some people more avoidant than they might be without this issue clouding their vision - the idea that being attached to another is Bad!

 

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Er, codependency is BAD isn't a myth. It is bad. It's an unhealthy, need based attachment with little or no real love involved.

This isn't an either/or thing.

No-one who believes in independence believes attachment is bad. It's only the kind of attachment which makes it unhealthy or not.

We are all social animals and we 'need' each other.

But when that need leads to self abandonment, then that is when it becomes codependent.

Again, this isn't a black or white issues, but degrees of healthy and unhealthy.

It is vital for a person to be fully separate and whole to be able to have a relationship.

Any kind of enmeshment and inability to move smoothly between independent and dependent (also called interdepence) is going to lead to trouble.

Peace.