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Is It Okay For My Boyfriend To Have Friends That are Women In His Cell Phone?


JRo82

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Hi, I was just wondering: Is it okay for my boyfriend to have friends (that he calls friends) that are women in his cell phone?

 

One woman friend my boyfriend had was a woman he met on E-Harmony way before he met me. They went out on a few dates, but it didn't work out for them... Supposedly...

The woman friend (my boyfriend said) now has a new boyfriend... Yet this woman "friend" still sent him pornographic images forwarded to his cell phone. I told him that I was uncomfortable with it, and that he needs to stop all communication with this woman altogether. Because I feel that it's not normal for a woman... Who supposedly has a boyfriend, to be sending pornographic images to my boyfriend.

 

I told my boyfriend to take her off of your contact list from your cell phone and off of Facebook... This talk had been going on for seven months.

 

He told me that the reason he couldn't do it just yet was because he wanted to tell her over the phone himself that he couldn't have her as a friend anymore... Instead of just deleting her number as quick as ripping off a band-aid.

 

Also, he has two other women that he calls "friends" in his phone that I don't approve with. Both being women from work.

 

1) Is a woman that is very flirtatious with him, and tried to take his cell phone away from him one time in the parking lot at work, just to see who he was talking to (which happened to be me.) This incident was told to me by my boyfriend.

 

After what he said about this woman trying to grab his phone away from him, while he was on the phone with me, I told him "Why don't you just delete her from your phone then?"

 

He said that she's just a friend. I told him that friends don't do that unless they felt animosity or jealousy, and for someone at work that's very flirtatious to be in your phone's contact list is not right. He said, "Well, she's like that to all the guys at work."

I said, "Well, she doesn't need to be that way with you." And to please take her off your contact list. And he still hasn't

 

2) The other woman was a woman from work that my boyfriend said he thought about asking out (way before he and I got together). But he talked to her for a while and decided that she had her own issues that needed to be ironed out. Yet he kept this woman in his phone.

 

I asked "Him why keep her? It makes it seem as though when things aren't right between us, then you'll have a rainy day girl to fall back on. Please, take her out of your contact list. Because it makes me feel as though these two women are women that you have feelings for in a different way. And if you felt any sort of love and compassion for me, you'd take these women out of your phone."

 

He started to argue with me saying that I was controlling him and that I didn't trust him. I trust my boyfriend, but these women in his phone lead me to believe different.

 

His reasoning for keeping them in his phone is so that he could wish them a "Happy Thanksgiving" or a "Merry Christmas" once in a while.

 

We've been dating for seven months, have talked about marriage, and my boyfriend has been making payments on a lay away wedding ring. He comes over to my place often and I go to his often, plus he gave me a key to his place. I know he loves me and trusts me, but he's not showing it by erasing these women from his contact list from his phone.

 

What do you think I should do?

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If they're actually friends, not a big deal. But the kind of "friend" that you are describing I would not be okay with. But only if i didn't trust my boyfriend or if he had a history of cheating. But i wouldn't be dating him if he had a history or if i didn't trust him.

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OK, 50% of the human race is female, so he is bound to know some women and have a need for their phone #s in his phone, and there are platonic female friends.

 

If the issue is he is still pursuing/overenmeshed with other women or ex GFs, then the problem isn't having the women's number in his phone, it is that you don't trust him and that will never work. If he's untrustworthy, that is a bigger problem. He can always look up other women's phone numbers, whether they are in his cellphone list or not, so not having them in his phone won't stop him from calling them if he wants to.

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#1 is inappropriate and he should cut off contact with her.

 

#2,3 sound like just friends, although I'd keep an eye on #2. You are being controlling about these two and it's natural for him to push back about your jealousy.

 

(p.s. how can I get women to send me pornographic pictures?)

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There's nothing wrong with him having female friends. There's nothing wrong with him having their phone#'s in his cell, and it certainly isn't wrong for him to have a female coworker's phone#. It's not even that big a deal to be friends with someone you went out with once. Sometimes you go out on a first date, and enjoy each others company, but there's no spark. You realize you just weren't meant to be more than that, but still think each other to be cool. So you stay friends. Nothing wrong with that.

