Sometimes I think it really is all about looks....

After experiencing much rejection after having some medical treatments which have taken their toll on my appearance, I am thinking maybe all men care about is looks (ok, maybe some women, too, but I am a woman, so am not writing from a man's point of view). Granted, I am feeling a bit low right now after sending an ex recent pics of me that he asked for and then never hearing from him again, but still....

I know so many attractive women with DH's or BF's and the truth is, they aren't even that good to them.

It just makes me sad. Just wondered what your thoughts were....I know it is the heart and mind that matter, but if no one can look past the physical, they won't know my heart or mind.

Yes.

Man will and do behave different to a more attractive female rather than an unattractive female or one who is less than average.

In a relationship a man will put up with more BS from an attractive women than an average woman then get less and less down the ladder.

For a man, a woman does not need to be be educated, financially stable, social or entertaining.

Physical attraction comes first then the other wants.

Personally for me this is how it goes.

The level of attraction a man requires varies.

First off, you are beautiful no matter what.

The human mind is built to gravitate towards the shiny, pretty, and new. It takes a special kind of person to realize that appearances are beyond deceiving and one day you will surely find that person. Don't get distracted about what others may or may not see when they look at you; those negative feelings are projected outwards without you even taking notice. So just smile and be yourself and I'm sure the right person will gravitate towards you...

Leave it up to fate...the more you think, the more you try, and the less it works.

Have a great day

After experiencing much rejection after having some medical treatments which have taken their toll on my appearance, I am thinking maybe all men care about is looks (ok, maybe some women, too, but I am a woman, so am not writing from a man's point of view). Granted, I am feeling a bit low right now after sending an ex recent pics of me that he asked for and then never hearing from him again, but still....

 

I know so many attractive women with DH's or BF's and the truth is, they aren't even that good to them.

 

It just makes me sad. Just wondered what your thoughts were....I know it is the heart and mind that matter, but if no one can look past the physical, they won't know my heart or mind.

Unfortunately there are a lot of shallow people out there, even in work enviroments it is a fact that employers are unconsciously biased towards better looking people. Have faith though BriarRose that not all men are like that, i am not like that. I am not bad looking and have been with good and so called not so good looking girls before, so you cant say my opinion comes from being unattractive. To me now appearance is only one part of a much bigger equation and only a small part at that, a connection with someone special is what i want most. Unfortunately its proving to be hard to find but that is another discussion altogether so i wont go on about that. Trust me not everyone looks purely with their eyes, some look with their soul. Anyone shallow enough to dismiss you on how you look isnt worth wasting your time on.

but if no one can look past the physical, they won't know my heart or mind.

Too much effort needed to look through anything in hopes of seeing something that might and might not be there. Do you see why?

If looks is not what you excel at, then you gotta show your good sides off to the world.

Are you a good dancer, then you gotta dance and let the world see that, I can guarantee that an average looking girl who can move on the dance floor will win my heart over a stunning looker that just manages to sit at a bar and talk anytime! But I won't care a bit for that average girl, if she just sit there at the bar too.

Looks are not the only way to attract people, unfortunately it's the only thing that shows naturally. Take what you got and use it to get what you want. ;-)

Too much effort needed to look through anything in hopes of seeing something that might and might not be there. Do you see why?

If looks is not what you excel at, then you gotta show your good sides off to the world.

 

Are you a good dancer, then you gotta dance and let the world see that, I can guarantee that an average looking girl who can move on the dance floor will win my heart over a stunning looker that just manages to sit at a bar and talk anytime! But I won't care a bit for that average girl, if she just sit there at the bar too.

 

Looks are not the only way to attract people, unfortunately it's the only thing that shows naturally. Take what you got and use it to get what you want. ;-)

I do not believe looks are the only way to attact people but like you i think most people do go by looks alone. Like you say if someone does something well that attracts as much as appearance but there are other signs as well. For instance body language, eye contact and so on. Through gestures and physical signals you can find out a lot about someone if you can read them, unfortunately most people cant read them but still the signs are there for those willing to look.

