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Things have changed. I have completely forgiven my rapist, his accomplice, and my ex-fiance. I'm over the rape, I'm over it all. As a result I've lost 63lbs. of the weight I gained after my rape. I feel free.

Everything in my life seems to be falling into place, and I'm happy.

I think that most times, I choose to avoid the unpleasant things in life. I honestly believe that if there is something I need to deal with, God will bring it to my attention in one way or another....

There is one, small, traumatic event that occurred in my life about 5 years ago. I don't talk about it, and for the most part I don't think about it. However, recently, it has, again, been brought to my attention.

My cousin and I were speaking the other day, and she brought up one of the people involved in the event. I don't know why she bought him up, or why I started talking about the situation. My cousin is kind of aware of the situation. When it occurred, she was furious and was determined to punish those involved. Anyway, I started talking about the situation a little bit. I surprised myself because it's something I don't discuss, and I was calm in discussing it.

I had an appointment, so I ended the conversation with my cousin. For some reason, after we finished talking, the event repeatedly replayed itself in my mind, and I felt down all day.

I don't like memories, unpleasant memories, having control/influence over me or my mood. However, I was unable to focus on anything else.

I know that it's bad to have secrets. I know that if I never spoke of my rape, I would have never gotten over it.

Getting over rape took sooooo much time, energy, effort, support, and prayer. I'm just so very glad that it's all over. I'm a little bit disappointed that I have something new to deal with now. Although it's really something old I never took the time to address.

It's not something I would ever tell my parents, no use in worrying them. It isn't something I'd discuss with my friends. It isn't something I'd discuss with my cousin (I don't know why I opened up to her as much as I did). So, I'm not quite sure what I'll do.

I don't have any harsh feelings towards any of the people involved. The situation was just really very scary for me. Avoiding memories has been easy for me, because no one really knows about it except for my cousin (she doesn't know the entire story). My cousin, however, mentions this guy randomly. She always seems to talk about him out-of-the-blue and it throws me off completely. It takes me a few days to re-group. I think it's silly, nothing should have that kind of effect on me.

I don't want to hash out the situation, it seems pointless. I can accept what happened. It's just makes me sad when I think of it. I don't know why I feel the need to keep it a secret either. I wish I would have brought it up when I was going through therapy for rape, but naturally the rape took priority.

I'm just getting myself back, my life is finally becoming wonderful again. I want to rid my closet of skeletons once and for all. I'm just not sure how to make the process quick and painless.

One of my really close friends is having a difficult time right now. I feel really sorry for her. Growing up is hard, there are tons of surprises along the way. I understand how she feels. It's so good to have close friends though it’s nice to know you don’t have to go through life alone.

For the longest time I wasn’t able to confide in my friends. My friends always came to me for advice and comfort. Once when I was young, I remember opening up to a friend about a problem I was having. My friend had no comment and looked really uncomfortable. I realized then, that my friends didn't expect me to have any problems. They always made comments like, "You are always happy", and "Nothing ever bothers you", etc. etc. I didn’t want to disappoint them, or make them uncomfortable, so I didn’t open up to my friends about any issues in my own life. I opened up to my journal instead.

I'm really happy to now have friends I can be open with, it's nice. There are only 2 friends I feel I can be open with and receive support from.

The friend spoke with tonight is wonderful. She knows my past and I know hers. She accepts me for who I am, and I accept her for who she is. We can be honest with each other, which is really great. We’ve fallen out before, and have become close again. We both work on our friendship, and our friendship is something I really appreciate.

Another really wonderful person has become apart of my life. I really love her. She's super sweet, we get along really well, and she calls me her sister, which really means a lot to me. I feel that I can depend on her. She loving, wise, and understanding.

It's nice to have friends to depend on.

After the issue with the last girl Ariel, I didn't think I would ever be able to have friends again. I didn't think I'd ever be able to trust another woman. I thought that was the end for me, so it feels really good to have girlfriends that I can trust. It's really wonderful.

I’ve been feeling a little tired recently. I don’t get enough sleep, so that puts a strain on my body overtime. I’ve been eating a lot of junk also, over the past few weeks. I do that when I feel stressed. I then stay up late to work off all the calories, so that is strenuous also.

I think my age stresses me; I feel old.

I want a family, but I don’t even date. I want to date, when I think about the time passing me by, but I don’t feel ready. I feel pressure though, because I know women who have difficulty getting pregnant. I just don’t know what to do. I believe things will work out though. I know everything will work out perfectly, I just have to have faith.

I've had a few bad experiences with the opposite sex, but it won’t hold me back. I am open to the idea that there is a wonderful guy out there that is perfect for me, and once we meet, we’ll make each other really happy.

It’s amazing how quickly life passes by, I remember, many times in the past, wanting my life to go by quickly. I really wasn’t enjoying my time on earth. I don’t really feel that way anymore. I realize that it goes quickly, and I just want to enjoy it while I have the chance. There are so many things I want to do, for me. There are so many fun things I can do before my time here ends.

I really feel like I need a vacation. I want to get away...go someplace nice and quiet where I can be alone.

Tomorrow, is going to be a busy and taxing day. It's my first day off of work and I won't be able to sleep in.

I'm going to see a family friend who is dying of cancer, and that's going to be hard. I'm really looking forward to seeing her, but I don't know what I'll do. I don't cry in front of others, but I know I'll definitely feel the sadness. It's just really hard. I'm going to miss her a lot.

Anywho, I've been eating a lot lately because of everything. I handle things pretty well, outwardly, for the most part. I keep them inside, the feelings, but they still come out in the end.

My Grandma has Alzheimer's disease, that isn't easy to deal wtih. It's just never nice to see someone you love in pain, or discomfort.

I just want time alone, a day to just be. My schedule is so busy though. I have such a busy day tomorrow. I just need time alone, to sort things out in my head, so that I'm not spending a lot of money I don't really have and eating everything in sight.

I, weirdly enough, feel a little bothered by an incident that happened a while ago. It's not something that I'm focusing on right now, thank goodness. When it was mentioned though, it bothered me to no end. It was strange because I didn't feel anger or any of those emotions. I was just surprised and annoyed. I guess I shouldn't get frustrated about feeling that way; I just don't care to have negative emotions.

(opps I fell asleep)

I've been thinking about the whole "love covers a multitude of sins" verse. I'm kind of thinking about it in regards to past relationships I've had. When I've been in relationships where things aren't ideal, I tend to overlook it. Like if a boyfriend says something really mean, I tend to just ignore it. Naturally the behavior continues. Maybe they were just waiting for a reaction, who knows.

With a relationship like that I mostly share the wonderful things about that person with friends or family. In a couple of instances I wasn't able to hide the negative aspects of the relationship from my friends or family, because they noticed things from their own observations. When the relationship(s) end, then I begin to open up (complain) about all of the horrible things that happened during the relationship. I think it's kind of silly to complain about things after the relationship is over, but I also don't want to complain about things when I'm in a relationship.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out exactly how to handle relationships. Firstly, I know I have to pick someone I'm compatible with, however there is no guaruntee in that.

I'm also wondering how much disrespect I should tolerate in a relationship, because I can tolerate an awful lot. Are there really any guys out there who are always on their best behavior anyway?

There is one relationship I was in....the person I was with really loved me, and I know that. We could really relate to each other, we had fun, and I loved him a lot. It's just that when he was angry or stressed he'd take out his anger on me by saying or doing things that he knew would really hurt me. He used to always tell me that he wished he had met me at a later time in his life. I am a sensitive person, but I used to be super sensitive. He also liked to sleep around a lot because he was accustomed to it so...I don't know, it just seems like there is always something.

There is someone I work with, and I really admire her because the love she has inside definitely covers a multitude of sins. She is in a bad marriage, but a long time ago she decided it was her lot in life and she was going to have fun regardless. She doesn't have fun with her husband, he's the verbally and emotionally abusive type. She's stuck in the marriage for many reasons, but probably moreso because he controls the finances. There is a lot more to the story, but she has learned not to let things really bother her. She has a carefree kind of personality. Naturally, of course, it gets to her sometimes, but she gets over things quickly. I would like to have that trait. I want to get over everything quickly.

So, when you are in a relationship should you tell your friends and family the bad things that occur, as well as the good? Or should you just keep it to yourself?

My friend at work tells me every bad thing her husband does. Amazingly though she does it with a laugh and a smile. It frustrates her a little bit, but she knows it won't change, so she has pretty much accepted it.

