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girlfriend doing things behind my back and lying about it


Michael11

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Something has been bothering me, although it might not be as bad as the topic might suggest. I am just trying to understand how seriously I should take it and whether I should confront her about it (again).

 

I am 27 and she is 25. We have been together for more than 2 years and living together for more than 1.

She seems to have a habit to lie about small things, but keep lying even once it has become obvious already. Last time she lied to me about buying some clothes (because she thought/knew that I wouldnt be so happy about it because of money situation), and told me that she bought it that day although I knew she bought it the day before. Even though I knew I didnt make a big deal out of it but then she started saying how she already brought them home that day, which was impossible because of time. I kinda laughed and said how impossible it was and she got upset accusing me of not trusting her. I said "well..." (still smiling), and told her it was impossible but that she didnt have to lie, that i wasnt upset but that i just wanted her to be honest. But she insisted she wasnt lying so i just said "ok". And then in the evening she sat down next to me, hugging me and saying how she wants me to trust her etc. This really hurt me because i knew she was lying... So I told her. And only after telling her three times to stop lying she finally accepted it. I wasnt even angry at her just quite upset that she could lie so easily to my face.

 

But then the current situation: after this incident I calmly told her that I was quite upset about it because I would us to be honest to each other. THat doesnt mean that you cant have little white lies but when confronted you should not make it worse and tell the truth.

Recently it turns out that one of her teachers/professors (she studies in the evenings) had a bit of a crush on her and had been asking her out to go somewhere together. One night she sent him a drunk message saying that she is together with me, "practically married" and that she was afraid to be honest with him (I guess because hes her teacher), but that if he still wanted to meet after knowing all this, they could, because she considers him a friend and an interesting guy. I didnt like this situation at all (that she had to tell him when she was drunk in the middle of the night), but she said that had been just scared to tell him 'no' because hes a nice guy and a good teacher. But I read a message of her to him afterwards (yes, i know, stupid of me) saying that she didnt want to go on trip with him, but that if he still wanted to meet that they could meet one evening "after Tuesday". After tuesday was because i would go on a business trip for a few days.

 

I didnt tell her anything about this but started the topic of this teacher again just mentioning that i didnt really like this situation, and that she should be careful because hes an older guy (not very gold but mid 30s i think) and that it could be annoying for her if he would really try to court her (it had happened before with an older colleague).

But now I am pretty sure they met the day before i came back. Not 100%, but 90%. And she didnt tell me about it, even though we spoke about what we did during that day/evening. I am also sure shes not cheating on me, and the reason why she is not telling me about this is because she is afraid i will be angry and sad, and she wants to avoid conflict because she probably really just met him to have a nice chat. But I feel very unsettled and nervous because i feel she is doing things behind my back and I constantly feel the urge to confront her about this. But at the same time I feel that if I confront her it could make things worse, and that she could feel I am spying on her or something.

 

Is there anyway I can approach this topic to confront her with it or should I just leave it alone? I do feel its a bit emotional cheating but I dont want to blow it out of proportions either.. How can I make this feel more acceptable for me without starting a huge fight?

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Because she wrote him something like "that was fun, interesting and strange" and they exchanged calls that day. I actually found this out by coincidence, not because i was checking her messages this time. Either way, the topic is not about how morally wrong it is to read people's messages, I know this already.

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I do know they met up for sure now, I found out through her niece. THe question is DO i confront her with it, or do i just let it rest?

 

depends, do you want to be a doormat or not?

do you want to let her know how much it's upset you?

Do you want her to promise it'll not happen again?

 

....and would you trust her, whatever it is she says.

 

Your call.

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It has nothing to do with being a doormat mate. It has to do with dealing with conflict. She is very loving to me, and her niece also told me that she probably met the guy to tell him that its just friendship and all that, to personally tell him that there is no future.

But I just feel its not fair to me that she didnt just tell me shes meeting him. I would have understood and let her...

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She may be loving to you but she is also a liar. She doesn't have to meet up with any male to tell him that she is in a relationship and there can be no future, that is ridiculous.\

 

So can tell her niece but not you?

 

You absolutely confront her and you tell her under no circumstances is it okay to go trotting off with another man. So if it was 'fun' then she probably didn't really get to the part where she is in a relationship and there is no future.

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She may be loving to you but she is also a liar. She doesn't have to meet up with any male to tell him that she is in a relationship and there can be no future, that is ridiculous.\

 

So can tell her niece but not you?

 

You absolutely confront her and you tell her under no circumstances is it okay to go trotting off with another man. So if it was 'fun' then she probably didn't really get to the part where she is in a relationship and there is no future.

 

I agree with Metrogirl. Also, if someone can lie about little things like in your first example...and continue to lie even though she knows you know the truth....then it is likely she is lying about bigger things and you probably don't even yet know the half of what she has been lying about. Pathological liars lie about anything and everything..big and small. There is no conscience and no integrity....they lie to feel like they have pulled the wool over someone's eyes, they lie to get out of things, they lie to cover things up, they lie just because they can. If you want to remain in a relationship with her (which I suggest you don"t) then you will have to accept that you will never really be able to trust that what she says is the truth..and that there could be a whole pack of lies going on which you are not yet fully aware of.

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she should have told you. its essential to keep things transparent in a relationship especially dealings with guys who are romantically interested in her. some people naturally lie to cover to avoid upsetting their SO but its not mature and it causes doubt and insecurity. i would be straight up with her and let her know if this happens again , you cannot be in a relationship with her.

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It's not just the fact that she lied although that is important. It's also about the fact that she saw this guy knowing how he felt about her and how you felt about this situation. It is possible she only wants friendship from this guy but he is being inappropriate and so is she. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

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No woman who is in a (monogamous) relationship needs to meet up with a man who has a crush on her. She isn't looking for his friendship, nor is she meeting up to tell him there is no future. She met up with him because she is intrigued by him and flattered by his attentions.

 

I agree with Elaine.

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  • 9 years later...

Ok, ok I know this post is like 9 years old but op must have been / still is, blindly in love with this girl so much so he doesn’t see the giant red flags that he literally wrote.

 

RF#1 “but she said that had been just scared to tell him 'no' because hes a nice guy and a good teacher. But I read a message of her to him afterwards (yes, i know, stupid of me) saying that she didnt want to go on trip with him, but that if he still wanted to meet that they could meet one evening "after Tuesday". After tuesday was BECAUSE I WOULD GO ON A BUSINESS TRIP FOR A FEW DAYS.”

 

( I think this one explains itself, she specifically made plans with him when you would be out of town also something to add, if this dude is her teacher why are they meeting for the first time? Either she’s talking about the teachers “meet” or it isn’t her teacher and she’s just saying that to make op less suspicious, either way she got “meet”)

 

RF#2 (she’s hiding the “meeting” from op, there’s no reason for her to hide it if she didn’t do anything wrong.)

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Damn well hopefully he figured it out the easy way rather then the hard way, I like how I found this website cause I think my gf is sneakin around during this corona break lol but I end up just replying to something that the op won’t even probably see.

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