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I fancy him, i think he fancies me - but he's married.


lemonline

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Im guessing this is not the first time a post like this has come up, and i hate the fact that i have fallen for a married man.

 

Ok, so... I seriously need some good advice here. Honest, good, advice.

 

I recently got myself a new job. Now the man in question, is in his early 40's and he is very attractive, ticks all my boxes. He has an amazing voice, he's intelligent, funny, he has a hott smile, im completely infatuated with him. Im 20 years younger than him. And he loves that fact.

 

I get the impression as i would from a married or single man, that he fancies me. Now im not stupid. I know hes not about to give up his wife and kid for some little bit on the side. He's probably bored, the most i would ever get from this is him having a wank over me when he's alone in the shower.

Anyway, he's really flirty with me. Hes always making stupid excuses to talk to me, He keeps lending me CD's to listen to. He craps himself sometimes when were talking, like i can see him shaking a little. He has the most beautiful eyes i have ever seen. Today i saw him and we just looked at eachother and said nothing. He looks at me like hes trying to me with his eyes and i cant stand it.

 

He is everything i admire in a man. He's has a good working background like my father, and i admire that. He's a good man. And thats just it. If he ever came onto me, in my eyes, i would be getting what i want, but would he no longer be a good man?

 

I want him so bad though. Im trying to be good. Im a Catholic and im trying to save myself for marriage. I have never, in my whole life, wanted to be by a man as much i do this one. I just have to think about his face, and how he looks at me, and i just want to touch myself. He turns me on so bad. I want him all the time. And im so scared that im never gonna meet someone who turns me on like that. He just walks into the room and he's already turned me on. Yeah yeah, i probably just need to get laid, whatever, but even when i had oral sex with my ex boyfriend i had to think of porn to get me off. He did turn me on of course, but he couldnt make me come, and this married man, makes me come so hard its unbelieveable. And he has no idea how i have thought about him. I am in awe of him. I worship him. I cant stop thinking about him. I dont know what to do. I want to be with him, and be a good woman to him. I want to make love to him every day, give him what his wife doesnt.

 

Sorry if that was a bit heavy, but i needed to let it off!

 

Any advice readers?

 

Dazed and Confused,

Lemon x

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Take control of your thoughts and reduce the amount of contact you have with him. He's married.

 

I have already tried this. I took myself to another part of the company where it was impossible for me to see him. Only then he started calling me over the phone with excuses!

I really want to let it go. But i cant get the opinion out of my head, that, how does he know that the woman he's with is the one? How can anyone know? In fact they dont, which is why divorce exsists. This man has already been divorced once. I dont want to let go, i want to have him. I know its going to kill me, i know its going to break his life apart, but since when did anyone listen to the head over the heart even if they tried? I cant help myself. But i need to get some other sort of distraction.

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This is lust lemonline, not love, and if he's the type of man to have an affair what kind of lasting relationship do you expect? Let's say you convinced him his wife wasn't "the one" and he then goes off with you. Once the novelty of that relationship wears off, he'll be eyeballing someone else. You are allowing yourself to become deceived. No lasting good can come out of breaking up a marriage. There are entirely too many single men out there for you to be going after this guy. Let it go and stop allowing your daydreams to convince you that you are better for him than the woman he married.

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I think the best thing for you would be to go out and meet people. Volunteer. Surely there is something you are interested in - volunteer for habitat for humanity on your own or with your church group, or sign up for some other volunteer situation that puts you in contact with a bunch of folks. It will take your focus off of him and split it among others. And if you feel you are making a difference, your mind won't feel like you need his approval.

 

By the way, just because a man has been divorced once, doesn't mean he will be again. Plenty of people marry young or don't meet the right person and the second time's the charm. Don't assume he would leave his marriage just because he did (or his ex wife did) before.

