Different social habits and personalities.

How do you deal with it if you and your partner are polar opposites in terms of what to do for fun and one of you has trust issues?

My situation is slightly complicated by the fact that (i) we have been together almost 10 years; (ii) we are currently long distance as we go to schools in different cities.

My boyfriend is an extremely outgoing and social guy. I am a total loner and introvert with trust issues. He goes out every weekend with his friends to some bar or club. I know it's wrong to expect him to be like me and to just stay home with a book or something. But it's just so hard, so hard, to sit at home and pretend like I'm fine with something that really upsets me. This is compounded by the fact that when we are together on a weekend, we never really go out to bars or clubs so I feel even more like maybe it's just something he likes to do when I'm not around for some reason. Advice or insight of any kind would be appreciated.

Have you tried talking to him?

Yes...well, maybe talking is not exactly accurate. I'll make some passive-aggressive remark (I also have issues being up front) and he responds with the typical, "What do you want me to do? Not have friends? Not ever go out because you're not around? I'm not like you, N, I like to hang out with my friends", blah blah blah. What could I possibly say to that? He is very aware I don't like him going to clubs. He thinks I'm insecure. Recently I implied that he only goes out when I'm not around. I felt this to be true because I was back home for the holidays and we maybe went out once to a bar. But the first weekend I was back at school in another city, out he went to some bar and so I made a remark about it. He got really mad and surmised that I felt that he was trying to keep me away when he went out. This year being apart has been particularly hard on me, I couldn't bear the thought of arguing with him and not even being able to see him and so I apologized, even though I wasn't really sorry, which I never do.

I think that's unfair. You can't be passive aggressive, especially not with guys because he doesn't think like a girl and will just ride out your passive aggressive and avoid those, instead of focusing on the issue.

I think that perhaps you guys don't go to the bars when you're with him is because he's being CONSIDERATE and he KNOWS you don't like going to bars and adjust accordingly just so he can spend time with you!

Now, if you were to say, Hey boyfriend, I feel insecure about you going to bars and clubs because I don't know what you do there and the image in my head is not exactly kosher so would you clarify it for me? Hey, here's an idea, why don't I hop along with you when you go out to the bars with your friends *with an open mind* to see what it is that I'm missing?

If he refuses to take you, THEN you have a problem. But right now, I think the problem is perhaps you're being oversensitive (and I've been in your shoes, as most girls lol) and being passive aggressive and the guy doesn't know what you want. He's probably thinking that you want him to stop, which equates to being controlling and giving up his friends and hobbies, which isn't fair and so you're met with a lot of resistance from him.

I agree that it's unfair and so I try to limit what I say to him about it, because I feel like the problem is mostly me. On the other hand, there's a part of me that feels like it's not really appropriate for him to be going to bars and clubs every weekend. People go to those places to pick up - I know that's not what everyone goes for all the time, but I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that most people are looking to meet someone at these places.

If I were to go with him, I'm afraid he would be a different version of himself and so it would not help to ease my mind. I'm sure he's different around a big group of guys than he is with me. There have been times in the past where I would mention something about wanting to tag along. He'd always respond with, "Sure, come along, but why do you want to hang out with a bunch of guys?" And so I inevitably end up feeling foolish and change my mind about going. It also bothers me a lot that when I'm around, he's all about staying in to save money, and yet when I'm not, out he goes, spending money on overpriced beer.

I'm so tired of spending every weekend night in tears. I feel like such a pathetic loser. He knows about my insecurities but doesn't seem sensitive to them. He just gets angry with me. And I don't feel justified asking him to change for me or anything.

Aw, honey, try talking to him again. And if he gets angry, tell him that his getting angry and his being defensive is pushing you away and making you think of worse things. You need him to work with you, in this relationship. And really, even if you're wrong, you're allowed to be wrong here and there.

I used the same line on my boyfriend when he gets stubborn and it seemed to do the trick.