 

However, I do take issue with the fact that one girl he met on eHarmony that he stayed friends with sent him pornographic images. That's not normal friend behavior, that's crossing the line. As far as the flirty co-worker, I can see why that would bother you, but I don't think there's enough there to say there is something going on. I would let that one go for now. Now, the other co-worker, the one he had wanted to date once: Since she's a co-worker, he might need her phone# for work reasons. But why does he feel the need to send her personal messages? He should keep it professional.

 

I don't think you have the right to tell him to remove any phone#'s from his cell. You cannot TELL him what to do. You can tell him your concerns. If he was truly into you, then he'd understand, and it would become a non-issue. You say you trust him. Obviously, you don't. If you did, you'd trust that just because he has some phone#'s in his phone, doesn't mean he's going to cheat on you, or that he's keeping a "rainy day" girl. You either accept this situation the way it is, or you move on.

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Friends is fine. Regular friends. It's pretty much expected.

But this does seem seedy. More like single man drama on the phone, than a guy who is in a serious relationship. Once in a committed relationship, it's usually expected that that activity would stop.

I agree, that you can not tell him what to do. You can't force his hand on it. Telling him your concerns should be enough for him to want to do something (reasonable) about it. There is no good explanation for why he is receiving pornographic photos of a girl he used to date casually, and he hasn't stopped contact there.

 

I agree with sidehop. He doesn't seem to have respect for you or the relationship. That's not something you can force on him either.

 

There is the element of trust: do you trust him or not, and how that can impact the relationship. But it seems to me your trust or lack of it is independent of his choice to receive porn and try to justify why he has a few girls on the go while seeing you. He's choosing to cross that trust, and it's reasonable (IMO) that you'd question it.

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it all sounds OK other than the one sending him porno. having the phone numbers of work mates is a normal thing to have (he DOES have the numbers of guys from work too, right?), and I can see it coming in handy if he needs to call in sick/arrange a shift/whatever. I try to have workmates' contact info too, be it guy or girl. and a LOT of guys tease me at work, steal my phone etc, but it's all in good fun. as long as he's not flirting back, and if you really do trust him, it should be fine. I've been hit on at work, and I'm not going to cut off contact with them because--I work with them! it's better to get along with everyone, at least on the surface. makes for a pleasant work experience.

 

do they know he's taken at work? I find that once I let people know I'm in a happy stable relationship, the flirting dropped in intensity. more friendly than aggressive, and quite tolerable.

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hmmmmmmmm..........

 

I agree that it's completely normal to have female friends and coworkers in your cell phone. as velvette points out, it comes in handy if you are running late or need to ask a coworker for a favor. porn photos - hmmm.... no. not ok. I would hold off on the marriage talk until you two work this out.

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The one from E-Harmony that I had a problem with first (sending my boyfriend porno pics, not of herself, but of stuff she found on the net), I told him my problem with it and he told this woman not to send him anymore forwarded texts like that again. However, he never got rid of her from his phone or Facebook. It took him until just recently to get rid of her from his phone (seven months) He also had a photo of her in his phone with her breasts almost hanging out of her shirt. I asked him why he had a picture of this woman with her breasts almost hanging out of her shirt, and he said that it was okay because it was just a Halloween picture. I was like, "well, even though it may be a Halloween picture, it's a picture of the woman that sends you the porno with the camera zooming down into her shirt." It took him probably four or five months into our relationship before he even decided to get rid of that picture.

 

One thing that really bothered me about this woman is that whenever me and my boyfriend would get into arguments and stuff, he would call her for some sort of guidance in our relationship. I looked through his phone and found the text message comments he made about me to her that were hurtful and rude. I confronted him about how disrespectful it was of him to be talking to her even after you told me that you would stop all communication with her.

 

His excuse was that he had to make things right between us and she was the only one that would talk to him.

