My Online Ex-Boyfriend Contacted Me Last April After Almost 4 Years

Early April 2010 my online ex-boyfriend contacted me after years of not being in touch....

First some background (sorry if it is too long):

We started talking January 2005, and after a few weeks I was falling for him, hard. He lives in the US, I live halfway accross the world, in Scandinavia. He told me he was in love with me too.

He loved seeing me on the webcam, and we talked on the phone many times, sent e-mails back and forth. He was everything I ever wanted. We talked now and then about meeting, and how wonderful that could be. I wanted so badly to meet him the summer of 2005, but he claimed he couldn't make time as he was busy with his phd studies and work. Then, next opportunity came Christmas 2005, but he said his parents would be upset if he didn't come see them for Christmas, as he always does.

Summer 2006 I yet again pushed to meet him, but he got angry saying

I needed to give him time, he was busy and could not spend the proper time needed to plan this yet. I was sad, but thought he might schedule something later. Christmas 2006 did not happen either, and I spent so much time crying because it hurt so much loving him and yet not being able to meet him in person.:sad:

Another man started hitting on me early 2007, and I felt flattered because I was so attention-starved from my "boyfriend". So, once again I pleaded and begged him to meet me, this was for Easter 2007. He got angry, I cried, he hung up on me.

After this he didn't contact me for more than a month, and in between this my best friend had told me to forget about him and focus my energy and time on the man who seemed to actually want me. So I did.

He was head over heels for me, and I felt overjoyed with all the attention and compliments, and I guess I got a crush on him. But I still could not forget my "boyfriend", even though he seemed to have forgotten about me. Once again I pleaded with him to meet me, this was summer 2007. I asked him when he thought we could meet, that he could get back to me with an estimate. He never replied to that e-mail, which was the last one I ever sent him. However, he did drop me a note two months later informing me he had gotten a job and was now on a week-long businesstrip to England!!! Just a couple hours by plane from me! He made a comment about finally being in the same time zone! I got so angry, hurt and upset reading that e-mail from him, that I finally decided not to reply or write him anymore.

Early 2008 the other man and I got married, and later that year we got a beautiful son. I had graduated in 2007, and gotten a job, and then married, had a baby, like almost all my friends and other people my age. I was happy, and so proud of my little baby.

I loved, and still love, my job, look forward to go there every day. Only thing is/was that my husband and I are not "the great love", but I assumed that is just what happens after having been married for a couple years, right?

Well, when my online ex contacted me in April, saying he was still single, it was as if he broke my heart all over again. He didn't want to meet me, yet he was still single. At least if he had a gf, it would have been more definite, and closed. I felt all the old feelings return, and honestly I had thought of him from time to time, but now they were back in full force and I started to feel like my life was nothing.

I used to think I was so happy, yet within a few weeks of him contacting me again, I felt as if everything in my life was wrong, and that I just wish I had met him years ago.:sad:

He told me he still wants to meet me, it doesn't matter that I'm married since "we" precede everything, as he told me. As immoral as it is, I still want to meet him as well. So, this time since April has passed, and I have told him late March could be a chance for us to meet, maybe for closure, or who knows. I did not have the chance to tell him this a week ago, in msn chat, because he logged off after just exchanging our opening "how are you"s, whereupon I sent him an e-mail with the March option.

I made it very clear to him since we started talking again in April, that he broke my heart in 2007, and that if he does not intend to meet me this time around either, to just honestly tell me, we will part ways with no hard feelings. He reassured me many times he does want to meet me, and even got angry a few times accusing me of not trusting him and having low self-esteem.

Here I am, one week after sending that e-mail, and still no reply from him. He has told me he is very busy because of a project at work (which is real, I found out), but that he tries to e-mail me as often that he can, but feels guilty because his e-mails are shorter than mine (of which I've reassured him is just fine, as long as he writes something, anything, regardless the length). I noticed he has added another girl to his contact list on msn since we last talked a week ago, and it breaks my heart.

