Calling a females!!! I need some advice badly!!

Here it goes. I have been with my wife for over 9 years. We have 2 beautiful girls, and I am deeply in love with her.

Well last week we had an argument, and she just told me that it was she can't take it anymore. She told me the dreaded thing, that she love's me but she is not in love with me anymore. I was completely caught off guard. I asked her how long she had been feeling this way and she said since November, but never talked to me about it. I asked her what has caused the feeling to go away. She said the biggest thing is that I always criticize her, and I am not going to lie, I did. She said it made her feel like I was her father. She said over time she just lost the feeling for me because of this. She also said other things contributed to it such as always check on her. Not wanting her to go out every weekend and things to that affect.

It is so hard to be around when she won't tell me she loves me, she won't kiss me, and she no longer wants to make love. She said she doesn't feel it, and she also does want to give me any false impressions, which I can understand.

Now she said she is leaning towards divorce. I have been so stressed. I have even begged her not to leave. I realized that is the worst thing I could have done, and has since quit begging.

She has agreed to go to counseling, and if at the first counseling session she feels things can change then she is willing to try her hardest to make it work.

My question for all the females is:

If she has lost the feeling can she get that feeling back if we make the changes needed to make our marriage survive? Has anyone been through a similar experience where they did get the feelings back after changes where made. Or no matter how hard you worked the feelings just never came back.

Lastly, how do I act around her, I don't want to do things that push her away(like always trying to tell her I love her, crying or begging) What do I do?

Thanks for any help,

I really need it

Hi

OK, I'm a guy, but I can help. I went through the EXACT same thing five years ago. I won't lie, it wasn't fun, and, it didn't work out. Very long story. Three kids, I was in love and devoted to her in many ways but she gave me the same speech and then ended up falling in love with our best friend...

The first thing you NEED to do is - Nothing. You need to take a day and get your thoughts together (like you are doing by coming to this site). NOTHING you can say or write to her is going to change her mind. In fact, the more you try to make things better (right now) the more you will push her away.

This is a great site, and they don't like pitches for other websites - but you should go to divorcebusting dot com. They are an amazing resource - if you have a shot you should implement their strategies, which include "doing a 180" on every aspect of your marriage/behavior... Also marriagebulders dot com was pretty helpful

I was with my wife for exactly the amount of time you are. I can tell you that she has been feeling this for quite a while, perhaps a few years. Kids, stress, the "boredom" of marriage and getting older are all factors, so don't blame just yourself. On the other hand, you are the only person that can save this right now. She is NOT on board, she won't put any effort in. It may take a long time, years, before you get that feeling back.

Please feel free to PM me (private message) if you need specific advice. I have given this subject lots of thought over the last 6 years and while I couldn't save my marriage, maybe I can help you.

She can get it back, but I have to warn you that the ILYBINILWY speech nearly ALWAYS comes when she has met another guy. It is literally a script - ALL wayward spouses use the exact same words. For a reason. If the OM hadn't come along and shown her greener pastures, she would have still loved YOU. Now she's got someone else to love.

Put a keylogger on her computer. Get the phone records and look for one number she's been texting/emailing/calling more than others. Chances are good it's the OM.

Do that for 2 weeks. If you find nothing, we can work on your marriage. But if there IS another guy (and don't ask her til you have proof; she'll just deny and go deeper underground), you have to get him out of the picture before you can fix the marriage.

Actually, marriageadvocates dot com will be more what you're looking for. MB and DB are too focused on on method only; you need a nuanced approach.

Oh, and in the meanwhile DO stop criticizing, and look for whatever else you're doing wrong so you can stop it.

She told you exactly what was wrong. Stop critisizing her. Find out why you critisize all of the time. And, once you've figured it out, share with her what you think.

Talk to her about what kind of dates she wants, and do them (plus some surprising extras that she didn't mention).

Go to counselling. And tell her that it isn't you vs. her, it's you two working together as a team. You're not on the same team anymore and that needs to be fixed.

Remind her that you two were once madly in love. That you can get it back. She needs to be committed and on board for fixing things in order for this to work. If she thinks things will fail, they will.

Welcome to ENA,

I know you reached out to women on here but I believe your best bet is to talk to men that have had this happen to them and like you read above it has happened to a lot of us and we are here to help. First off do as pbsurf has said and visit those sites. Second stop trying anything with her as it is just making things worse. Third is that she has been considering this for some time and not just since November so she is way ahead of you on all of this.

