Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 74 of 75 FirstFirst ... 7172737475 LastLast
Results 731 to 740 of 742

Thread: shadows

  1. #731
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    bc
    Posts
    3,026
    Gender
    Male
    Whooooooo!!

    Contract OVER! Bam. Made bank. Onwards to a place of loving tenderness. Not much to complain about at the moment.

    Enjoying the rain...and a well-deserved beverage. Tomorrow is a day of rest. Sleep in!

    Khruangbin in November! Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #732
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    bc
    Posts
    3,026
    Gender
    Male
    Up...down...

    Up...down...

    Just never ends, does it. The constant flow of life and its challenges.

    I feel emotionally challenged right now. There was a little window of physical un-wellness last week that bled into a long weekend...and it feels like it really contributed to a general feeling of emotional lowness. Been taking it out to some degree on my current relationship. Feeling a bit smothered by it...or the circumstances around it.

    There was a trigger that's been rolling around inside of me...and i've been trying to pin down what the root of the feeling is. Girlfriend met my uncle last year...just once when we stopped in for me to visit and make a little property exchange. This particular uncle doesn't often have a lot of communication with any of the family...but he took an instant liking to her. Gave her a beautiful piece of his particular art (an art that she also practices). He has a young son (similar in age to my girlfriend's daughter). They even have a mutual acquaintance from a remote living location where she used to live, and he once visited. Seemed to be an instant rapport. And since then, they've kept in contact...a little sporadically...but consistently over time. Now he's invited her to stop in around Christmas. I feel so irked by all of it. On some level, it feels really childish, my feelings. I think some part of me wanted to have a connection come through for a change. I feel like second-fiddle to her on this level. She's got instant likability with females...and an ability to connect quickly. And with men, especially older men, she seems to always have an in. So on some level, I'm jealous of this quality in her. I envy her ability to get in so quickly. On the other hand, part of me feels that she's being naive and the whole thing is actually inappropriate. I have this tingly gut feeling that the whole thing is just a little weird. We've got our own Christmas plans...and those plans would see us travelling in proximity to this uncle. It's a resounding ''no'' inside of me to want anything to do with that now.

    Could be some deeper sense of inadequacy shining through...because this just seems to be a trigger for other things I've been working on processing with this relationship. My relationship with her daughter has improved greatly. We're both much more consistent figures to each other at this stage. I'm possibly the most consistent male figure in her life at the moment. But I struggle with some of the ''affection'' that feels manipulative. It feels taboo to say, but when a 7-year old says that she loves me, my knee-jerk reaction is pure skepticism...and a degree of annoyance. What 7-year old can possibly understand love on any level other than a narcissistic one...one that revolves around her getting her own needs met. For the average 7-year old...the world revolves around her. Love isn't actually possible in that sense. And it's not a knock on kids...it's just the reality of development. We can't possibly love someone else until we realize that we're not the focal point of all life (hence why people that ''grow up'' without letting go of this feeling tend to struggle with relationships). It doesn't help that the words often come out layered with some creamy buttering. It's just a little too disney for me. I struggle with this role...because it feels so alien to me. I've had moments of genuine affection in the mix...and beyond that a sense of responsibility that trumps the feelings in general. Assuming I'm to be a part of this person's life and development, it's not my job to be a friend so much as it is to be a model of consistency. To be fair. To be kind. To model appropriate behaviour...and to help instil some level of emotional competence (it's ironic...I know...).

    I've also been questioning whether this relationship is compatible on the life-goal front. It sure feels like it is on some of the deeper levels. I get a bit bogged down with the financial side of things though...and it's something that comes back when I'm feeling less secure and/or threatened (see childish feelings around the uncle-business). I feel like I've discovered a new motivation for this on my own personal level...and it's something we've shared conversations about. She comes across as being on-board... but I question whether it's something she'd really be able to get behind on the most practical level. When it really comes down to it...I can't see it happening. Basic support for herself and her family...yes...but in terms of taking it a step further and preparing for a future on some level...nope. It feels important to me. Balancing this mission with a life that feels well-lived...

