Please talk me through this, I don't know what to think.

I don't know if I need some sense knocked into me or what... (it is that time of the month... so I'm overly sensitive...)

but today I have been actually contemplating getting back together with my ex, or at the very least - seeing him.

I don't know what to do, I am so lost. I was fine before he started contacting me, wanting me back saying how he would change, how he realized what went wrong and he wanted to be with me and make things better, how he would stop drinking, etc.

When I think of him, I know he has a lot of qualities that I want in someone I am going to spend my life with - he always makes me laugh, he likes kids, he is tons of fun and he is spontaneous. I feel like he brings out a better side of me, he makes me more outgoing and relaxed. He is romantic and sweet and he would take good care of me if I was ever sick or needed help with anything.

On the down side, he has had trouble expressing how he is feeling and adressing issues in our relationship. He usually avoids any kind of conflict involving my feelings if something is bothering me.. but he has really opened up to me lately about everything. I just don't know if that will last :S

He also drinks (drank??) more than I was happy with and it has seriously affected his life. he is still waiting on charges from a drinking and driving incident back in September... and I have quite a few bad memories of how he treated me when he was drunk in the past and it scares me because my dad was an alcoholic. But he wants to stop drinking, and I don't know if I can believe that or not.

He has been putting in lots of effort to see me and stuff, but I keep saying no. I feel like he is a different guy after the 4 months we've been apart... but he is still not happy with his life and I feel like that would take a major toll on our relationship if we were together again. When he got into the drinking and driving accident he became depressed and pushed me away 100% and that is why we broke up pretty much. he didn't want to be around anyone. He told me to move on.

And now he is back telling me he is surprised I was with someone else and that he still wants me, etc. etc. He said there was no chance for us and here he is. He is very indecisive about everything in his life. He is 25 and has wasted the last 4 or 5 years of his life partying and wasting money. Now he wants to settle down and make his life better.

But I am scared, so scared to get hurt again. But he was my first love and I can't tell if I want to be with him or not. I want it to be when he is better on his own. I just don't know what to do at this point. I am so hesitant to get back together with him, but at the same time I know that when he finds a girl she is going to be lucky because once he has his stuff together I know he would treat her right.

I think you need to give him time on his own to figure out his problems and his life. Only then should you go back to him.

It's one thing for an alcoholic to say they will stop drinking, it's another thing to actually be able to do it. He may very well want you back and he could be telling the truth but you won't know until you see for yourself. The best thing he could do is start working on himself, get into AA and if he is sincere about wanting a relationship with you again, he should be showing you that he is making the right efforts, not just telling you.

WOW. Your situation is almost to a tee with mine except I am the guy who had communication, trust issues in our relationship. She left me because of that and my abuse of pain killers. Anyways the last few days I vowed to get help and the last 3 nights we spoke on the phone for an hour at least. I make her laugh, and I know she still loves me. Hell, we were engaged. My best advice for you is to make sure he is doing his best to fix his problems. I'd give him a chance, hell maybe the relationship might be stronger if you two can get through it all.

I would tell him that you two should talk after he's been sober for a year. If he wants to check in with you by phone once a month to let you know how he's doing that's fine but that should be the extent of it . Four months is too short a time, IMO, especially since he put other lives at risk when he chose to drive drunk. That to me trumps the "I love kids" -he can't love anyone -especially not kids who need a responsible adult - until he figures out through AA and therapy perhaps what his deal is. And you can't be his therapist, for several reasons.

He seems to think that it's enough that he's realized his issues. He thinks that should be enough for me to want to be with him again. I told him I didn't want to be with him until he was happy and content with his own life and knew what it is that he wants, etc. He said that would take a long time and he knows I won't be on the market for long since I'm a 'diamond' and he's not going to wait for himself to get better to be with me and then find out I'm with some other guy. He told me he's moving on, but that he doesn't want to ideally.

I don't know what to do. I just wish he was actually doing something to take care of his issues, like even if he went to counselling that would show me a lot.. that he's at least trying to do something to fix his life and not just 'realize' what's wrong with it.

You are right -aknowledgement is important but only one step towards recovery. What he thinks is irrelevant. If I eventually wanted marriage and family no way would I get involved with a guy who had behaved and is behaving in the way you describe.

