Lied for 6 hours about not watching porn!

before i begin i will preface by stating that i understand that nearly all men watch porn! my problem with the situation is that my bf lied about it. one month ago i was using his computer and found porn. i asked him and he instantly negated and said it was his friends who prob did it or something. he said he thinks it is disgusting and would never do it. we had never even discussed porn before or my viewpoints. i dropped it. last week, i find more porn. he said he had no idea. at this point i didnt believe him bec we had cleared browser history. for 6 hours, like an episode of law and order, i asked him over and over, in different ways, to prove it is not his. he kicked and scream, cried, swore to God (i know sad) and said it was not him. 6 hours later though, i was able to squeeze the truth out. last weeks was his and not surprisingly last months too!!! i told him i was so shocked he could lie for so long to my face!!! 6 hours! he kept saying he was ashamed and didnt want me to know or judge him. i told him of course i prob wouldnt like the porn, but that i get it. but now he dug himself in a grave by the lies. it was the most horrible lying episode of my life and i am not sure i can ever trust him again. he really put on a show.

other than that. we had a very loving and connected relationship. plenty of good sex, according to us both, love, respect, etc....but now i feel some of those are compromised by the lies...

am i overreacting or should i truly not trust him ever again??

What you did was stupid, you forced him to lie to you. If you know men watch porn then why do you use it against him and drive him up against the wall over it? Just like you can't help from stopping menstruating he can't help from stopping masturbating. What if i caught you bleeding, and started asking embarrassing questions about it? You'd also try to lie your way out of it ,or at least should be able to imagine people would do that. Look, People cannot help their sexuality, just let them be in freedom otherwhise they'll start jumping like a cornered cat.

Why did you keep asking about it? You're the one that kept pressing the issue. He was probably lying to protect your self-esteem and didn't want you to feel insecure.

If this is the one time he's lied to you, I would let it go. But you have to pick your battles and if porn really didn't bother you, you wouldn't have made this into an issue. I think you need to examine your issues with porn and why you feel such a strong need to prove that he watched it.

What would you have done if he said, "Yes, that's my porn" ?

I hate it when someone lies to me, especally from someone who says they love me. I have a very hard time trusting someone once they've lied. I guess it depends on how you view trust. Everyone is different.

I probably wouldn't like the fact that he lied. However, if he knew you were strongly against porn, then I can see the reason why he would try to hide it from you.

I know how you feel in a sense because at one point, I was insecure with my bf watching porn too, but I soon realized that it had nothing to do with me at all. Guys do it for a quick fix. Perhaps, he'll tell you he won't watch it again, or he was against it because he didn't want you to think differently of him. However, ultimately he'll still do it.

Yes, a majority of the men watch it. It's like someone telling you that you can't watch your fave show because they feel insecure about it. How would that make you feel?

As long as it doesn't affect your sex life, I don't think that there's too much to worry about. Once you realize that porn is just a visualization for him, and nothing more, you'll probably start to ease up.

As far as the trust, just give it time, I'm sure it'll get better. Looking at porn is one thing, at least he's not out physically cheating.

for 6 hours, like an episode of law and order, i asked him over and over, in different ways, to prove it is not his. he kicked and scream, cried, swore to God (i know sad) and said it was not him. 6 hours later though, i was able to squeeze the truth out.

Seriously? No wonder he lies to you. The Gestapo tactics would have been kicking you to the curb pronto.

I think what the OP is getting at, was his adamant stand on how he can lie to her like that, regardless of the issue at hand...maybe it was how you questioned/grilled him.

Thing might turned out differently if for instance, you gave him the night to think about his answer and if he changed his answer in the morning things could've been fine. If he still refused that it was his, and you set some spybots on his computer, and caught him in the lie, then that would be devastating.

Anyways, back to just the Lying - I personally don't think he can be trusted now. Honesty is a HUGE factor for me, as well as hating stubbornness.

Does it really matter how the person reacts to your answer? Have some damn integrity, and own up to your actions whether the person asking likes it or not. I dont care how you slice it, deceit is deceit and it destroys trust which is hard enough to build and maintain. If you're doing something you think you need to lie about, then is it really worth doing?

Did you tell him you were okay with him watching porn, but not about him lying to you while you were questioning him?

