My long-distance marriage

I posted much of these thoughts in the The No Contact Challenge P.2 thread,

but as this isn't really related to that gigantic thread, thought would break it off and post here, in its own place.

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My wife and I live in separate states bec. of circumstances that had her in July returning to the city in the Midwest where we're from so she could take care of her ill and aging parents. She also got a new job there.

I was supposed to move up there as well but stayed here until the house sold. It didn't.

It isn't going so well there so she's looking for jobs here.

We spent 3 weeks together over Christmas and a week at Tgiving and wish I could be with her more, so am looking forward to her coming back, which hasn't been determined yet.

She flew here in Oct. and in Nov.

During a very lonely and desperate weekend in Oct. (a week before a planned visit) I thought our marriage was ending bec. of the lack of sexual affection I've posted in another thread.

I decided to try to improve our marriage. I mainly wanted her to let me ML with her again. It had been prob. a year.

In the process, I found we needed to restore our emotional intimacy, which we've been working on. We cuddle and kiss much more. And the sex has returned. So things are looking up.

The distance is getting to me.

And I'm getting very lonely, so I try to call her every day.

Since Oct., I've been saying a lot of "I love you's" and keep reminding her how am trying to be a new husband, one that wasn't as complacent as before -- that's how she described our recent years.

She's flying here later this month.

Would you be willing to move her parents in with you? Or is it even possible?

This long distance marriage does have its moments.

On Facebook, I have been posting older photos of the two of us, pics of when we dated in the early 90s and from our honeymoon in 96. I also post recent pics of us.

In IM'ing the other night on FB, she told me her friend saw the pics and thought something was wrong with our marriage. My wife said "you can't live in the past" - a comment that got to me.

I sensed something was going wrong, like maybe she was pulling away from our marriage.

You can't take anything for granted, even Christians get divorced and a wedding ring doesn't keep a partner with you.

So I immediately telephoned her.

My fears weren't real and we continued talking and IM'ing.

Here's a summary of what I said to her in the chat:

She called this afternoon and wants to fly down here on my birthday weekend, in March. Like a birthday gift.

I asked, "Will this be an anything goes eve. with you???"

(That's code for letting me do anything I want sexually with her, but of course, I never get that from her). She politely declined but I think it could be a great weekend!!!

Would you be willing to move her parents in with you? Or is it even possible?

That's something we have discussed in the past, and she brought it up on the phone the other day.

Her mother may go into a nursing home.

She is planning to return, but trying to get a job first.

I hope things work out for you, Florida.

I hope things work out for you, Florida.

Thanks, Lightbulb.

Dursing my week with her at Thanksgiving, I clearly told her I had to have sexual intimacy.

When she got a little frustrated with me. I know I was putting some pressure on her, as I wanted to make love.... I told her, "I've been very patient with you..."

Later, I told her I would still love her even that if she wouldn't ever ML with me again. I also told her I could live with just the cuddling -- and the longggggggggg kisses -- but don't hold me to it (she laughed as she knows my need).

Also told her how much I miss her and am lonely as hell and nothing without her.

I hear women just love to hear that kind of thing.

When I asked her if she believes I'm really trying to be a better spouse and treat and love her better, she said, "You want sex."

She didn't say that in a critical or sarcastic way, or say it in a fast way like she doesn't like what I'm doing, etc., like you know how some women talk, "...You only want this and that!..."

I answered her:

"Yes, that was true at the start.

I realized I needed more sex with you and how I miss it.

But now that we're more emotionally close, I know that I want you more than the sex..."

So things are improving on that front. We just need to be living together again.

FORGOT TO ADD...

Married 14 years, together 18 years.

She's 53, I'm 48....

Stop acting like a woman and more like a man, first off never beg for sex. Second don't tell her that you're nothing without her, I promise you that a divorce won't end your life. Stop worrying about her leaving, because that is probably what would make her Want to

MOVED MY RESPONSE FROM ANOTHER THREAD TO HERE...

Floridaman, I think I can safely say most women have moments when we do not desire sexual contact, husband/boyfriend or not. It is never a man's RIGHT to have access to our bodies. Him trying to assert such a "right" is repulsive. You must create a situation of intimacy, love, and sharing in which she may choose to share with you sexually.

Once again, you're spot-on, Jane.

You get a lot of diff. advice. I've posted my struggles on many boards, such as my (formerly) sexless marriage.

I get responses like encouraging me to leave her or that I deserve her sexual affection (I do think that way).

I don't plan divorce, though I was considering it (not seriously, though).

As she and I have been in sep. states for over a month, and have limited physical contact, I'm hoping she'll be more open to me.

We are hugging each other much more and much more intensely. I can feel her longing for me when I greet her or drop her off at the airport.

I think she misses me being around physically.