Anywho, I've just started working out with a trainer, today I will have my second session. I'll be working out with other women, so that's good. I'm still not sure how I feel about having a male trainer. I kind of don't want one, but he's not bad. I just remind myself that I'm doing this for me and my body. I lost 65lbs. by working out, on my own, and it was far from easy. I didn't want a male trainer to get credit for me losing the other 40lbs. I know, that's like an ego thing. I can be stubborn like that, I like to do things on my own. Anywho, it's silly, but for some reason, I'm not totally comfortable with the man thing. Oh well, it's obviously something I'll have to get over. Men are different, what can I say?

I think there is more family drama on the horizon. It's just a bit stressful for me because I'm accustomed to just being with my immediate family. I consider us a family. However, in reality I have a HUGE family. I have 22 first cousins. I know lots of my other family members, I've spent time with them, etc. Now that I'm older, for some reason, they seem to be more present in my life. Now that I'm an adult I worry more than I ever did before (which is bad in itself). Sometimes I feel like I have my own issues and problems to deal with and I don't want to deal with problems of my extended family as well. However, I guess it's just another reminder that I should be worrying about anything anyway.

Well I'm off to get ready for the day.

Last night I found out this girl was brutally murdered by her boyfriend. It's super sad. I feel very sorry for her and her family.

I thought about it a bit today. It's just such a sad situation. There are so many dangerous people out there, and the way he killed her was just brutal.

I can just imagine the terror she felt inside, the moment she realized she was in serious trouble.

People do things that are so evil and hurtful, she died in her father's arms. He will never forget that image.

It's the feeling of helplessness...

It's a horrible feeling to witness tragedy unfold before your eyes and know there is nothing you can do to change the course of things. It's very sad.

I feel very lucky, and very fortunate. We all make mistakes. He mother knew something was wrong, but the girl didn't want to ask him to leave the home because she knew he had no where to go.

It's sad because I'm sure she was frightened of him, but she didn't want to be mean, and kick him out on the streets.

I think that so many times people are worried about being "mean" so they ignore their gut instincts, and the consequences can be devastating. It's just really sad. I've been there, and I'm sure a lot of people have been there. You know something is wrong, and you feel uncomfortable, but you don't want to hurt someone else, or make them feel uncomfortable.

Even if it makes you look bad or crazy at the time, you have to follow your instincts. Sometimes you can't always explain it, but you need to follow it.

I remember last year, my friend invited me to her birthday party. I felt obligated, I really felt I needed to go. The problem was that I had this horrible feeling about it. It was the same feeling I had the night I was raped. You would think that the feeling alone would be enough to make me decide against going. Yet despite my feelings I still considered attending the party. I was talking to one of my co-workers because I was feeling distressed and my co-worker told me not to attend the party, therefore I did not go.

I am so glad I followed my instinct, in the end, but I was a little upset with myself for needing reassurance from another person. Anywho, I'm really very glad I didn't go, because if I went, and something bad happened, I would have never been able to forgive myself.

It's not always easy to follow your instincts, but it's best.

Anywho, I feel so sorry for the girl. It's sad that she had to leave this earth in such a horrible way. It just makes you think. You have to be so careful.

I think so many women have a fantasy of the perfect guy, and perfect relationship. I think they then take any guy they find and use him to fulfill that fantasy. It's sad because they want that dream so badly, they tend to overlook or flat out ignore serious warning signs about the person they are choosing to be their "prince charming". It all seems innocent enough, but it can be very dangerous.

When you choose to be in a relationship with someone, the last thing you think of is that person taking your life. However, it's more common than most people care to acknowledge.

It's just sad to think of others hurting. The poor thing couldn't even call for help, but you just know she was wanting it, waiting for help. It's tragic.

I shouldn't think about it too much. My friend told me that these things are rare, and I need to think positively, and "get back out there" in the dating world.

These things aren't rare though.

I realized today, that the most important relationship I'll ever have is the one that I have with God. I shouldn't worry about any other relationship.

I'm one of those women who dreams about price charming, and I know it's dangerous. I need to be grounded, I need to not want it so badly. It has gotten me into so much trouble in the past. I am so grateful I didn't end up like that girl. So grateful. There are times when I've actually listened to my instincts and it saved me from a similar fate. There are also times when I haven't listened to my instincts, and it made my life a million times harder.

Anywho, I'm trying to be a better person, think good thoughts, and be more productive. I'm really bad though because I haven't read my Bible in days...I don't know, I just have a lot on my mind. I also kind of don't like dealing with my feelings. I'm kind of lazy when it comes to that. I just eat or shop instead. It's totally bad.

Anywho, I'm not so sure about this trainer at the gym. He is okay, but I don't like him always in my face. He's trying to encourage me, but he breaks my concentration. I hope I'm not coming accross as mean, but, I don't know, I just don't want to look at him all the time, and it's like he demands attention. He'll get in my line of view, just to tell me I "have good form"..again, and again, and again. It's like, goodness, how am I supposed to concentrate on keeping good form when you're always in my face. I'm trying to be comfortable with the whole male trainer thing anyway. This is totally not helping. But what can I say, I'm a work in progress.

I am feeling so frustrated and upset now.

People are putting so much pressure on me. Everyone is telling me I need to, "get back out there" in the dating world. The number of people that have been telling me this.....and I'm hearing it over and over and over again...and not even from people close to me, from random people, it's reallllly starting to aggravate me.

I mean a lot of people don't know much about me or my history, so I guess that excuses them. Then there are the people who know me, and don't know my history, so okay, I guess I can't be mad at them. And then the handful of people who do know me and know some of my history........regardless of their classification, I just want Everyone to back off! Seriously, I hate hearing about it all of the time.

I know that people care about me, and I guess they are trying to dispense good advice, but right now I'm on complete overload.

One of my friends who knows about some of my history (but we don't talk about it), told me to try harder recently. To try harder. To overlook any obstacles, and just get back out there.

Why can't I just be by myself and..just be. People act like I'm going to be 85 years old tomorrow, and my whole life will have passed me by and I'll be an sad, old-maid (and yes I've been told as much).

Why does it matter?

And no, it's not just the last rape, or the gay fiance that made me decide I wanted a break from men. Those are the two things I fixated on because they were the straws that broke the camels back. I focused on those things because I didn't want to dwell on the tons of other things that have happened in the past. Because I don't want to think about them, you know?

I just want to be me, and get my life together and enjoy it.

And hearing all of these people tell me all of these things about me NEEDing to "get back out there", "Date", "Get a Boyfriend", etc. etc. It's too much right now.

Why do I NEED a man anyway? Why can't I just be happy alone, is that forbidden? Am I not allowed to be alone?

When things like this happen, like when lots of different people keep telling me the same thing, I think that it's something I need to address. Otherwise why would this keep hearing it, and from so many different people?

People ask, "Do you have a boyfriend?" And when I say, "No". I always hear, "Why?" and "Why?" and "Why?" And then I say, "I'm just not interested." And I hear, "Why?" Then people compliment you, and say you're this and you're that, why aren't you dating.

Basically they are just saying, nothing seems to be wrong with you, but apparently something is, so tell me, what's wrong with you.

Honestly, it's easier to be by myself right now. I don't want to think of all of the things I should be working through. There are too many things to work through. I'm over the rape and I'm over the ex thing but now I have all the previous things to deal with, things I never bothered to address.

I guess what is bothering me the most is that I'm starting to feel angry.

I'm generally a sensitive person. My father got upset one day (about a month ago now) and said some things to me that really, really hurt me. He apologized, but the words I still remember. I definitely think that has added to my stress as of late.

I know I have depression, I can accept that, but I manage it really, really well for the most part. Exercising helps a lot. But for some reason I'm feeling really stressed lately.

Things can just be stressful when it comes to close friends and family. They just want you to be like you "used to be", and you hear it a lot. They push you a lot.

New friends and new people are great, because they don't know what you were like and they can accept you the way you are. I don't share any personal information with new friends or people though. As far as they know I'm the happiest person on earth, and they tell me that's what they think of me. Because of that I don't feel like I can share my inner feelings with them, I give them what they expect, what they've come to know. With most people I'm more of a friend to them than the other way around. They call me for support, and I know all of their problems. They know me as a good friend, and a good listener, but if anyone were to ask them to give detailed information about my life, they couldn't.

I think I only have one friend, who knows a lot about me, and actually understands me. So when she got on me about living life and getting out there, that made me much more sensitive about it. I've been hearing it from people for ages, but when she felt the need to confront me on the issue, it really bothered me, a lot.

I love her, I know she had the best intentions, but basically she's telling me to get over it.