Does it really matter how the person reacts to your answer? Have some damn integrity, and own up to your actions whether the person asking likes it or not. I dont care how you slice it, deceit is deceit and it destroys trust which is hard enough to build and maintain. If you're doing something you think you need to lie about, then is it really worth doing?

This logic doesn't apply with porn. The OP knows it exists and knows men watch it - and very well could have condcluded her man watched it to herself and left it alone. Porn is not like kissing a co worker or sexting your SO's friend, it's a natural thing to watch even when in a relationship so you can't apply the logic of 'then is it really worth doing?'. Should he have come out and said it was his? Sure. But OP, has he had an experience iwth a past girlfriend who was against porn? This could be why he felt it was better to white lie you - you need to ask these things before labeling him a complete and utter liar. And IMO, if you're thinking of ending your relationship over THAT then I think the problem goes much deeper than him white lying to you about porn.

^those are good points. past girlfriends, a mindset that porn is 'wrong', or that you'd think lesser of him. still does not excuse the lying imo. personally I would leave him, I need truth in a relationship. can't constantly try and squeeze an answer out with 6+ hours of grilling just because he might not like my reaction! but, you'll have to decide for yourself if you say everything else is fine and dandy.

for me, lying is the biggest dealbreaker, on par with cheating.

I guess I have a hard time wrapping my head around someone ending their relationship over a white lie like this. A major lie sure, I can understand but this? You can never be 100% honest with your partner - it's inhuman to be so - and I think if the OP is expecting him to be she's naive.

he is a practicing christian. i am catholic. he prays before every meal, goes to church with me. was caught by his dad in high school and was told never to do it. he went in detail how he has not done it in years, or had sex in years either. our relationship, he says increased his sexual drive and caused him to go look and be even more curious he says. i get it i do. i was not mad at the porn. i was mad the he just would not throw in the towel already. i am afraid he will lie about anything he does not think i ll like so i dont get mad. but that is not fair. i am honest with him to be fair. if he is honest about who he is, outside of this porn topic, then i get to decide if he is the right one for me, not a fabricated version of himself....

And he probably will lie about things he thinks you will get mad over - whether he took the dog out or the trash out or he was suppose to clean the bath tub and didn't - and every other man in the world will as well.

I guess I have a hard time wrapping my head around someone ending their relationship over a white lie like this. A major lie sure, I can understand but this? You can never be 100% honest with your partner - it's inhuman to be so - and I think if the OP is expecting him to be she's naive.

I expect 100% honesty and I give back the same, to the one person who's supposed to be my best friend and love me unconditionally. perhaps you think it's inhuman, but let's just say we've got a difference of opinion. I know lying is an issue where people take difference stances on (some believe white lies are ok). I am against all lies, "white" or pink or whatever, in a loving relationship.

I try not to lie in general, though I *probably* have lied somewhere over the years. but never to my SO, because I want him to know the 100% truth, all the time. and he deserves it.

that is just my opinion on lying, and I'm sure there are relationships that include white lies that also thrive. but it's not for me. I don't think I'm being naive, either!

I don't think it's the actual lie, or the white lie (though drawing the line on that is very thin unless 100% honesty is given and discussed beforehand as to what is a white lie in the relationship).

I think the OP doesn't like how he can be so stubborn and straight-faced lie to her. What if he tells a major lie in the future, has the same disposition and her crap-o-meter is on the fritz again?

I expect 100% honesty and I give back the same, to the one person who's supposed to be my best friend and love me unconditionally. perhaps you think it's inhuman, but let's just say we've got a difference of opinion. I know lying is an issue where people take difference stances on (some believe white lies are ok). I am against all lies, "white" or pink or whatever, in a loving relationship.

 

I try not to lie in general, though I *probably* have lied somewhere over the years. but never to my SO, because I want him to know the 100% truth, all the time. and he deserves it.

 

that is just my opinion on lying, and I'm sure there are relationships that include white lies that also thrive. but it's not for me. I don't think I'm being naive, either!

So you would end your entire relationship if you found out tomorrow he had lied to you three years ago about something small?

with this new information, it seems he is not at peace with himself, hence the lying. he doesn't even want to admit to himself that he watches porn! so perhaps it's not about you, but about HIS deeply ingrained religious-insecurities. have a talk with him, perhaps it's just an issue he needs to deal with.

that seems kind of counter-productive! the dog and the trash still won't take themselves out. I know that my SO would never lie about those things to me! my dad is a cheater and even he's never lied about those menial things. if someone feels the need to lie to avoid every small conflict, then there seems to be way deeper issues.

