Caught off guard

This is regarding Girl #5 in this thread:

After class yesterday she comes up to me and says, "Sorry, I only just got your message today. Was there something you wanted?"

I was caught off guard and my social anxiety kicked in. I was a bit awkward but managed to get out some words. Something like: Yeah, I just wanted to say hi, since I remember we were in the group together. Or something like that.

Then she shook my hand and said, "Well, nice to meet you," and smiled. Then she left.

I wanted to kick myself for being so awkward and unprepared for her approaching me.

Later that evening I went on our class discussion board and sent her an email, which basically said: Sorry if I seemed a bit awkward when you approached me today after class. I get nervous. Anyway, here's my number if you ever want to get lunch or study sometime: xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Sigh. I don't know. What do you guys think?

Yeah, I know I suck. Oh well.

No way I could "take her out" anyway, since I don't have a car.

Why do I even bother with this crap?

Either way, the follow up was just BAD. Don't act all wimpy and weak and draw even more attention to your first screw up! There's no way she's going to respond to such a weak come back.

You know, I've been thinking about this, and I have decided that I am glad I wrote that email exactly the way I did. In a way, by being completely honest with her about my nervousness, I was testing her.

If she responded in an understanding, compassionate way -- Oh, don't worry about it, it's okay -- then I would know she is a nonjudgmental human being with a soul.

If, however, she views me as "wimpy and weak," then I know she's not worth my time anyway.

I feel a lot better about this. Thanks, porring.

I wouldn't give her a phone number.I think the best approach would have been to suggest maybe we could get a coffee sometime.It shows interest but it leaves things open ended.Actually the message on facebook it is kind of irrelevant what you say because you then have to be ready for the inevitable face to face encounter.OP I wouldn't randomly start adding women on facebook unless you are prepared for a face to face encounter.

OP I wouldn't randomly start adding women on facebook unless you are prepared for a face to face encounter.

I didn't. This is regarding Girl #5 in that thread; I have a class with her.

Yeah, I know I suck. Oh well.

 

No way I could "take her out" anyway, since I don't have a car.

 

Why do I even bother with this crap?

You don't need car to take her out. Just ask her to meet you there.

Yeah, I know I suck. Oh well.

 

No way I could "take her out" anyway, since I don't have a car.

 

Why do I even bother with this crap?

Because you want a girlfriend. Just like all of us. There are men who can have anybody who they want. We are the opposite.

I'm not sure we can change anything. Maybe some can ? I would like to hear from anybody in their 40's like me who suddenly find success with women. I suppose going from getting laughed at to 'a lovely, genuine guy' is some progress.

I'd have said something like this in the email.. "You caught me a bit off guard the other day and I had a few things on my mind. What I meant to say was 'I'd like to buy take you out to dinner next week, how about Friday? Here's my number you can reach me after 7 pm most evenings.

this part sounds good

If I don't pick up it's because I'm doing something important but I will get right back to you, because you are so worth it".

 

here you sound way to full of yourself and cheesey

I don't know. I'm still not convinced I screwed up this one. Unless she's just a terrible person, how could she view me negatively simply because I was a bit awkward and admitted that?

If I don't pick up it's because I'm doing something important but I will get right back to you, because you are so worth it".

I agree with NMF. As a female, that line makes me gag. Way too cheesy.

I think John's email started off ok, although wouldn't have put the 'I get nervous' bit although I know how you feel as I have a tendency to tell the truth all the time, no matter whether it's positive or negative. Although, I would have put something like 'It was a surprise that you came to speak to me, I wasn't expecting it' or what porring said about having something on my mind. The rest is ok though. You've opened the door for her, so to speak, so if she does want to call you to arrange something she can. I'd have put 'Or feel free to email me' as I don't want to force people to call when they can email if they prefer. I agree though that you were honest and if she's not interested then it's her loss. It's better to not pretend you're someone else, and just be yourself.

...I know how you feel as I have a tendency to tell the truth all the time, no matter whether it's positive or negative. [...] I agree though that you were honest and if she's not interested then it's her loss. It's better to not pretend you're someone else, and just be yourself.