Stop acting like a woman and more like a man, first off never beg for sex. Second don't tell her that you're nothing without her, I promise you that a divorce won't end your life. Stop worrying about her leaving, because that is probably what would make her Want to

I agree with this. FloridaMan, you come accross in your posts as rather needy. You also seem to over analyse every single detail to death. The constant reminders of how you're trying to be a better husband aren't likely to be seen as attractive and I gotta say, all the intimate talk you've mentioned above is difficult to read (kinda cringeworthy) so I can't imagine what it's like to hear it. It all sounds a bit intense and scary to me.

I'm sorry but I don't think the problem is that you come accross like a woman or as needy. I think the problem (based only on what you have posted - which is not enough to truly know) is that you come accross as a mixture of someone who is completely preoccupied with getting sex + Mr Collins.

I mean: "I hear women just love to hear that kind of thing." That almost is exactly a line spoken by Mr Collins.

I agree with Saffron that what you write is cringeworthy. I think it comes from a lack of sincerity in your spoken word. And perhaps also in your thoughts and actions. Don't say what "women love to hear". Say what you mean. In any event, your wife can apparently tell when you don't mean it.

And you keep saying now that you realise that SHE is more important than sex but this is not what your posts are indicating.

If you want sex and the lack of a certain sex life is a deal breaker for you - then be honest, at least with yourself, about that.

Yes - even Christians get divorced. Who would have thought it.

I'm sorry but I don't think the problem is that you come accross like a woman or as needy. I think the problem (based only on what you have posted - which is not enough to truly know) is that you come accross as a mixture of someone who is completely preoccupied with getting sex + Mr Collins.

I'm NOT preoccupied with sex.

If I were, it is certainly understandable as in NORMAL MARRIAGES, couples engage in LM at least WEEKLY, not YEARLY. Yes I'm UPPERCASING all of this because I am (or was) mad about this.

Who in the heck is Mr. Collins? I'm sorry I'm slow here bug I don't get that reference.

You could have said MR. SMITH or MR. JONES as far as I'm concerned.

I mean: "I hear women just love to hear that kind of thing." That almost is exactly a line spoken by Mr Collins.

A woman DID tell me women like to hear that kind of thing:

FLA MAN wrote

I am flying to see her next weekend to spend all Tgiving week and weekend with her. I think she was pleasantly surprised that I wanted to be with her or could actually do my work from there instead of staying here in Fla.

Hopefully, that will show her my love for her. Plus, I miss her like crazy and am just getting killed by this loneliness

.

 

I have another plan: continue what I've been doing: focus on restoring emotional intimacy with little overt sexual pressure. (Not to say there won't be any sexual pressure, as time is limited, but not to focus on that end as I have too many times in the past.

 

She's going to be working most of that week, so I'm going to try to get her to go to bed an hour or so earlier than normal so we can make some time for each other on those weeknights.

 

I've also purchased lubrication (thanks Maplesrup!!!) and others who recommended it. I'm thinking that might help loosen her a little and restore her LM enjoyment. And welcome me in more as well.

 

To think, in 14 years of marriage, I had never or rarely thought of lubrication and putting more interest in her physical needs and comfort. I hope it's as simple as it sounds.

image removed

 

FEMALE POSTER wrote

:

I will be faithfully praying for you and DW over the holiday. I pray she

does

see your love for her and I encourage you to share what is quoted above.

"I miss you like crazy, Honey, I'm lonely without you!"

sounds quite sweet to a woman's ear

.

Last edited by FLA MAN on Wed Dec 01, 2010

A woman told me women like to hear that kind of thing. So I thought I would try it on my wife. Didn't mean for it to sound PHONY.

I agree with Saffron that what you write is cringeworthy. I think it comes from a lack of sincerity in your spoken word. And perhaps also in your thoughts and actions. Don't say what "women love to hear". Say what you mean. In any event, your wife can apparently tell when you don't mean it.

Cringeworthy?

Insincere?

I MEAN WHAT I SAY with all my heart.

Of course, I say (or type) it with a little humor, to get a laugh. That's called LOVE TALK or SEX TALK.

And you keep saying now that you realise that SHE is more important than sex but this is not what your posts are indicating.

Read that line in a marital sex improvement book. I do mean it. Our relationship is more important than my satisfaction.

If you want sex and the lack of a certain sex life is a deal breaker for you - then be honest, at least with yourself, about that.

Yes - even Christians get divorced. Who would have thought it.

I AM honest about the sex. I've told her that before and keep trying, maybe pressuring her, for more LM.

Noticed a little sarcasm from you there on Christianity. I merely posted that bec. you gotta look out for yourself and not assume things. At least you didn't bring up that "no religious talk" on these boards edict.

Here's a PM from a female friend of mine...

FEMALE October 28 at 3:14pm

Lots of luck. Heavy on the kissing and on the neck. That always gets me. Lol.

