Why Nc is Often Needed...whether to move on reconcile...

I got this from a friend on another forum and I really liked it so I am passing it on...

The following concept is NOT my own idea.

The idea was mainly used by the author to describe the fundamentals of any relationship as it is just setting off at its earliest stages.

I will however try to elaborate on it and take the notion further to explain why I think a certain period of NC is ALWAYS good for the dumpee after a break up.

So you were once a kid ? Great ! I hope you had the chance to try those books where, on each page, you would find a multitude of dots numbered from 1 to whatever number the maximum would be depending on the complexity of the image.

Then as you grabbed a pencil and started linking the dots in order (1 to 2, 2 to 3, etc...) an image began to form on the paper very slowly.

Moreover, with every dot you linked your mind constantly tried to speculate on the final outcome. Always trying to be one step ahead of your hand.

If you were smart or lucky (not all of us are, duh!), you would sometimes be able to tell what the final drawing looked like even when you were still half-way through the process. But sometimes you really needed to connect most of the dots to guess what the image was. And once all the dots were connected your mind would just stop all its assumptions as there was simply no room for imagination anymore.

Let me elaborate. The author originally used this idea to describe how a woman perceives a man when she first meets him and why it is crucial to never reveal everything about yourself too quickly. But this can easily be generalized to men as well.

There are two things to consider here:

1) Every little detail you divulge about yourself is like a dot on the white page.

2) When the women is not with you, she will start thinking about you with the information she has at hand. This thinking process she goes through is so similar to that of a child trying to connect to the dots except for ONE TINY LITTLE DIFFERENCE: The dots in her mind are NOT numbered !

Thus the saying you often hear: Falling in love is not how someone thinks about you when they are with you but rather how they think about you when you are not around.

The dots are just there as information that's sparsely floating around in her mind.

So what she will do is that she will unconsciously start connecting those dots according to a certain pattern and guess what pattern we are talking about ? The pattern of the ideal man for whom she would ultimately fall in love in the blink of an eye.

Remember, this happens unconsciouly and this is why it is powerful. We simply do NOT resist what belongs to the unconscious and once we are aware of it (it is transferred to the conscious part of the brain) it is usually too late to go back and/or fight it.

The process described above is the one people in here call the "honeymoon period" during which you accept so many things you normally find intolerable in your partner, during which you daydream about them and you experience the sensation of "butterflies" in your stomach when you see them.

We all know the perfect man doesn't exist (ladies, I hear you shouting "oh yeah ! damn right he doesn't exist !" but, hold your horses, I meant the perfect person

So, of course, however the man turns out to be, he will never even remotely compete with the image she has built of him in her mind. He might snore at night , make a weird noise while chewing food or even fart at times , he might forget her birthday, become clingy, needy and desperate, etc...

Excellent but what does all this have to do with NC after a break up ?

Well, when a person breaks up with you (cheating and abuse excluded) they normally do it because somewhere, somehow they don't feel the same about you anymore. Over time, the initial flame dwindles as they connect the dots and, little by little, they realize that the final/real image of "you" doesn't match the image they had previously mentally formed of you.

The more you chase them after the break up the more you come accross as someone who's trying to force his image (who he really is) onto the beautiful image they originally had in their mind.

Since both images don't match at all it never works.

You see, by the time they break up with you, they have already connected most of the dots and it has become so clear for them.

This is why you need to back-off. Because you cannot salvage the "old" relationship. You cannot modify the "old" picture they have of you anymore. You need to create a brand new one !

In case you are wondering why a lot of dumpers frequently move to a new relationship almost immediately after ending the one they were in. It is because they are on the quest for a new white page, for a new thrilling experience where the dots are still unmarked.

There are other reasons why they seldom date someone new, be it a way for dumpers to validate the fact that breaking up with you was a good thing and their life is now better or simply to mask the pain which, by the way, always comes back sooner or later to hit them in the face like a ton of bricks.

There's no avoiding missing someone if you once loved them. You can delay it but you can't avoid it. That's why most people here tell you to grieve for a lost one if you are the dumper.

As Winston Churchill said: "If you are going through hell, keep going". There is no way around !

