i'm such a wreck right now. Help.Nonchalance fail.

OK. I'm sorry to sound so lame (i hate it) but things are just happening too much too soon. I know I should have stayed the course of nonchalance but i said F it, i'll get it out of my system and then go clean after this. I'll learn what i can and then deal with the reality so i can move on... i think before i can nonchalantly live my life and move on, i needed to get things out of my chest once and for all.

I can give more info on this later since i'm a bit too upset but here it goes... again people, i'm sorry i dont meant to make this lengthy but i was hoping to get a feel of what u folks thought... i promise i'll try to keep it brief and only type what i remember... But its like my heart was just taken away from me...it's only been a week or so of anticipation and the (just found out) three days that passed there was a guy that she met already and i've a feeling she likes him already...

as today progressed, it ultimately went from bad to worse. i was anxious all day....I'm a little too frazzled and confused to put it to words but heres the highlight of the night...

so was I home sorting our laundry from a pile that's been sitting in the living room for a week now when she got home and spending time with our common "friends" . Drunk from the bar. she was telling me how it was so much fun to have that many people at the bar celebrating watching the football game. people were screaming, buying her drinks getting her drunk telling her she looked great etc etc....she was ecstatic. I'm sure being with this guy helped.

Ordinarily I would have been there if we were together and had a great time too but i felt VERY VERY uneasy about the situation so i opted not to go (we talked about it too and I told her i wanted to go but it would make for a very awkward situation). (ididnt know about a guy but had a feeling there was someone).... She was out having the time of her life while i was home trying to get over her MY way (i dont want to binge drink and act hella stupid... i'm too old for that S). She asked me to walk back to the bar with her so i can drive her car back home with her for her work early tomorrow morning. I obliged and we walked.

As we were walking I asked her how she got home. she said "a friend took me home" she said... I asked "a friend?" "yeah" so i INQUIRED a lot more (its going to get worse)... I told her "just be honest and tell me" she said "it was a guy who took me back home. we rode in a cab together..." i FURTHER asked (shouldve stopped there) "was it the same guy who walked you home last night" "yeah"...i KNEW IT!!!! she lied to me last night! First time i know of that she did lie.. "why did you lie to me last night when you told me you walked home alone?" she said "I was afraid to hurt you, and you'll get upset like you are right now"... I dropped it and she said "i hate that you ask me these things like i was unfaithful to you, even when we were together you would ask me that every so often if i've slept with anyone or been with anyone...." i said "how am I not to think that when you dont have sex with me?"... we drove to the drive thru and then i tried to change the subject by asking her how the party went and whatnot... she said it was fun then it came to the point when the discussion led to the lesbian girls again... "do they know that we broke up?" she replied "Yeah and you wouldn't like what they said. THey said *good*, happy that we were broken up".

SSSSS.... I thought we were friends and that they would back me up??? NOOOOO. two faced sunsofb....they're far worse dysfuntional than i am!

now that i think about it, she asked me to pick up her car with her AFTER the guy dropped her off in our house. she wanted to go home and not drive and he offered her a ride in a cab. Then she turned around and asked if i can help her drive her car back home. If i knew about this i wouldnt have done her that favor. i'm not going to be a mat. and i was too stuck up in my own A to have stood up for myself.

We got home and it ended up that we were going to finally have THE talk. No fights, no yelling, nothing. it was an honest conversation that we needed for a long time. I wished we had this not as a break up talk, but a contructive "lets work it out talk" a long time ago... but it just came to this. we waited this long to be honest with each other.

We both talked about how we saw the relationship as, from each other's perspective. I had to rephrase myself several times and it seemed like i was weak with my convictions sometimes but i tried to maintain a confident up beat composure.. i tried to save myself from looking pitiful but she knows me too well to not see i was covering up some stuff that I "agreed" with her on.