Sent via Facebook Mobile

FL MAN October 28 at 3:19pm

Heavy on the kissing, as well as KISSING ON THE NECK?

That's good "inside" information that I'll have to try . Can't say I've done much "necking" in years.

So I'm getting some "inside info" from women. Thought that would help.

I think Circe's referring to Mr Collins from Pride and Prejudice

You'd need to see the BBC version to appreciate the humour.

lick her nips? I think it's great that you still find her very attractive at this age.

try making sex more about pleasuring HER than you. make it a sensual event FOR HER. for starters, try planning a date with rose petals and baths and bubbles and perhaps a bit of champagne? give her a massage, learn how to pleasure her, ask her to tell you what feels good and what you're doing right. make sure it's a fun event FOR HER. perhaps even skip intercourse, unless SHE asks for it. seems she has no drive for sex at the moment, and quite possibly because she hasn't enjoyed it in the past. so I think the first step is to re-build things from the ground up so sex is not about you.

basically lots of foreplay, which may or may not lead to sex.

sometimes the last thing on my mind is sex, but with enough coaxing/foreplay/passionate making out, it leads to awesome sex. HOWEVER, I feel safe in knowing that I can always reject him and not have the issue pushed. perhaps because of this security, I rarely (if ever!) reject his advances. he was very patient with me (before we had sex), and, while making it known that he'd be up for sex, NEVER forced things or attempted to guilt-trip me or rub his patience in my face.

if anything, perhaps a therapist could help you guys build communication? hope things work out.

Originally Posted by Callacova

Stop acting like a woman and more like a man, first off never beg for sex. Second don't tell her that you're nothing without her, I promise you that a divorce won't end your life. Stop worrying about her leaving, because that is probably what would make her Want to

I agree with this. FloridaMan, you come accross in your posts as rather needy. You also seem to over analyse every single detail to death.

 

The constant reminders of how you're trying to be a better husband aren't likely to be seen as attractive and I gotta say, all the intimate talk you've mentioned above is difficult to read (kinda cringeworthy) so I can't imagine what it's like to hear it. It all sounds a bit intense and scary to me.

Scary?

I put all that IM'ing talk in there to show what I'm trying to do.

I thought these would be a good things to say.

For some reason, I thought women wanted open communication and welcomed men who expressed their feelings and emotions more.

I'M DOING THAT!

I'm trying to return to how she and I were when we dated in the 1990s... when love was more free and we were more giving physically to each other....

Take a visit we made to a resort city during our dating. We spent the day visiting antique stores, viewing the sites, dining at a nice cafe, just being together. It was a blessing.

In the middle of the afternoon, we just looked at each other and knew we wanted to return to the historic hotel alongside the mountain so we could passionately do you know what...

That weekend is etched in my mind.

The three X she let me ML with her one day over the 2010 holidays, I rank that up with the weekend resort city trip.

We haven't had that feeling IN YEARS. But I think we can get back to something close.

Don't know man you're situation sounds suspicious. Anyway I do think it's fairly reasonable to ask for sex, but try not to be too needy about it.

Originally Posted by Saffron_

I think Circe's referring to Mr Collins from Pride and Prejudice

You'd need to see the BBC version to appreciate the humour.

 

0.54 for the precise line.

That character's a buffoon and nothing like me or my situation. I don't say things like that or make illegitimate or "vanity" marriage or romantic proposals, as he does.

I watched about half of that and fail to see the relevance here. This is off-topic and no relevance to my issues.

 

Guess I could have just walked away and looked for another love, but I'm a 48 y.o. man trying to reignite his 14 year marriage- 18 years together.

Not some clown in a British sitcom.

I'll be straight. Nothing turns a woman off more than knowing a guy is begging for it. However you spin it, you are. At the end of it all you want sex. And that is your right as a human being but your wife has clearly made it known this is not a priority to her and isn't something crosses her mind honestly (That's the impression I get).

So you have to find out if you can live in a sexless marriage and actually MEAN the answer that you said. Don't say you can and then bring up sex when you know it's not going to get a response from her.

And stop listening to other women give you advice. This woman is your wife. You should know her better than anyone. You know what turns her on, you know she likes to do in the bedroom but it very well could be she just does not want sex anymore!

 

0.54 for the precise line.

 

I cracked up with laughter watching that again.

 

FloridaMan, Pride and Prejudice isn't a british sitcom. It's a period drama based on a highly acclaimed novel. But I think the reason it was brought up was because you say things like 'XY and Z sound quite sweet to a womans ears' and 'women love that stuff'. I'm sure it must be tough being in a sexless relationship but equally it must be tough for her to listen to all this sex talk. She might succumb to the pressure you're applying but it doesn't mean she's gonna be happy about it. Pressure is such a HUGE turn off.