 

Also, why are you thinking about affairs if he never offered one? Could it be possible that you are overinterpreting his interest? Also, it could be that you are turned on because he is not available to you because he is a coworker and because he is married. I don't think you should leave your job just yet and learn how to manage your crush, because that is what it is. In a few months you may realize he is not so dazzling or in your mind you will just acknowledge that he is handsome but is not for you. I know easier said than done, but with some fresh air, and meeting new people you might think differently.

 

If you have so much pent up sexual frustration - you said "maybe you need to get laid - go for hikes. Get some good honest physical exercise in you. it does wonders for making the sex drive not so urgent. And if you want to read steamy erotic books (the brain is a powerful sex organ - for some it doesn't have to be anything graphic to read. It can be pretty standard issue romantic stuff) or masturbate if you are comfortable with it.

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Thanks for your advice guys,

 

I have thought about getting a new job, but im doing really well, i have made so many friends, and there are not many jobs out there right now. So im stuck. I dont think that i am better than the woman he married. But i do believe that if he is looking and flirting with another girl, then something is missing. His woman should keep him so satisfied that he wouldnt even bother with me. I dont know. It annoys me to think i am wasting my time on him. But i cant help seeing how well we get along, how he is everything ive been looking for. I look at other men his age, famous men for example, like Sean Bean, who just divorced his FOURTH wife? what the fridge? and hes getting to an age where he should just settle right? i cant work out if marriage these days is just an excuse for a man to collect women.

 

Anyway, my opinion on it is so strong. Even Oscar Wilde said one should always be in love that is the reason one should never marry. The kids dont give a man. Whether their parents are together or not. They grow up faster than i ever remember. What if we have an affair when if i eventually find a single man? thats even worse right? Shouldnt i just have a fling with this man to get it out the way and get over it?

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This is lust lemonline, not love, and if he's the type of man to have an affair what kind of lasting relationship do you expect? Let's say you convinced him his wife wasn't "the one" and he then goes off with you. Once the novelty of that relationship wears off, he'll be eyeballing someone else. You are allowing yourself to become deceived. No lasting good can come out of breaking up a marriage. There are entirely too many single men out there for you to be going after this guy. Let it go and stop allowing your daydreams to convince you that you are better for him than the woman he married.

 

You don't need to read another post. Fries post is the best advice you could get. Put your hormones away. He obviously likes to flirt with you. Men at that age feel invigorated when talking to a pretty young thing. Being that he's married, flirting isn't right but at least he hasn't made a move. If he did, would he still be attractive to you since he would now be a cheater? Would you want to be responsible for his divorce? How would his kids feel? I bet his marriage to his wife is just fine. He just makes it sound like she's mean to him to gain your sympathy. It's amazing what people will believe.

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Keep in mind he could be talking the same way to everyone and you are just interpreting it as flirting through your love goggles. NO, do not have a fling with this man. And you are drawing a really strange conclusion assuming this man is "collecting women". As far as I am concerned, he is showing you a little kindness. If he was not attractive and was not your type, you would think of him lending you CDs as "just being nice." Also, could it be that he is talking freely with you and possibly other coworkers its because he is happy and content in his marriage and you are attracted to a self-assured, content guy. Actually, his marriage is non of your business. Are people supposed to not talk to anyone else and hold their head down if they are married?

 

I really think that you are not sure what end is up. If you have strong convictions about saving yourself for marriage, even though you have dabbled with sex, having thoughts of an affair with a married man is completely against the spirt of the sentiment. if you feel that marriage is sacred - your future marriage is NOT the only one that is. Please respect the ring on his finger and his wife. Sometimes life works out that way where the person who ticks our boxes is a hollywood actor we will never meet or someone who is not available but be patient, you'll have your turn.

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You need to reduce your contact with him to work related discussion only. These thoughts will only go away when you change your environment so that you speak to him less, and in a professional manner. He's married, so don't choose to be a bit on the side. You must have low self esteem if you can convince yourself that you deserve only half a relationship.

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How am i able to get over someone i have not yet had? Im trying so hard to listen to you all. But how is it possible when he is all i want and i compare every single man to him? Ive had an affair with a married man before. But not this bad.