She did say she wasn't attracted to me, not almost even when we first met. She was attracted to my personality and it made things better. But as the relationship progressed, even that dwindled and something changed. Her attraction to me faded and first she said "didn't want to say anything because it wasn't something i was sure of. i only say something when I'm definitely sure of it... like right now. i'm over this.im sure of it. im sure i dont want it. I don't see you in that future anymore. I want that for myself but for a while i thought it was you but now i don't see you there."

she said felt that we were never "friends" and I kinda agreed to that. I said my point that she's never been the greatest communicator and i tried and she just didnt want to open up. I was there for her waiting but never been used as that... she also pointed out that I had the right intentions of being a good BF, but wasn't really consistent. That she never felt comfortable with the fact that I had her back all the time. She said sometimes i was "too close" but then "too far"... for the latter part of our relationship, she stayed because she cared for me, felt guilty if she left me and that she would hurt me if she did... I told her I didn't want to be with anyone if they stayed because of guilt... i want someone that wants to be with me because they love me. i told her that's why i wanted to get out of the house and do stuff together... walk hike etc... to which she replied "but even if we were just home, you would be on your computer or your phone"...

she said "we just are not meant to be together. I believed that at one point we were but now i don't. We're just friends, if even that."

I said " this is exactly what we should have been talking about when we said we were going to "fix" our problems.We should have sat down and talked like this"

She said "but it's moot point now. this is how i'm feeling. I wish it were like TV where the exes can be friends but i know you don't want to" "i agree that there were times when looking back now, you forced things to happen."

I said " i do want to be friends, but i don't think i can handle that now. I can't just be friends with you. I'll tell you this one last time. You know I love you. I want to be with you. I promised myself i won't look like a fool anymore to any woman and i'm not gonna do it here. its the last time i'll say that. I just want to know where you and I are right now and based on that, i will do my own thing"

she said "well you've been apparently looking for an apartment for months now"

I replied "Only i didn't follow through with getting one either. I took you seriously when you said we'll work it out so i dropped it...but we never did try to find a way to make it better"

I followed "what do you need now? what do you want"

She said " i want space, lets just handle this day by day as it comes and figure it out..."

I said " yeah i need space too. i don't need you to live. you're not the end all be all." (nicely of course)

she got up and went to bed and before anything else I said " if you want to even be friends, drop that BS of not telling me immediately. It never helped us before and if that continues its not going to make this anybetter either"

between all that I found myself (big mistake) asking about the guy whom she met yesterday (i think) he's a marine who's around our age 27-30, the lesbians' friend of course who hangs at the bar she likes. She hated how i asked about him and said "why are u asking about him? he's not even relevant, i hate that you ask"... i know i shouldn't have but i felt the more i knew, the more reason for me to move on.

I know myself. Deep down I KNOW i need to go NC now. But her saying her wish to be friends makes it an attractive solution to this but i know ultimately if i dont leave, change myself, regain that personality back, i will never get her back or more importantly myself.

Honestly, part of me wishes to be there for her and make her see that i've changed. Stay at home and show a completely different side of me to her. Be her friend. Be a dependable man. Be a man. be the man she originally thought I would be. She knows well i want to make her happy. I just never knew how to.

But another part of me wants to leave. I know being here and in my current state I cannot be that "dependable man". I don't want to be trampled on, be abused, beg for a morsel of her love and then . I am not myself and havent been in a long time. We both lost ourselves to ourselves by trying too hard. She said her she's not comfortable with me at all right now and if i am the "factor" of uncomfortable-ness, then it will only drive her to the other guy's heart by him being the fun guy she spends time with and me being the no fun drama guy.

I read somewhere that FEAR of LOSING HER is a big factor for unattraction and im really feeling that right now. I guess everything is just so convaluted i dont know which was is up, or the right way of how to do things. I can't be a nonchalant man when i have ulterior motives that are bursting out my neck.