Honestly, it never occurred to me to do otherwise. I always tell the truth and try to be as honest as I can. That's why, as I said before, I'm starting to think of it more as a test. If porring is right, and she sees me as "wimpy and weak" simply for being honest about my nervousness, then she's not the kind of girl I would want to be with anyway.

I want someone kind and compassionate. Judging me for openly admitting my nervousness is not kind and compassionate.

Well, I briefly chatted with her again today, but online; and she said regarding my nervousness, "It's fine." We had a nice conversation. I reiterated my offer to get lunch or study together sometime, we talked about our respective majors, and then I had to go.

We saw each other in class and I said hi. She said hi back, but she seemed a lot more reserved. This means one of two things:

(1) She has sensed that I am interested in her, perhaps feels somewhat the same way, and now she's nervous.

or,

(2) She has sensed that I am interested, but she doesn't feel the same way, and now feels awkward; perhaps thinking of how to let me down easily.

In any case, I'm glad she didn't simply refuse to respond at all, as porring suggested could have been the case. Maybe we can get to know each other. Maybe not. If not, I guess I will just move on.

If she doesn't respond to your random facebook messages, it doesn't make her a bad person. She might just be freaked out because a guy she doesn't really know is giving his number out. I know you're probably a good guy, but girls can be like skiddish cats. You can't just charge after them. They have to want to come to you. If she does respond, it doesn't mean you have a chance with her. It's good to be honest, but there are some things that can make people feel uncomfortable. Now if she was a really shy girl, maybe you being shy as well and talking about it would be something she was attracted to....All depends on the girl you're dealing with. Generally though, it seems like most people find confidence and mysteriousness attractive....Confidence in the sense where you can at least interact with others casually.....Mysteriousness in the sense that you don't reveal everything about yourself right away and you don't seem too eager to smother them with attention because you might have other things in your life that are demanding of your attention.

If she doesn't respond to your random facebook messages, it doesn't make her a bad person. She might just be freaked out because a guy she doesn't really know is giving his number out.

Once again, this is regarding Girl #5 in that other thread (referred to in my original post). I did not send her a random Facebook message. Girl #5 is someone I have a class with, we had a group assignment together, and I wanted to get to know her better, so I sent her a message on our class discussion page.

You have too many girls haha

Um, wow. Why are you contacting all of these people, especially your classmates, randomly/quasi-randomly? The way you are going about things makes you sound creepy. Girls don't like desperate guys. The fact that you randomly message women makes you seem really desperate.

Um, wow. Why are you contacting all of these people, especially your classmates, randomly/quasi-randomly? The way you are going about things makes you sound creepy. Girls don't like desperate guys. The fact that you randomly message women makes you seem really desperate.

I'm no longer randomly contacting women on Facebook. I started that other thread a little while back, at a time when I was feeling particularly lonely.

I have since devoted that thread to updating on my efforts in talking to women -- girls I know in class, or meet on dating sites, etc.

By the way, I have talked about this before, but don't call me creepy. I swear to God, whenever I hear someone use that word (especially women), it almost makes my blood boil. I started a whole thread on this a while back.

Don't do it. Nothing I have done regarding Girl #5, or any of the other women I have updated on, is "creepy." And I won't let you or anyone else tell me otherwise.

You take care now.

You have too many girls haha

Just trying to not get too hung up on one girl, which is something I tended to do in the past. If one doesn't work out or she doesn't show interest, I move on to another; and so on. That's what I have been updating on. When a girl finally reciprocates my interest, then I will focus on her. (I recently started a thread about a girl I met on OKCupid who I've been talking to. She's the first girl to actually show me any interest, so we'll see how this goes.)

I don't think her response to your awkwardness is in any way, shape, or form a test of her compassion -- unless you mean you were testing to see if she'd tease you in some way and the fact that she was polite about it makes her kind.

Here is the problem with putting the onus on her by saying it's a test of her compassion: There are guys that will want to ask her out but will be more direct about it, more assertive, more creative/flirtatious/playful, and less awkward. When you're nervous it makes women that are kind/compassionate nervous/awkward as well, and the jerks will laugh.

So you're essentially asking her to take a risk on you when other guys might not present her with these issues and you're making a judgment about her character based on that. I like that you're taking action. If you're shy and have social anxiety then putting yourself in those situations is the thing to do to desensitize yourself. I would just advise against trying to turn weaknesses that you're working to improve into tests of various peoples' patience and kindness.