 

Then this is about you, not about what he is doing. You are actively trying to want to like him and you have no boundaries when it comes to marriage. You just don't respect it at all. And maybe you didn't click with your ex boyfriend because he was actually available unless he was the married man. It might be something in you that you love to chase someone who isn't available. I really do recommend expanding your horizons or even counseling, as it is not just an attraction issue but a self-esteem issue if you have a habit of going after people that will never be truly yours

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When you say you're saving yourself for marriage, what does that mean? You mention sex with an ex and a previous affair with a married man. You don't seem to really think marriage is very valueable by the way you describe it and wonder why people bother (in addition to thinking that you should be able to have an affair with this man and assuming his wife isn't cutting it)......I'm wondering what "saving yourself" means if you've already had sex and why your own marriage would be something to value in advance when you don't respect marriage as an institution and this man's marriage in particular?

I'm confused.

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The other thing I want you to consider is to read up on codependency. There was something you said about not thinking you were better than the wife, but that he must have a need that isn't being met. It is as if you are wanting to rush to fill it and be that to him. i battled with codependency myself. It is more than just a healthy want to help someone out. You should want a man who you don't perceive as lacking anything but who is whole and that he doesn't need you, but chooses you. You are willing to compromise yourself just because you perceive a need that may not be there. It feels like something different than "oh, he's cute" and moving on. So he's McDreamy - that's fine but there is a difference between having a healthy admiration and what's going on.

 

I think you need to have a good sit down with yourself to come up with your own rules and your own boundaries on what you will and will not accept and don't comrpmomise them.

 

btw, its okay to have fantasies. Heck, I don't want Hugh Jackman's wife knowing what I was thinking about one time...lol But when they cross the line is when you start contemplating action or when you start thinking of their partner or spouse as a rival or when it gets in the way of you being able to establish a healthy relationship with someone else.

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Then this is about you, not about what he is doing. You are actively trying to want to like him and you have no boundaries when it comes to marriage. You just don't respect it at all. And maybe you didn't click with your ex boyfriend because he was actually available unless he was the married man. It might be something in you that you love to chase someone who isn't available. I really do recommend expanding your horizons or even counseling, as it is not just an attraction issue but a self-esteem issue if you have a habit of going after people that will never be truly yours

 

I think you have described it right.

 

Im sorry to confuse, there is a past here. I ended the affair with the married man, because i got bored. I have never had sexual intercourse, but have had oral sex with my first boyfriend, who, yes here it comes, left me for another woman. Now, i like to say the reason i dont want actual sex before i am married is because im a Catholic. But my first experience of sex, was forced. The man who assulted me was arrested and went to prison. I was 18 at the time. So it probably has something to do with that but i cant work it out. I think if i am not the one who is being cheated on, then i am safe. If i already know that the man is a cheating bad man, then i have nothing to worry about. I dont have to worry about who he's calling, texting, going out with, because i know.

 

I cant take counsilling. I hated it before. Hence why im here. I cant fathom talking to someone whos paid to talk to me. Its just a job to them. So there it is! I expect i am just infatuated. And once its faded its faded. But i am so afraid of falling in love with him.

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What don't you like about counseling? Do you not like it when you find out your thinking is flawed or when you dig deep inside you? People are not just paid to talk to you - sometimes they got into counseling because something happened to them and they have a serious commitment to want to help others and have the tools and the knowledge to know what helps. You have figured out a lot. You aren't following what you logically should do, but some counselor did their job for you to realize all this at least "on paper". If you came up with this before counsling, then its time to put it to action. If sex was forced, there are support groups for that where you can meet other women (and men! men can be victims too) who have gone through it, too. You will meet women where it just freshly happened and women who have conquered their demons and can offer lots of help to you.