I've made up my mind. I cannot be around her knowing she's had an attraction to this guy; met him on friday, let her walk her home once on saturday and ride in a cab the next day... she's already had the "i can't see you because i have this in my life and my ex still lives with me" and something along the lines of "im not ready to date yet or kiss or hug or any of that". she's downplayed it several times along the conversation but the more i prodded, the more came out. I'm sure there's a lot more there than what she's told me but it's enough for me to say I'm not going to be the pitiful guy and make you feel like i'm dragging you down by hanging around where i'm not wanted or just put aside for the meantime. I'm better than that. I've got a master's in social work degree, a program director at age 31 for alzheimer's unit in a major metropolitan area for a major company. True i've not taken care of my credit, i smoke and i have a crappy car and i've got some bad habits. but i loved her genuinely with the intentions of making her happy. i didnt intend to be needy or whiney or fat... i let myself go and it's time for me to reclaim that. My passion and my desire to make her happy should be a positive attribute. i didnt want our lives to just be an entangled alcoholic mess.

She's a very sweet, beautiful and very sexy woman who's down to earth, don't get me wrong. there's a bunch of reasons why i love her. But right now it's not our time, if ever it is. I am beginning to see that.

Frankly I think she's sabotaging this to make it end sooner... I'm more concerned now about her having another man already and i'm not going to be "that guy" and just want to leave.

ugh. I'm thinking about it now and it just keeps playing in my head. I am so mortified about what she's done (technically we were already broken up) and it's only been a week official since we broke up!! We still live together! and she's out there with some other guy already??? and she expects me to respect her now? I take back everything I said. Ugh.

i think the smartest move you could make at this point is to move out. this situation isn't healthy for either of you.

You gotta move out. ASAP. You can't be around and show her changes because every time you're around she'll resent you for it. She's relying on booze and some rebound to move on which is not healthy. I can see this blowing up in a much worse fashion than ever. Get out, quit smoking, join a gym, and be a better person in general.

Stop asking about the other guy. Not our problem anymore, you're not together. You're just being more and more needy having to know everything about her and what she does. And what happens everytime you know? You feel worse. So stop. Don't ask, don't tell. Move out, and work on yourself (yeah yeah cliche). You cannot be nonchalant if this is affecting you so much.

What a horrible situation you're in. I definitely agree that you should move out, and I would do as soon as you can, this is not good for you. Have you got a friend you can stay with or something?

Makeitcount's right. You CAN'T be no nonchalant as things stand, only when you can take a step back from it. If you feel you need to know anything about what she's doing, write a journal, or vent on here, its cathartic. Good luck.

Mrs Popsicle

part of what had happened i think was that she couldnt

be honest with herself or with me. i tried to be a friend to her but any attempts to engage in some other actvity other the bar or most anything that involves alcohol she would have an excuse... hiking was too difficult too cold walkong around to the beach was too cold etc. i let my self be spiraled out of control with her and it

did not help me or us at all. im looking for an apartment now and have seen one. im looking at two tonight.

this mornin i told her right before i left, "if the other guy was no big deal then you wouldnt have lied about it, even if i get as much numbers as i do or get bought drinks all the time, i tell u. because its not a big deal". i left for work super early so i wont see her at all. later on she texted me "please stop being mad at me". i did not reply anymore. it seems to me shes saying that because she feels bad about how she really feels... not wanting to be with me. no way do i interpret that as a positive sign. shes saying she feels bad for the decision shes making and making me feel but not about any changes how she really feels.. just feels bad feeling that way.

yeah i am glad im handling this better, even with the slight breakdowns (never cried just sounded pitiful or angry) ive not drank or partied to get over her. ive been going home doing laundry and goin to bed at an early time. ive got a cloud above my head but im trying to move forward, slowly and painfully for the meantime. when i get home tonight, ill just do my own thing and shut my pie hole. NIC for the meantime until i can leave.

Yeah it probably made it more difficult that she wasn't being totally honest-it sucks and it's made you waste your time and energy trying to be friends when her actions show that she didn't really want to. And you are doing well in a difficult situation, just try to maintain your progress. Is there anything you can do towards moving in the meantime, to keep your eye on your goal? I don't know, packing or something? Keep your eye on the future, it's difficult now but try to look forwards to the new nonchalant you!