 

After all of these issues, it's like he's forcing me not to trust him, just by the way his actions are. If he knows I have a problem with it, then why does it take him such a long time to act upon it?

 

As for the two coworkers, he is their indirect supervisor. There is no need for him to have them in his phone for work related issues like swapping shifts or such. Plus, if they need to call in sick, they don't call him directly from his cell phone, but from the main work extension number.

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I think at this point, you've made it very clear to him about your boundaries with certain girls. He either goes with it or he doesn't. And you yourself can only accept what he does or call this a dealbreaker. Though I cannot say the same for girls 2 and 3, for girl 1 he definitely should have taken the appropriate measures to deal with the issue - i.e. delete her from her phone. I'm not sure what kind of guidance he gets from a girl who sends porno pics of herself, but it doesn't seem like the good kind. I think your bf revels in the attention of girls, which is why its so necessary for him to keep the numbers of girls like these. You can either accept that he does this and move on, or realize he is most definitely not going to change his ways and decide for yourself if its worth staying for or not. Either way, he is not going to change, not after you talking to him about how you feel already.

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That's exactly what I was thinking. He revels in the attention of girls. He doesn't have much friends, and the friends that he does have don't want that much to do with him. So by holding onto these woman's phone numbers, it gives him a sense of pride and kinda like a trophy for keeping them. It makes me sick to think that after all we've been through as a couple, he just can't pull the damn pacifier out and know that he has all that he needs from me. I mean, why does he keep making payments on an engagement ring? It's like he thinks he knows what he wants, yet he doesn't get rid of the girls... I just don't get it...

 

He doesn't go out with these women. He's with me most of the time, the rest of the time at work, or if he worked a long day at work, he goes back to his place. I know when he works long shifts that they are in fact long shifts and that he's not trying something because I work at the same job that he does.

 

I do have some trust issues, but it's hard getting away from them when he gives me these uncomfortable feelings and doesn't act upon them when I tell him I'm uncomfortable. He'd rather just brush them off and say that I'm the problem and that I should just get over it. How can I when one girl used to send him porno and confided with about our relationship when we were going through bad times, another is flirtatious at work and flirts with all the guys. (I've seen her do it before at work. One time she kissed this guy right on the lips like it was nothing! And the guy was 20 years older than her, and she wasn't going out with him either.), and the other woman was one that he had thought about asking out on a date, but never followed through with it.

 

So I mean, with all that cannon fodder to work with, and the guy still doesn't want to get rid of their numbers from his contacts... It's like how can I trust him? Obviously he has some kind of emotional feelings for these people, if not, he would've ripped them like a band-aid and deleted them from his phone when I announced to him that I had a concern with it.

 

Another thing I was thinking of is what would happen years and years down the road? We get married had kids, and then one day one of our kids snoops through daddy's phone and finds other woman's numbers that aren't family relatives and questions me or him about it? And it's the same women that he wouldn't get rid of years ago when I had a problem with it. Now one of our kids is asking why daddy has other women in his phone and asks, "What's wrong? Don't you love mommy any more?"

 

That's one thing that I was thinking about. I wouldn't want to have kids down the road and then they ask that question all because he couldn't get rid of some women from his phone.

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I agree - you made your point clear, it's up to him at this point to decide what is more important to him - them, her or you. He is making excuses for keeping in touch and regardless of what they are, none of them are good enough if the relationship threatens you. Some might come back that you are insecure...my response to that would be that he should remove the issue that is making you that way. Of course it's creating insecurity, some woman sending my bf naked pictures of herself would make me insecure and down right pissed off.

 

I agree that he is loving the attention and possibly her, which means it's an emotional affair. You need to beware. Stick to your guns and do what is best for you.

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Female friends are one thing but this whole people from a dating site and co-workers who flirt and try and take his phone is completely out of line. I think he is lacking in respect towards you and you're lacking in trust. You both need to set your priorities straight.