Doing the 180 is a big step and will help you whether this works out or not. Like many of us we lost who we were as we worked hard for our families and became someone with no balance and basically no fun to be around anymore. You are admitting your controlling ways so that is a very good start. Therapy just for you is a real good idea for 2 reasons. 1. it will show her you are serious about becoming a better man, father, husband and friend. 2. It will help you learn to accept this no matter what the outcome.

Some might tell you that there must be someone else in the picture and they may be right but it doesn't matter either way as you have zero control over that and you need to accept that for what ever reason she has chosen this path and she needs to be the one that chooses to come back to the marriage. You only have control over your actions so try and remember that always.

The hope you can keep is that if you improve yourself for geniune reasons she will take notice and want to be with that man once again. If not, at least you will be so much beter than you are today. Start eating right, loose some weight, work out, staty active, spend more time with your children (you may be a single dad real soon anyways and need to learn to do this) hang out with old friends, seek out family and reconnect. Basically become who you really want to be anyways and she will notice. It may be to late but you never know.

Best wishes

Lost

Not to make this a big debate, but I agree w/lostandhurt and disagree STRONGLY with turnera and CC (sorry guys). look, I was on the receiving end of this EXACT behavior, have spent hundreds and hundreds of hours thinking about it...

1) Assuming that there is another person might be logical but it is not helpful right now. If there is, OP can do NOTHING about it just yet. Snooping (been there) is an extremely touchy and difficult activity emotionally, and honestly, takes the focus off of the ONLY solution available - which is a behavior change of the OP that will allow the spouse to decide whether or not she wants back in the marriage.

For now, again, do nothing but do NOT assume there is someone else. I got the ILYBNILWY speech a year and a half before the affair - just did nothing about it but let her find someone else to ease the guilt and pain she felt about not being in love.

2) All websites specializing in this area should help. MB DB whatever. try em all. I would also add that therapy was really not helpful for me when it came to fixing the marriage - they are usually just focused on making you feel better and therapists tend to be big fans of divorce as a solution... Counseling can work for you as a person, but don't look for a marriage fix there.

3) DO NOT remind her anything. DO NOT. She is NOT IN LOVE and nothing you can say will change that. Please trust me on this. She feels horrible about all of this I am sure. No good person wants to break their family up. Reminding her that things were this way or that way will just make her feel worse. In addition, anything you say to her could be construed as criticism, seeing that this is the primary complaint she has, just stop talking for now.

I used to pull out pictures to show my wife of the "good times" - and again, it just served to make her feel worse about feelings she had no control over.

This is a very complicated process and will be a tough fight. Remember, you are 100% responsible for this right now, she is completely checked out. You need to change yourself radically and keep your emotions in check. But it is worth it. The fact that you are here shows that you care very much for her and your family.

Please keep posting and stay strong.

Paul

one last thing - boy this subject has got me going...

If you are committed and serious about saving your marriage, under no circumstances move out or try a "trial separation". Once this happens, all the issues that need to be addressed become easier, but do not get solved. This may sound like obvious advice right now, but this may take many months or even years to sort out and separation will seem so easy and even helpful. It is not in any way.

Only move out when you are 100% sure that the marriage is over.

I actually did try to monitor her phone calls and such and it just made me more upset. Texts that normally wouldn't have bothered just ate at me. It made what I am going through right now much more difficult to cope with. So as of right now I am not checking up on her phone at all.

We are going to counseling this coming tuesday, and I think for her this will be the time to decide for her.

We have talked and she said if she comes away from the counselor with a sense of that couples go through this sort of thing all the time and the feelings can come back, then she says she will be committed to try and make our marriage work.

But if the counselor thinks it is better to divorce, then I believe that is what she will do.

She tells me that she is afraid to work on it for months and her feelings don't change. She said that isn't fair to her or me.

I just want to know if the feeling can come back, that is my biggest fear.

Cognitive Canine

I am trying to do those things, we are going out Saturday night to dinner, and going out to the local clubs. However I am supposed to act as if nothing is wrong(which is extremely hard to do when I am dying inside), Plus I can't act romantic because I don't want to think I am just pushing her to love me again. SO how do I act? How do I behave? It is hard, it is hard to put on a happy face, it is hard to just act like my normal self.

