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Thread: Is It Okay For My Boyfriend To Have Friends That are Women In His Cell Phone?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2011

    Is It Okay For My Boyfriend To Have Friends That are Women In His Cell Phone?

    Hi, I was just wondering: Is it okay for my boyfriend to have friends (that he calls friends) that are women in his cell phone?

    One woman friend my boyfriend had was a woman he met on E-Harmony way before he met me. They went out on a few dates, but it didn't work out for them... Supposedly...
    The woman friend (my boyfriend said) now has a new boyfriend... Yet this woman "friend" still sent him pornographic images forwarded to his cell phone. I told him that I was uncomfortable with it, and that he needs to stop all communication with this woman altogether. Because I feel that it's not normal for a woman... Who supposedly has a boyfriend, to be sending pornographic images to my boyfriend.

    I told my boyfriend to take her off of your contact list from your cell phone and off of Facebook... This talk had been going on for seven months.

    He told me that the reason he couldn't do it just yet was because he wanted to tell her over the phone himself that he couldn't have her as a friend anymore... Instead of just deleting her number as quick as ripping off a band-aid.

    Also, he has two other women that he calls "friends" in his phone that I don't approve with. Both being women from work.

    1) Is a woman that is very flirtatious with him, and tried to take his cell phone away from him one time in the parking lot at work, just to see who he was talking to (which happened to be me.) This incident was told to me by my boyfriend.

    After what he said about this woman trying to grab his phone away from him, while he was on the phone with me, I told him "Why don't you just delete her from your phone then?"

    He said that she's just a friend. I told him that friends don't do that unless they felt animosity or jealousy, and for someone at work that's very flirtatious to be in your phone's contact list is not right. He said, "Well, she's like that to all the guys at work."
    I said, "Well, she doesn't need to be that way with you." And to please take her off your contact list. And he still hasn't

    2) The other woman was a woman from work that my boyfriend said he thought about asking out (way before he and I got together). But he talked to her for a while and decided that she had her own issues that needed to be ironed out. Yet he kept this woman in his phone.

    I asked "Him why keep her? It makes it seem as though when things aren't right between us, then you'll have a rainy day girl to fall back on. Please, take her out of your contact list. Because it makes me feel as though these two women are women that you have feelings for in a different way. And if you felt any sort of love and compassion for me, you'd take these women out of your phone."

    He started to argue with me saying that I was controlling him and that I didn't trust him. I trust my boyfriend, but these women in his phone lead me to believe different.

    His reasoning for keeping them in his phone is so that he could wish them a "Happy Thanksgiving" or a "Merry Christmas" once in a while.

    We've been dating for seven months, have talked about marriage, and my boyfriend has been making payments on a lay away wedding ring. He comes over to my place often and I go to his often, plus he gave me a key to his place. I know he loves me and trusts me, but he's not showing it by erasing these women from his contact list from his phone.

    What do you think I should do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member whes's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    The land of the ice and snow
    If they're actually friends, not a big deal. But the kind of "friend" that you are describing I would not be okay with. But only if i didn't trust my boyfriend or if he had a history of cheating. But i wouldn't be dating him if he had a history or if i didn't trust him.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member sidehop's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    New Hampshire
    Start adding your ex's and people you used to like, etc. See how he reacts. I'm sure he won't like it at all. It doesn't sound like he has much respect for you or the relationship.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    OK, 50% of the human race is female, so he is bound to know some women and have a need for their phone #s in his phone, and there are platonic female friends.

    If the issue is he is still pursuing/overenmeshed with other women or ex GFs, then the problem isn't having the women's number in his phone, it is that you don't trust him and that will never work. If he's untrustworthy, that is a bigger problem. He can always look up other women's phone numbers, whether they are in his cellphone list or not, so not having them in his phone won't stop him from calling them if he wants to.

  5. #5
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Accepting pornographic images from a woman he supposedly had only a few dates with, while making payments on an engagement for you, do not add up.

  6. #6

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Quote Originally Posted by HeartGoesOn [Register to see the link]
    Accepting pornographic images from a woman he supposedly had only a few dates with, while making payments on an engagement for you, do not add up.
    Agreed - friendship is one thing, personal porn is another.

  7. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Silicon Valley
    #1 is inappropriate and he should cut off contact with her.

    #2,3 sound like just friends, although I'd keep an eye on #2. You are being controlling about these two and it's natural for him to push back about your jealousy.

    (p.s. how can I get women to send me pornographic pictures?)

  8. #8
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    There's nothing wrong with him having female friends. There's nothing wrong with him having their phone#'s in his cell, and it certainly isn't wrong for him to have a female coworker's phone#. It's not even that big a deal to be friends with someone you went out with once. Sometimes you go out on a first date, and enjoy each others company, but there's no spark. You realize you just weren't meant to be more than that, but still think each other to be cool. So you stay friends. Nothing wrong with that.

    However, I do take issue with the fact that one girl he met on eHarmony that he stayed friends with sent him pornographic images. That's not normal friend behavior, that's crossing the line. As far as the flirty co-worker, I can see why that would bother you, but I don't think there's enough there to say there is something going on. I would let that one go for now. Now, the other co-worker, the one he had wanted to date once: Since she's a co-worker, he might need her phone# for work reasons. But why does he feel the need to send her personal messages? He should keep it professional.

    I don't think you have the right to tell him to remove any phone#'s from his cell. You cannot TELL him what to do. You can tell him your concerns. If he was truly into you, then he'd understand, and it would become a non-issue. You say you trust him. Obviously, you don't. If you did, you'd trust that just because he has some phone#'s in his phone, doesn't mean he's going to cheat on you, or that he's keeping a "rainy day" girl. You either accept this situation the way it is, or you move on.

  9. #9
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Friends is fine. Regular friends. It's pretty much expected.
    But this does seem seedy. More like single man drama on the phone, than a guy who is in a serious relationship. Once in a committed relationship, it's usually expected that that activity would stop.
    I agree, that you can not tell him what to do. You can't force his hand on it. Telling him your concerns should be enough for him to want to do something (reasonable) about it. There is no good explanation for why he is receiving pornographic photos of a girl he used to date casually, and he hasn't stopped contact there.

    I agree with sidehop. He doesn't seem to have respect for you or the relationship. That's not something you can force on him either.

    There is the element of trust: do you trust him or not, and how that can impact the relationship. But it seems to me your trust or lack of it is independent of his choice to receive porn and try to justify why he has a few girls on the go while seeing you. He's choosing to cross that trust, and it's reasonable (IMO) that you'd question it.

  10. #10
    Platinum Member velvette's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    it all sounds OK other than the one sending him porno. having the phone numbers of work mates is a normal thing to have (he DOES have the numbers of guys from work too, right?), and I can see it coming in handy if he needs to call in sick/arrange a shift/whatever. I try to have workmates' contact info too, be it guy or girl. and a LOT of guys tease me at work, steal my phone etc, but it's all in good fun. as long as he's not flirting back, and if you really do trust him, it should be fine. I've been hit on at work, and I'm not going to cut off contact with them because--I work with them! it's better to get along with everyone, at least on the surface. makes for a pleasant work experience.

    do they know he's taken at work? I find that once I let people know I'm in a happy stable relationship, the flirting dropped in intensity. more friendly than aggressive, and quite tolerable.


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