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Thread: We sleep together and like each other - but nothing has been said?? very unclear

  1. #1
    katrinahopkins

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    We sleep together and like each other - but nothing has been said?? very unclear

    When we met through mutual friends we actually talked that first night about how anti - relationship we were feeling due to recent splits in our lives. he had been left by a woman he was with for 3 years, and i had left someone i had been with for 5 years. we both were completely the same in that we both thought we were not ready or looking for love again - quite the opposite. After that night, we saw each other really often as friends because mutual friends of ours had started seeing each other. me and this guy became good friends. For me i wasn't attracted to him at first even though he is attractive, just because i wasn't interested in dating plus the fact of us both still being caught up still in remaining feelings for our exes. Also I do not think he looked at me that way at first either for the same reason. then about two months ago seemed to mutually change, we started to fancy each other. it started with the fact that we shared a bottle of wine at his house one night and were alone with sweet music just the two of us. there was some chemistry in the air that night for the first time.... we didn't act on it. the next time we met was also for a drink at his house just the two of us, and we did end up kissing (he said he had been trying to get the courage to kiss me all evening) and we had (great) sex. I don't care that we were not dating i am not like that.. if there is trust and respect there and safe sex and both adults are single then why not.. so i didn't have a problem with it. we then started talking every day and about once a week would see each other, have great sex, hang out, have fun... this was OK for about a month, its just the last two weeks this has been bothering me ..... we haven't discussed anything at all. there is no honesty about how we feel, if we are seeing other people, nothing.... (we are both quite shy don't know if that is important)

    I do really like him and at the same time I know we shouldn't get into a heavy relationship with each other. Neither of us wanted to be tied down at this point. the thing is, it's started to bother me that he never asks if i am dating or sleeping with another man too or other men (is he literally that unbothered??? or does he think about it and not ask??? or does he assume i dont??? )
    it's started to bother me that we haven't discussed where its going in that are we eventually looking to meet other people etc.... and mainly and very annoyingly i am starting to wonder and feel a bit jealous at the thought that he is probably seeing other women too.

    For some reason right now i have this great urge to email him and confront a few of these things. i feel like telling him he is the only man i am sleeping with. that i like him a lot. that i get jealous at the thought of him with other women. that i think that despite all that i am not ready for a relationship and from what he told me and what i can see neither is he.

    this seems pointless, what am i hoping to achieve by telling him this? i just feel like being honest. is it really screwed up to not be ready for a relationship and at the same time feel bad that he sleeps with other women? (i think he has one other FWB from before me that didn't quite die out when we started but that he stopped seeing so much) i just feel like letting some of these things out.

    i also feel like telling him i dont sleep with other men. why? because maybe he will feel good about that? i dont know i just feel like being open with him about things - it feels a bit unnatural that we have never discussed our feelings and thoughts on the matter.....

    the first to the third time we had sex i didn't feel this way. its now that its obvious that it is going to be the case for a while (friendship and sex) that i feel like sharing my feelings.

    would this email push him away and stress him out? i guess the part about being jealous if he sees other women could be pressure for him because i have a feeling he does. at the same time, i think he is into me in that we share a lot and i think he has feelings for me beyond sexual. maybe he feels a bit uncomfortable that we never talk about anything to do with what we are doing either?

    probably being a man that was recently in a committed relationship that didn't work out, he is more than happy that he has a couple of women who are sexual with him with no strings. but i feel like being honest. at the same time i do not want us to become gf and bf. i guess i want an exclusive casual thing.

    there is also a small chance i am the only woman he sleeps with (or am i being naive there) i am not sure he sleeps with someone else, its a guess because when we met he had something with a woman - he said it was great because it was casual and that is what he needed.

    am confused. should i put some of these thoughts out there to him.... or pointless.

  2. #2
    ny guy
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    Wow. This is a crazy situation. It seems you both were well aware of the risks of this arrangement.


    If you see each other often, why not bring it up in person? Also, since you both were equally at fault for starting such a hot and heavy relationship, I think you have to approach this in as positive a manner as you can. It sounds like you have a lot of pent up stress. I don't think you have any grounds to get angry with him, and I think talking things out calmly will be your best bet to move some shred of a real relationship forward OR talk about things honestly.

  3. #3
    katrinahopkins

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    I also nearly sent him a message earlier that said that i wanted him to know he was the only guy i slept with. this came about because we were talking about the fact that being open about sex was important (by messages) and i thought my last message about that subject had made me sound a bit too bad girl. (by mistake).

    but then it is probably the opposite right? if he has other women he sees (v.v.likely) then it is the last thing i should say???
    just hoping someone out there reading this can understand. maybe you'll just say stop the FWB thing etc etc just hoping for someone to understand what i have said and have some specific advice on if i do write to him what i should definitely say and what i should steer well clear of saying...