Mrs Popsicle

Dude, stop talking to her about the new guy. The more you do that the more she'll think she's making the right decision. Accept that she doesn't want to be with you, accept that yes, eventually you'll both date other people. All you're doing is being jealous and needy when you ask about the new guy. I'm in the same boat, except I don't have any contact with her. It's SO much better not knowing. Leave it be. STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

If you can at least pretend it doesn't bother you she'll start wondering why.

just not sure how ill be doing again when i get home tonight. ill try to be strong. pointers?

shes upset that im upset. im not sure what or how that counts but shes feeling bad that i feel this way. i need time to heal to "look and feel good".

just not sure how ill be doing again when i get home tonight. ill try to be strong. pointers?

go about your business, try and seem happy. I don't need to tell you what NOT to talk about. I don't like beating a dead horse. TRY to be nonchalant at least. Bite your tongue if she says something that pisses you off, dismiss it.

tough, but ok. avoid any probing questions, keep a game face on... im thinking to hit thw gym and play until bedtime or eat dinner somewhere else

Definitely hit the gym. Hard. Get those endorphins pumping. It'll help with your attitude when you're at home. And I wouldn't eat dinner somewhere else. Eat at home, be comfortable at home. Just be calm and collected. If she goes out, let her. When she comes home, don't question her.

she said "please stop bein mad"... what else am i suppose to feel? happy? i want to text her a response o that soooo bad but ill try to keep it here just to be safe and not say anything pathwtic or weak

"im not anything. i understand how its not anymore either of our business wht the other person does. i reacted poorly to the situation and have for the better part of us, let myself go in various ways; be it my attitude, my physique or the way i became who i was. this is man u see isnt the real me and i need to regain that man bAck for myself. u said u wanted o work things out and all my suggestions were stupid and yet u could not come up with a solution any better than mine. at least i really put thought in it. as far as im concerned contrary to what we discussed last night i still think u could have done more to make this better. i was a great boyfriend and even woth the lack of your i put managed to come up woth pretty interesting ways to make u smile wen ur sad, and feel supported when u neede to."

instead i can text this in response to her follow up text "are u going home fr dinner, be in petaluma or what?"

i texted: not going to pet tonight and will eat dinner here in the city. thanks tho."

"i appreciate that thought if u were caring about asking about cooking for us tonight and/or if u were including me with your dinner plans at home, thank u for that. But i dont want u to do anything because u feel guilty or feel the need that u have to do anything like that or go out of your way for me anymore. i understand if you would rather go do something else with your friends tonight or any other nite if that is what u would really like. just dont do it at my home. however, if its something else, I do not appreciate u asking me where im eating if u are just checking in to see if u can go out or not with anyone. do what u want, just not in my face or behind my back. im not an idiot. dont treat me like one."

is it too much anger? i would like to keep it cool and nonchalant but i feel the text would be somewhat to regain some dgnity ive lost... i dont know should i send the latter about dinner?

i think the best response is nothing at all. come on me, i can do that...let it go bogswagen let it go.... 

Agree on not sending thAt longer text. How are you doing? Also how did apt looking go?

looked at a couple no winner just yet. ive got bad credit so its pretty limiting but im movin forward. man i cant wait till im out of here

i know this is going to sound selfish but does ot

matter if shes worried im mad at her?

got home immediately argued. i brought up the otr guy again talked about how we fight all the tine and why she's so done with it.... geez i have this ruin thing pat down..

Sorry bro, it is hard to control your emotions when you are full of them! Best to stay away from her as much as possible and avoid these type of discussions. keep it all business and get out of there as soon as possible.