 

I think that waiting til marriage - I don't consider having had oral sex waiting but that is just my personal opinion - is something that you are hiding behind but on the other hand, examine what it really means to people that are doing that sincerely - they are saying to others "i am worth the wait". Whether you end up waiting for the official act or not, I hope you take on that attitude that you are worth it. Don't let yourself settle for someone who is having sex with someone else or who is not there to give you their full attention. If you start thinking that you are darn worth it, maybe you wil get the idea of these married guys off of your mind and think they are not worth your time

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Thing is, i like this man for who he is. I dont look at him as married. I see him as a man still with his own personality. And i am attracted to him. Counseling and support groups is a no no for me im afraid. I cant deal with all that. I rather would talk on here or to friends. I had a bad time with these things when i was younger, and they really did not help. They just patrionise me. Because they think i dont know anything because i am too young.

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When you think of all the characteristics of your theoretical ideal man, does 'unavailable' feature in it at all?

 

When you say that you 'don't look at him as married' - honey, you've GOT to! Being married doesn't stop someone having their own personality, but, if they've got any character or morals, it SHOULD be a non-negotiable barrier to them having a relationship with anyone else.

 

If you only find yourself really attracted to men who aren't available, you really need to address this - in whatever way works for you - or you're going to cause yourself a lot of loneliness, pain and heartache.

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Sorry to hear about you being forced to do stuff you didn't want to. That can really do a number with your trust issues. As far as this married guy. You've gotta learn to distance yourself from him. Being with him will lead you down a road you will eventually regret. I don't know if that avatar picture is of you or not, but if it is, you will definitely finding another guy. Hopefully he will be the right one. This one is NOT the right one.

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He is married, whether you see it or not. I do wonder why you find yourself going after unavailable men. I think that's something you do need to address, as nutbrownhare said. Sometimes people go after unavailable men as a sort of defense mechanism. I have no idea why you do but you need to find out why.

 

I'm not pushing any morals on you and telling you it's "wrong" to do this or that but I simply ask you to put yourself in the wife's shoes. How would you feel if you were married and your husband started a relationship with another woman, who agreed to it knowing full well that he was married?

 

Yes, something is probably lacking in his marriage. But that's no one's business or fault but his and his wife's. It doesn't give you a green light to go ahead and cheat. If he wanted to be with someone else, he should tell his wife he's seeing others or (even better) break things off with her so he can be single again.

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Thing is, i like this man for who he is. I dont look at him as married. I see him as a man still with his own personality.

 

I'm not sure what this means. The fact is that he is married and that is not incompatible with having his own personality or having a wonderful personality that you find attractive. Not looking at him as married is a huge problem because, quite frankly, it means you are not living in reality when it comes to him. That can become incredibly dangerous. You know what you need to do (distance yourself as much as possible) so you just kind of have to do it. There is no other way around this and you can't really ease into it...you just have to make the decision and cut him out of your life for any purpose other than strictly what is required to do your job effectively. Free yourself emotionally to be with another man who is available to be with you. When you do find that man, you will not look kindly on other women trying to make a play for your man. No marriage is perfect and all have moments where they aren't working so well...doesn't mean the marriage overall isn't great. Don't be one of those women who goes after married men. It's just not fair to the wife and you know that. Even though she is a stranger to you, have the common courtesy to leave her marriage alone.

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Thing is, i like this man for who he is. I dont look at him as married. I see him as a man still with his own personality. And i am attracted to him. Counseling and support groups is a no no for me im afraid. I cant deal with all that. I rather would talk on here or to friends. I had a bad time with these things when i was younger, and they really did not help. They just patrionise me. Because they think i dont know anything because i am too young.

 

Go ahead and do it. I hope his wife figures out and leaves his sorry butt after the fact. If he is the kind of guy who get distracted this easy, he doesn't deserve to be with a loving wife, but rather unstable girls with low moral standards.

 

btw, you are keeping yourself for marriage so apparently you think highly of marriage, yet you have no respect for other people's marriages, that's just utterly selfish. Hate to say it, but I highly doubt you can find true love if you keep having affairs with married men.

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