I would just advise against trying to turn weaknesses that you're working to improve into tests of various peoples' patience and kindness.

I see what you're saying, PTH. And thank you for your advice.

But I don't mind making a character judgment about someone who sees me as "wimpy and weak" just because I was a little awkward and openly admitted that. Such a person would be of low character, in my opinion. I operate on the philosophy that a person with good character is someone who will treat well and with respect even the least among you.

porring was saying that she might ignore me simply because I admitted my nervousness, thinking I was "wimpy and weak." If that had been the case, then I could write her off pretty quickly as someone I don't want to be around anyway.

I'm no longer randomly contacting women on Facebook. I started that other thread a little while back, at a time when I was feeling particularly lonely.

 

I have since devoted that thread to updating on my efforts in talking to women -- girls I know in class, or meet on dating sites, etc.

 

By the way, I have talked about this before, but don't call me creepy. I swear to God, whenever I hear someone use that word (especially women), it almost makes my blood boil. I started a whole thread on this a while back.

 

Don't do it. Nothing I have done regarding Girl #5, or any of the other women I have updated on, is "creepy." And I won't let you or anyone else tell me otherwise.

 

You take care now.

Sure, except your point of reference should be what the women you are contacting think of you. I think you should back off a bit and try to talk to your classmates IN CLASS, not via messaging them online. Just hold off on the internet messaging until you get to know them better IN PERSON.

Sure, except your point of reference should be what the women you are contacting think of you. I think you should back off a bit and try to talk to your classmates IN CLASS, not via messaging them online. Just hold off on the internet messaging until you get to know them better IN PERSON.

I do talk to my classmates in class. I don't see the harm in sending someone an online message with whom I was in a group assignment. It's really quite harmless and I don't understand what your problem is.

That said, I was advised at some point on this forum that talking to women online might help me break out of my social anxiety about talking to women at all. In the last several weeks, I have noticed that it has seemed to work. While I still have anxiety at school, I notice that I'm getting better at smiling at women I find attractive (and other people as well) and talking to them doesn't seem as hard.

I'm still trying to get past my awkwardness, though. And it doesn't help when women resort to their usual knee-jerk word "creepy."

I would just advise against trying to turn weaknesses that you're working to improve into tests of various peoples' patience and kindness.

- I wanted to echo this sentiment.

As a woman, feeling `tested' can just bring up a lot of pain from bad relationships for the woman where the woman feels you are criticising her before things have even got going without knowing enough about her. It can unwittingly come accross as arrogant.., I can't advise but it's worth considering this can come accross as arrogant. It may also communicate that you're insecure. There's nothing wrong with you working on self-development - trust her that she is not judging you. If you find out she is, fair enough, you can decide what you want from there on but if she is not, you have judged her.. Nobody, woman or man, wants to feel tested.

...trust her that she is not judging you. If you find out she is, fair enough, you can decide what you want from there on but if she is not, you have judged her.. Nobody, woman or man, wants to feel tested.

I am not judging her at all. All of this was in response to the hypothetical situation porring set up about her potentially seeing me as "wimpy and weak." (I notice that porring's posts have all been mysteriously deleted.)

Again, if that had been the case, and she indeed saw me as "wimpy and weak" simply for openly admitting I was a little nervous, then I would have absolutely no qualms about judging her character accordingly.

Of course, there would be no way of knowing for sure that she thought such a thing, unless I had sufficient reason to believe it. However, I certainly wouldn't be surprised if she thought that I was "wimpy and weak." We live in a culture that says that men must always have perfect assertiveness and confidence, while women can get away with lacking some confidence. (Take note of the terminology our culture uses: "get some confidence!" is synonymous with "man up!")

By admitting my nervousness, I probably did seem as though I was "wimpy and weak"; whereas, if it had been the other way around, and she had approached me and later admitted nervousness, I would most likely be seen as foolish for dismissing her as weak because of it.

I am not judging her at all.

- I apologise if you felt I was criticising you, it was just friendly advice to keep well away from wondering what is going on in her head! You'll never know for sure unless you have a conversation with her about it..!