Back to our main topic. What you need to do is completely erase the page where your ex had connected the dots about you all together or, at least, erase most of the dots in order to successfully scramble the image and render it unidentifiable. This is where "time" comes in to help you do that.

It is often said that, as time passes by, we tend to forget the bad memories and only remember the good ones. Use this to your own advantage !

Then you need to seriously work on improving yourself (not just for them but for any future relationship you might go into) in a way that the "final drawing" that represents you becomes a much more interesting/alluring one.

Once you have done this, and also used your time to heal and regain your self-control you can then re-engage your ex in LC. This is where LC helps you disclose information about yourself very slowly again and, if your NC period was long enough (usually months), allow the ex to view you as a new blank page that they need to rediscover. Thus the fact that people always tell you it's ALWAYS a good idea to start a fresh relationship with an ex and never resume an old one.

The last thing I want to talk about is the possibilty that some forum users will say: "Yeah but what good is it to erase most of the dots if the ex is going to link them all over again only to get the same old image they got the first time around."

You see, this is what happens when two people reconcile quickly without letting a good amount of time go by in between. The reconnected dots give out the exact same image and the end result is another break-up.

So it's simple. When you work on improving yourself and living your life while in NC instead of moping around and pining for your ex and waiting for them to contact you then you are making sure that the "final drawing" that depicts you becomes a completely different representation than it once was and guess what ? You will also have the advantage of already knowing what attracts your ex since you once had a full fledged relationship with them so you can use that when improving things about you during your time apart.

That's what personally convinced me to go NC for a (good looong) while before resuming with LC.

This doesn't mean you are guaranteed to get back with your ex. We all know there's no fool-proof method but at least you will have much higher chances.

You have nothing to lose except those bad, hurt,heartbroken feelings, you have all to gain back about yourself that once attracted such a person to you in the first place.

Great. I'm going to link to this.

Brilliant!!

Nice post. Nevertheless, NC wouldn't be needed at all, if people wouldn't attach themselves to their partner so much. The thing is, you should always work on improving yourself and never stop. Whether you are in a relationship or not. Not only you eliminate ways for your partner to break up with you, cheat on you etc, because their image of you will be constantly re-shaping itself as you are improving. But also, if for whatever reason a break up should occur, then you will most probably be the one with upper hand. NC then will not be about healing yourself, as you hardly ever get hurt by either 'dumping a person' or 'being dumped by your partner because of their failure of some kind'. You just won't care. You were here to give your love, they didn't appreciate it enough, end of story. You turn around and find someone else. No big deal.

Thing is, people get into relationship, and are like 'O M G, I got a girlfriend/boyfriend' and then they're like thinking about it 24/7 and forget other things. I bought a new guitar, and I was like 'O M G, I got a cool guitar'... but that doesn't mean I'll be playing it 24/7 and forget about going to gym, eating healthy and properly, sleeping, going to work, and my other hobbies. Duh. ;-)

Nice post. Nevertheless, NC wouldn't be needed at all, if people wouldn't attach themselves to their partner so much. The thing is, you should always work on improving yourself and never stop. Whether you are in a relationship or not. Not only you eliminate ways for your partner to break up with you, cheat on you etc, because their image of you will be constantly re-shaping itself as you are improving. But also, if for whatever reason a break up should occur, then you will most probably be the one with upper hand. NC then will not be about healing yourself, as you hardly ever get hurt by either 'dumping a person' or 'being dumped by your partner because of their failure of some kind'. You just won't care. You were here to give your love, they didn't appreciate it enough, end of story. You turn around and find someone else. No big deal.

 

 

This part i put on bold letter really rings true,even though this post has many good points- it seems in a way imply that somehow you were lacking,(in the exes mind) thats why they dumped you,somehow you were not the person they thought you were in their mind. In reality, many times the problem lies with dumpers who may not want to commit and go in and out of relationships,not because the 'dumpees'does not connect with the image that they have

That to me is why NC is needed when a dumper just dont appreciate your love and have what they call here the G.I.G.S. (took me a while to figure what that was!)

If someone does not appreciate what they have,they will always look elsewhere no matter what.

 

Look at beautiful and accomplished celebrities or very successful people whose spouses actually left them for someone else. For example,Princess Di no matter how accomplished she was and well loved by the people could not gain the love of her husband.

