Experiment: Asking female friends for advice

Over the last few days, I have asked several of my female friends for advice. I have never had a girlfriend, never even had any kind of affectionate contact with the opposite sex (if you don't count the occasional hug from my mother and sister).

On the bus today, a woman accidentally put her hand on my leg (she meant to put it on the armrest of the seat). She quickly apologized. I said it was okay, but in my mind I thought: Don't apologize; it's the most female contact I've had in weeks.

Sad.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand: I've asked my female friends for advice, and there's one common theme I have noticed throughout their responses. I must have asked about ten women, and they all said some variation of: "You are a really nice guy and a girl would be lucky to have you"; "I don't see why you've never had a girlfriend, since any girl would be lucky to have you"; etc.

Is this just something girls say? Because if I'm so nice, and any girl would be "lucky to have me," then why have I never had a girlfriend?

Not to be unfair: there was a lot of really good advice in their responses. But there was that common thread throughout: You're a nice guy; any girl would be lucky to have you. Seems like a cliche.

Because if it's true, then why don't girls ever give me a chance?

If you want something in this world you need to take it. Get out there and ask out more women. If you go on enough dates you'll find someone you're compatible with.

You need to work on your mojo. If a cute woman had put her hand on my thigh, I would have responded with, "that's cool. I'm blah-blah, where you heading?" Just like Lostnconfused said, you need to put yourself out there. It's not about whether you are a catch or not, because plenty of coo-ka-doos and jerks get dates and have relationships. The main difference is that they go for what they want. I'd ask your friends for suggestions on where to meet women, if they know women they can set you up with, wardrobe suggestions (boost confidence), conversation tips and topics, and don't forget to smile. Also, take note of your body language, and how your portray yourself to others. Ask, when you look at me and how I'm behaving, what impression do you get?

Girls don't always want "nice" guys...well not at first. They want "take charge" guys, they want "adventure" guys, confident, experienced, cool. I am guessing you are coming accross as a little desperate, a little needy and a little too "oh please date me, it would mean so much to me" instead of "you should date me, it would mean so much to YOU".

Girls want those guys who turn out to be nice but at the beginning you have to be bold, confident and in charge.

Additionally, it is quite possible you are not meeting the volume of women that is needed to be able to get a date, the numbers required. Maybe you are only meeting women who aren't your type, are already taken, or just not interested.

Even the most successful of guys (successful in that they get alot of dates - first ones anyways) strike out most of the time. It really is a game of confidence, numbers and not taking it all too seriously.

There are some excellent advice on this site - look around!

What have you/are you doing to increase your chances? Nothing gets handed to you, you have to work for it.

The last woman who talked to me about the subject said I was a 'lovely guy' and also said I was 'good looking'

Girls don't always want "nice" guys...well not at first.

It's not that women don't want nice guys, it's that they don't want boring guys. Boring is absolutely, positively, the worst thing you can be. You can be a wife-beater or a serial killer and women will still want you because at least that's not boring.

The problem is that "nice" is what you call someone when you can't find anything else good to say about them. You don't want to be nice, you want to be exciting. All else being equal, women would prefer both, but if you have to choose, choose exciting.

if those female friends say those things, why don't they date you then if you're so great?

its very likely these women are just lying to you

Girls don't always want "nice" guys...well not at first. They want "take charge" guys, they want "adventure" guys, confident, experienced, cool. I am guessing you are coming accross as a little desperate, a little needy and a little too "oh please date me, it would mean so much to me" instead of "you should date me, it would mean so much to YOU".

 

Girls want those guys who turn out to be nice but at the beginning you have to be bold, confident and in charge.

 

well if you have no previous positive experiences you wont be confident, you definitely won't be experiences, all in all totally useless advice

if those female friends say those things, why don't they date you then if you're so great?

 

its very likely these women are just lying to you

Often it's not that simple. I also tried asking my female friends, and it didn't get me anyway, but I don't get the feeling that they are lying or hiding the truth from me. It's just that they don't see anything wrong, but they don't see anything they like either.

The good news is that these women are actually our friends.

The bad news is that we are still stuck.

Often it's not that simple. I also tried asking my female friends, and it didn't get me anyway, but I don't get the feeling that they are lying or hiding the truth from me. It's just that they don't see anything wrong, but they don't see anything they like either.

 

The good news is that these women are actually our friends.

The bad news is that we are still stuck.

Agreed. My female friends say the same thing, they don't have any advice or insight and seemingly... there are no issues or problems. Though, I strongly suspect they aren't able to give me constructive criticism and useful advice, since they are my friends and are afraid of perhaps offending me or hurting my feelings? Not helpful in the least.

I think it is all about meeting more women and continuing to do so. If you can constantly meet new people, it really opens more possibilities and options. Easier said than done though. I've been trying to do this for years and it hasn't worked out very well, as I find myself frequently going in circles or hitting a permanent roadblock, even before I get to a meetup.

The female friends your talking about do see good in your, as a friend.

Now that's not a bad thing, but you need women to see you as a "man". Don't get into the friend zone with many women. Go out there, start working out, change your style up, get some color and be yourself. I know it sounds bad, but unfortunately physical attraction is one of the highest forms of attraction for women. Then personality, sense of humor, confidence etc. are the other attractions for women. Just learn how to be yourself around women, take things easy with them and understand the dating game. You can't read up on how to get women and make things work for you, but you can definitly earn experience by meeting new women and possibly pursuing them, right? Your probably a genuine guy, you just need to get interested women to see it.

Get out there, man!