    I've been feeling little twinges of inadequacy...and I think behind it all that's what's got me really feeling the emotion right now. Kind of like I can't do enough here...where I'm at. That we're trying to integrate...to share life together...but there's resistance to actually do that. From me on an emotional level. From her on a more practical level. I have this willingness to participate, but seem to get a bit shafted on the duties and the responsibilities. It's not something I feel used to. Uncomfortable.

    They're all swirly, these thoughts. They come and go with the general energetic flow. I question my own ability to provide in this relationship...to transcend my own emotional blocks and learn better methods of communication. I get bogged down in feelings of resentment sometimes...and my old lizard wants to freeze or flee or some combination of those two responses. It just doesn't want to engage. It's a poor part of the dynamics...and maybe by doing my best to view it through a clearer lens I'll find some clarity. But the allure of fleeing is just so enticing. It's my particular emotional ''demon''...and one that I've become accustomed to. I'm not naive enough to believe that this particular relationship is the ''problem''. It's not...and I'm not a problem either...but it's interesting to come face to face with the same problematic behaviours.

    I think I'll mention the uncle thing to her. She deserves to know how I feel about it...regardless of whether or not she agrees or thinks my feelings are reasonable. She knows my feelings around the daughter ''love'' (and supports my feelings around it). We're still exploring some of the other things...and I think the onus is on me to be more courageous in expressing what I need in a partner.

    Seems a good place to end the little rant...

  3. #733
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    16,427
    Just wanted to say Merry Christmas 90.
    I still really appreciate all the insight and support you've shown over the years.
    I read your last post and it strikes me how far you have come with expressing your feelings, and being present in this relationship you are in. Sure, there's challenges sometimes, isn't that true for all relationships. But it sounds fulfilling for you and like there's is a tremendous amount of respect and love there.

    Wishing you a wonderful Christmas.

  4. #734
    Member Frazen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    7
    I just find it amazing that you've kept this journal for so long. Glad that you're going to let your girlfriend know about your feelings. It's often better to tell them...

    Also I really like how you express yourself in words. They flow really well with a logic that is unlike the mathematical formulaic logic. It's more like an emotional logic that governs your writing.

    Take care of your old lizard!

  5.  

  6. #735
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    bc
    Posts
    3,026
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    Just wanted to say Merry Christmas 90.
    I still really appreciate all the insight and support you've shown over the years.
    I read your last post and it strikes me how far you have come with expressing your feelings, and being present in this relationship you are in. Sure, there's challenges sometimes, isn't that true for all relationships. But it sounds fulfilling for you and like there's is a tremendous amount of respect and love there.

    Wishing you a wonderful Christmas.
    This was a nice surprise. Thanks for your feedback, IAG. Been so many years here...and it warms me a little to know that there are still a few around from the relative beginning. It's good to have some reflections from someone who has witnessed some of my more exposed tendencies. Can always rely on honest feedback.

    I was actually thinking about you recently...and about something you said in a thread of mine from a couple years back. It had something to do with kids...specifically kids who have parens who don't live together. I think it was in regards to one parent's level of participation...particularly a very low level (as opposed to regular, consistent sharing between two stable parents). I've learned for myself just what that means. Looking back, if I'd known what I know now I would've bowed out. That's experiential wisdom for you though. It doesn't come from anyone else. I've had to live this one for myself.

    It's a bit of a mess...and I can't say I know the way forward. Seems so alien to me. So much beyond my control. A lot of acceptance of that which I have no ability to change.

    Hope you're doing well. Been ages since I checked in with the journal section here...

  7. #736
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    bc
    Posts
    3,026
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Frazen
    I just find it amazing that you've kept this journal for so long. Glad that you're going to let your girlfriend know about your feelings. It's often better to tell them...

