Just tired...

Thinking about dropping out of school again. Haven't been back for two full semesters yet and I'm already tired of all these f-ing people. Tired of being so lonely all the time; constantly dwelling on how and why I've never had a girlfriend.

Tired of women who won't even acknowledge my existence -- unless they want something from me. Case in point: a girl I tried to talk to months ago (asked her to lunch), but who blew me off, all of the sudden messages me on Facebook profusely apologizing for ignoring me. But at the end of the message, there's a not-so-subtle hint that all she really wants is help with a particularly difficult take-home exam we had. I just ignored her.

It would be nice if a girl simply wanted to get to know me.

I'm tired of these immature women. No, "women" is the wrong word. Little girls. That's what they are.

Have tried volunteering, but I find it difficult to talk to these people too.

I stopped taking my medication. I'm tired of the "fake happiness" it brings. When I take it, I feel like a fake human being -- something that is merely inflated with air. I don't want drugs. I don't want fake happiness. I want something real.

My family has been under a lot of stress. For years and years now, so much stress. I don't know what to do about any of it. The stress used to have various sources. Now it's just there, like a constant black cloud that never goes away.

And to top it off, I think I may have lost the few (and only) friends I had. I was never really a good friend to them anyway, but they were all I had.

After I dropped out of school in 2005, five long years of nothingness followed. Five years of being trapped in a cage of pure loneliness. I won't go back to that.

I just woke up from a dream that I was dying. I can't think of any other way to end all of the above. I'm just tired...

I promise you that your death would cause even more stress for your family.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. You say you stopped taking medication because it gave you a fake happiness, wasn't that better than this dark state you are in now?

Hey John, I'm 24 but almost 25 so I'm almost your age and also think we might have similarities in choices we made. I dropped out of high school because I lost all my friends (they all moved away) and started getting panic attacks and dizzy spells in school. I balled up, became really shy and felt like I had no strength for myself. My friends were my strength. I grew up with bullies making fun of my Irish accent so when I lost my friends (the only people who I thought could like my voice) I stopped talking to people. After dropping out only bad things seemed to happen.

I lost my favorite cat in the world, Remmy. He was like my little buddy through all the bad times. My grandma and dad both passed away and I went further and further into a world where nobody but me could enter. A world of confusion, anger, sorrow, and black and white really. Time passed and I didn't do anything for years accept feel miserable. My mom moved to another country (I live in Canada and she moved to the USA) so now I had nothing at all. I was truly alone. No friends, no family, no pets, no voice to talk with (I had been shy so long I couldn't talk barely at all). I didn't know what to do with myself other then either get really angry and bitter or cry endlessly.

...starting last year (a bit before even) I finally snapped out of it and told myself I'd take everything negative that happened and turn it into something positive...or a learning experience. I started eating better...working on my drawings, since I love drawing, listening to music that wasn't so depressing...playing video games that I enjoyed (since I never ever enjoyed myself...I was too depressed to even play games or watch movies usually). I FORCED myself to watch movies believe it or not....and slowly...over the months I found myself again. I started to feel inspiration, joy, and all those wonderful things you feel when you have friends. Except I was feeling them with just me and I was okay with that. I was okay with me and the things I enjoyed doing.

I'm 25 now, and just started high school last month (I need 4 credits to get my diploma) and each credit is about 4-5 Units. I just finished my first Unit today and although it takes along time to complete...(about 1 month per unit if I work hard) I won't give up. I know that even in the most hopelessly bleak situations and feelings of despair there is hope. I got a new cat eventually, named Tanuki, and although he isn't like Remmy he is special in his own way. Just one example of something I think is really awesome. You just never know what the tide will bring.

I hope you don't give up either. I really feel for you. I know what it feels like to just want to shrivel up into nothing, but just know it's okay and things will be okay. You are a lot stronger then you think. You have abilities to do great things and live a great fufilling life. I started up drawing again (made nearly 2000 pictures) and this is the first time I have in 4 years since becoming really depressed.

Even something as simple as finding a small passion or hobby can help. Keep it up with high school. Don't give up. I won't quit because I know if I do I might as well relive the last 5 most depressing of my life. It's time to leave all that behind. I don't know what a diploma will do for me in terms of money and jobs but I'm not worrying about that now. If anything by the end of it I can finally say "I HAVE MY DIPLOMA!" And just feel good about it. I want to conquer it and then move onto what ever waits next.

John,

I lost a friend on Monday because he decided to end his life. We are all grieving right now and are going through a hard time. We had no idea he felt like that. I'm sorry you feel that way and I know that these words won't help much but please just think about all the people you'll be hurting. Most importantly think about your family. You say they're stressed imagine what this will do to them?