She's trying to get me to go out to clubs and have "adult fun" (that's what she is calling it). What if I don't want to have adult fun? She tells me that I don't have to worry, nothing will happen to me when I'm with her. I know it's true, but I just don't feel like going clubbin, or giving guys the time of day when I'm not interested in guys right now. I don't trust them. And it goes beyond the rape, I have had soooo many experiences that I haven't shared with anyone. I just feel that it's not worth it. There are no benefits, none.

I have a fantasy in my head, of the perfect guy. But the difference between me now, and me a million years ago, is that now I know it's a fantasy. It's not real. And I'm over it right now. I just want to be the best person that I can be.

I've just been so stressed lately. I've been eating like a pig, and therefore working out harder so that I don't gain weight.

I'm not going on anti-depressants again, because apparently when I was on them I acted like a monster (according to my mother). I don't know.

I was thinking about joining a rape support group, because then maybe I can talk about some of the other things that have happened. Maybe I can get advice from other people, and there will be no shame because everyone is there for the same reason.

I just need someone to talk to. And my one true friend, I can't talk to about it, because she's going to be like, "Awww", and then her eyes will get glassy and it will just make me cry. Like I need to talk to other people who have been through it, so I don't have to deal with the sympathy aspect, I just want advice. I want someone else to say, "Hey I get it...we can be strong together". I need someone who can really relate, and will make things okay.

I can't tell people I know about things that have happened to me, because it's awkward, and because I don't want to hear that it's a horrible thing that has happened. You know? I just want to hear like, "It's not a big deal, it happens to basically every woman, it's okay, it's tough I know, I can relate". That's what I need. I need to feel that these things are no big deal. Yes, emotions can be difficult to manage sometimes, but just ride it out. I don't know, I just need to talk to someone without seeing them, without having to notice any change in facial expressions.

I need things to be normal. I don't want to feel isolated.

I want someone else to say, "ya I've had lots of bad experiences with men too, I can relate. Let's just forget about men and live life". That's what I need right now.

I don't need to hear, "We are getting older, you're not young, you've got to get out there and get a man, etc. etc. etc."

Being with, or dating the wrong man can completely ruin your life, and that's no joke. I don't see dating as being some fun, carefree, trivial thing you do when you want to have some fun. I see the dating world as a huge field covered with hidden landmines. It's no joke.

I don't think going to a club, and having men trying to grab on you is an idea of a good time. I no longer think drinking, is fun. I just don't. I have not been drunk in ages, and I'm not interested.

Anywho, such is life. I probably will go to a lounge with my friend since she has been beating that dead horse since last year. But I don't want her getting into that emotional deep stuff anymore, like she did last time. It's like she was bringing up everything she could to sale me on "living life". I haven't talked to her since actually. I'm not mad, I know where she was coming from, I just wasn't ready. I'll probably call her so she won't think I'm upset. I know she cares about me a lot, and vice versa, it's just hard talking about some things.

I have no problem writing or typing me feelings, but I don't do that great expressing them verbally, I just choose not to talk about personal stuff.

Anywho, I feel a bit better now that I've typed out my feelings and frustrations. I feel it has taken a load off.

I've been feeling really depressed lately. I had this weird experience where this psycho was waiting for me when I left some place late at night. I don't really want to give details. It really shook me up though.

I don't know if that is what has contributed to my dismal mood lately.

I feel like my nerves are frazzled, and I have tons of anxiety. I just feel really awful.

I want to be alone, I don't want to be bothered by anyone, and I feel like I desperately need a vacation.

The other day I had a bit of a breakdown, but I'm reallly glad about it. I had so many emotions and feelings inside that really needed to come out. I was by myself and I just let it out, it felt really good (not at the time, but afterwards).

I really want help with the depression, but I don't want to take medicine for it. I feel like I manage pretty well for the most part.

I don't know what to do, I just feel really raw. I'm having difficulty dealing with the anxiety. I am able to keep up appearances still, but it's super draining. I'm exhausted after being around people, I just want to be alone somewhere.

I'm not totally sure where all of this is coming from. I just want to be happy. I get tired of the waves of depression that go away, just to come back.

It's weird because I feel I really love myself, but then I feel I must be angry with myself as well. I don't know, I just feel weird lately. I hope it's just PMS, but I don't really know.

I'm at a place in my life where I'm starting to feel free. I can see that I have a future and I'm reaching towards it.

I can thank only God for this enlightenment. Things have been really challenging, but I'm finding that when I take the time to turn to him, share my feelings, and choose to trust him, things get better.

I have been struggling with depression. It's my weakness. I've been eating, too much. I feel a little bit fragile. Despite this, I'm taking positive steps forward.

I can not believe how much time has passed and how quickly. I'm glad that things are changing for the better for me.

I'm trying to heal, from just everything.

I realized recently that I'm a little bitter towards men. I say a little bitter, because since I've discovered this, I've been working through it. It's not good to be bitter because bitterness taints everything. I'm really grateful I realized I was that way, because I didn't have a clue.

I have so many things that I need to work on. I must say that I've been more relaxed the past few days. I'm more comfortable being myself, I don't feel I have to wear a mask 24/7.

I've been afraid for so long now. I always wear a mask; my own version of a poker face. A smiling poker face, LOL!.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. It takes effort to keep yourself guarded constantly. I don't want to do it anymore. It's not worth the energy required to maintain the facade.

I've had an eating disorder...probably since the age of 12. It's a little challenging because I've always been thin. Now I struggle to lose weight.

It's a little hard for me, still. I lose weight, then I gain some back. Not all of it, but just enough. I don't like men looking at me. I don't like men complimenting me. When I lose weight, all of that starts, and I don't like it.

It actually makes me feel angry. Angry because I feel like I have to be extra guarded. I want to be thin, I enjoy being thin, but I don't like the reactions I receive.

I'm a little disappointed in myself, for still having some form of an eating disorder at my age.

My friend wants to go on a road trip, for her birthday. I want to look good when we go. That means I have to lose more weight.

Anywho, enough of that. I know I have a lot of healing to do. I want to be the best version of myself. I want to be able to rest and be happy and be completely immune to worry or fear of any kind.

I purchased a Joyce Meyer book called, "Beauty for Ashes". It's about healing after sexual abuse or assault. I haven't read much yet, it's soooo hard to read. The book itself is not a difficult read, I just have a bit of trouble dealing with that subject matter right now. I'm going to stick with it though, I have to do what is necessary to improve, despite the difficulty.

I'm happy about things in my life. Like, I've had an apartment for a year, and now I'm actually living in it, LOL! I know, crazy. I'm glad I've made it to this point though. I thought I might not ever be able to live alone.

I'm also able to concentrate long enough to study. I haven't been able to study much over the past few years. I just couldn't concentrate long enough...too many worries.

I'm more financially responsible. I'm no longer throwing money away (this has been a challenge).

This are going really well, it's just the growing that hurts.

Things have been going really well for me. I've been really happy. I've been spending time with friends, and getting out. Things have been normal, perfect.

I'm going through a transition in my life now. A good transition, my life is changing, I'm moving on. I'm going back to school which is exciting....but recently, like the past two weeks, I've been depressed. It was kind of subtle in the beginning. Like, something just felt off, but it was nothing major. Now I feel really sad. It's freaking me out a little bit.

I tell myself that maybe I'm afraid of returning to school because I had rough experiences when I was in school before. It sounds logical, but I don't think that's it. So I don't know why I feel so awful. I know that I feel scared, and that's a bad thing. I don't want to feel scared.

I think I'm a little paranoid. I think I'll be super catious, and I'll always look over my shoulder. I'm just afraid that I'll be uncomfortable. Recently I've been thinking of things. Like, for some reason rape is really bothering me, at odd times. I don't fear my rapist anymore, I feel no anger towards him, or the girl. It's like they are gone from my life, which is nice.

I don't really think about them, it's just for some reason, when I dream, or at random times during the day, the subject matter is in my mind.

It's really bothering me. Like, it's not driving me crazy, I just don't know why this is bothering me all of a sudden.

I just feel so sad, when I shouldn't feel sad at all.

Two people I know have died recently, and I don't know if that could be playing a part in it all. I just don't know why I feel so depressed.

I have nice things, I have people who love me, things are okay, but this depression is really getting me down. I don't understand it. I'm just not having pleasant thoughts.

I'm starting a new, happy phase in my life, and the feelings I'm having just don't match up. I'm not supposed to be dealing with depression, because I haven't had to deal with it for a while. It's just a pain. I feel really stressed.

It's at the point where it's a pain trying to be optimistic and upbeat in my work place. It's just weird. There is no one I can really talk to about depression that would understand. Because people always say I'm so happy, it's like I'm afraid to tell them because I don't want to disappoint them.

I've recently gotten into facebook, and I wonder if that is secretly bothering me. I've reconnected with old friends, and it's been nice, but something is just wrong, and I don't know what it is.

