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Thread: Went to the casino and lost alot! Now I feel worse and want to call her!!

  1. #31
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Live-N-Learn
    I am not thinking clearly since I am really emotion cuz of the break up, bad date last night , losing money and have not slept for a few days.
    This is EXACTLY why you're having a down moment LNL*, and this too will pass*

    Listen to the Llama* mate...I wholeheartedly agree with everything they are saying....The Llama* is spot on here with what you are experiencing and how to go about dealling with it*

    I too will reiterate that calling you're ex in this state (or even AT ALL) is an extremely bad idea that will tear your nuts out and wrap them around your throat....Are you a masochist?

    Anyway, let the pain wash over you so you're mind and body can process it all properly*

    You have a lot of friends here and you have already helped many others with their situations*

    Ever Forward
    K2* 8)

  2. #32
    Platinum Member browneyedgirl36's Avatar
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    Awww...try not to be so hard on yourself LNL. I think many of us have done self-destructive things, even unwittingly, after break-ups. After one of my break-ups (not with my most recent ex, but the one before him), I spent about $3,000 in only a few weeks on stuff I absolutely did not need -- new clothes, shoes, purses, make-up, stuff for my apartment -- you name it, I bought it. I told myself I was trying to pamper myself and take care of myself during a difficult time, but I took it to extremes and was impulse shopping. Most of that 3K went on my credit card, too, so I lost track of how much I spent and was horrified when I saw my bill! It's really important to recognize those self-desctructive coping mechanisms and actively substitute them with better, healthier ones. Whereas in the past I would have turned to over-eating, over-spending, or holing myself up in my apartment like a hermit, I have found MUCH healthier ways to cope -- exercise, reading, taking classes, going to events (films, festivals, cultural events, plays, etc. -- even if I go alone) -- even doing things like puzzles and testing new recipes. I have had several "break-ups" with my most recent ex -- I put that in quotes because we never really "got back together" we just kept seeing each other on and off as more-than-friends-but-not-a-relationship, and whereas a few years ago, after he first broke my heart, I was paralyzed with sadness and could barely concentrate enough to even read a few pages of a book at a time, now, even though I'm still hurt by everything that's happened, I have more interests and hobbies than ever, more friends than ever, and I have stuff to do almost every weekend -- stuff I really enjoy -- healthy, good-for-me stuff that keeps me occupied AND reminds me that I have a life without him in it!

    I'm glad you've resisted contacting your ex. Just keep reminding yourself that calling her would just make things worse -- it would definitely set you back tremendously. I know it's really, really hard to get motivated do do stuff. I would strongly suggest maybe just planning to do one main thing per day for now -- maybe "Today, I'm going to go to the movies. Tomorrow, I'm going to work out. The next day, I will go to a church group meeting, etc." Try not to force yourself to *move on.* Instead, focus on doing one thing for yourself every day -- something that is about YOU.

    That book you're reading, Getting Past Your Breakup, is a good one. I had started reading it myself, after ex and I stopped seeing each other for the second or third time (I've lost count!). I need to hunker down and do the inventories, for sure, and re-read it. There's some great stuff in it. You've inspired me to pick it back up again. Another good one is Dr. David Burns' Feeling Good. It's really focused on changing your thoughts -- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy stuff, and it's very helpful. And, there's one that I quoted in my signature line -- "The Secret to Letting Go" by Guy Finley. Also: The Five Things In Life We Cannot Change by David Richo is good.

    The most important thing here is reminding yourself that you need to take care of yourself. This means choosing healthier coping strategies, being gentle on yourself and NOT trying so hard to rush the process of healing, and keeping yourself safe. When I read that you had crashed three cars, I was concerned; when I was a lot younger, I got into two car accidents in three weeks because I was so preoccupied with being rejected by a guy I was (or so I thought) madly in love with -- so I've been there. It's VERY easy to get distracted when we're upset, and I try to avoid driving when I'm feeling especially down.