I went through a really hard time myself and trust me many times i thought of how I could end my life but I hung in there. As a reliigious person, I prayed to God every night for strength, I talked to friends, was even thinking about going to therapy. If you feel that the meds are giving you temporary happiness seek other avenues. Find a therapist, get to the bottom of whats really causing you to feel this way. Also, think about all the people in the world who don't have half of what you have. The children in war countries that have no control over their lives and yet they still manage to get up everyday and continue living. Be greatful that your not in that situation and that you have choice to make your life better.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Thanks for the responses.

You know, from a very young age I always had a feeling that I would end up this way -- weak and unable to even take care of myself. It was my greatest fear growing up. Now here it is.

I thought that if I just listened to my parents and focused on my schoolwork, everything would work out. But in the process, I missed out on things that other people take for granted -- things that make you strong. So I ended up creating the very thing I was trying to avoid.

I'm just too damaged now.

You are not too damaged. you have the choice to change, little by little.

Think of it this way, you listened to your parents, and things didn't "work out" (yet), well, now you can just listen to yourself. You are not weak or unable to take care of yourself. These are just images that you have created and bought into.

Like many people here, I have had very dark days in my life, days and weeks where I just didn't see the point of existence.

Very recently I went through a deep depression, slept in, drank, wondered what it would take to end it all... Today, for whatever reason, I feel much better. You know the difference between the world then compared to now? Nothing. Just my mood.

Like I said, you have choices, and you CAN change. But I would recommend that you change VERY slowly, one thing at a time. Success, even little successes, breeds more success. Pick one or two areas in your life (mine were paying bills and getting to the gym) and just focus on those. it sounds trite, but it is SO true.

Also, if you like to read - look up Alber Ellis, esp his writing on self esteem. It is very powerful I think. He makes the case that depression arises out of the push for "self esteem" which we will NEVER live up to. Instead, he says that we should strive for "self acceptance" unconditionally.

We should "accept" who we are, try and improve, but always accept ourselves as good and complete and unique human beings.

Please PM me if you'd like. I'm not going to hold your hand and tell you its going to be ok. I have no idea. But, I do know that you have much more power and control over your future than you can possibly imagine.

Paul

Well, I started taking my medicine again. Feeling a bit better.

I guess fake happiness is the most I can hope for in this life.

From reading the original post, loneliness is the primary problem? What I try to do, and it's certainly not some easy, fail-proof method, is think of some of the negative aspects of relationships that we hear about. See, we're so focused on having someone in our lives and we think of the good stuff we might be missing out on. But think about some of the arguments and deceptions and just flat out nastiness that people talk about with their relationships. With romantic relationships there are positives and negatives.

For example: We might think about how nice it would be to not sleep alone every night. So think about it from the other perspective, think about always having to put up with the sound of someone else's breathing (yes, women snore too) next to you, hogging the covers, having a temper tantrum and giving you the silent treatment, restless leg syndrome, etc., etc. Think about being kicked out of your own bed and having to sleep on your couch for reasons you can't even figure out no matter how many times you replay the events in your head.

Think about someone dropping out of college and quitting their job once you let them move in and they become completely dependent on you (not saying this is normal, just an extreme example for his coping purposes). Now you're scraping pennies together to pay for two people instead of one and getting stressed out. Think about always questioning in the back of your mind if this person truly cares about you or is viewing you as a meal ticket.

Think about some personal goals you'd like to reach and how another person being around might interfere or talk you out of or consider it a waste of money. For instance, I get lonely and then I think about having a place to myself with total privacy and setting up a crazy expensive home office network and taking sailing lessons. I'm not even close to being able to afford any of that but it's fun to dream.

I'm not saying train your brain to look at relationships with contempt or anything like that. Just help yourself out by putting your mind on something else when you feel your soul being crushed. Sometimes I'll hear some woman complaining about her boyfriend or husband with her pals and I'll think, "I guess I should be happy there isn't someone out there talking about me like that" instead of thinking, "Aw man, I wish I had a girlfriend."

Fake happiness? What is happiness? Look around, it's your call - your life. I never had any close friends since young. I even had and anti club against me in school. How did I feel? Like jumping perhaps.

I've taken those medication before - no they're a lie. It didn't help me. I started thinking and reflecting on the life I have. It's what I want. The more I think it negatively - the more negative it'll get. Self fulfilling prophecy. Due to some body condition, I had a to take a certain medication. The side effects? "This medication causes depression." Did I have any depression? Not a bit.

It's all in the mind my dear. There's still a reason for your existence. I mean, I was this close to death - once.

John, are you seeking counseling at this point in time? I know that many colleges offer free and/or cheap counseling for students there. It's something you might want to consider. Medication is useful, but as you said... it isn't quite the same as being self-sufficiently happy. What it can do, though, is get you out of that dark place enough that talking to a counselor can be more effective than it would have been otherwise. Counseling has varying levels of effectiveness for people, but it's something to try out for sure.

From the posts of yours that I've read, you sound like an intelligent, kind person. Don't give up. You have plenty to offer the world/friends/women. Work on getting through your depression... please don't let it win. Feel better!