I know it is immoral for me to want to meet him, but I desperately need closure of some kind. I do not want to wake up at 80, regretting painfully not meeting him. Despite his sometimes cold behavior, he is the most amazing, wonderful and warm man when he seems relaxed and we have good conversations. No one has ever made me feel happier, it is absurd to love someone you've never met, but that is what I feel about him. I love him dearly, and cannot bear the thought of never meeting him.

Any ideas of what he might be thinking/planning? Should I just go surprise him (although that might be rude), should I patiently wait for him to reply, send another e-mail?

:sad:

Was there a valid reason as to why he couldn't see you all these times you two were talking before you met your husband? Something isn't adding up on his part. You really want to take a chance with someone you've never met and risk of ruining your marriage and family? It doesn't matter what he's thinking or planning, he had all this time to see you and didn't. There are so many stories like this where the guy keeps luring women yet they will never make the effort to meet while stringing their heart along.

Please focus on your marriage. Think about your husband and child and let this guy go. He's only going to bring you more heartache and false hope.

By meeting him and communicating with him, you are emotionally cheating on your husband. You are only thinking about your needs, but not the needs of him and your son. Think of how this man treated you, and basically is still treating you. You are not a priority to him, yet you are willing to risk everything for him. How would you feel if your husband were doing this?

You are idealizing someone you have never met. It's easy to fill in the blanks when you have limited contact with them. You can only get to know someone to a certain extent without meeting someone in person. If he was truly as amazing and wonderful as you describe him, he would not be trying to convince you that it is OK to betray your husband like this. "Preceding" him does not make it OK.

Why not take your husband with you to meet him...but I guess you know that your husband would be very upset if he knew you were meeting someone your heart still yearns for. This guy jerked you around for years and yet you are still ready to betray your husband in order to meet up with a guy who kept stringing you along. You are not being fair to your husband.

Your marriage is your closure, it's as simple as that.

oh my goodness. i agree with all of these other posters. sorry, but your online 'ex-boyfriend' had his chance. i've had my share of men like these - they are only interested in you when you are unavailable. but when you want them and you are single and you want to make the relationship work, they are full of excuses. I bet you $100 that if you told him you broke up with your husband, were filing for divorce and told him you wanted to get back with him, he would suddenly disappear again and have another excuse. or he might be into the idea for a few weeks, and then he disappears.

I, too, have had the experience of ex-boyfriends coming back years later, after not hearing from them forever, claiming that they love me. but you know what - if he/they really loved you, why would they have left you for so long without a word??? why didn't they try when they had the chance? i had a guy tell me he wanted a second chance after 4 years. another one who said that after 3 years. another one who wanted a second chance after 5 months. all of those guys left me without a word. and then i had to pick up the pieces, move on, try to get myself back together, i went through all sorts of things in my life (work, school, illness) and suddenly they want to pick up where we left off? no way. part of what is important to me in a man is someone who will be WITH me through the tough times, not just come and leave when he wants like a stray cat.

do not - i repeat - DO NOT jeapordize your marriage over something that isn't real. you and your husband and child are real. sure, it's not always fun and sexy and perfect, but it's a real, true love. what you had with your ex-online bf, i'm sorry to say, wasn't the real deal. if it were, he would have gone to met you all of those times and not made excuses.

Exactly. Someone who has already shown you that they will disappear from your life without warning and without explanation have shown you a very bad character trait and they should not be trusted again..and certainly are not worth sacrificing a marriage.

He has shown you time and time again that is isn't going to meet you - if he wanted to he would have done so while you were single. You're jeopardizing your marriage for a fantasy, an imagination of the perfect man - yet he has shown you he is not perfect (no one is). Stop wasting your time, and please stop being emotionally unfaithful. Either decide to be with your husband or get a divorce. This guy doesn't want you and when he had his chance he ran away, why would you give up everything you have for someone you don't even know?

Why are we always seeking validation from those who have clearly shown they're not interested?

If this guy had ever 'loved you' he would have found a way to meet you. This man has repeatedly shown you he is not dependable and is a bigtime excuse maker, why in the world would you think things would be any different?

Even if you weren't married, I don't understand your wanting to meet up with a man who has strung you along and treated you so poorly?