    Also I really like how you express yourself in words. They flow really well with a logic that is unlike the mathematical formulaic logic. It's more like an emotional logic that governs your writing.

    Take care of your old lizard!
    Ha! The old lizard. Not sure how much care he requires. Seems he's about as primordial as they come...just rolling along on instinct...

    Thanks for the feedback, Frazen. This has been a place of purging for me...so the flow has its roots in that. Usually just honest expression.

    Glad you said hello. :)

  8. #737
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    bc
    Posts
    3,026
    Gender
    Male
    hello old friend...

    it's a bubble. had a funny little ena thought today...so...here i am. i can recall a time when this place was a little crutch. might've been borderline addictive. hours a day...every day. perusing. contributing. beyond the normal interactions. i think most things work that way though. there's a fine line between participation and over-consumption. i'm glad it was here while it was here. some fantastic connections and insights from some lovely humans (a handful who have contributed snippets of wisdom on this journal...or just acted as anonymous ears for some emotional purges). there's some sincere gratitude there.

    addictions are funny little creatures. i spent years nurturing the screen addiction. reminiscent of the addiction that originally brought me here...and then the other addiction that was the fodder for the journal in the early days. addictions often travel in packs (no pun intended). they work together. it's why substance abuse is rarely isolated to single substances. well...it's part of the why. trauma the underlying precursor to most. perhaps. with the screen...i think part of it just boils down to the shear ubiquitous-ness of the screen world. i got wrapped up in the world of phone app games (one in particular). the gratification structure of this particular game...yikes. hit all the little reward centres. years. i spent years diddling my device because of that little game. there was an illusion of satisfaction buried in there. the usual justifications that come with all addictions. the game got me in front of the screen...and then there were other screen things to wrestle with. what a pit of despair! that's kind of how i see it anyway. wonderful tools these screens...but if i can trust the feedback of honest friends, i'm not alone in feeling like i was mostly being USED by the tool. so backwards. reminds me of how our minds our often using us. they run rampant. using us. using us. tools. using us? it's a bit mental. but i think it explains why humans are so uncomfortable when their minds stop (usually by accident) and they're left to ponder existence just as they are. terrifying. it's why we flea to distractions. it's why we'd rather watch netflix than sit in silence for 20 minutes. it's why we're so hungry for digital interaction. it's why we have trouble stopping...why we're perpetually busy.

    mm. long and short of it all...the screen addiction has left. cold turkey. the game account was deleted (which involved a lengthy exchange between myself and game creators. they were reluctant to delete my account. could have something to do with the fact that they've engineered the game to be highly addictive...to the tune of $800 million in profits last year -- some $2 billion in gross revenue). and...the motivation was the same as when i stopped smoking. a choice. both addictions give nothing. they take. and they leave a void of dissatisfaction and general unease in their wakes. and now...i've found that i don't interact with any screens for more than the most necessary tasks. there's the occasional text exchange. a westworld season 3 binge. research for building projects or how-to tutorials. but it's not obsessive. it's not mindless. and there are days where i don't even know where my phone is. it's opened up space...

    space. for anything and everything that feels better. maybe it's a nap with the cat. maybe it's a walk. maybe it's just doing nothing. maybe it's quality time with someone i care for. all of these things feel good in a nurturing way. overall...it's been a positive shift.

    i was pondering yesterday though...if even the things we perceive as ''healthy'' can become addictive. and if so...what the distinction is. for example...i bought a piano early last year...after 20 years without playing. and i've rediscovered that it is truly one of my happiest places. i sink into a place of peaceful focus that i find difficult to compare with anything else (competitive sport is perhaps the closest). it's a place of serenity. i can sit for hours if the home space allows for it. hours. completely immersed. and i justify this because it brings me joy. is that the distinction? i know it's doing wonderful things for my brain. and emotionally...i think it connects me with some well inside...because i feel a depth when i'm immersed. there is so much satisfaction. i wonder sometimes how i didn't make the purchase 20 years ago. there's a richness that's found new life. so...joy...richness...connection. do those things mean it's good for me? i'm hard-pressed to find something negative about it. it's not disruptive. it hasn't caused neglect in other aspects of life. there's another distinction. the pull isn't compulsive. it's not a need. i don't feel empty without it. hmm. and there's this. i often feel inspired and motivated to persevere...