    Hang in there. The damage done by this relationship is not going to be fixed in a short period of time. Focus on one thing at a time to avoid getting overwhelmed. Don't try to date right now if you don't feel up to it. Reach out to people -- friends, family members, online friends, people in your bible groups -- try not to isolate yourself. Eat healthy foods as much as possible. Try to get a good amount of sleep every night. Exercise -- even if it's just taking a short, brisk walk -- as often as possible. Keep busy, but don't stuff your life full of activities as a means of escaping pain - it always catches up with you if you do. Instead, keep busy doing things that are meaningful to you, that keep your mind alert and focused on things outside of your pain. If you are inclined to, write in a journal -- even if it's just in response to a self-help book you're reading. Avoid drinking. Stay away from the casino for now. And whatever you do, don't contact the ex, even if you have to put your phone in the freezer to avoid calling or texting her!

    I know it's hard. Most of us have been there, and it can be a long and rocky road. I am still not 100% over my ex, but...the pain is SOOOOO much less acute than it was before; now, I can really imagine a life without him in it and be OK with that. It's not ideal, but I know it'll be OK.

    Take care of yourself.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Live-N-Learn's Avatar
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    Thanks Browneyedgirl, your post makes a lot of sense and is very insightful. I can tell you have been through a lot of what I am experiencing first hand. I took note of the other books you mentioned and will probably order them. I did resist the urge to reach out to her so that was good. I really do know in my heart that it is over and although I said I wanted to reach out to her it was for all the wrong reasons. I really have nothing more to say to her and am satisfied with the way things ended. I now have a stronger desire to keep my self respect than I do in wanting to contact her. I know she cares about me and thinks of me and that is good enough for me since I know she is not coming back. I know she is there and always will be if I ever decide I want to call her and be friends. Doubt that day will come. I just need to keep using thought blocking techniques to quit thinking of her. I think about her way too much still everything reminds me of her! ](*,)

    I was proud of myself last week when a friend of mine told me he was going out to have a drink then text me to tell me where they were. When he told me the name of the place I knew it was one of my ex's hangouts. I text back and asked if she was there. He said yes I just saw her, she just walked in. I text back and told him to have fun I would not be coming. I guess they talked and she asked what he was up to and he said he was hanging with a buddy and maybe me tonight. She asked if I knew she was there and he told her yes and that I was not coming cuz she was there. She said Oh, yeah LNL and I are good, we are just taking some time apart. I guess I was glad she knew that I chose not to come out cuz I knew she was there. Kinda felt like I showed some self respect for myself ya know.

    I guess I am just needing to prepare myself for a long road of healing. I will try to be gentle with myself and do things that are healthy as you and llama have suggested. Thank you for taking the time to write to me it means a lot. You llama and a few others have walked through much of this with me and all have spoke truth into my life and have helped me tremendously. I could not have even gotten this far without all of you! Thank you so much.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member dramallama's Avatar
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    Good luck, Live-N-Learn. It might help your healing a bit more if you told your friend not to tell you what your ex says to him. All you need is a warning that she is around so you don't have to see her, and that's it. Otherwise you'd be analysing what she says, instead of focusing on healing, you know what I mean? What if there comes a time when she realises that this isn't just "time apart" but it's best if you don't ever see or hear from her. She could tell your mutual friends that she's upset about it (when she realises what's happening) and it will get back to you and you'll agonise about it. So maybe it's best to let your friends know that you don't want to know the specifics but would appreciate any warnings so that you can choose to go somewhere else. Good luck again.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member Live-N-Learn's Avatar
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    I agree drama, I will let our mutual friends know that I do not want to know anything accept if she is there so that I don't have to run into her. I really do not want to know what she is thinking, feeling or doing. It will only set me back. I know she is searching hard for a boyfriend and may have already found one who knows. I really don't want to know that for sure. Ignorance is bliss.

  7. 10-30-2020, 04:55 PM

  8. 10-30-2020, 06:28 PM

  9. #36
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Thread closed.

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