I suggest you seek some counseling to address why you would risk the loss of your marriage, and why you have so little love for yourself to reconnect with someone who has been so disrespectful.

Was there a valid reason as to why he couldn't see you all these times you two were talking before you met your husband? Something isn't adding up on his part. You really want to take a chance with someone you've never met and risk of ruining your marriage and family? It doesn't matter what he's thinking or planning, he had all this time to see you and didn't. There are so many stories like this where the guy keeps luring women yet they will never make the effort to meet while stringing their heart along.

 

Please focus on your marriage. Think about your husband and child and let this guy go. He's only going to bring you more heartache and false hope.

He told me whenever I got sad and/or angry when he said he didn't have time to meet me, that I should trust him, stop worrying and that we would meet "one day." Actually, he said the same thing a few months ago when I asked him if we will ever meet: "Don't worry, we will meet. I think it will be a lot of fun."

All those times in the past when he postponed, or more like not wanting to talk about it much, saying we should discuss it when he had more time, he kept saying he needed to get his life on the right track first(meaning finishing his degree and getting the job he always wanted). It hurt, but I never wanted to be a burden or trying to wreck his career ambitions. In hindsight, I feel so angry and bitter that he couldn't spare a weekend to meet me.

He told me last April, when we talked for the first time in years and kind of talked about not meeting, that he deliberately acted in a dismissive manner to push me away. I was shocked, and his reply was that he felt guilty about all the time he had taken from me and he didn't want to keep me waiting longer, putting my life on hold. Although, I never felt like my life was on hold, I was crazy in love with him and wanted him to be mine forever.

Incidentally, he has said so many sweet things about what we could have been, that I cry weekly about it. For instance, he told me in reply to me saying that we would not have worked out due to my jealousy and his temper, that he totally saw us "living happily ever after"!!! Also, he told me a few months ago when I asked if he thought we would have been happy, that "of course, how could we not be happy?" It just makes me feel so....confused, miserable and sad - because why didn't he say that years ago, and act accordingly?:sad:

About my husband and son: I am realistic, I don't try to fool myself by creating this fantasy where I meet my online ex, whereupon I divorce my husband, and that somehow my ex would be happy living with me and my son by another man. (Well, yes, I have fantasized about it, but I realize it is a stupid dream). What I hope for is to meet him, perhaps only once, because I feel I cannot bear to live my life without ever seeing him, and that would probably be it. Maybe we'd continue to e-mail and occasionally talk on the phone or chat, perhaps meet again in another 4-5 years if things went well.

I know it's morally wrong to want to meet him, but I cannot imagine not doing it. Sometimes I feel like I want to just throw myself off a high building, because then I wouldn't have to live my whole life without ever seeing him. Then again, I can't do that because I have a son, and thus meeting him is the only remedy to stop feeling like I want to die.:sad:

He has shown you time and time again that is isn't going to meet you - if he wanted to he would have done so while you were single. You're jeopardizing your marriage for a fantasy, an imagination of the perfect man - yet he has shown you he is not perfect (no one is). Stop wasting your time, and please stop being emotionally unfaithful. Either decide to be with your husband or get a divorce. This guy doesn't want you and when he had his chance he ran away, why would you give up everything you have for someone you don't even know?

I am not going to give up everything, I've never met him, as you know. Since I have a child, there could never be a relationship either, I just want to meet him at least once. I don't want to live my life never knowing if it was real or not.

These exes that wanted a second chance with you, were they men you had only talked to online, or actual real-life ex-boyfriends? I can see how if they were the latter it would be easier to dismiss their offer than if you had never met them? At least I see it that way. If you've never met someone, and then they return and you sense this glimmer of hope that "perhaps this time around, he will want to meet me", I just cannot let it go without trying my best and hardest to actually making a meeting happen. I wont be sacrificing my marriage for this, it'll just be one meeting (or maybe not even that).

Why are we always seeking validation from those who have clearly shown they're not interested?

 

If this guy had ever 'loved you' he would have found a way to meet you. This man has repeatedly shown you he is not dependable and is a bigtime excuse maker, why in the world would you think things would be any different?