Gotta stop doing that.

im a social worker by trade. i work with families all the time and i finally came to the point tonight of this

has got to stop. ryt before i went to bed on couch i suggested

this idea. i summarized it in text form but i basically said im tired of coming home to arguments. i wanna channel this negative vibe into positive... by not focusin on us hatin each other but on smething else... i told her i hated how i felt very uncomfortable going home due to the hostility between us. i sense she got tired but this is the text i sent before i hit the sack:

i know my suggestion might seemed stupid pointless and dumb but mull it over. try it. try to get on the same page as me this time. if u can give me ideas cool.lets start to respect our home. clean it,put something up, make it better. make it ours. put a positive vibe between us in the air...making it homey can be something the two of us are doing together until i find a place...cheesy to say but yeah. we can at least leave this place knowing even if we didnt get back together, we stopped fighting and created a home together for a minute, for at least that. i hate to think our last days together was spent hating each other and fighting. for real. i dont want to be in meda papers dead due to art supply massacre over something like who hogs the blanket (you). it be better if we were both cool

I wrote a long reply, but I've pretty much condensed it into this

STOP TEXTING HER and also stop making plans to do things together-if she wanted to fix up your home she would have done it when you were together.

Seriously, post on here instead of texting her

I'm a chronic texter, I used to not be able to stop myself from texting my ex even when I KNEW it was painting me in a bad light and making things worse. If you feel like texting her, leave your phone at home and go out for a walk, start writing a journal and make a goal to write 10 pages before you decide what to do.

Whatever she replies to that text is going to do you more damage-if she agree you'll find it harder to move on, if she disagrees you'll be hurt. You're handing over control when you send a text like that.

ugh jesus christ i gotta get outta here. just thought it wouldve been useful for the time being until i bounce. she did seem hesitant but had that "we'll see how u stick to that." iono. but i do want to keep things civil between the two of us so i jist acknowledged the fact that we argued a lot and it has got to stop even if im here at home. we'll see how i stick withit unfil i leave.

she said "its too late im past that, im done...", and "i said i am too but really for the time being id really like to not argue anymore and if we're both distracted with something positive that isnt focused om that. if we are to live for the time being i wanna live in harmony." she said "how about we just stop arguing?"yeah but ur just basically repressing ur anger but not dping anything about it" it sorta got heated for a while but she did seem that her interest was tickled...but really shouldnt matter. at one point she said "u think ur always right and im wrong so i just say im sorry" i reframed her by saying "im not but if u think im wrong then i dare u to challenge me and tell me bout y im wrong." she replied "arguing about things arent constructive". i said "exactly! i agree so talk me instead of yelling just think the "home"thing over." then thats hen i sent that text. ugh... i need a distraction when this happens...

i am just going to be a man of my word and do positivethings not related to her at home for the time while im here and then move out.

Bogswagen

You seem preoccupied with keeping things civil? I know you have to live with her, in the same building but you don't have to LIVE with her, if you see what I mean. Start making that break away now, if not physically, then emotionally. You don't have to make things civil for any more, you don't have to do ANYTHING for her anymore.

Mrs Popsicle

i guess yeah im preoccupied because i still live with her in the meantime. right befire i left the house she made sure i took the lunches she made for us...

how do u suggest i behave when im at home? i cannor waste my time anymore lookin pitiful but its pretty difficult not to be attached to ur emotions. i mentioned before, before she met me i had enough conidence in me straight guys would be buyin me drinks at the bar. i was that guy that she fell in love with. i was happy o be that guy. i want that guy back now

and even while im home with her i need to start behaving like that now..i was an alpha male and i knew it. i was naturally cocky, funny and knew when to do what. i literally can make out with anyone i saw within 5-10mins of meeting them. that ballsy. i didnt read any books or articles to have become who i was, i was as my PUA friend said.. a natural. he hated it because he would have to read tons of books and i just simply rolled with it. i work in te mental field, i read human behavior for a living... i set goals and plan interventions. i had good money.

i still make good money now but have bad credit (thus unable to buy a confidence builing car, i drive a

car that has roof leaks and floods) and my difficulty to find a rental place. some of the places where i would draw my confidence went sour... my body my car and now this is a big ego breaker... (ur not physically attractive to me)...

wen im at work or out i feel a bit better, and i ackmowledged the being civil part because all we do is argue and we both feel horrible coming home to this house... i thought it was

a good idea to make it a bit more liveable. she did make an effort before but lately clothes are just laying around, dishes need to be done, her art etc... i also realize by gettin mad at her when she was being honest with me

just pushes her away from being hones with me in the future... not that it matters

right now of course

i need to just get rollin.