 

Actually I was in a similar situation with an ex who claimed to be friends with girls he dated from a dating site. This did not sit well with me since they didn't date long enough, he falls very quickly for people (myself included) and I didn't see them as his friends, but he wanted them around FB and whatnot. I thought it was absolutely pointless and it caused a lot of arguments/resentment between us. I also didn't trust him, therefore that made it even more difficult. My suspicion proved to be right though, so in many ways I am GLAD to have not trusted him.

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I had my previous ex boy friend in my phone for a while. I never called him or talked to him about wanting to get back together and such. The only reason I had him in my phone for so long was that back in August I wanted to give him back his dog. He didn't want it back, but told me to give it to one of his neighbors who lived accross the street. I made a dumb decision and not tell my boyfriend that I talked to my ex and try to give him back his dog. I also didn't tell him that we were dropping the dog off accross the street from my old boyfriend's house. My reasoning at the time was that I didn't want my boyfriend to feel awkward or uncomfortable knowing that we were in my boyfriend's neighborhood. I kept that a little secret until he confronted me about it, and then I told him the truth and apologized.

 

I kept my ex boyfriend's number in my phone for a few months after that. My reasoning was because if for some reason the new owners didn't want the dog anymore and wanted to give it back to my ex, then he would initially give the dog right back to me. I kept his number for business reasons and nothing more. I deleted my ex's number along with his parent's phone number about four months into the relationship and told my boyfriend I did it, and showed him proof in the contacts listing that I did.

 

When we get into arguments over trust, my boyfriend will always throw back at me the time I didn't let him know that I talked to my ex about the dog issue and the fact that we traveled in my ex's neighborhood.

 

I kept telling him that it was a stupid move on my part and that I should've told him sooner. But I did let him know once the thing was settled and done. My main thing was that I didn't want my boyfriend to feel uncomfortable that we were in my ex's neighborhood. Yet this is still a topic of discussion that always gets brought back up all the time. And should be a case closed issue.

 

My boyfriend still to this day has his first ex wife on Facebook and the woman from E-Harmony on Facebook (the one that sent him porno). Yet that's not as major of an issue with him as the time we gave up the dog to a family that lives accross from my ex boyfriend's house. I came clean once he started asking questions that day, yet that was still not good enough.

 

My boyfriend had his two previous ex wives in his phone (keep in mind too that my boyfriend never had any children with either of the two ex wives) even long after I got rid of my ex boyfriend's number. The only reason I could have given him for keeping the second ex wife in his phone was because they had some unfinished debt to settle and stuff like that, so I can understand that as a business reasoning like what I had with my ex boyfriend and his dog. Yet the first ex wife there's no reasoning except wanting to get back in touch with an old friend. I kinda excepted that too in a way yet still kinda uncomfortable at the same time. Part of me was like, "Okay, so she's an ex wife... She has her own life and own kids to worry about..." Yet, why would my boyfriend want to befriend someone that cheated on him in the past. And to make things worse, the man that cheated him out of his first wife had him arrested under false pretenses for being in his own house with his first wife. And he was fired from his job for about nine months or so while battling with the court.

 

And I'm like, "This is the type of person you want to befriend again?" Are you serious???

 

Well, he finally took them both out of his phone, yet still has the first ex wife on Facebook along with the woman that sent him porn....

 

 

He has a major problem with the fact that I can't stand up for myself to my parents and believes that this will cause a wedge between us and our relationship.

One topic that always gets brought up is the time that we went to the State Fair, and then wanted to go back the next day.

 

Well let me tell you first off, (yeah this was stupid on my part) Some of my mail gets forwarded to my parent's address (However I have changed that altogether. All mail comes to my address now.)

 

Now this is how it started:

 

My mom gets a letter to the house that's from me and calls me up about it. She asks, "Is it alright if I opened it and tell you what's inside?" I'm like, "Sure." (I really didn't mind)

That's when hell broke loose. I got an adverse action from work.

So then, now my parents are all worried, and I'm like all worried because I've never received one of those EVER!!

So I'm like all panicking as hell, and I tell my boyfriend and he's like, "It's okay, let's go to the State Fair again today."