 

Even if you weren't married, I don't understand your wanting to meet up with a man who has strung you along and treated you so poorly?

 

I suggest you seek some counseling to address why you would risk the loss of your marriage, and why you have so little love for yourself to reconnect with someone who has been so disrespectful.

I know it looks like he is not going to meet me this time around either, but I cannot help but clinging to the hope that maybe it will happen. I know it's stupid and wrong, but I love this man so much, and even if I've never met him he has made me happier than anyone ever has. Whenever I watch a romance movie, read a love story, hear about someone getting married, getting together, see someone hand in hand on the street......I always think of him, and I think if I get to meet him, and be able to experience that kind of undescribable happiness for only a couple of days, I don't have to feel my life is lived in vain anymore. I could even settle for a few hours, just as long as I get to meet him once, and get some peace of mind finally.

I know it sounds ridiculous and meaningless, and maybe I do need counseling, but I doubt it would change how I feel about this man, however disrespectfully he has treated me. He told me he has had a photo of me as his desktop background ever since we were "a couple" years ago, to remind him what he missed out on for only focusing on his career, and to not let it happen again(although, I will not be the lucky recipient of that lesson learned). It breaks my heart, and I feel like I can never stop loving him.

I just don't get this: If the truth is that he really isn't interested in me at all, then why would he want to talk to me at all? I mean, if that is how he feels, he is not only wasting my time but also his own.

Thank you everyone for your replies of advice, questions and insight. I really appreciate it. I realize it all sounds insane, immmoral and wrong, and so I also thank you all for not being mean and calling me names(which was what I had feared).

These exes that wanted a second chance with you, were they men you had only talked to online, or actual real-life ex-boyfriends? I can see how if they were the latter it would be easier to dismiss their offer than if you had never met them? At least I see it that way. If you've never met someone, and then they return and you sense this glimmer of hope that "perhaps this time around, he will want to meet me", I just cannot let it go without trying my best and hardest to actually making a meeting happen. I wont be sacrificing my marriage for this, it'll just be one meeting (or maybe not even that).

You already TRIED your best before to make a meeting happened. Heck, he was even in Europe. He did not want the meeting to happen. Don't be a fool and even meet him. When you got married, you agreed to forsake all others, and that includes meetings with ex-flames, real or imagined.

With the guys I spoke of, one was a true bf, one was a guy I dated, another was a guy I had met in real life a few times but he lived very far from me, but we did have a short-lived fling. The fact that you've never met this guy does not mean you should - it's all the more reason to leave him behind in the dust.

If he loved and cared about you, why would he have let you marry another man? Ever think about that?

you already tried your best before to make a meeting happened. Heck, he was even in europe. He did not want the meeting to happen. Don't be a fool and even meet him. When you got married, you agreed to forsake all others, and that includes meetings with ex-flames, real or imagined.

 

With the guys i spoke of, one was a true bf, one was a guy i dated, another was a guy i had met in real life a few times but he lived very far from me, but we did have a short-lived fling. The fact that you've never met this guy does not mean you should - it's all the more reason to leave him behind in the dust.

 

if he loved and cared about you, why would he have let you marry another man? Ever think about that?

this!!! ^^^

What about your husband though? Don't you find going through with this, and even communicating with him, extremely disrespectful to your husband? You have a man that treats you well and yet you really are willing to risk him just to meet this man who doesn't treat you well. It is a risk because if he finds out, your husband could leave you. This would not just be an innocent meeting since you state you are in love with this man.

I am not going to give up everything, I've never met him, as you know. Since I have a child, there could never be a relationship either, I just want to meet him at least once. I don't want to live my life never knowing if it was real or not.

You left something out here...A HUSBAND!

Plus it's not like you are living on the moon. For $1,000 and some time off he could've seen you easily. I just don't see that he put any effort all this time. Few months I could understand of not being able to plan anything. But for years? This guy had something going on already if not married for all we know.

Plus it's not like you are living on the moon. For $1,000 and some time off he could've seen you easily. I just don't see that he put any effort all this time. Few months I could understand of not being able to plan anything. But for years? This guy had something going on already if not married for all we know.