I don't think your overreacting. It seems like there is trust issues on his part and some discomfort with your relationship. I wonder why he didn't feel like he could come to you and better yet why he feels he needs to use that as a means of release or stress relief when he has a girlfriend?

I went through this exactly same sisuation. My ex not only goes on porn sites but onto live web cam shows where he pays the girls to do stuff and fling/meetup sex sites. I asked me him about it and he lied and lied and lied. Even though he doesn't work and we are the only people here lie 24/7. He actiually has went off on me when I ask and has told his friends am stressing him out over stuff made up in my head. He owns a mac desktop, so its like did your 1000 dollar MAC faslify information because its out to get you ( ? LOL ).

I tried to tell him it bothers me more that he lied about it but according to him there is nothing to lie about. I mean I go to sleep and the sites show up at 10pm-3am in web history. Friends ( I think not ). Some of these sites ( i have checked the times and dates ) are when am taking a shower or have to go out to the store ect he is on over 25 ) . I mean he goes crazy with this stuff and doesn't take the time half the time to erase his history.. I even found a live webcam receipt for him spending a hour paying a girl to do what he tells her to do. I mean come on those sites you have to register and use credit card to watch the girls and its registered to him but he is so called not going on them. He said they would do nothing for him and he is tried of me bad mouthing him ( really over something your doing ..?)

My biggest thing is him lying to me. MATURE ADULTS don't need to tell white lies like they are little kids. Emotionally mentally mature people have integrity and loyalty and can handle talkin g about stuff even the tuff stuff. I think it is a big sign of what he will do again the next time he encounters what in his mind to be a challenge or problem in the relationship. You don't want to be with someone when things get tuff they LIE to you !

Under no circumstances lying should be a option. I gave my ex a chance many to talk to me be open with me. I wanted to hear why nonjudgmentalLY he likes enjoys going on these sites and talk about how it effects the relationship how it makes me feel and where we should go from there. Not play kid games and tell lies and be secretive with each other. Porn exist yes its apart of many mens lives that is not the most angering part its the fact he showed he couldn't do the mature adult thing and tell the truth share his feelings. I mean if your going to do be man/women enough to do it own up to it and at least talk about it. I think people who put people through this type of stuff in romantic relationships should(TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS AND HOW THERE BEHAVIOR EFFECTS OTHER PEOPLE IN their LIFE.

Regardless if you chose to stay with him or not the bigger issues is HE SHOULDN'T HAVE taken that option away from you by being dishonest! If he is watching porn and you get mad or ect THAT IS YOUR right to do but he needs to stop trying to control the relationship by withholding information that should have been shared esp if you asked him about it.

that seems kind of counter-productive! the dog and the trash still won't take themselves out. I know that my SO would never lie about those things to me! my dad is a cheater and even he's never lied about those menial things. if someone feels the need to lie to avoid every small conflict, then there seems to be way deeper issues.

Alright lets look at it this way. Would you ever out right ask your SO if he thought of someone else while masturbating? Sure, we all have. And any man in his right mind is going to say 'no' because a WHOLE other door is going to open if he says 'yes'. That's a white lie meant to protect you. My fiance can say he has never thought of anotehr woman since being with me - and I do believe him - but if for some reason that changes in the future I don't want to know because that's only going to cause insecurity in myself, I'd rather he just kept lying to me and telling me 'no'. You can be honest in a relationship but there is such a thing as TOO honest.

that seems kind of counter-productive! the dog and the trash still won't take themselves out. I know that my SO would never lie about those things to me! my dad is a cheater and even he's never lied about those menial things. if someone feels the need to lie to avoid every small conflict, then there seems to be way deeper issues.

Alright lets look at it this way. Would you ever out right ask your SO if he thought of someone else while masturbating? Sure, we all have. And any man in his right mind is going to say 'no' because a WHOLE other door is going to open if he says 'yes'. That's a white lie meant to protect you. My fiance can say he has never thought of anotehr woman since being with me - and I do believe him - but if for some reason that changes in the future I don't want to know because that's only going to cause insecurity in myself, I'd rather he just kept lying to me and telling me 'no'. You can be honest in a relationship but there is such a thing as TOO honest.