Girls want those guys who turn out to be nice but at the beginning you have to be bold, confident and in charge.

It's hard to have confidence when you have zero experience. And it's hard to get experience when your lack of confidence sabotages everything.

What have you/are you doing to increase your chances? Nothing gets handed to you, you have to work for it.

I'm doing plenty, more than I was just one year ago. I have gone back to school; I am talking to girls in my classes; talking to girls on dating sites. Not expecting anything to be "handed to me," thank you very much.

It's not that women don't want nice guys, it's that they don't want boring guys. Boring is absolutely, positively, the worst thing you can be. You can be a wife-beater or a serial killer and women will still want you because at least that's not boring.

Maybe I should start beating women and murdering people; then perhaps women will start to like me.

The female friends your talking about do see good in your, as a friend.

 

Now that's not a bad thing, but you need women to see you as a "man". Don't get into the friend zone with many women. Go out there, start working out, change your style up, get some color and be yourself. I know it sounds bad, but unfortunately physical attraction is one of the highest forms of attraction for women. Then personality, sense of humor, confidence etc. are the other attractions for women. Just learn how to be yourself around women, take things easy with them and understand the dating game. You can't read up on how to get women and make things work for you, but you can definitly earn experience by meeting new women and possibly pursuing them, right? Your probably a genuine guy, you just need to get interested women to see it.

 

Get out there, man!

Thank you. I definitely want to do all the things you describe. Just not sure how to get my foot in the door.

It's hard to have confidence when you have zero experience. And it's hard to get experience when your lack of confidence sabotages everything.

With that attitude you won't go very far at all. The journey of a million steps begins with one.

Why don't you go Speeddating just for fun? You don't have to call anyone you don't want to, but if you do that a couple of times, maybe you will get a better perception of how women who are not your friends but are looking for a date react to you. And then you can decide if you need to work on your small talk skills or you just need more confidence to smile and keep eye contact or its something else. Now, some gals have different taste in the physical looks of guys so don't let that discourage you. Girls who might not call you because of that perhaps right off the bat will at least have a conversation with you and give you a chance - afterall - its just 8 minutes to begin with.

With that attitude you won't go very far at all. The journey of a million steps begins with one.

I know, I know. And it's not just my lack of confidence; it's the fact that I am always punishing myself for the opportunities I miss, which diminishes my self-esteem even more.

For example, it's almost 3 a.m. where I am, and all I can think about right now is how I should have talked to this nice-looking girl on the bus going home yesterday. (I have seen her a few times before.) After getting on the bus I looked at her and smiled once and I think she saw. But before getting on the bus, there was a little time where I could have tried to chat with her. But I didn't.

There's a chance I will see her again, since I have seen her many times before.

I don't know... Often I feel like I would be "bothering" a girl if I tried talking to her; or she would be thinking: I wish he'd leave me alone. The handful of times I have tried talking to girls at school, they always seem to have that "leave me alone" look about them. Maybe I'm just ugly.

I know, I know. And it's not just my lack of confidence; it's the fact that I am always punishing myself for the opportunities I miss, which diminishes my self-esteem even more.

If I were you (and I am actually very close to it), I wouldn't obsess about the confidence thing. Give it its importance, but don't believe it is all about confidence. Many women will admit to you that looks matter. Many women fall in love with guys who have neither confidence nor social abilities (just see the threads in "shy people" section). And many men who live a normal, healthy social life do not receive attention from women whatsoever.

Instead, you have mentioned something more important: self-esteem. Real confidence comes from your self-esteem, so just "fake it till you make" will NOT work. Why? It doesn't do a thing about your self-esteem, and unless you are a great actor everyone will see through it. How do you improve your self-esteem then? Well, your self-esteem keeps being updated everyday with the experiences you live. This includes both:

(1) what happens to you, and

(2) how you interpret it.

This means you can actually improve your self-esteem by being more optimistic, since this improves (2). But know that this is a loooong painstaking process. And also, as you said, you are facing a problem because your current situation is bad and this means that you will have bad experiences in (1).

That's more or less it. Sorry if I got a bit technical, it's just I'm a bit bored of the typical (and wrong) confidence comments.

but they don't see anything they like either.

thats ok if you don't see anything in them either otherwise i wouldn't hang out with them

It's hard to have confidence when you have zero experience. And it's hard to get experience when your lack of confidence sabotages everything.

 

 

 

I'm doing plenty, more than I was just one year ago. I have gone back to school; I am talking to girls in my classes; talking to girls on dating sites. Not expecting anything to be "handed to me," thank you very much.

 

 

 

Maybe I should start beating women and murdering people; then perhaps women will start to like me.

 

 

 

Thank you. I definitely want to do all the things you describe. Just not sure how to get my foot in the door.

An old friend of mine, Matt, was built like an god, and extremely good looking. And he's still a virgin at 27. Women throw themselves at him. Yet he's completely oblivious to it all.

An old friend of mine, Matt, was built like an god, and extremely good looking. And he's still a virgin at 27. Women throw themselves at him. Yet he's completely oblivious to it all.

Yet another confirmation that looks do matter. Shame that he apparently won't take advantage of what he has.

An old friend of mine, Matt, was built like an god, and extremely good looking. And he's still a virgin at 27. Women throw themselves at him. Yet he's completely oblivious to it all.

Yet another confirmation that looks do matter. Shame that he apparently won't take advantage of what he has.

Well, I'm not a muscular or particularly good-looking guy. I'm actually rather skinny. I work out, though. But I guess not enough to change anything.