    on a side note...i've temporarily put aside the relentless pursuit of savings and opted for some investment into a building project. girlfriend and i are building a sauna. and it feels...right. not cheap. but we do live in the land of cedar...so that part is appropriate. it's been a fun process. challenging in the right ways. and a delightful opportunity to put some of life's accumulated skills to work. i'm hoping we'll have it finished by the fall. maybe a few pictures by then.

    :)

  9. #738
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Quad-Cities, Illinois, usa
    Posts
    2,668
    Gender
    Female
    oh yes, I was addicted to ENA for a few years also....helped me during a terrible time in my life. Had been addicted to ebay for awhile...got me in debt. Now I come on here almost everyday...just to look at the journals....but it's not time consuming! Doesn't it give you a feeling of FREEDOM! My son has been addicted to gaming....practically his whole life. He's 31. He calls it his 'hobby'....so I stay out of it...other than the snarky comments, don't you ever go OUTSIDE???

    Anyway....I saw you were on....remembered you from years ago....and wanted to say HI....sounds like life is good! Sauna...and girlfriend. Can't get much better than that!

  10. #739
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    bc
    Posts
    3,026
    Gender
    Male
    Hey Reality!

    Ha... a familar 'face' so-to-speak. The journals are where it's at. People shine when they're just observing and relating...as opposed to giving advice. That's been my experience at least. The best feedback I've ever received came in the form of active listening. Some thoughts in passing that weren't ever intended as ''advice''...just some friendly and/or compassionate words of shared experience. I'm surprised people read this at all sometimes...but then part of me really appreciates the fact that someone might anonymously feel something. It's all very passive.

    Screen addiction has become so ubiquitous. I fee some sadness about that. I think that's where the greatest sense of freedom comes from...not feeling the pull. That's always been the most painful aspect of addiction for me. The compulsive nature of servitude to something that hurts...in one way or another. There's a lot of time...for whatever. Sometimes it's just time for nothing...without filling the space with the screen. I imagine it's something that will come and go in this life. I can feel the creep sometimes. Responding to something in the practical world...and then ''BAM!'' I'm diddling some other realm of the inter-ether. Symptom of modern life.

    I feel for your son. Games are awesome in so many ways. But they lose what makes them awesome when they become a primary focus of life (just my opinion)...or an obsession.

    Thanks for saying HI :)

    Originally Posted by Realitynut
    oh yes, I was addicted to ENA for a few years also....helped me during a terrible time in my life. Had been addicted to ebay for awhile...got me in debt. Now I come on here almost everyday...just to look at the journals....but it's not time consuming! Doesn't it give you a feeling of FREEDOM! My son has been addicted to gaming....practically his whole life. He's 31. He calls it his 'hobby'....so I stay out of it...other than the snarky comments, don't you ever go OUTSIDE???

    Anyway....I saw you were on....remembered you from years ago....and wanted to say HI....sounds like life is good! Sauna...and girlfriend. Can't get much better than that!

  11. #740
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Quad-Cities, Illinois, usa
    Posts
    2,668
    Gender
    Female
    I helped him with buying a house last year...and his girlfriend is living with him. And he's happy....so I can't ask for more. He was showing me stuff he was doing in the yard, so I was hoping less times with games. Now it's Dungeons and Dragons....oh well...

Page 74 of 75 FirstFirst ... 7172737475 LastLast

Videos


Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems

Friendship Between Men and Women Often Involves Attraction

Infidelity

Most Women Rather Not Date Unemployed Men
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •