Do you have to invite a sibling to your wedding?

I am getting married this fall and today I had kind of an argument with my mom as to whether or not I should invite my younger sister. Now my sister and I have never gotten along, ever, we have a long history of fighting and animosity, plus I also consider her to be a degenerate. In the last few years you could probably count the number of words I've said to her on one hand and in all honesty I would be perfectly content if I never saw or talked to her again for the rest of my life. She is just someone who I want nothing to do with. Now I have no intention of inviting her, in fact I have made it clear that she is not invited; my mom however feels that I am required to invite her and has shown her displeasure with my decision, even hinted to me that she may not attend the wedding if I don't invite my sister (not that I think she would actually do that). But I feel that it is my wedding and I have the right to invite who I want and not invite who I want, and its nobody's place to tell me otherwise (other than my fiance). My future wife supports my decision. I also think that the favoritism that my parents have shown toward my sister, which I won't get into here, also has a great deal to do with this. But I'm just curious to see what other people think about this, and maybe if anybody has been in a similar situation and how you dealt with it. Thank you.

Just invite your sister. You probably won't even see much of her on the day. It is really really important for parents on big days like wedding days that they feel like they've done a good job in raising a happy family. It's one day, and it'll keep your family content. The ramifications of NOT inviting your sister will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Invite your sister. Down the road at least you won't end up kicking yourself for not inviting her. I can understand why your parents are upset. Unless your sister is the type of person who will get drunk or stoned and create a big scene, then I don't see the point of excluding her.

Invite your sister. Down the road at least you won't end up kicking yourself for not inviting her. I can understand why your parents are upset. Unless your sister is the type of person who will get drunk or stoned and create a big scene, then I don't see the point of excluding her.

I agree with this 100%. It seems that not inviting her will cause more drama than sending the invite.

I am also curious to hear what others say on this matter.

I have two older sisters (we're each a year apart) and I didn't grow up with them. They grew up with my mom, and I grew up alone with my father. The first time I ever had contact with them (old enough to figure each other out) they were snotty girls, the eldest was a recovering drug addict who had been a prostitute, stripper and active in porn since she was barely 15, and the middle one was so air headed she'd not only take candy from a stranger, she'd tie herself up and throw herself into their trunk if they said it was a game. They confided in each other and neglected me. One time when the eldest saw my ex beating me up, I was crying and screamed for my eldest sister to help or call help - she said "not my problem" and walked away literally. The middle one said I "effed up" my life because I got pregnant and decided to keep the child (my lovely daughter) instead of having an abortion promptly.

So as you can see, I have a terrible relationship with my sisters.

I do plan on getting married someday - and I don't think I'd even consider inviting them nor do I think they'd care whether or not they were invited.

just invite her...she wont be in the way. It would suck if it was the other way around and you didnt get invited..plus she might not even go.

I think we need more information about your sister to give you the best advice. Do you think she will do something at your wedding? There are circumstance where not inviting a family member is 100% understandable. If you sister is someone you do not respect, who is likely to do something on you wedding to to cause conflict, etc then I would agree that not inviting her is your best option. OR invite her and make it clear that she will be removed if she does anything to disrupt the day.

Yeah I'd just invite her. If you two don't get along, she probably won't even show up. Then she'll look like the jack ass, not you.

Sounds like you could unburden yourself of a lot of these problems, and shift all the dilemmas and worrying to other people, by just not inviting your sister. I agree that the wedding is primarily for you and your spouse. Let your mom post on this forum if she's unsure whether she should still attend your wedding or not.

I think you should invite her. Let whatever happened in the past stay in the past and move on. Show her that you are the 'bigger person' and invite her to your wedding.

I think we need more information about your sister to give you the best advice. Do you think she will do something at your wedding? There are circumstance where not inviting a family member is 100% understandable. If you sister is someone you do not respect, who is likely to do something on you wedding to to cause conflict, etc then I would agree that not inviting her is your best option. OR invite her and make it clear that she will be removed if she does anything to disrupt the day.

I honestly don't know if she would cause an incident or conflict, but I wouldn't put it past her. If I had to guess I would think she more likely make some kind of rude comment or remark or do something else inappropriate, in which case I would totally want to flip my sh!t on her and eject her. Plus just the sight of her seriously irritates me almost to the point of making me angry, and I just don't want someone there who is going to illicit that kind of a reaction from me just by their presence. My wedding is suppossed to be the happiest day of my life and I don't want that kind of element there. And no I do not respect her, to make a long story short she ha always been an extremely nasty, shallow, amoral, and selfish person who has put my parents through absolute hell over the years with her never-ending crap. So u can see why I don't want her there. Plus if the situation were reversed as someone else said my mom would have no problem with her excluding me from her wedding (not that I would have any problem with it). In my family there has always been a double standard for her and I

And to theposter with the two nasty sisters you totally understand where I am coming from.

There's a lovely gentleman here, whose posts you need to read.

I think no one would argue that his sister is a complete and utter screwball. I supported him in not inviting her, because, while I often agree with what many above said, she was horribly toxic, and I thought "Really- how bad could it get?"

It gets pretty bad. It gets TV Miniseries bad. The poor guy is in hell...Most of it caused by him standing his ground and doing the right thing. He had every right to not want her there. He had every right to not invite her.

It still blew up in his face.

Only you know your family, and the extremes to which they'll take a family drama.

All I am saying, is anticipate ALL foreseeable consequences, and make the decision you are sure you can live with......

Invite your sister. Down the road at least you won't end up kicking yourself for not inviting her.

But it sounds like the OP may end up kicking himself for inviting her.

A wedding is about bringing two families together. As much as everybody thinks it's all about the bride, you have to remember who is paying for the giant party and what the purpose really is; the event of two families getting to know each other.

It is horribly immature of you not to invite your sister. It's rude of you to do that to your mother. Put your best foot forward, make good with your sister, and invite her.

I disagree that it is immature. We don't know the details of their relationship/history. There are times when a person has to cut a family member out of their life. I always disagree that if someone is putting money towards a wedding they instantly get a say in the guest list.

I think people spend too much time worrying about all the bad things that 'could' happen, when in reality MOST weddings do go off without any problems. I could have stressed out until no end about my husbands friends being drunk a****, like they have the tendency to do (especially with free alcohol!) but there were absolutely no problems at all. And if there were, honestly, I could have never known because I was so busy that night I barely had time to take a breath. MOST people WILL be respectful for ONE night despite their feelings on every other given day.

I do agree that people who give you money towards your event do not have free rein, but it's ridiculous to expect they will not have requests. My husband and I funded almost our entire wedding out of our pockets, because well, it was OUR wedding and we felt our responsibility. My parents, however, did give us a little money and my mom asked if she could pick one of the appetizers, which I had no problem with at all. I personally think unless you have some concrete reason for not inviting her (ie. she has made threats in regards to your wedding, has threatened your fiance, etc) you should just invite her. Maybe she'll come, maybe she won't, but I do think it would be the right thing to do. But, that is my opinion, and not everyone will agree with it.

+1 for the "invite her" camp

You will be SO busy, I doubt you'll even notice her. You don't have to talk to her, either... If you DON'T invite her it will cause ALL sorts of drama "Oooh... did you see the sister is not invited? Why is the sister not invited". Guests will talk. Your parents will be embarrassed... and why? For spite? You won't even see her. Makes NO sense to me.

Invite her, then ignore her. It will buy you a priceless amount of happiness for your parents with zero effort. Play deaf and cheerful if sis mouths off. Just miss it and let it fall flat--then she'll look like the idiot providing you don't steal that role from her with an adolescent reaction that shows how easily your childhood buttons can be pressed.

Weddings are as much about your wife's family as your own, and you'll need to live forever more with the impression you make on these people. Demonstrate your skills at diplomacy, minimize the importance of whatshername in the scheme of things, and enjoy your day with pride.

There is much more to this story but here is the sparknotes version:

My friend K was getting married to S. S's mother, B, is an someone who always needs the spot light on her. Both K and S where not sure if they wanted her at the wedding. K invited her to the wedding anyway to try and be nice and make peace with some things that happened in the past. B showed up in a bight blue prom dress and no bra (she is a...curvy lady). B had demanded that her daughter be part of the wedding party, she showed up in flip-flops (it was a formal wedding). During the ceremony B and her daughter made silly faces at each other the whole time (which several guest commented on the K). She then made comments through out the day that were super disrespectful and even made one of the bridesmaids cry. At the reception B got very drunk and started making a scene until S threated to throw her out.

K and S not longer have anything to do with B and they each regret that she was there that day. For them, she ruined the day.

Awfully sorry to hear that, and you make a good point. If the fear is that sis will blow the place sky high with behavior (dress doesn't count, there are clowns at every wedding) then privately appoint ahead of time 2 or 3 friends to keep her in their vision and play bouncer if necessary. By bouncer, this means reporting her to the facility staff rather than manhandling her. Otherwise, the amount of 'control' you have over any given guest is a waste of your day--and that's a decision you get to make. Your focus is where you opt to place it, and if you want your parents to be fully and gleefully invested in YOUR day, then don't detract from it by picking this time to make a political statement about your sibling.