They can come back but it just doesn't happen overnight. It took time to get here (years) and it will take time to get back where she wants this marriage to be. What you do at this meeting is critical so make sure you keep your ears open and your mouth shut. Learn all you can about the things she has pointed out to you she does not like. Try and figure out WHY you do these things and most importantly WHY you thought it was okay to treat the women that means the most to you in the whole world like you have. There is something in your upbringing or past that helped you be this way.

Even if she decides against working on the marriage it isn't the end by any means. Do as pbsurf and I have told you even if she says she wants a divorce. I have seen plenty of fake counseling happen so be prepared. The spouse says they will go but they are only going through the motions to show everyone they tried. Basically she is allowing the therapist to decide if your marriage ends or not so she doesn't have to be the bad guy here and to all your friends and family.

Go to the sites suggested and read and learn from others mistakes. I have heard of marriages being brought back from the brink of signing the divorce papers so anything is possible.

Keep us posted

Lost

As for "what" to do or how to act, there really is no right answer. I will say that it is incredibly important for you to keep your emotions in check, and under no circumstances do you lose your cool/temper. I know that this is difficult - I remember breaking down regularly and then getting very upset when I knew these things did NO good.

So, one thing that you might try to do right away is exersize. Start running or going to they gym - if you already do these things, maybe change your workout, kick it up a notch. it will help you focus on something else, and also keep your body and mind healthy at a very difficult time.

And stay focused on the kids as well. If you are a devoted Dad, keep it up. Your wife will see this and it will help.

And be wary of the counseling, i have heard of very few success stories and it can backfire - basically reinforcing all the reasons that your wife has for "checking out"... Again, this is 100% in your lap.

I would recommend you two go to counseling and try to get back on track. The 7 (or 9) year itch isn't a cliche - it's the truth! i think it's naturally the time that people start to get bored of one another. try to convince her to go to counseling with you for a while and see if you can't make it work again. good luck

Why don't you try treating her the way you did when you first started dating? When she could do no wrong, it was all cute, when you listened to what she said and picked up on the little things she wanted and made an effort to do or get those little things? I can tell you that I gave that speech (after years of being belittled and feeling as if I was next to nothing because I could do nothing right according to my ex) and there was NO ONE else in the picture. Not that he believed that because it couldn't have been HIS actions that moved me to that decision (riiight).

I would have loved to have made it work, but HE had to change how he treated me and would have had to make me important in his life. he didn't. Even AFTER counseling he still complained about me, tried to control everything in the house and basically treated me as if I weren't smart enough to make it without him.

You have choices she has told you what is wrong, YOU can change it but only IF you realize that what she is saying is what she needs you to do IF you want to save your marriage. When you first started dating did you worry about the romantic side of it? If you are being real for her she will see that, she is looking for that. BUT it all needs to go on the line

...love my wife but I haven't been in love with her for a long time. Unfortunately, she decided after my last visit to see her in Australia (I live in UK) that it was over between us because she wasn't in love with me anymore.

I tried for a couple of months to get her back but she wasn't interested in going to counselling. I got counselling in the UK and was advised she should get counselling too. I was told the next time I was over there we should get counselling together. She wasn't interested.

I'm still hurting and it's 8 months later. I tried being her friend but everytime I talked on the phone I either lost my temper or burst into tears.

I agree what someone else said that you should think about what you did when you first got together. Flowers, candelight dinners, weekends away, etc.

Good luck

I think it's super hard to work on a marriage if you live separately. so i agree with the poster who said that. as well as tigris. sorry your marriage isn't working. i remember when you posted here years ago about it.

Confused Mama-

That is what I am trying to do. I am trying to go back to how things used to be. I tried asking her to go on a date, but she was real hesitant. She said she didn't want to get my hopes up and for me to think that this was changing her mind. This is when she brought up that I am not acting like myself, people could tell I was down in the dumps. She thinks that I am just doing this for now but I won't sustain it, I am just doing it to get her back. I am doing it to get her back, but I want to sustain it.

You made a good point of if I am being real, but she thinks it isn't real. How do I show her it is real?

I think it will just take time. how does she know the change is going to be for real? i guess she won't unless she sticks around and watches it. it will take effort on her part too. i think that after 9 years of marriage and 2 kids, it's normal for the romance to dwindle and you become roommates, not lovers. i think you just need to tell her that you want to change that, and not go down that path again, and that you want to get that closeness and romance back.