You are right -aknowledgement is important but only one step towards recovery. What he thinks is irrelevant. If I eventually wanted marriage and family no way would I get involved with a guy who had behaved and is behaving in the way you describe.

Yes, like I said I am very hesitant. I am just finding it hard because I do love him, but yeah.. he needs to sort his life out.

I sent him a facebook message basically telling him there were some questions I wanted to ask him..

"Hey, I just had some stuff I wanted to ask you...

...would you ever consider going to counselling? I mean, I know you've realized all this stuff you want to change, but you can't change yourself on your own. I would know, I've gone to counselling and it's made me a lot better. But I know you don't like to talk about your feelings so I wasn't sure if you would want to go? That would show me at least you are doing something to fix things, I guess.

...what do you want? like... I'm going to school here for the next 2 years and I have no idea how you feel about where we live anymore. Would it be somewhere you'd actually want to live??

...how serious are you about not drinking? because I can tell you right now that I am going to be on edge if I'm ever around you and you have drank enough to be drunk. It's going to make me really anxious and I could see us fighting about it. And say you go home for a week, I'd probably be worrying the whole time that something bad will happen.

...the fact that I have dated other guys besides you, is that going to bother you? I already know it does, and I know you have jealousy issues, so I am just guessing that it would cause some problems between us because you probably won't believe me if I tell you I don't talk to those guys anymore. I don't like to say that, but you have accused me a few times of cheating on you and I would never ever do that. If we got back together I wouldn't talk to those guys anymore. If we got back together it would be because I want you and not them and you can't let your jealousy get in the way of that. I would not put up with being accused of cheating on you.

...are you going to feel like an intruder around my family? cause family is so important to me. if I'm going to be with someone, I need that person to WANT to come to stuff with me (like family stuff, Christmases with my cousins, etc.) I know that's not really your thing and that's fine - I don't blame you, but it's important to me and so if you're not willing to do that kind of stuff then I don't think it will work. I'm not giving you an ultimatum, I'm just saying that this is something I want and if we want different things, that's okay...

I'm not saying I am getting back together with you now or any time soon, I just feel like I need to know the answers to these questions before I can ever consider being with you at any point in time. When we were together before I was like 17.. I wasn't really thinking about the future. But now I am."

I feel like I need to know the answers to these questions before I could ever CONSIDER being with him again. But even when he does answer them, I don't think that will be enough. I am hoping some of the stuff I asked him will help him realize that things would not be perfect if we got back together, that issues would creep up on us because he has not worked out his own issues with drinking, communicating and jealousy.

people who have any kind of addiction to or dependency on alcohol don't just get over it in a matter of months especially without professional help and although he has made the first step of admitting that he does have a problem, many alcoholics do this to gain favour with people or use it as a bargaining tool to get exes back. They are not necessarily on track to healing. I know many people with alcohol problems (including family members and ex bfs)and it is an ongoing problem that may take years to work through with a lot of relapses along the way.

My ex also had/has intimacy issues, problems with self-esteem and anxiety (he'd also try to get out of family events and not just my family) he hides behind alcohol as it makes him feel better and admits he does have a problem with alcohol because it causes him health problems and contributes to his anxiety but he still drinks. He even got professional advice, they advised him to give it up for 3 mths to see if it was what was causing his problems, he lasted 4 wks, said it wasn't working for him and back to square one he goes.

I really don't think you should take him back right now. He is scared that you will find someone else which is why he is so adamant to get you back. He knows you love him and he may never find someone else willing to put up with his behaviour. He really needs to heal first before even considering getting into a relationship. It would be unbalanced as he will always feel inferior because of his mistakes in the past and his issues in the present and this will lead to arguments and maybe even more breakups in the future.

Hope this helps you a little bit. I'm not an expert but do have some experience on the subject xx

I'm surprised you would do this in writing and not in a phone conversation so you can see what his immediate response is and his tone and manner. Your approach also seems far too overwhelming. I'd call him soon and talk.

I'm surprised you would do this in writing and not in a phone conversation so you can see what his immediate response is and his tone and manner. Your approach also seems far too overwhelming. I'd call him soon and talk.

He doesn't have a phone, haha. If you saw earlier messages, you'd see I suggested that. But I had a lot on my mind and he answered well and we are all good now. He agreed we shouldn't get back together and I feel better about things.