Or, could it be that he has never met anyone he's chatted to online before, and is extremely nervous? Objectively speaking, he is not very good looking (he has a receding hairline and a bald spot as well), so maybe he is worried I might not like him in person. Although to me, he is the most handsome guy in the world, and I've told him I think he's gorgeous.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just go see him unannounced, take 2-3 days and just do it. How would a man react to that?

You already TRIED your best before to make a meeting happened. Heck, he was even in Europe. He did not want the meeting to happen. Don't be a fool and even meet him. When you got married, you agreed to forsake all others, and that includes meetings with ex-flames, real or imagined.

 

With the guys I spoke of, one was a true bf, one was a guy I dated, another was a guy I had met in real life a few times but he lived very far from me, but we did have a short-lived fling. The fact that you've never met this guy does not mean you should - it's all the more reason to leave him behind in the dust.

 

If he loved and cared about you, why would he have let you marry another man? Ever think about that?

Well, it's not like I told him to meet me, or else I'd marry someone else. We were out of touch, he didn't know what I was doing during that time, and vice versa. But if it is the case that he doesn't care about me at all, then why would he spend time at all talking to me?

"But if it is the case that he doesn't care about me at all, then why would he spend time at all talking to me? "

Because I have heard and read about many online affairs like this and the reason he is doing this is because he is one of those people (male & female) that get their ego's stroked by getting someone to fall in love with them online. Some are married, some just have a hobby so to speak of carrying on affairs online. Many of them have more than one going at one time.

Think about what an ego boost it may be for him to have you still willing to write to him, profess your love even after your married, still want to meet him and maybe he has found another woman who is also in love with him without ever meeting him. WOW, in his fantasy world he is top dog. Have you ever thought that when he tells you he has your pic on his desktop and that he maybe telling another woman the same thing? He has no intention of ever meeting you, he just wants to keep stroking his ego and your doing a great job of doing that for him.

Don't let him "own" your mind and your love, don't give it away to someone like this. Give it to your husband and child who are real and truly do love you.

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I have also read about people that do such things. I just have a hard time imagining him as "one of them." I know there is a possibility that he is, but I just cannot fathom why he would need such confirmation from me. He has a high paying job in a large industrial company, a phd-degree, a nice home.... I mean, it seems like he doesn't need any ego boost from me or any other?

The one odd thing, remembering it now, is this: Years ago, after a huge fight we had, he sent me an e-mail begging me not to leave him, because he would be alone forever without me, because other women would be nothing compared to me. Incidentally, on his faceebook profile I read his 25 random things(which many people wrote in 2009), where he stated he had not been in a "serious relationship" since 2005 (we started talking in January 2005, so did he refer to me, or someone else? If someone else, then didn't he "cheat" on her by telling me he loved me, seeing me naked etc.?) Also, he wrote that he will be alone forever, and that he is worried that he doesn't care that he will be alone forever.

Needless to say, he doesn't realize I've read this, since we're not "friends" on facebook, but he happens to not have a private wall. Any way I could ask about this, without him suspecting I read his 25 random things?

His self-esteem seems to be very high overall, and when I've looked at his facebook profile, he seems to interact with his friends just the way I imagined he would. He has lamented the fact that my self-esteem is very low though, and when we were a "couple" years ago he often tried to "build me up" with the most amazing compliments and comments. Why do it if he is the one in need of an ego boost? I may be blinded because I love him so much, and also that I cannot understand why he would deceive me when I've been so sweet with him.

You've ignored all of the posts referring to your husband and how this affects him. At this point, I feel very sorry for him. You don't seem to be concerned with him at all.

You've ignored all of the posts referring to your husband and how this affects him. At this point, I feel very sorry for him. You don't seem to be concerned with him at all.

I have commented on it, at least once I believe. But I can say more. My marriage is not a great one, obviously, if it had been I would naturally not still want to meet my online ex. Yet, we get along fine and my husband is a great father and our son loves him. I don't love my husband, but I like him as a friend, and of course I don't want him to suffer. If I end up meeting my online ex, I would keep it a secret - which can be done. I don't think it would be a big risk at all.