I think many men focus more on looks as the first impression but that is not what holds their interest in a serious relationship. A broad generalization I know. I've rejected men because of not being attracted to their looks and been rejected for the same reason. That's life. One of my closest male friends says he is attracted only to women who look intelligent -he finds even models unattractive if they don't also look intelligent. The women he has found attractive typically aren't conventionally attractive. So, there are all kinds. In the major city where I did all of my 20 plus years of dating a disadvantage looks wise for a woman was if she was overweight. Fair? Nope, just sharing the reality of it.

As far as attractive women not treating their mates properly you don't know if that is what her partner likes as far as treatment or if the poor behavior at that moment is an aberration. You also might focus more on the behavior because of your impression that only attractive women have relationships.

I know that straightening my hair (i.e. it was frizzy curls before that) and getting highlights did get me noticed more by men in my 30s. No, I didn't mind even though a part of me knows it's silly. It's like a job interview -I needed to get my foot in the door/make a good impression and if being slim with shoulder length straight hair was going to help, cool.

I don't think it is ''shallow'' to have a desire to be physically attracted to any potential mate.It's all subjective though and the majority of people are likely to be attractive to someone .

Many men and women will say that looks do matter to a certain degree. However, just because you have the looks doesn't mean that your partner will always treat you right.

In regards to the situation with your ex, he must have been attracted to you in the first place to go out with you and ask you for more pics. Sure, you may not be looking your very best at the moment, but once things get situated, you'll be back to your usual self. If there's something that brings you down, you have to find ways to bring it back up. For example - if taking a hot bath makes you feel better, then do it. If wearing make up makes you feel sexier, then do it. If buying a new outfit, flatters your body, then do it. It's really all the mind. If you feel confident, then it'll show.

I know that if I'm out and I'm feeling confident, guys tend to notice it more and try to talk to me. However, if I feel like crap, they notice it just as well. Not as though I'm looking for someone, but these are the things I'm noticing.

Looks matters in the beginning, but it's the whole package that matters in the long haul.

I think I'm fairly good looking but guys I've been out with pick up on different things. Two of them loved the way I stood - I'm very pigeon toed when I'm daydreaming. One loved my wonky top tooth, another my funny pointy ears. These things are imperfections or quirks but that was what they pick up on. I will never be a blonde, bouncy beach bunny but the guys I go for aren't attracted to that look. And believe me, there are a lot of these guys around! My bf looks nothing like anyone I'd have imagined dating before but I think he's the most beautiful thing in the world. In return he thinks I'm too good looking for him. Passing strangers might have a glance at us and think we're hideous troll people but who cares

If you're online dating BriarRose, I'd big up your profile to show your true self, no self pitying but how funny, clever and caring you are. Play down your photos, explain that you're not a supermodel but have a laugh about it. Don't let this last * * * * make you feel bad about yourself, he's not worth it. Chances are he'll be balding and have a paunch in a few years x

Looks matter, but since I don't know what you look like, I can't judge for myself. But I do know that a lot of pretty girls are much harder on themselves than they need to be.

I don't think it is ''shallow'' to have a desire to be physically attracted to any potential mate.It's all subjective though and the majority of people are likely to be attractive to someone .

Its not shallow to be attracted to someone physically, its just that it is shallow to put so much weight on this single point.

But I do know that a lot of pretty girls are much harder on themselves than they need to be.

This is a great point...the most beautiful women I've known have been extremely hard on themselves, looks-wise. I've never been able to figure it out.

I imagine that relationship-minded guys care more about compatibility, values, and stuff like that, though I'm sure attraction matters on some level. But I'm not one, so I can only speculate. I've definitely put up with ridiculousness from out-of-my-league women, as I'm willing--to an extent--to put aside my personal feelings for the greater good. That may sound undignified, but it's vastly superior to what most people go through. I only have to give up my freedom from annoyance; many men are forced to give up their homes, bank accounts...

I think many men focus more on looks as the first impression but that is not what holds their interest in a serious relationship. A broad generalization I know.

Don't worry about it. This forum seems to be so full of "broad generalizations." Why not one more?

Thank you everyone for your responses; I know in my heart not all men are like that - obviously there are deep, introspective men here on ENA. Just feeling a bit down during this transition I seem to be going through.