Everything is much better now. Thankfully! Things are going well. I'm transitioning right now, and I'm super excited because I'm letting go of one part of my life, and am moving on to another.

Sometimes being patient can be one of the hardest things in the world. I'm just ready to move on already, ahhh!

I'm going through such a weird transition phase right now.

I recently started school again, which I absolutely love! It's very challenging, and it makes me feel so good to work so hard for something.

Anywho, the weird part is...I'm more aware of a character flaw I have. I mean I have a ton of flaws and I thought I pretty much knew about all of them.

However recently comments from friends or family regarding my spending so much of my personal time alone...I don't know, they kind of bother me.

I'm not working Full-time anymore. When people close to me would complain about me not going out or anything, I would always point out that I'm around people alllll the time at work.

I never saw anything wrong with having "me" time, I felt that as long as I was happy it was okay. When I'm around people I get along with them.

I don't know, I guess now I'm becoming more aware of how other people may view it. I make myself inaccessible.

What am I supposed to do about that though? I don't feel comfortable being around everyone all of the time. Anytime I'm around people I'm hyper-conscious about my environment. It's something I can't help. It developed during a time in my life when I needed it for survival.

I can act relaxed and normal in different situations, but I'm not really relaxed, I'm paying attention to everything happening around me all of the time, it's draining.

So what, I don't want to go out? It may be fun for other people but it just isn't fun for me and I don't understand why some people can't accept that.

Is it a crime that I don't want to go out, or spend every waking moment around other people all of the time? At times I feel harassed by friends asking me to go out, or people inviting me places.

No one...except maybe like one really close friend knows I have depression. I honestly don't even think she believes that, because when I'm around her we have so much fun. She just thinks I'm closed up because of fear, from past experiences. She's like the only friend I have that knows me well, and can relate. She has had traumatic experiences as well. She is so much more outgoing than I am. Like people think I'm outgoing, because I can be that way when I'm around people, but otherwise I don't want to be bothered.

Since people, even friends tend to think that I'm totally okay all of the time, they tell be about all of their problems. I'm the supportive one that listens to everything they have to say. That's the purpose I serve, my role, in basically every friendship. I guess it's most comfortable, because it's not like I want to share my problems with everyone...and they don't want to believe that I am a normal person with problems of my own.

Anyway, I just don't like that some people close to me are making it seem like I'm anti-social. Yes, I know I always say, "no" when invited somewhere...but why can't I just be comfortable? I'm more comfortable on my own.

I love my friends, I keep in touch, I talk to them on the phone, do I really have to hang out with them often?

I went to church the other day, finally! It was nice, I feel so guilty when I don't go, and I don't go often enough unfortunately. Anywho, the minister said that in church everyone should be real. You don't have to act like you have it all together all of the time, because that's hypocritical. You're acting one way on the inside, and feeling another way on the outside. He also talked about the whole man-not-mean-to-be-alone thing.

In my life, many times I've made the horrible choice of inviting the wrong people into my personal space. These were people who seemed okay, or normal at first, and the consequences were dire.

It's just hard to change. Especially when it comes to personal life and habits.

I know I had a guy friend, who was close. We talked every day. Then he said something about his ex-girlfriend that bothered me, and I like totally stopped talking to him. I wasn't mad at him, I was just afraid that he was one of those undercover bad people. He just has a really negative view of women. The sad part is that at the time I had a really negative view of men, LOL!

Anywho, I don't have a negative view of men anymore, who knows if that would have changed if we were still talking.

Anywho, he makes little comments sometimes, you know. Like, "I love you, you're awesome", "I'm tired of waiting for your love", stuff like that. He is only attracted to women he believes he can't have though.

I don't know, when a guy who is supposed to be your friend, starts complimenting you all of the time....it's not a good thing.

Anywho, he's nice, he's still around. I don't know.

Anywho, I've wasted enough time trying to figure out my own problems, LOL! Off I go to the gym.

Venting...

I have plans for tomorrow.

I told myself that tomorrow I would spend all day studying, I wouldn't go anywhere or do anything. This thought made me really happy, because being prepared for my classes is important to me, and I have a huge workload.

Anywho, I was reminded that I received and invitation to a person's birthday party tomorrow. I don't want to go. Studying is most important to me, it's my life, it's the path to my future career. Anywho, I'm worried that I'll feel guilty about not going. Correction, that I'll be made to feel guilty. A couple of people are putting pressure on me to go to this party.

I'm not close to this person, the one the birthday party is being thrown for, so why should I blow off studying to go to a party for someone I'm not even close to. To me, it seems silly.

I know that if I don't go, I'll disappoint the people that invited me, and I'm concerned about the consequences.

On top of that, there is some other event I'm supposed to go to, on Sunday. This one I have to go to and I just found out about it yesterday. I have to go because a close friend really wants me there.

Anywho, I guess I'm just annoyed. I think I've made it pretty plain to everyone I know, that I'm busy right now. I have a ton of work to do, and I just feel like nobody is listening. They keep inviting me to places/events, and they expect me to be happy about it. And when I don't sound excited, or like I don't want to go, then I get the guilt trips played on me.

I don't even do that to people. I feel that is someone doesn't want to go to something, or if they are just busy, then they are busy.

And then when I say, "I'll come, but I can't stay long". Then I get the, "Oh...but I really wish you could stay for this". OMG! I'm just like, "I do stuff for you guys all the time, can you understand that doing well in school is something that I need to do for myself?"

I have plans, but for some reason it's like my plans don't count because I'm "studying" I'm not really doing anything, and I can study anytime.

I just want to tell everybody, "No".

One of my friends isn't that happy with me right now, because she keeps wanting to hang out, but I can't right now. And I'm wondering what's going on anyway. She wasn't bugging me about hanging out all the time, until after I started school. I just saw her like, less than 2 weeks ago. I keep telling her that I'm busy, but she has called and texted me so many times about it. I keep telling her I'm busy, I have a lot of work to do, and she's like, "Oh, you can take a break, just see me for 30min."

Anywho, that takes stopping what I'm doing, getting dressed (which takes a while), driving to her side of town, hanging out (for who knows how long, definitely more than 30min.), and then driving home and getting back into study mode (which is a bit of a challenge for a procrastinator). In the meantime she's satisfied, and I'm more stressed because I have less time to do the work I need to do.

Four people are demanding I spend time with them this weekend, and do things. And I've told each of them how busy I am, and they all want to lay on the guilt, and lay it on thick.

I don't know.........I need time to take care of myself. And when I'm hanging out with friends, I'm usually taking care of them.

One of my friends keeps saying she wants to take me out for my birthday. First of all, we already hung out on my birthday. Second of all, she wants to take me out, because she wants it to be her present to me. But guess what, she knows I don't like going out. I told her we could do the movies, because I don't mind that, but no. She doesn't want to go to go to the movies. She said, "I want to go out, I really want to go out". Well that's something she wants to do. So basically it's a present to herself and I'm just along for the ride.

I love my friends, and I'm there for them a lot, but sometimes I feel they are super high maintenance. Honestly. What part of "I'm busy" don't they understand. I mean honestly, when I'm busy, I still stop to answer the phone when they call. Whatever I'm doing, I put it on hold to listen to the latest crisis. But then you want me to leave the house all the time too? I mean I leave the house enough for other reasons, goodness.

I just want to be happy. And I feel happy about school and studying, and learning new things....but now there is pressure to have some sort of social life...um, no.thank.you. Having a social life is not one of my priorities.

I know this sounds really bad, but after spending all this time studying, I just want to relax in front of the t.v., watch a good movie, or search the net. I know that sounds really bad, but that makes me happy.

In January I'll have a lighter course load, so maybe then I can start having a social life, but having a social life is just extra work. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't seem appealing right now.

I feel I've been really good lately. I used to always say no to hanging out. But I've been hanging out with friends a lot over the past few months, so I think that should count for something. So I'm not inaccessible, I make myself available. But nevertheless, it's not enough, and people still complain.

Some people like going out all the time, because it re-energizes them. And that's good. But I'm re-energized, when I have "me" time.

I realllllllly don't want to go to this thing on Sunday. Like really. When my friend told me about it, I was basically silent. We've been friends for a while, so am I supposed to pretend to be excited? Don't get me wrong, like I love this friend so much, and I'm going to her event. And I do love hanging out with her too, it's nice. However if I had a dollar for everytime she has asked me when I'm coming over..........I'd have at least $500 right now. What my friends to don't understand is that although I may seem like an extrovert at times, I'm really an introvert.

I don't know, I just want to be left alone for a while.