 

I'm like thinking, "F' that noise!" I gotta get this thing resolved! Besides, we already went yesterday.

My parents were hella worried for my own well being, and told me to come over and look this thing over.

 

So I went over to check it out and then went to my union about it, and by the time everything was said and done it was about 4pm when I made it back over to my boyfriend's house. I told him that we can still go to the fair, but he was uninterested in going.

 

I'm like, "But it's 4pm, we still have plenty of time to do things. The fair doesn't close until around 10pm or so.

My boyfriend refused to go and told me that my parents are trying to control my decision making.

They really couldn't have controlled my decision making that day, except for the fact they said to come over now and read this adverse action.

 

I mean, seriously folks? What's more important here? Resolving an adverse action, or forgetting about it and putting it off to go to the State Fair (which you already went to the day before)?

Seriously?! WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT?!

 

This remains a topic of discussion that gets brought up constantly when dealing with the issue that my parents are controlling me and my decision making.

 

 

Please, tell me what you think about all of this?

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Oh, and the big straw the broke the camel's back was a few days ago. I was coming home from work and stopped off a this 24hr taco stand to get some food for tomorrow. I was going to be working a 16 hour shift and I needed some extra food. I called my boyfriend when I got onto the freeway, and he asked me what I was doing. I said that I just stopped off to get some food for tomorrow, and I'll be over to visit with you for a while before going back to my place to go to bed.

 

His response was, "And what, you didn't get me anything?"

I said, "No, I was just going to get some food for work, but if you want, I'll make a stop off at Mc Donald's or Burger King or something when I get into town. Do you want anything?"

He said, "No, never mind, forget it."

I said, "No really, I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking of you, I was just thinking of getting the food for work, but if you want, I can make an extra stop and get you something."

And he was all like, "No, it's over. Forget it."

 

Then I took a few minutes to remember when a few days before that, he got up early before work and said that he was going to make a stop off at Chipotle and get himself some burritos, but never came back to my place and offered me one.

 

I told him about the Chipotle thing that happened a few days before that, and he said to me that that was different. That he was going to work and not coming home from work.

But I told him that he had plenty of time to head back over here and drop off some food before going to work. There was like a 2 hour gap between the time he got the burritos and the time it would take him to get to work.

 

And he wanted to argue about me not caring about him.... Over a food?! Are you serious?

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burritos??? he eats more than one of those at a time??? they have like 1,500 calories each.

 

i don't see anything wrong with your parents opening the mail because you gave them permission. were you able to resolve the problem?

 

I don't see a huge problem if you have your ex or he has his exes in his phone. i'd be more concerned about them calling back and forth on a constant basis. as you point out, some things are just about business, and it's good to have their numbers 'just in case.' as long as he's not calling them, i don't see a problem. eHarmony girl though - i don't see any reason that he should be keeping her in his contacts, especially if it bothers you so much.

 

you guys seem to bicker a lot....

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Based on all of your recent posts, I'd say your boyfriend is just a jerk. Plain and simple.

 

1. He has ridiculous double standards: It's okay for him to keep the phone #'s of many women on his phone (including two ex-wives, and a one-time dating prospect who sent him porn), but you can't keep the phone# of an ex-boyfriend even though you assured him it was for business related reasons.

 

2. He's a pouty little b***h who throws fits over things like not being able to spend ALL day at a fair because you had important, time-pressing issues to take care of. What, would he rather you be irresponsible?

 

3. He's also super pouty over the fact that you initially didn't think to pick him up some food, but then felt bad and offered. But HE can't be bothered to do the same thing for you, but oh, that's okay.

 

It's all about him: his comfort, his happiness. Either he's done with this relationship, and he's trying to get you to break up with him, or he's a little drama king and revels in this kind of dysfunctional relationship. Either way, if I were you, I'd run for the hills! I see nothing salvageable here. Also.... how old is he? If he's a young guy, then maybe the fact that he already has TWO ex-wives should be a clue.

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