Is it unreasonable to not tolerate yelling at all?

I think I've always been lucky in that my boyfriends were never yellers. When we had arguments, it was more about sarcasm and angry words than actual voice raising.

When I was young, my mother and father fought viciously; plenty of screaming and name calling. Then my mom began dating another man who would scream at her all the time (sometimes hit her) and as a kid in that environment, it's really scary and unsettling.

Now I feel like if a boyfriend ever yelled at me that way, I would be out of there. Not that I equate yelling with abuse necessarily...it just makes me very uncomfortable. I think it's scary and disrespectful and unattractive and would completely turn me off the person. When I hear yelling, I start preparing myself for somebody to be hit.

Is that odd? Even watching "The Breakup" just now and hearing Vince Vaughn yelling is making me want to change the channel. Seems like I have a really low emotional tolerance for it, but I also think that's probably stupid because surely everybody yells sometimes?

What about all of you, do you/your partners yell at each other during fights?

I can probably only think of a handful of times we've ever raised our voices at each othe in the 7 years we've been together. I will not tolerate it, and make it known that if his voice is raising...I am walking away. I can't even recall the last time we raised our voices...but then again we very rarely get into it, or fight or have arguments. I know I wouldn't tolerate yelling at me as 'normal' and acceptable behaviour.

I can probably only think of a handful of times we've ever raised our voices at each othe in the 7 years we've been together. I will not tolerate it, and make it known that if his voice is raising...I am walking away. I can't even recall the last time we raised our voices...but then again we very rarely get into it, or fight or have arguments. I know I wouldn't tolerate yelling at me as 'normal' and acceptable behaviour.

Yeah, my fiance yelled at me once in the 6 years we were together and I never forgot it. It wasn't the norm in our relationship either. I think my issue is, whenever I heard yelling in the past, somebody inevitably got hurt or put in a scary situation - but then I think that's probably an extreme example and not everybody who yells intends to hurt. So maybe it can be a normal reaction sometimes? I have no idea. I just don't like it.

I think if yelling is a deal breaker for you than it's a dealbreaker. Nothing wrong with that. I've never dated anyone who yelled so I don't know how I react to it.

I was raised in a household where voices were never raised...so for me, thats normal. Raising my voice is not something I do, or that crosses my mind, or I feel the need to.

I'm with you - my parents fought a lot and it makes me cringe. also like you, most of me and my former boyfriends, we never really fought or argued, mainly because i dated a lot of men who preferred to walk away or avoid issues. it's far better to talk things out rationally.

i hated that movie the breakup. how awful and depressing. i much preferred wedding crashers

My dad has a short temper and would always yell and scream at us. I remember being afraid of him as a child, so when I began dating I never tolerated it. My boyfriend has never once raised his voice at me. I purposely made sure that the man I am with has an even temperament and is pretty easy going. I also made sure he liked his job, because my dad always came home miserable and complaining. My boyfriend loves his job, so I got both of what I wanted. When my boyfriend and I argue, we can say mean words at times, but no one raises their voice.

Yelling, swearing, name-calling... All of this is unecessary and has no place in a loving relationship, IMO.

I would never tolerate someone yelling at me. I don't like yelling in general (I find it annoying when people yell at the TV when sports are on). I would never want to be yelled at.

I was brought up in a very chaotic family environment (parents argued CONSTANTLY) and dad has an extremely violent temper (no physical abuse though) this has really affected me alot as it seems I literally freeze whenever I get yelled at by my s/o, and tense up, feel really queasy and uncomfortable.

Last three exs had awful tempers.

=/ I need to change this cycle.

I tend to hate it (as I'm peace loving in general) so I tend to withdraw and give one word replies or I walk away.

I was raised in a household were my parents screamed at each other. I can NOT be around a couple that yells at each other... I literally flash back to being six years old hiding behind the couch while my parents yelled at each other. It tears my nerves up.

That said, I know I raise my voice a lot when CS and I are arguing, especially when I'm trying to get a point accross, and it's somethign I need to work on.

Depends on the circumstancess I guess. I'd rather have someone that expressed themselves outwardly than bottled everything up and never really let out their emotions

If it's just a vent that's driven by frustration for example, I can deal with that, and if it quickly subsides then I don't see it as a major problem

But if it's swearing or personal attacks or screaming and ranting for the sake of it that's a bit different and if it becomes a cycle, so everytime there is a point of difference the other person deals with it by yelling I'd see that as a problem too

Everyone is human and I just don't like the whole drone thing, sometimes people do get very upset and angry and they yell, it's human nature.

Saying that, I can't remember the last time I ever yelled in an argument but my partner has her moments for sure

My ex used to yell when we first got together, but when I raised MY VOICE, she stopped. I don't think it's right to yell at one another. I used to have a bad anger problem when I was younger and I yelled a lot. I also think it's a little un realistic to think neither party will ever yell at eachother. It happens. Just realise that they're only mad and don't mean it.