I love my friends a lot, I do...I think I'm just in a bit of a mood. I want to hibernate like a bear, LOL! I can't wait for winter by the way. It is sooo hot. I miss the cold and rain. Great indoor weather.

Okay, so things are better today.

I saw this minister on television, and he was talking about friends as part of his sermon. My Mom has been wanting me to watch this sermon on the DVR for a while now, and I just watched it today. It's so good! It's just what I needed to hear.

The minister said that if you're in a group where everyone is coming to you for advice and support, you're in the wrong group. You need a team, people that are willing to do heavy lifting.

So, I know I need new friends. Of course I'm keeping my old ones, but I need people in my life who can support me as well. I had friends at work like this I realized. They know me so well, and I know them so well and we love each other. It's nice because we've been keeping in touch. They know me, so they aren't pressuring me to visit them all of the time like my other friends.

Anywho, basically I need new friends, friends that I can talk to about my problems as well, you know?

This really sweet, cheerful woman invited me to be apart of this Bible study she has. She says lots of women get together to study the Bible. And she mentioned something about hanging out together, and her being excited about making a new friend. I mean she was awesome, super sweet, and funny.

Anywho, it's been months and I haven't contacted her. But the truth is, I need something like that. I need Christian friends who can help and guide me. I need encouragement too.

I know I need to get out of my comfort zone. One of my friends tells me this all the time and it bothers me because I don't like being pushed. And I don't think it's wrong to be by myself sometimes.

Anywho, I'm just going to have to go with it I guess. But I definitely need Christian friends, because it gets rough when you're out their alone. I mean I haven't read the Bible in probably a couple of weeks. I need to be a better Christian.

It's hard sometimes, being around people because of the whole trust thing. I'm going to have to get over that eventually though.

It's difficult because everyone has quirks. I used to accept and befriend everyone, regardless of that, until I learn my lesson. Now, how am I supposed to know the difference between a regular quirk, and something that's an indicator of danger?

Betrayal is just a difficult thing. Of course you can forgive people, but your wounds don't instantly heal once you've chosen to make that decision. It takes time, which requires patience, and I don't always want to be patient.

I'm getting older. I know that one day I want to get married and have a family. But what am I supposed to do when I don't even date? When I don't care to respond when I see a man looking at me? How am I supposed to fix things with myself so that I'm not afraid? It's like I trigger sometimes. It's not a rational fear, but it freaks me out inside.

Like the thought of even holding a guys hand, something that used to be so normal...I can't even really think of that happening.

I don't want to say I'm damaged or scarred, because I feel like such a normal person now, but there is no denying I have some issues. But guys don't necessarily want to hear that.

Like my guy friend...when I just disappeared on him, like I know it hurt his feelings. I apologized, and tried to...I didn't know how to explain my change in behavior to him. He sounded understanding, but he was hurt.

And now, like he's still hanging on a bit, but I also know he doesn't want to be hurt again, and I can't guarantee that won't happen. Because if I feel he's getting too close, or knows too much about me, I may vanish.

How do I overcome that? How do I tell myself to ignore the fear and stay anyway. Because let's face it, he's not trying to be my friend to just stay friends. When he tells me he cares about me, loves me, or thinks I'm the best girl in the world...that's saying something more. So then what if he wants me to do something I don't want to do, because let's face it, this is all heading towards sex. I'm going to say no, and then what? It has the possibilty to become too complicated.

Because how do adults today, date, without sex being involved? Believe me, all of my friends are totally comfortable with their sexual sides. I mean, it seems that if you're going to date someone it's a requirement, and I'm not interested, so...how am I supposed to get from point A to point B? Point A being Single, point B being married with children. I am 28 years old, it's not like I have much time left.

I don't know. Right now, I just need to focus on getting friends who can encourage me the way I encourage the ones I have right now.

I love my friends, and I know I should be flattered that they want to spend so much time with me, it can just be draining sometimes. Especially when I'm feeling down myself, because I feel like they are looking to me to give them something I don't have.

I mean I have knowledge of certain things, and I do give advice, but, while they are looking at me thinking everything is great with me and in my life, I could actually be in pain. And that's hard to hide, that's work to hide. But I'm the one they come to for support, so it's not like I could turn around and break down on them. It just doesn't work that way.

So I'm trying to find a way to deal with my own issues and problems, on my own, but it's really hard sometimes. Sometimes it's hard trying to always encourage myself. Tell myself everything will be okay, and that I'll work through my fears.

Oh well, enough of that.

I've got to study now.

OMG! I just noticed that you can "like" threads on facebook! Scarrryyyy!

Anywho, I'm so excited because I got up in enough time to go to church today!!! Ahhh!!! I really need to go. I really need help, LOL! I enjoy the church I attend soooo very much! It's a wonderful happy place and I just feel good when I leave.

Anywho, something weird. Last week I went to church (although it feels like 3 weeks ago). I was looking for a seat in the back because unfortunately, I was late. Anywho, this guy got up and motioned to a seat next to him. I had to pass in front of him to get to the seat on the other side of him. Anywho, when I crossed in front of him, he put his hands alll over my back, LOL! It was interesting. It's a little funny because I can't believe someone would feel comfortable rubbing someone's back up, and down, and all around in such a short period of time, and not be nervous about getting in trouble.

What's even more funny, is that is didn't disturb me. Usually I don't like guys touching me. And if some person the in a movie theater did that to me, I would have been really pissed. Naturally I wouldn't have said anything, but I definitely would have glared.

Anywho, for some reason, it totally didn't bother me! It actually felt kind of nice, which is sad, but also good, because maybe that means there's a bit of improvement there (ya right).

And then later, we had to get in groups of 4, and the minister said, we don't have to hold hands. Which was great, yet surprising, because he's never added that in before, the thing about not holding hands.

Well, this same guy, like immediately grabbed my hand. And I debated on whether I should grab the hand of the other woman in the group, because I didn't just want this guy and I to be holding hands by ourselves. So, I grabbed her hand. I think she was wondering why, because she seemed a little surprised, but it was less awkward for me anyway.

So ya. I don't know. People are interesting. I mean the guy was nice. He has a big smile, and he seems so happy when he talks. In church they often tell you to say something to the person next to you, first you greet the people in your area, and later the minister will instruct you to say something to your neightbor (he'll tell you what to say). So the guy seems normal, happy.

But then of course I had to think, "Is he too happy?" And you know where I went from there, LOL! You just don't know nowadays.

Anywho, I better get dressed.

It's so funny how I can be "not interested" but still looking. What can I say?

Today was a nice day. I went to church, so that was nice of course. The Minister talked about pressure, which is helpful because I've been feeling a lot of that lately.

I don't know if it's because I'm on my period, but I feel free to say what I feel. And I think it's paying off. I PMS before my period so I've been feeling free to say what I'd like for at least a week now. I think it's paying off.

On of my friends is super sweet and she totally understand that I feel pressured due to my course load at school. She sent me a letter and she said she wants to be there for me because I've been there for her. OMG. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. It makes me feel free to be human. Like, it's okay that I have stressors in my life. I love her so much, and I feel much better now that she understands where I'm coming for, so it's super great!

My other friend, LOL! I love her of course, she's very outspoken. We talked today, after church, and I decided to express a point of view on a subject that was different than hers. It felt sooooo good! She wasn't thrilled of course, because she wants me to agree with everything she has to say. She's not just that way with me,but with everyone.

I had to tell her, "We have different opinions, you are entitled to your opinion, and I'm entitled to mine." She got off the phone with me naturally, that's just the way she is. I feel really good though. It feels nice to use my voice. Like, to actually say things out loud. It feels good to be heard.

Anywho, I still have a lot of studying to do, naturally. I tried to find out about joining a small group at church, but no one was able to tell me how, however I was told to call, and whoever answers the phone can direct me.

I mean, I do see that I have to grow. I have to not fear, and live life, and be around people. If I end up in a dangerous situation I'll just have to trust Jesus to help me out of it.

Oh, something kind of neat someone said in church today was that God uses your greatest fear. I mean, that could have many different meanings to many different people. But in context of everything else in the sermon, I thought of something.

Being raped and betrayed was one of my biggest fears, and it happened. I'm still alive, and I'm better because of it though. So, it's not the worst thing in the world because I've experienced my greatest fear, and I'm still around.

So, I don't know. I feel pretty good. Without pressure and hardship you can't grow.

Anywho, I'm even feeling good about finding a new man, LOL! Babysteps of course.

Anywho, I'm hungry, so I'm off to eat. That's my next challenge, going on a diet, LOL! I used to love dieting, but that was sooo long ago. I used to be so good at losing weight, I had a million different techniques. I've always had a weird relationship with food or lack there of.