  4. #4
    katrinahopkins

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    Thanks for your response ny guy. actually we don't see each other often... about once a week, sometimes less. but we stay in touch by text message and facebook everyday and often chat through messages back and forth during the evening...

    no its true i have absolutely no right at all to get angry with him? i didn't know it came accross that i was possibly angry with him? see that is exactly why i should have seeked advice and not sent him something yet! truth is he is a decent loving guy who is wanting freedom from relationships for a while. i definitely do not want to send him a stressful email or a pressure one. i just have this urge to put it out there to him that i like only him, and the second thing is that either i want to be honest that i am curious and frightened of the fact of who else he is seeing, or that maybe he should tell me honestly about his love life and feelings for me so at least i know. i mean i guess i just wish i knew what his sexual situation was - if i am just another girl, nothing serious and that he loves and sleeps with whoever all the time, or if it is just me and one other woman who is special to him, or if it is just me....

  5. #5
    katrinahopkins

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    sorry to post multiple times without response in between just thought of additional info: i met a guy on a train around the same time i met this guy. he never called but last night i had a missed call from him. (the guy on train) and it baffles me what to do with that. do i call back and let this other guy ask me out, go out with this other guy?) i wouldn't sleep with guy 2, because i would never sleep with more than one man at a time... but how on earth would the first guy feel about this? i mean he texts me many times every day, he says he thinks about me, i know there are some feelings there, i just dont know if despite his interested feelings all he wants is no strings with me and free to see other women, or if in fact he likes me more than i think... if i did have a date with guy 2 would i tell tell him? would he want to know? would he not want me to, or would he be fine with it??? see so many things we haven't talked about!!!! i have an intuition that he realizes also that there is too much we haven't said.

  6. #6
    Yaz

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    I would say leave the situation. Tell him: you're developing feelings so you think it's best it ends now before anyone gets hurt. He'll either agree or fight for you to be in his life. Either way, you've retained your dignity.

  7. #7
    katrinahopkins

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    yaz the problem with that is that he would be hurt (i know that) especially because we have also become close as well as sleeping with each other... and probably would fight to keep me in his life BUT that wouldn't tell me if there was other women, wouldn't tell me if he cares if i see other men... he would be able to tell me he wants us not to stop without addressing still what the honest situation is about our love lives (especially his lol)

    wish i knew without asking exactly what this is for him. i do not know his friends well enough to ask subtly to one or hear info on him...

    regarding dignity, i don't feel used because he has a lot of respect for me and is very thoughtful and almost loving, very supportive, its just that there is this big unspoken thing in the room .. what hasn't been said. i also think we like each other more than we thought we would and we both have difficulty just being straight forward,,,,,

    because there is this really difficult part in it that is very true - neither of us are ready for another big commitment, yet. so its not a typical situation of 'i want to be with my FWB' its a bit more complicated than that???

    if he has never asked me if there are other men, does it mean he doesn't care about that? do you think he has thought about it? or is it obvious there isn't because we are in daily and nightly contact or because women dont tend to do that ?

  8. #8
    Yaz

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    You're making it more complicated than it is. If you hurt him, it is unintentional/inadvertent and therefore nothing to feel guilty about.

    This is the bottom line: he either 1. likes you, respects you and wants to be with you. OR 2. He does not respect or like you enough to be with you. If he says "I'm not ready," That's just BS. He's ready for you to act like his partner, but not to BE his partner?

    This is about you and your needs - why should you accept him pushing you into limbo just to satisfy him? It's your life. You have other options.

    I had a similar situation. The guy told me he liked, respected and appreciated me. He wanted to be FWB, and then just friends when the FWB thing came to it's natural end. After a couple of months, I told him I was developing feelings, and he rationalized it all saying "It's ok, we're friends, we're happy, I like what we have now." That continued for a few weeks, and I got clever. I told him it had come to it's natural end, and he denied it. I proposed a relationship in place of FWB, and he rejected. I ended it all, said let's be friends, and he never called me again. I called him once and he said he was busy, and didn't return the call. Ultimately, he lied to me and I believed him (even though I thought I was being cautious). He told me he respected me and considered me a friend - but he told me that so I'd get into bed. If he valued me and my friendship, he wouldn't have risked it for a few months of sex, and he wouldn't have stopped talking to me afterwards. He was mean.

  9. #9
    RedDress
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    I will never understand how two people can sleep together but not talk to each other.

    This one's easy. Next time you see him, when in the afterglow of sex, say "Hey... question... are you sleeping with other people?". He will either quickly say "no" or start doing the evading dance. Then you have your answer.

    I really don't think you have to go into the whole "I'm not sleeping with other people... I only want to sleep with you... I don't want a relationship, blah, blah". You will have your entire answer in that 10 seconds after your question.

    Now question for YOU - what will you do if he starts doing the evading dance??

  10. #10
    katrinahopkins

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    i want to say to him that I am only with him. and that maybe he doesn't care but that i wanted him to know. and that his situation is another story and i am not sure i want to go there and not sure i want to know the answer.

    is this a stupid email? why do i feel the need to write this? part of me thinks that i might as well just ask 'who are you seeing can you tell me exactly' lol because i guess its what is bothering me in the end even though i am saying the opposite in my draft letters to him. i am trying to let him know that i care if he is seeing other women, but by saying i dont want to know am shooting myself in the foot

    can anyone relate? can you give me some insight into what should be said to him and what i should do? feel lost here

  11.  

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