Why are you snooping around his web history? You were looking for fight when you started going through his private space. You may say you don't have a problem with porn, but you obviously do if you feel the need to snoop and then call him out on it.

If I had found porn on my guys computer, I would say "I'm glad I'm dating a man with a healthy libido". Otherwise, its not my business, its his computer and his choice.

Alright lets look at it this way. Would you ever out right ask your SO if he thought of someone else while masturbating? Sure, we all have. And any man in his right mind is going to say 'no' because a WHOLE other door is going to open if he says 'yes'. That's a white lie meant to protect you. My fiance can say he has never thought of anotehr woman since being with me - and I do believe him - but if for some reason that changes in the future I don't want to know because that's only going to cause insecurity in myself, I'd rather he just kept lying to me and telling me 'no'. You can be honest in a relationship but there is such a thing as TOO honest.

we'll just have to agree to disagree then. I don't think you can be too honest. if I ASKED him a question, then he should TRUST that I'm secure enough to handle the answer. sometimes it hurts, sure, but I'd rather know than not know. and we can work through it. it's just my preference of dealing with issues. and yeah, I'm very inquisitive, I ask a lot of stupid questions. and even though some of the answers aren't what I would've liked to hear, I'm always grateful that he's truthful. because then the 'right' answers mean all the more to me!

So you would end your entire relationship if you found out tomorrow he had lied to you three years ago about something small?

depends if he had a good reason, and what the lie was. also, depends how I found out. if HE told me himself, to come clean, sure, I can forgive that. perhaps three years ago he wasn't comfortable enough in the relationship to tell me yet. but if I found out from someone else, and he STILL wanted to lie to me about it (if he could), then yeah I would end it, since how would I know what's real and what isn't? UNLESS it's something deeeeeply personal (such as OP's porn-religion-guilt issue, perhaps), and he was willing to work out the issue, and he was truly sorry about it. because I expect my SO to have this one viewpoint that is the same as mine; lying is unacceptable in a loving, trusting, understanding relationship. it's just as important to me as he agree that cheating is wrong, that hitting is wrong.

honesty is very important to me. I can understand how some people allow and even encourage white lies in a relationship, but it just isn't for me. luckily my partner agrees with me on this. (:

*shrugs* To each their own, I just see us all as humans who are not perfect. But if you're willing to end a relationship over even a small white lie, there are deeper issues at hand that has nothign to do with the lying. I have been lied to in a relationship and to my face at that.

OP, if you don't want him to lie to you don't ask questions that you already know the answer to. And it might be best if you don't go through his internet history.. that screams that you don't trust him and you are snoooping.

End of story point is i have every right to know the truth about who am dating and what there about if they won't tell me...

I want to know what type of person am with. They may not be right for me and i will never know unless they are honest and share there feelings WITH me. WITH MY GUY HE IS LOOKING FOR RANDOM PEOPLE TO HAVE SEX WITH ( AS WELL AS THE PRON SITES) iF HE FEELS THIS WAY I NEEDED TO KNOW SO I COULD MOVE ON TO FIND SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO BE WITH ME THIS IS FAIR AND ONLY RIGHT NOT TO BE LEAD ON ) THAT IS PUTTING MY LIFE AND WELL BEING AT RISK SO YOU ARE RIGHT AFTER TEH FIRST TIME I SAW THAT I WAS CHECKING You say its wrong i went through his web history i say its wrong for people to act like children adn lie about who they are and what they are about. Lying is wrong no matter teh situation..

AND EVERYONE DOESN'T DO AND EVERY GUY DOESN'T ECT ECT UNLESS YOU KNOW EVERY GUY IN THE WORLD YOU CAN'T GENERALIZE IT TO TRY TO MAKE IT OK

PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW THE TRUTH - POINT BLANK! IF YOU HAVE TO FIND IT OUT BY ACCIDENT OR ECT DO IT. NO ONE DESERVES TO LIVE A LIE OR DEAL WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN'T HANDLE ADULT ISSUES. IF SOMEONE LOOKS AT PORN AND ITS NO BIG THING THEN WHY CAN'T THEY OWN UP TO IT. LITTLE KIDS TELL LIES GROWN UPS TELL THE TRUTH WHETHER THE OHER PEOSON LIKES IT OR NOT. WHAT IS TEH USE OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN'T ACCPET YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE WHAT YORU ABOUT HOW CAN THEY DECIDE IF YOU LIE TO THEM