Oh by the way! I've just gotten into Facebook, and I'm enjoying it. But then I like my privacy. And apparently they are becoming more invasive! I read and article that says they will follow everything you do on facebook, and every other site. It also says it will tell your friends, and friends or friends which sites you visit! That is not right.

I like this site because it's anonymous. I don't want my friends knowing what I do all the time. I think I might have to let Facebook go.

I totally shouldn't be up right now, but I am.

I went to see my friend, the one that kept asking to see me. Anywho, we got together and it was nice.

The problem; I didn't do any work after meeting with her, which is what I was afraid of. So, now I have to do work, which sucks a bit because it's so late at night/ early in the morning.

Anywho, last night was rough. I was soooo lonely, and sexually frustrated. It's probably because of my period, and because I haven't had sex in almost 5 years now.

Gosh, so I just watched television, and suffered, LOL! And then I took an Ambien to put myself out of my misery.

Patience is hard. It's hard being patient, when you're lonely. I mean, I love work, I love school, when I start studying, I don't care to stop. It's just the whole getting started part.

I'm making new friends in school, which I love. And the two girls I'll be studying with are super sweet.

Anywho, I was looking at old pictures and...they totally make me want to lose weight. But they also helped me feel a little bit better about myself, oddly.

I've always been critical of myself. So, I never thought I was good enough, pretty enough etc. People would tell me I was pretty, but I wasn't really hearing it.

Then I was raped, and after that, after I gained weight, I really didn't feel pretty, but that was kind of the point.

Actually, to be honest, I've always had issues. When I was with my abusive boyfriend, prior to the rape, I didn't even want to leave my room because I didn't think I was pretty enough.

Anywho, the past few days I've been thinking about how to find an identity apart from how I look. Like, when I look at pictures of myself back then, I can see beauty. But I didn't really feel it then, and I mostly don't feel it now.

So if I'm always so critical of myself, how do I just let go of it all. For some reason I think that if I'm not pretty then I'm not acceptable. How weird is that. I like who I am as a person, so why does pretty matter?

I love my mother, she's really sweet. I know she's always talking about being pretty. Like, "Pretty people get jobs, so you need to lose weight, etc. etc." Good looking people get this and that..so you need to..,etc.

I mean, could that be why I feel I need to be pretty? Because if you're not pretty you're not enough? If you're not pretty you don't matter. That's kind of in my head.

Anywho, it's not a good thing, it's a silly thing, so why am I tortured by it?

I don't know. I don't want to think like that.

I know not wanting to leave the house is a depression thing. I had it bad in college before. Of course I've always been able to hide the depression well. But when I was in that bad relationship it got worse. I wouldn't even go to class because I didn't think I was presentable.

I used to just stand in front of the mirror...and just be really down on myself. Then sometimes, my boyfriend wouldn't allow me to wear makeup, it was awful.

I don't know. I'm much better now. I may get depressed, but I don't stay home because I don't think I look good enough. I mean, at this point I'm like, listen, if other people can go out in public and not care, then I can too. I have just as much right to walk around as anybody else.

OMG, if people I knew, knew I thought like this....they totally wouldn't believe it. They would think I really needed help.

Life is hard. It's hard always trying to keep it together. It's hard trying to be strong for others. It's difficult to just be optimistic.

But you have to, because, what is the alternative? Sitting down and waiting for death. Which is absolutely stupid.

In life, you never know what's going to happen to you, who's going to do what, and when...but you know you have to survive regardless. You have to live through everything.

Anywho, looking at the past, past photos...I did have a life, you know? Life was hard, but I lived it, I took more chances.

But let me tell you those chances cost me. I was such a naive little fool. I had lots of fun, and then I had lots of pain. Was the fun worth it? I mean, you have to have fun in life right?

My friend is always bugging me to go out, because she wants to live. That's all she wants to do. I totally dread the thought of going with her or agreeing to it. Maybe I should just go places. What's the worse....LOL! Nevermind.

I mean, if I want to meet someone, I'm going to have to leave my house right? I mean, I can't be afraid of guys if I want to have a boyfriend. I have to take some kind of step.

Just the thought is exhausting.

I have to find a way to meet a decent guy. I think that maybe I need to go to a Bible study of some sort. They have singles ministries, but I don't want to go to that because to me it's like announcing you're looking for someone.

I just want to join a group, and get to know people, and if the right guy happens to be there, we'll go from there.

OMG! I forgot that there was this cute guy I saw a couple of months ago. I thought about him because he recently requested to be facebook friends with someone I know, and that person told me.

I'm shy though. The guys I've dated, they've pursued me. Unfortunately that aggressiveness, doesn't always go so well in relationships. I don't even know that I know what to look for in a guy. It all seems so very complicated, but I'm not getting any younger.

The other day someone brought up my first boyfriend, and asked me what happened to him. They remember he was really into me. He loved me, he was awesome.

I was like 16yrs. old though. If I wanted his imput on something I would get, "Whatever you want to do". I mean it was like I was dating myself.

Anywho, I've thought about him, because he's sweet, and loving. But I kind of want someone who's witty. I'm a romantic, but I want someone with a bit of a smart mouth. Not someone with a potty mouth, but someone I could have fun with; the occassional banter.

I don't know. He would probably go out on a date with me if I could find him. But that wouldn't be good because I'm not interested in him that way.

Maybe I'm just attracted to guys that aren't good for me. The ones I've dated have been kind of into themselves. I like catering to my partner in relationships, but it's not always appreciated. I don't know.

Could it be that if a guy seems like he's really into me, I just can't take it? I think that's it. There are 3 guys I can think of, who seemed really into me, and for some reason it just drove me crazy. It made me feel uncomfortable a little bit. Maybe I'm used to being with people who are critical of me, and when there is someone who isn't critical...it makes me uncomfortable.

That's really bad.

Maybe, just maybe I should try to date someone who seems really into me. Maybe I should see how it goes.

Someone once said, "Dating is not for older people", and I totally agree. Dating is complicated. It's like if you're going to seriously date someone, you have to have sex with them, it's awful.

I'm not saying that sex is awful. I'm just saying the thought of having to do it with someone is.

Anywho, obviously I'm sleep-deprived, so I'm going to bed.

Nighty-Night.

Oh my freakin goodness!!!!!!!!!!!

So I'm being a good girl, sitting up here typing my Statistics notes when I get a phone call. First the call comes to my house phone, a number pops up on the T.v., I don't know it so I don't answer.

Then I get a call on my cell phone number, from the same number.

Anywho, the person on the line is someone I know, someone sweet, but someone I don't talk to often. And she wants to hook me up with one of her family members. Ahhhh!!!!!!

What are the chances, seriously. This is totally a test. I told her, yes, it's okay, I'll give it a try.

And get this! He has the same name as my rapist. I mean, why am I even surprised. Soooo many times I've thought, what if I meet someone who's great, but he has that name.

Before I was like, "never", I would never even talk to someone with that name, but then I forgave my rapist so, such is life.

I mean goodness. I totally think this is a test. I've been trying to work things out in my head, and be rational, telling myself I've got to get out there....

Oh my goodness, this is so crazy, I totally don't do blind dates.

It's so funny, because the person who called me first said, "Okay, now don't get mad at me, and don't freak out, but..."

So that party I was supposed to go to, but didn't want to because I didn't really know the person well. Well they wanted me to meet this guy at the party. Scary.

I am seriously going to have to say a million prayers to get through this one.

I'm calm, it's fine. This is totally bananas.

It's kind of neat and weird at the same time. I've totally been thinking about dating, but I've been dreading it at the same time. I know I'm going to have to do it, but I don't want things to be too awkward.

Please don't let him be psycho. I can't deal with stuff like that anymore.

Crap, I didn't even find out how old he is. I hope he's not younger than me. OMG.

I'm amazed that this totally even happened.

I think it's sweet that someone is trying to play match-maker for me. Most of my friends know not to even try it. If they mention it, they get the death-glare. But this person, she's a good judge of character.

Unlike my cousin who's hooked me up with too many crazy men to count. Sometimes I feel like saying to my cousin, "Do you want me to be an old maid, so I can spend my Golden years watching your grandchildren?"

Anywho, enough of this. I'm going back to work.

I must admit, I am a little bit excited though.

OMG! I had to take a break from Statistics, my new favorite subject, to talk about the Jonathan guy.

He's great so far, the conversation flowed so smoothly, it was good.

He asked about facebook. Like a fool I uploaded college pics yesterday, ahhh!!! So then he's going to see skinny, pretty pictures of me, ahhh!!!!!!