Please don't go all psycho stalker hubbie on her, that's just bad advice from the paranoid crowd. She TOLD you what the problem is, and all you need to do is fix that problem and reawaken a spark in her.

Firstly, understand that your moods affect her, possibly more than her moods affect you. So when you're in a bad mood and you go all "Where does the dishrag go? Does it go on the floor? Or does it go on the hook?" it might be a release for you, but overall you're stressing her out and that's not something you should do to someone you love (who's adult. Your kids, yeah...)

Secondly, understand that this might have been years coming. Like, EVERY time you complained in a demeaning way about stuff which really didn't need to be complained about, it wore her down. It's not surprising that eventually she just didn't see a spark.

Thirdly, you might have to remind her of the person you were when you guys started dating, even if that person is deep down inside you. Ask her out on a date, be a tiny bit corney and a lot respectful and first datey, and be sure to have the kids all settled before you do so that you're not making her more work.

Fourthly, when everything is calmed down, make an agreement not to discuss divorce, because it's a sucky way to solve problems.

My favorite book on this subject at the moment is Bartlein's "Why did I marry you anyway?" in particular because within the first few pages she provides a very sage warning about counseling. Many counselors are quick to side with what is popular [just get the divorce!] and not near as impartial as they should be - or as "US supportive as opposed to you or her supportive. End result, they're like mechanics.

I'd advise picking up a copy. Anything else, welll, it's up to you. I've read some good advice on the subject, I've read some that is not so good.

"Falling out of love" is part of every relationship, including marriage. What makes a strong marriage is the fact that at no time do BOTH of you fall out of love, and you are both true to your commitment. In this case, you have to win your wife back - as if you just met her all over again. You CAN do it, seeing as how you won her over once and you know most of the backwoods roads. But this is something you have to commit to doing, and even if you're not sucessful, you have to be ok with that route too.

I also enjoyed reading Smalley and Trent's "Love is a Decision." It's an easy read, and enjoyable. It's about getting back on the path with your wife. Don't hesitate to get either book.

I read a blog called Project Happily Ever After, there is also a book but I haven't got to read it yet. It is from the females perspective and is kind of meant to help the female get her marriage back on track but I think a man can get A LOT from it as well. Maybe buy the book for her, read it first to show your commitment, it is about how a woman fell back in love with her husband and saved their marriage. In the mean time treat her like you are courting her all over again, but not with lies or false promises, mean it all. But know love is a feeling that comes from action on her part as well, so she will need to work on it as well, but that has to be her choice. Hope this was any help at all, but definitely stop all criticisms and do find out what is driving you to say it on a deeper level so it can be resolved in you as well, for you as much as for her.

That is my plan. I plan on going to counseling with my wife, and then do my separate counseling by myself to work on my issues of being critical and not being there for her.

I am 100% committed to changing.

Okay I need some help. We haven't yet gone to go see the counselor that is on tuesday. We both agreed that we were gonna go out tonight. We're going to go to a nice dinner maybe a movie and then out to karaoke. I don't know how I should act or how I should take this. She made it comment to me yesterday but I'm not acting myself. So what should I do? Should I not go and wait and tell we go to the counselor? should I go and just act like myself? Should I go and try to talk about things like a relationship? Or should I go try to make it really special? Please help

I would go through with it and just be yourself, if you back out she might think you are faking it. If she trys to call you on it while you are out, tell her you really want to have a good time with her with no expectations and you would really appreciate it she tried to enjoy her self too. Make it clear you have no expectations other than enjoying her company.

You go out and be yourself. I'm thinking you really should order those two books I suggested, perhaps sooner than later, just so you have something a little more substantial to stand on. I put more weight on Bartlein's work than Smalleys, but it would be very helpful for you in a micro level. we can help with the macro level, but in the long run, the little pieces like how you respond to this are going to be up to you. Smalley's book provides some material which is very encouraging - hence why I suggest getting it.

If your wife is noticing you "not being like yourself," great. "Yourself" has become a person she's not attracted to, so hopefully this means you're taking steps int e right direction.

Remember, every counselor is different - they are not all superman. Tuesday will likely NOT be the end all, save all - YOU will be the end all, save all.

As for going out - you go out and make it a date. Date your wife like you've just met her all over again -or like she's meeting you all over again. If you want ot keep this, you will have to make some permanent changes - and if that's what you decide to do, DO IT!!