Or to get personal, even my father who is loving and a very very good person could not get my mom to love an dappreciate her,after three failed marriages guess whose alone now,not my dad.

Like I said,although it is always important to better yourself, but realistically and fairly, lets not forget some 'dumpers' Also need that self-improvement just as well.

Perhaps that is a major reason many i read try to come back because the grass isn't always greener,and they realize that they may have left a good person behind.

whether to move or reconcile....? I am currently stuck between the two options as I haven't got a clue

Hi faithful,

I think this is great information but I'm not sure about the LC part.

Once you healed, you shouldn't re engage your ex with LC. If they want you, they will come back by their own. If not move on...

Very insightful post faithful, I completely agree! and romi I think sometimes LC Works sometimes because they may be shy or nervous, they might think your over them maybe they are waiting for you like your waiting for them.

When I started taking to my ex and our mutual friends again I found out she talked about me a lot, from what she hoped I changed about myself to telling her friends she missed me and eventually started saying someone, when I told her how I felt she asked me twice why I waited so long, so you never know

I agree...with the part about not being able to have an old relationship...it has to be new.

I very much agree with you Tidal. Whatever happens in the future, I'm not giving up on all these new things I have started: volunteering, going to the gym everyday,

These are things that i have incorporated into my life and will continue to do so no matter who I am with.

(Have you noticed that when you stress too much about something & keep waiting for it anxiously, it just won't happen? This is true for everything in life. When you want something so desperately you won't get it. But when you can let go of your obsessive feelings & learn to care less about it, you will achieve your goal)

Ilike that quote,very true.

I definitely think it's true too...about everything in life!

That's why it's part of my signature.

Hi,

Nice post. Nevertheless, NC wouldn't be needed at all, if people wouldn't attach themselves to their partner so much.

It would be all nice and easy if life was all reasonable, based on thinking, but it's not. To make things worse, relationships are not based on thinking alone, but there's a large emotional side to it. In addition to that it is not possible to get closeness without the emotional side, so thinking alone will not get you anywhere in a relationship. This is why I think the above argument is flawed.

Regards,

the_dawn

Faithful: I love the Churchill quote. I feel like I should tattoo it on my hand to get me through this, but instead I've added to my signature!

you preach that sh*t sister! haha no but seriously, it was a very clever post and gave a me a different angle on the break up!

kinda what i needed as i was thinking of texting her just before valentines to see how she's doing, but now i think il leave it!

great post! x

Great. I'm going to link to this.

put it on your sig! I love this. makes soooo mcuh sense,

bumping it for anyone who needs it.

One of the best posts.

PS: Thank you to dramallama for linking this on her signature!

bumping this. I really need it today...

I'm thinking of re-engaging in LC...

I don't want to say any bit of my situation is different than anyone else's, but I think I am ready to re-engage in LC, otherwise, my ex will never have a chance to see how much i've changed/improved, and he may also think I do not want to speak to him at all anymore (which is totally untrue).

It's been 5 months post BU and about 2 months full NC. If you read Al Turtle (which I have been.. a lot), he says you need to make someone feel safe. If they feel safe, they will want to talk to you... right now, he feels unsafe talknig to me, and I understand that. I was thinking about just sending him a funny email, so that it opens up dialogue, and builds safety.

Two months is nothing kutenish. If your ex wants to get back with you he WILL break through No Contact. HE will dip his toe into the water by sending YOU a funny little email. Don't break contact. You are bargaining with yourself to make it ok. You've made it this far so assume that he will contact you FOR A RELATIONSHIP because HE is the one that dumped YOU. Assume he has NOT changed his mind if you don't hear that he wants to get back together. In short -stick with NC and have faith that he will come to you. Men WILL go after what they want.

thanks for everything dramallama. Your posts give me comfort but they also give me the courage to stay strong.

You're welcome, faithful.

Men WILL go after what they want.

What about women, I wonder? I wonder if it's one rule for women dumpees and another for male dumpees?

If it's a woman dumper, then yes, they will make sure that their ex knows they made a mistake. But in the dating game, as it has and will always be, men especially like the challenge of a chase. So in this specific case, if her ex changes his mind, that is in her favour.