Would you tell her to stop obsessing?

A friend of mine is coming to me, asking for advice because I have been in a long term relationship before. One of her good friends was recently dumped by her boyfriend and she is having a really hard time with it. My friend tells me she is bringing him up in every conversation, even though it has nothing to do with him and she is also talking to her ex's friends about him, etc. Apparently she is just really obsessing over it and it's getting annoying.

But really, the break up came out of no where and so I feel really sorry for her. My friend is wondering if she should say something to her friend about the way she's acting - ie. the obsessiveness and the constant talking about him.

I suggested to her that she just wait it out because it will stop eventually. But then I thought, I am not in the situation so I don't really know how it is.

What do you think?

Is telling a friend who just got dumped by her boyfriend of over 6 months to stop obsessing about it (perhaps in kinder words) fair? My friend just doesn't want to offend her at a time like this but is kind of embarrassed by the way she is acting.

Thoughts?

if i couldn't tell what i wanted to my best friend and instead she told me to stop obseesing, however nice she would put it, i would be very offended...she needs to talk about it to get over it IMO

if i couldn't tell what i wanted to my best friend and instead she told me to stop obseesing, however nice she would put it, i would be very offended...she needs to talk about it to get over it IMO

That's what I was thinking. My friend said if she has to say something she will do it in a very nice way.. but I think saying it in any way is going to hurt her friends feelings.

How long has this been going on?

Bringing her "obsessive" behavior to her attention might help her come back to reality and help her realize what she's doing to herself.

Instead of mentioning the word "obsessing," or any other synonymous word, you could try telling her something like, it would be in her best interest to stop thinking about him. Tell her things that would help her believe that the break up wasn't her fault. Of course this is easier said than done, but you can at least help her see from the other perspective.

How long has this been going on?

Bringing her "obsessive" behavior to her attention might help her come back to reality and help her realize what she's doing to herself.

Instead of mentioning the word "obsessing," or any other synonymous word, you could try telling her something like, it would be in her best interest to stop thinking about him. Tell her things that would help her believe that the break up wasn't her fault. Of course this is easier said than done, but you can at least help her see from the other perspective.

They broke up last Saturday. So I am assuming since then. And I agree, obsessing is a harsh word.. probably not the one my friend would actually use.

Some people need to talk to get over it. I'm one of them. If a friend tells me to stop obsessing or that I'm talking about it too much, I repress my feelings and it takes me longer to feel better. And then I start wondering exactly how much I can trust that friend. I don't believe that friendship exists in only good times, and I'd be upset if a friend basically shut me down over something that I needed to talk about.

I'd suggest just bringing it to her attention in a nonthreatening way. Like "Have you noticed that you talk about him a lot? I'm here for you when you want to talk, but I want you to see how you're making everything relate back to him. It might not be healthy for you". That way it's not making it feel like she's wrong for talking about it and demonstrates the friend's concern for her. And if your friend keeps getting frustrated about it, she should keep helping her see how much she's talking about it. That way the friendship remains, and no one is telling someone that they are wrong because their method of healing is different.

Good advice. Thanks, that would be a good way of saying it to her!

Good advice. Thanks, that would be a good way of saying it to her!

Glad I could help!

From what I understand it hasn't been that long since she was dumped, so it seems natural that she needs to get her feelings out. In a few weeks if she doesn't seem to progress then someone might want to recommend that she might look into some counseling to help her find ways to focus on other parts of her life. Again, it should be done in a concerned and non-judgmental way.

Glad I could help!

 

From what I understand it hasn't been that long since she was dumped, so it seems natural that she needs to get her feelings out. In a few weeks if she doesn't seem to progress then someone might want to recommend that she might look into some counseling to help her find ways to focus on other parts of her life. Again, it should be done in a concerned and non-judgmental way.

Yes, that's what I told my friend.. I said that she can't keep talking about him forever, it will die down.

She broke up on Saturday? That's not even a week. If we would tell everyone on ENA to stop talking about their exes after a week, we could close down the site!

She broke up on Saturday? That's not even a week. If we would tell everyone on ENA to stop talking about their exes after a week, we could close down the site!

That is the truth!

I think the website is a bit different, though. The way my friend described it is that no matter what they are talking about, she somehow brings him up in conversation and she will also go to his friends and talk to them about him. I think my friend fears she is making a fool of herself. But in all honesty, I say let her do her thing and heal. If it was me, I wouldn't want someone to tell me to stop or I would just feel stupid.

If it was me, I wouldn't want someone to tell me to stop or I would just feel stupid.

Maybe I have a messed up way of looking at things, but for me, having that feeling of "stupidity" is what would help me move on/stop obsessing.

Nonetheless, 6 days is not very long at all. For the sake of fairness and respect, I would give her about another 3-4 weeks before saying anything.

They've only been broken up for a week and your friend is already tired of listening to her? That's not being a good friend! It's only been a week, she's probably still in shock.

They've only been broken up for a week and your friend is already tired of listening to her? That's not being a good friend! It's only been a week, she's probably still in shock.

No, it's not like that. It's just I think she is more worried about her than anything. And is worried someone else might say something to her, but in a not so nice way. The friend who came to me with this is a good friend, I know she means well.