Thank you to everyone for the replies. Right now I'm really still leaning toward not inviting her, and if my mom is offended by it thats her problem. I think that what is most important when you consider inviting someone to your wedding is the relationship that you have with the person, which is basically a very bad relationship when it comes to her, and because of that I feel that the fact that she's my sister is irrelevant. As I said earlier she is someone who I want nothing to do with, and if I never talk to her again that would be just fine. What also really irritates me about this whole situation is that my mom is completely unwilling to respect my wishes at my wedding. I feel like she is making it about her and should keep out of it. Plus my mom has never once considered that if my sister had not been such a selfish and amoral person her entire life (which she continues to be to this day) that none of this would be an issue, but that would mean my mom actually making my sister take some responsibility for her actions/behavior which neither of my parents have EVER done and aren't likely to do anytime this century.

And just a little more background on my sister: she was almost expelled from her high school and only graduated because my parents threatened the school district with a lawsuit if they didn't graduate her, she has been arrested before, she has used drugs before, she surrounds herself and associates with the dregs of society, and has spent time in a mental institution (not even kidding). But in spite of it all both of my parents think she is this perfect little angel who can do no wrong.

. Plus my mom has never once considered that if my sister had not been such a selfish and amoral person her entire life (which she continues to be to this day) that none of this would be an issue, but that would mean my mom actually making my sister take some responsibility for her actions/behavior which neither of my parents have EVER done and aren't likely to do anytime this century.

So...is keeping her out of a happy and blessed family celebration less selfish? I would invite her. Who knows, she may not even show if things are as you say, but by inviting her you are being the bigger person. Now, are you the only one in your family who has a problem with your sister or does everybody? I don't mean people commenting about her lifestyle, but people who have a direct conflict with her. If its only you, it would constitute a personality conflict and not that she is some dangerous criminal. And you know, I have heard many stories where when someone makes a gesture to someone who is outcast, it changes their heart.

I know you see your mother's behavior as favoritism, but are you sure your mother isn't favoring your sister, but just trying to always show that she has a good side just because you and other people might be out against her or to point out how bad she is? They have to try a little harder to find or promote her good qualities?

Also, the other benefit is if your sister DOES come, you can enlist your mom or a favorite cousin of hers to sort of act as damage control so she doesn't bug you - to keep her busy. However, if her actions and behaviors are about life choices and not about someone who screams or yells at funerals and weddings, etc, you could be surprised that she behaves like a normal wedding guest. If she hasn't seen family in awhile, she may be so occupied with catching up that she will hardly see you.

As far as your mother considering if your sister is amoral and selfish, your mother is her mother and she loves your sister, even if it might be difficult sometimes. She may be aware of her shortcomings, but she is not going to stop loving her because she made bad choices.

And just a little more background on my sister: she was almost expelled from her high school and only graduated because my parents threatened the school district with a lawsuit if they didn't graduate her, she has been arrested before, she has used drugs before, she surrounds herself and associates with the dregs of society, and has spent time in a mental institution (not even kidding). But in spite of it all both of my parents think she is this perfect little angel who can do no wrong.

I think your parents just needed to act as advocates for her. You didn't need them to do that for you, so you think they favored her. I think this issue is your issue that you need to look at . My brother always thought my parents favored me. No they did not. They just had to shuttle me to more medical appointments and stuff and he saw that as favoritism. Was that fun for me? no. Your sister needed your parents help more than you and you need to put that aside and be thankful for what you are and what you have become. If your sister has mental issues some of it could have been genetic which you fortunately didn't inherit and she couldn't help. People that need a little help aren't helped by being ostracized. Maybe you can even tell your mom that if she acts up, would your mom go take a walk with her to calm her or have a "plan b" on your day to mitigate the situation. But it is unlikely that your sister would hang out at your wedding taking drugs and bring 5 drug dealers with her. You are only thinking about the worst case scenario.

That is quite a story, and from reading some of that guy's it looks as if he is not doing any better. While I don't think anything even close to that would happen in my situation, as my family and extended family just isn't that unified, it does give me something to consider. And your right that guy should make his story into a movie or a tv miniseries.

You don't seem to understand the implications of even considering not inviting her to your wedding have on your mom.

Weddings are pretty much the only events when families are presented to each other. It's really the ONLY formal event where you have the opportunity and obligation to present a family. Your reasons for going against the grain and specifically not inviting your sister are:

You don't like her.

She makes you sick to look at her.

You feel that your mom likes her better.

You want to show her how little she means to you.

All this is pulled out of your opening post. These are incredibly poor reasons for making such a decision. For your mother, you're asking her to get all dolled up and present an amputated version of her family because you can't get over your childhood quibbling with your sister. On her the implications are:

She's failed as a mother.

She is the woman who would go somewhere where her own daughter is specifically uninvited.

She is the person who would support one child in excluding another.

I know you think this wedding is all about having people you like behave in the way you want to, but this is not a puppet dance, it's alot more complicated.

Invite your sister.