I cracked up with laughter watching that again.

 

FloridaMan, Pride and Prejudice isn't a british sitcom. It's a period drama based on a highly acclaimed novel. But I think the reason it was brought up was because you say things like 'XY and Z sound quite sweet to a womans ears' and 'women love that stuff'. I'm sure it must be tough being in a sexless relationship but equally it must be tough for her to listen to all this sex talk. She might succumb to the pressure you're applying but it doesn't mean she's gonna be happy about it. Pressure is such a HUGE turn off.

I'd also like to point out that what one woman likes to hear, another doesn't. Never assume 'women like to hear this' as if it applies to all women.

Don't know man your situation sounds suspicious.

...Yes.....I was thinking that very same thing.

I'll be straight. Nothing turns a woman off more than knowing a guy is begging for it. However you spin it, you are. At the end of it all you want sex.

What evidence points to that inaccurate assessment, esp. after this post I made ealier in this thread?

Later, I told her I would still love her even that if she wouldn't ever ML with me again. I also told her I could live with just the cuddling -- and the longggggggggg kisses -- but don't hold me to it (she laughed as she knows my need).

 

Also told her how much I miss her and am lonely as hell and nothing without her.

I hear women just love to hear that kind of thing.

 

When I asked her if she believes I'm really trying to be a better spouse and treat and love her better, she said, "You want sex."

....

I answered her:

"Yes, that was true at the start.

I realized I needed more sex with you and how I miss it.

But now that we're more emotionally close, I know that I want you more than the sex..."

So pouring my heart, feelings and emotions out like that, all that means I'm just out for sex?

Sex is said to be a good barometer of the state of a marriage. If sex is good in the marriage, it's about 10% of the marriage. If a couple isn't regularly ML, sex accounts for about 90% of the discord.

If a man goes long periods without having sexual acceptance from his loving wife's body, he can find himself frustrated and gets edgy... A woman who rations her physical affection thus causes unnecessary arguments.

And that is your right as a human being but your wife has clearly made it known this is not a priority to her and isn't something crosses her mind honestly (That's the impression I get).

So you have to find out if you can live in a sexless marriage and actually MEAN the answer that you said. Don't say you can and then bring up sex when you know it's not going to get a response from her.

I do love her, but of course want to resume marital relations. Who wouldn't?

Marriage isn't like other relationships. I'm not some roommate.

We ML before we got married, but then it has dwindled to a near trickle. That's fraud and deceit in marriage and something many view as near adultery. She never asked me if I was comfortable with going without. It has driven me nuts.

What if all the sudden I stopped doing other things in the marriage - like going to work, mowing the grass, doing laundry, making meals, or things husbands normally do.

Oh, I just don't "feel like it..." anymore.

Oh.... now I'm getting even angrier!

Didn't start this thread to go over all this and build up resentment.

And stop listening to other women give you advice. This woman is your wife. You should know her better than anyone. You know what turns her on, you know she likes to do in the bedroom but it very well could be she just does not want sex anymore!

Am reading books and have solicited online advice bec. I can't do this on my own. I can't read my wife's mind and don't understand women. I do know what it feels like to be rejected by them - had enough of that during my 20s -- and am feeling some of that now. I need all the help I can get.

Just like Janeiac here has offered me some constructive advice from a woman's perspective in this thread and others, things I might not otherwise have thought of.

The way in which you say you will be fine without sex but yet still complain about not getting it. I know someone who is in the same position as you. He had a decision to leave or stay and he stayed but he doesn't nag his wife for it because he knows she doesn't want. He handles it himself and the few times a year they do it.

And I'm sorry but she doesn't have to ASK you if you are comfortable with going without or not. It's HER body, not yours, even if you are her husband. She clearly does not want sex anymore. You either got to be on board with that or get off the horse and find someone who matchs your sex drive because I promise you, pushing and pushing her for sex when she clearly doesn't want it, is only going to push her away from you emotionally as well.

Originally Posted by Betrayed100

Don't know man your situation sounds suspicious.

...Yes.....I was thinking that very same thing.

Suspicious? Of what?

Instead of speaking in riddles, how about being a little more direct?

You'd espouse the same thing if a man ignored his wife sexually? After all, it's HIS body, not her's, right? (I don't believe that selfish attitude either).

No spouse has a right to unilaterly call an end to LM in a marriage.

And yes, men withhold from their wives almost as much as women, as evidenced on the sexless marriage forum that I used to participate in.

The wife/husband should give in to the other's desires ON A REGULAR BASIS even if he/she "doesn't feel like it" or has a low drive.

Why? Bec. spouses are tempted all day at work and in the real world and could easily stray. It's not the other spouse's fault for an affair, but a frigid woman or a woman who rations LM is one that unkowingly could cause her husband to look elsewhere.