I wish I could say, hey, "the more chunky ones are the recent ones". Now there are just a ton of different versions of me on my page. Now I'm going to probably have to go on a liquid diet.

Anywho, he seems neat, and I hate Facebook, J/K.

I need to get back to stats, such is life.

Spending all day, studying one subject is useless. I can't believe it's almost 2am.

Anywho, I really enjoyed talking to that guy, but I saw his picture and it reminds me of something. Not something good though. I was trying to remember if I may have met him before. I don't know, there was something familiar, but not comforting.

But that's okay. I'm still trying to be open. I feel a little down. I don't know if it's this being open and trying to grow thing or not. It just depresses me. It makes me think of things I don't want to think of.

Sometimes I miss therapy. It's nice to have someone tell you whether you're being rational or not. Or whether what you're experiencing is normal or not.

Living alone isn't all it's cracked up to be. I really miss my family, and I miss my pets.

It's raining. This is like my favorite weather and I haven't even taken the time to enjoy it today.

I felt good about studying all day, but now I think it was just a waste of a day. What was I thinking?

I better go to sleep now. Lack of sleep and caffiene use is supposed to influence your mood, so maybe I should get more sleep and cut out the coffee/red bull.

Another long day.

It's official, I was wayyy prettier when I was skinny than I am now. One of my friend saw old pictures of me (from a few years ago) and she was like, "what happened?!"

So I'm probably going to have to start the lemonade diet tonight. It's so ridiculously sad.

I don't like doing the lemonade diet. The first 4 days are like hell. So it kind of won't make sense to do it now, because I have a test soon. But you know what? I just might have to do it.

At least being on the diet basically frees me from depression of any kind. I've been on it for 21 days before, that was the longest. And I lost 15lbs. which isn't nearly enough, but whatever.

I'm just going to do it, I don't really have a choice. Life is about sacrifices. I can make it I think. I should really wait after this week, but then I'll probably lose motivation, so...

So, I guess I'm going on the lemonade diet.

It's the end of the day for me, and I feel so much better.

Exercise is a must for me, without it I get overwhelmed, but afterwards I feel much more relaxed.

I'm feeling a little better about my class. I think everything is going to be okay. Sometimes I just get so stressed. I'm feeling more optimistic about going on the lemonade diet. I think it will help a lot with the stress I've been feeling. I need a change, something to occupy my mind, and not having food usually does it, LOL!

I don't think about silly little problems, I just think about food. I even dream about food when I'm on that diet. I usually dream that I've gone somewhere to get a cheeseburger. Then when I wake up I freak out like, "please tell me it's not true!", then I breathe a sigh of relief when I realize it was just a dream, LOL! It never fails.

I don't want to hear, "Oh, your pictures are so pretty! What happened?! You gained weight!" That sucks, because you feel "less than". I want to feel like I'm still okay, you know?

I'm a healthy individual. I exercise, I have muscle, I had a physical and everything is fine. I'm just not the same weight I used to be. I mean, I haven't been that way in a while now. I do miss it I guess.

There is nothing really holding me back from losing the weight I think. I don't feel like, I'm afraid of men anymore. I must admit though, the last time I lost a bit of weight, I was in a situation where I had to be around this guy who was similar to my rapist in some ways, in looks. And I gained the recently lost weight back. I was so miserable having to be around that person and I stuffed my face full of everything I could find.

I feel like I learned my lesson though. I'll make sure I'm not in a situation like that again, because obviously it's too much for me.

I really don't have to spend lots of time around men. I see them around, but I don't have to spend tons of time with them. So it'll be fine. I can do it. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

There is the book I purchased months ago, about recovering from sexual assault. Let's just say I didn't read much, because I just don't want to deal with that right now. But then this one area talked about women gaining weight, and then being afraid to lose it because they are afraid of becoming promiscuous. I don't know, I kind of worry about that. The thought it scary.

I was raped when I was small (a small size), and then I ended up sleeping with someone a week later. If he wouldn't have stayed with me (for 1.5yr.), that would have been a one-night stand. That's kind of scary. I don't know, maybe I'm afraid of that. But I can't think of any reasons why I would sleep with a random person.

I think it's because my rapist talked about how he liked my body. And when I'm small guys tend to look, and they can be aggressive, and it's annoying and scary. It's scary to think that some random person can just do what they want to you, you know? But if they are not attracted, then you don't have to worry.

I don't know, I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but.....I just need a better life. I can't think about things like that. I just have to think positive thoughts, and lose all of the weight I gained. All of it. It just sucks.

And I don't want to be promiscuous, honestly. And I don't think that if I lose all the weight that I'll become that way. And if I do, may God save me. That's all I can do. Just ask for help if I need it. But considering that I don't even really like people invading my personal space...I don't think I'll have to worry about a sudden urge to sleep around.

I was feeling a little stressed about the dating thing the other day. I must note though, that when I'm on my period, and when I'm PMS-ing, I can be a bit emotional. Anywho, all of a sudden it just bothered me. It's weird. I do have quirks now, that I didn't have before. Like, I don't like anyone being too close to me, not physically close, it bothers me.

If it's a girlfriend, and we're giving each other a hug, that's different, but otherwise I want space.

I don't know, how am I supposed to date when I don't want a guy sitting that close to me. It's sad, because it's not just with random guys. I don't like my Dad or Brother being too close to me either. It's like I have an invisible bubble around me, and I don't want it breached.

After I finish my lemonade diet, I think I should stay away from men for a while. Like, maybe for a couple of months. Actually, I think I'll be so busy with school that I won't even care much. Or, maybe I should just stay on the diet for a super long time, this time. Maybe, 2 months, or a month and a half.

Then I'll be done with it all. And I'll never have to hear, "What happened?!" again.

Then my girlfriends will be proud of me. That'll make me really happy.

Anywho, when I'm smaller I think I'll feel even more comfortable than I do now. I'll definitely be happier. I tell you I was so free the last time I was on the diet, and I laughed so much, maybe because I was delusional, LOL! J/K. My friends would have definitely said something if I wasn't acting normal. They just noticed that I was losing a lot of weight quickly.

Anywho, I've got to go to bed, because I've got to get up to go to the gym soon.

Nighty-Night.

Today was a good day, a basic day. I went to the gym, and then I did homework, then I went to school, and I just got back home.

I start my lemonade diet tomorrow, which means I have to drink that tea tonight...which means the toilet and I will be best friends tomorrow, LOL!

My upper back hurts a bit, because of my cha chas, but hopefully the lemonade diet will help with that, because back pain sucks. I get it sometimes, when I'm trying to hold my shoulders back, instead of slouching.

Anywho, I'm sleepy, and I'm a little bit excited about losing weight.

I've actually been losing weight already. I'm getting slimmer and I'm looking nicer, but I just want this monkey off of my back once and for all. I'm so tired of the weight thing. Never thin enough. I just want to get down to my normal size and be done with it.

It's better that way, no one is disappointed.

Today I think I did pretty well, instead of letting the pressure of school get to me, instead of procrastinating, I just did what I needed to do.

The truth is that I feel really lonely. Since I've been busy with school I don't see my parents, or pets as often. It's really rough for me. Before I was managing my emotions by eating, or watching television, or whatever. But now I've got no time to do that, because I have to study all day and night. I'm concerned. All I can do in life is my best, things just seem....really lonely right now.

If I was allowed to have pets in my apartment I think that would help a lot. It wouldn't just be me, by myself, with all of my worries.

The diet will be a big distraction for me though, so I'm looking forward to that side of it.

The gym is really helpful to me, but I think about work even while I'm on the eliptical machine now.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go visit one of my friends. It'll be good for me I think. I don't want to stay there all day though because I have a lot to do. And I don't exactly know how it'll work with the 1st day of the diet.

I think I'm just at a place now where my feelings shouldn't matter. I think I just have to become accustomed to doing things and not caring about how I feel. I think my feelings are just going to have to be put on the back-burner. No one dies from loneliness, or because they are feeling overwhelmed, or because they are unhappy with their looks. The diet will be challenging, but I have to do it. School is challenging, but I have to go, and life right now is lonely, but I have to live it.

And that's that.

I'm excited, I feel really good. I should be back to my normal size in about a month or so, especially if I stick to a strict exercise regimen. I'm excited about it, it will be nice to have my old self back. I think my friends will be really proud of me also. I'm really looking forward to that. I know they love me, but I think they'll love me a lot more when I'm skinny, LOL!