JD1983, yes he was attracted to me at one time - used to tell me I was beautiful (I'm not, but he used to think so) - fast forward after my treatment and a few surgeries and I sent him 2 pictures and never hear from him again. It was just hurtful. I don't feel I look drastically different. Hair is kind of funky and I look a bit pale and wan, but I don't think I am ugly. I used to think I was average until lately.

InTheDark, I agree with you that men (women, too) put up with more crap from good-looking people. I've seen it all my life.

Obviously he felt you were beautiful, otherwise he wouldn't be telling you so.

Hair can always grow back, perhaps you can look online to see different ways to style your hair. You can even dye it to another color for a new change.

Secondly, do you wear make up? If you're pale, you can always wear make up to look more alive.

The truth is that looks do matter. The good part is that everyone is attracted to different "looks", thankfully. If it were completely true that there's no point in even looking for love if you are not good looking, then how come all those unattractive people out there managed to find love?

For me, a good looking guy is a "nice to have" but it is not that important. I've been on dates with some very good looking men who were so boring I couldn't wait to get away from them. I know everyone says it but personality is way more important and really it's all about the fit between two particular people.

I don't know, seems unattractive people do struggle to find love....

Trust me, we've all got insecurities about our appearances and the way we look. Everybody.

Yes, but attractive women struggle as well. I know an absolutely beautiful, thin, busty, lawyer who can't find love. She is sad about it too.

I don't know, seems unattractive people do struggle to find love....

Unattractive people find it more difficult to find dates maybe, but i dont think it makes it more difficult to find love. Being good looking probably means you are likely to have more dates but the exta quantity wont likely include quality, as anyone who goes out with someone based purely on looks isnt likely worth staying with more than one night. Love is more likely going to happen in the most unexpected of circumstances, joining two people through a situation which bonds them so they cant be picky about appearences before it even starts. BriarRose, as i said earlier i think anyone who dismisses you based on how you look isnt worth your time.

Unattractive people find it more difficult to find dates maybe, but i dont think it makes it more difficult to find love. Being good looking probably means you are likely to have more dates but the exta quantity wont likely include quality, as anyone who goes out with someone based purely on looks isnt likely worth staying with more than one night. Love is more likely going to happen in the most unexpected of circumstances, joining two people through a situation which bonds them so they cant be picky about appearences before it even starts. BriarRose, as i said earlier i think anyone who dismisses you based on how you look isnt worth your time.

I suppose I have to agree. It's harder, but not impossible. Obviously there are unattractive people who are happily married. The thing is, I am not a shallow person. I don't go for the GQ washboard abs type - I never have. But even the average, seemingly good guys reject me. And this guy already knew me! He's the one who wanted the photos...I don't understand some people.

I know so many attractive women with DH's or BF's and the truth is, they aren't even that good to them.

And we all know so many average-looking people that have spouses and s.o.'s. The only reason you are noticing whether they are attractive is because that is your personal hangup.

Is the guy you sent the photos to the wishy-washy one that keeps disappearing and reappearing?

I think that if you continue down the path of counting solely on internet dating and potential cold approaches by men, you will be judged on how you look. What else do they have to judge you on? But if you are willing to step out of your comfort zone, try new things, meet new people, you could quite possibly find someone who gets to know you and loves the person you are.

And we all know so many average-looking people that have spouses and s.o.'s. The only reason you are noticing whether they are attractive is because that is your personal hangup.

 

Is the guy you sent the photos to the wishy-washy one that keeps disappearing and reappearing?

 

I think that if you continue down the path of counting solely on internet dating and potential cold approaches by men, you will be judged on how you look. What else do they have to judge you on? But if you are willing to step out of your comfort zone, try new things, meet new people, you could quite possibly find someone who gets to know you and loves the person you are.

Yes, I am ashamed to admit it's him. But the fact remains, he was calling every night until the night I sent the photos. We have known each other for awhile, slept together, it's not like we just met and had coffee. So it was quite a blow for me. I agree with what you say.

Yes, I am ashamed to admit it's him. But the fact remains, he was calling every night until the night I sent the photos.

Don't be ashamed, but remember this isn't about your looks- he has a pattern of disappearing. Whether it's after you sent photos or not is insignificant. This is his routine. The only thing you need to do is remember that this is who he is, and it may not ever change.