My ex had a temper that I didn't see for awhile. He would never yell anything abusive or mean, but he would just YELL REALLY, REALLY LOUD when he got angry or frustrated. It upset me so much that I would start crying, and his yelling wouldn't stop because once he got started he couldn't stop.

I couldn't have lived with someone like that for the rest of my life.

My bf and I were both brought up in homew where our fathers were abusive alcoholics who yelled at everyone all the time. I hate yelling and so does my bf. You are not a drone if you don't yell, you just know how to express strong emotions in a civilized manner. I think yelling is rather neanderthal, really. We have disagreements to be sure, but we never raise our voices.

I think you have a very healthy set of boundaries. I too was raised in a chaotic and violent household. I've, unfortunately, tolerated yelling in the past. I won't tolerate it anymore. It's abuse.

I don't like yelling, either. If you can't talk in a normal voice, I won't communicate with you at all.

I think you have a very healthy set of boundaries. I too was raised in a chaotic and violent household. I've, unfortunately, tolerated yelling in the past. I won't tolerate it anymore. It's abuse.

Its abuse? I've definitely raised my voice in arguments... so did the other parties. Even just debates. I think it might depend on the yelling, like whats being said. I'd never tolerate nasty insults being yelled at me. However, in an argument passion flares up.I never thought of myself as abusive, nor the other person raising their voice. I've never been exposed to any really abusive behavior before though. Having said that, it seems like you know your boundaries and thats really good. Its important to make your partner aware of them. I certainly have boundaries that might seem "oversensitive", like I can't handle someone bailing when having a discussion, I need to be able to talk things out. Also I certain teasing (sarcasm especially), its easy for me to see it as disrespect.

Everyone has their different boundaries and pet peeves, thus you choose a partner that respects them. It seems a little extreme to label all yelling or voice raising as abusive.

I only say its abusive because it feels like an act of intimidation. My ex would resort to yelling whenever he got frustrated. He'd get up in my face, raging. My boss does this too. She's done it to so many people that people are simply afraid to disagree with her, I'm sure she thinks this works for her because she feels powerful. But really, no one respects her and it causes problems.

My mother would yell right before she broke out the electric cord and whipped me with it. Another ex I had would yell and slam things around.

None of this behavior facilitates healthy communication.

I do think yelling is an act of emotional abuse. And then, of course, the apology always goes like this, "I'm sorry I lost my temper but you just make me so mad sometimes." Which is exactly how physical abusers apologise.

I've had plenty of relationships where no one raised thier voice but we were able to discuss frustrations in the relationship.

You say that you won't tolerate someone walking away from an argument. If someone starts yelling at me, I absolutely will walk away. I'm not about to risk escalation.

I guess I've never experienced much yelling that could be categorized as abuse. In the scenarios you've described it definitely sounds abusive and awful! I was thinking more along the lines of the many debates (political, religious, musical) that involved all parties eventually raising their voices. Im my family sometimes playing a board game was enough to make us erupt into raising voices, mostly none of it was mean spirited. It seems like I'm around quite a few people who raise their voice during debates. I don't typically yell at people, but if someone is yelling at me I will yell back. I suppose since there has never been any yelling that corresponded with insults or physical abuse it just doesn't make me as sensitive to it. I can think of a couple of times I have been yelled at and it came out of nowhere so I had no response and it made me feel pretty bad, I don't like people being really angry with me. You are right that it doesn't facilitate communication.

When I described someone walking away from a discussion, I was thinking particularly of my ex who would yell a lot actually (he loved to argue), if he didn't like what I was saying sometimes he'd just try to up and leave without resolving a thing. If I were screaming at someone I could totally understand them walking off. I was mainly thinking of my friends and family that raise their voices in debates, if everyone engages it can't be abusive.

It's not odd, yelling is not even communication. It's just another form of displaying anger in trying to harm the other's feeling even if it's not intended to. It's worse when there are children involved. Such yelling and screaming they have similar effects of someone being emotionally and physically abused.

I never cough my parents yelling in my life to each other. My ma sometimes yell at us but we know she loves us as much as we love her.

I discovered that I'm sometimes a yeller when I don't get my chance to express myself but I'm always aware if the person I'm dealing with is a man or a woman cuz I learned that yelling at a woman is the shortest way to unresolved problems.

I think theres another angle to this topic...if someone (significant other) is behaving in a manner that creates in you the need to yell, get out of that relationship...find someone who respects you and not someone that creates trouble and is self-centered, double standard etc.

With my last ex, I could be a yeller. But I could tell it would escalate when he would just keep saying "shhh" and try to force hugs on me and not let me leave the room. It drove me INSANE, I can't really describe it. I felt like that was just as terrible as yelling because he was totally ignoring me and basically treating me like a child. I have never screamed like that with another person, but even thinking about those fights now makes my skin crawl. I do not want to be a yeller in a relationship, but good god I do not want to be treated like that again either.