It's so funny because I see some women who are a larger size and they are soooo beautiful. I thought about that today, when I saw an actress I absolutely love, on television. I even think about people in my life. And I love them so much. I never think they should loss weight, I love them as I know them. It's strange that I couldn't feel that same way about myself. Although with me, when it comes to weight, I've never really been satisfied. Even when I was smaller I had issues with weight and food. It's like this weird life-long, slightly unhealthy relationship. However, I don't see it going away. I don't think I'd want it to go away. It's been with me for so long.

Oh, that brings up another thing. Like, when I see people, and they've gained weight, it doesn't really affect me. You know, if they are awesome people I still love them just as much. Not to say that people don't love me as much, but they sure have no problems pointing it out (the weigh gain)! When I was 40lbs. heavier, it was even worse. I had no idea people felt so comfortable telling you what they really felt about your size. And honestly, in that case, all of the comments didn't encourage me to lose weight. After I became a bit comfortable in my own skin, I felt comfortable enough to lose the weight. No one could understand why I wouldn't just lose it, but I wasn't ready to lose it. It was my security blanket. Sadly, it also resulted in a few hurt feelings, LOL! I think even the comments made me better though, much less sensitive in general.

N-E-who,

I'm feeling really good in general. I spent time with friends and family yesterday so I'm feeling much more optimistic. I don't feel as lonely or as stressed. Which is really good, because I was having a difficult time.

Having balance is indeed a good thing.

Well, I have a bit to do today, so I better get started.

I'm a little bit frustrated.

I had to end my diet when it was going so well. Everything was normal. On the first day of the diet I usually get light-headed and lethargic. Then I get super cold and want to sleep all of the time. I also get bad cramps from the laxative tea.

Anywho other than that everything was fine. I was feeling so mellow. Usually it's rough for me the first few days because of all of the changes my body is going through. However, this time none of it bothered me, the discomfort, etc.

Anywho, all was well until this evening when I had to study. I looked at that stuff and I could make no sense of it whatsoever. It was something I was familiar with so I knew it was the lack of food. So I ate something and after a couple of hours I was able to focus.

It sucks because I really wanted to do it. It also sucks because I told myself not to start until after my test. So naturally I've lost study-time due to over-sleeping and being a little out-of-it in general.

I'm happy though because I exercised this morning. It's normal for me to exercise, but not on the second day of the lemonade diet. It's hard for me to make myself get up and go. It's like I'm in a fog and I just want to curl up in a ball with a blanket and sleep. But I told myself to get off my butt and start exercising, and I did! I was so happy. This is going to be sad, but the best way I can describe the 2nd-day feeling is, it's like a level of drunkness. You're out of it, and you don't feel quite there, but you can still move around and do things, it just takes a lot of effort and concentration. Anywho, that really only happens the first 2 or 3 days but after that I'm pretty alert.

Anywho, now, if I want to lose the weight in a month or two I'm going to have to spend 2.5 hrs in the gym almost everyday. The thought of it makes me want to cry. I don't know why I'm such a baby lately. Anywho, tomorrow I have to wake up bright and early to spend my 2.5 hours in the gym.

It's not easy getting in shape. It's easy to maintain a weight, but much more difficult to lose.

Anywho, not getting sleep is part of it. I just read an article about it, but it's not like I haven't heard it a million times before.

In the meantime, I'm just going to have to accept not being a skinny-mini.

I just can't believe how time flies. I feel so old. Like really old. And the weeks are just flying by, and the hours in the day are just flying by. It makes me feel sad that I'm not having more fun. That I'm not doing more of the things I enjoy in life.

There are so many things I would like to do.

Right now however, I have to go to school, and I have to work, and I have to go work-out. In the past I always had a boyfriend or lots of girlfriends around to off-set the work. When you're living on a college campus everything is in one place. Friends are close, boyfriends are close, things are just different.

I never thought I'd say this, but looking back, I really appreciate my college years. Before, a couple of negative situations skewed my entire view of things. Now I can remember good times, happy times. It was still college, and I wanted to get out like everyone else, but there was good in it.

I don't know. Life is all about change and letting go. The only thing is that with change, you never know what you're going into. Is the change going to be for the better? I honestly believe change is always for the better, ultimately. I think that sometimes it doesn't feel that way, but things definitely get better.

I'm in college again (after I finished the first time I was so sure I'd never go back), I'm in a new environment yet, I still don't know where I'm going. All I know is that I'm going to be in school for the next two years. And then what? What's going to happen in these two years? I haven't a clue. I just really hope that I get to have some fun along the way.

I have been in a shell for too long now. I feel like there's something I really want but I'm just not getting. That's how I feel right now. Like there's something I'm reaching for and it's just out of my reach. And that's a really frustrating feeling, let me tell you.

Maybe I should go to a club with my friend (ahhh!!!). I can't even seriously consider that, but maybe I should. Or maybe I should do something wild and crazy like ride a kiddy roller coaster. Those can be exhilarating. I don't know, I have to do something to make myself feel alive.

My life is really, really boring right now.

Anywho, I better get to sleep because I have to wake up early.

I feel really good today. I got up, went to the gym, and did my 2 hours on the eliptical machine. Now I'll spend 30 minutes streching (I don't think I spelled that correctly) and watching Joyce Meyers (since I missed church).

Anywho, I saw two good movies while at the gym, well, pieces of both. I saw an Old Harrison Ford movie, and then "I am Legend" came on. Honestly I think "I am Legend" is a depressing movie. But it was yet another reminder, to me anyways, that humans aren't meant to be alone.

OMG, if I had a dollar for everytime my mother said "No man is an island". Anywho, I think I finally get it. And I'm going to spend as much time with my friends as possible. I'm not going to act like it's some huge inconvenience to me when they ask to spend time with me.

I feel so badly about that now, because all I was doing instead, was stressing out. I would spend most of my time worrying about studying and a couple of hours studying.

Anywho, my Mom prayed with me today, and asked that any anxiety I have go away. And I didn't even realize I was anxious. But when she said that I was so glad because I have been really anxious.

Honestly, like after I was raped I was diagnosed with certain things like, "anxiety disorder", but since I feel over the rape, it never occurred to me that I might still be a bit anxious. I don't think I'm more anxious than the average person, but maybe I am.

I just think that when I was diagnosed with things it was like a way of saying, "Hey, here's a flaw you have and you have to be careful of it and work on it".

I realized that depression and anxiety are my flaws. To me that means I have to be on the look out for it. If I start to worry or feel a little down, I have to squash it, like it's a battle. That means I have to go exercise, whether I want to or not. That also means I have to always make sure that I eat healthy and take vitamins. So, when I don't do the things I'm supposed to do, I start to feel down.

And most of all I have to spend time with God. I have to talk to him about my worries and problems. I can't keep them in like I'm hiding them or something because he already knows they are there. And I have to read the Bible, because that gives me confidence, and makes me feel more secure.

Sadly I'm not consistent with any of these things, but I'm really going to work hard to make sure that I am.

I also think that I should see a friend once a week. I can set up a friend-day with each of them. And then I can relax, and not stress about life. Well...not each of them, but the main ones.

Because life is really short. And I need to make the most of it, before it's all gone.

Well off I go.

OMG, I finished listening to the sermon/lesson.

I learned that I need to simplify my life. I also need to not worry. So, I'm not going to worry about getting older, and I'm not going to worry about becoming an old maid. Who cares? LOL! If I die tomorrow am I going to care about that? No.

I just need to enjoy life, be happy, and not worry.

I also have to watch what I say. I can't /shouldn't say negative things. I should just say positive things.

Also I realized that living in extremes is bad. Even though I've lived in extremes, especially in regards to food, that doesn't mean I should continue that way. So it's good that I'm learning to consistently work out instead, because that's apart of having a more balanced life.

I don't know why, in life, I've always been so afraid of making mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes but for some reason, at least in the past, it's been devastating for me. I honestly think that's like the biggest stressor in my life. So that is the thing I'll have to work hard against.

Oh that was another thing from the lesson. When things are too complex it leads to frustration. That is so true. Like with my Statistics class for instance. There is so much information and it's like I'm not sure of what to focus on the most, and it has been frustrating me. When I feel like I don't know what to do, I get frustrated, because I don't want to make the wrong decision, and make a mistake. Ahhhh!!!!!!!!!! LOL! I think I'm so bad when it comes to making decisions. If it's down to the wire, I make decisions because there's no time for fear and things have to get done. But if I have too much time on my hands, OMG, I will spend too much time weighing all the options. That is a definite flaw.

N-E-who, I'm off to make decisions, LOL! I'm going to pick something to focus on, and if I make a mistake, at least I'll still wake up tomorrow. And at least Jesus will sitll love me. LOL! That needs to be my new motto. "Well, at least Jesus still loves me". I think that's encouraging.

N-E-who, off I go!