My man shows up unannounced, and now he's mad at me!! WTH?!?

Recently my man just shows up at my home unannounced (AGAIN). He has done this several times against my wishes. I've expressed that if he gave me heads up of his arrival, I could be better prepared for him. He insists that if we love each other, we should be able to drop in anytime we want. I would never do that to him. We only been dating for 7 months, and it is still important to me that we make pretty good impressions for each other. (He is 55, prior military, and his house is ALWAYS clean!! No complaints, btw...)

I am 35. His children are grown and moved on. I have 4 children. So, my house is not the most tidy, especially if I haven't gotten out of bed yet. My bathroom was cluttered, and my bed was not made, and I hadn't showered just yet.

Anyway, he asked to go to the bathroom, and I invited him to the guest bath. He ignored me and went straight to my room. UGGH! He can hold his bladder for hours, it was strange he just arrived and had to go. When he returned to living room, he wanted to go back to my room to cuddle. Being that I was unshowered, I politely declined. He became furious, and bolted from my home. I asked him not to leave and he left anyway, saying the he felt unwelcome.

I later texted him and asked if we can have a heart to heart, several times. He has since stopped calling me, and put me off for a week before we can talk, and even then he doesn't want to talk about what happened. Many times he has been jealous & insecure, blows up, and sometimes apologizes. It is driving me nuts, I tell ya! He is financially generous with his wallet, but his trust for me, is very lacking. If we can't get some professional help soon, I fear I may end it.

He sounds really immature (especially given that he is 55!) and it sounds like he has a temper...not a good combination. I would NOT appreciate a boyfriend showing up at my place whenever he feels like it. Sometimes I have a day when I'm not working and I just want to lounge around and maybe not clean up the whole place right away or not shower right away. It would seriously irritate me if a guy insisted on just showing up whenever he felt like it and then got upset when I was not prepared to see him. What if you're not home? Would he get upset that you are not there when he randomly decides to show up? You need to decide how much nonsense you are willing to put up with from someone you are dating.

Since you are living separately it is fair enough to want to know when someone, even if it is your boyfriend, is coming over. He's not respecting your boundaries when he arrives unannounced. The next time he does it, don't let him in the door. People do what works. Why should he announce his arrival, when you will let him in the house anyway?

There also may be an issue of him thinking "well, we are in a relationship, I should be able to go to my SO house whenever I want." But he's not respecting your wishes that way. If he wants to give you the silent treatment, then let him. You did nothing wrong. Don't contact him. If/when he contacts you, ask to discuss the issue. If he won't, and refuses counselling, especially over an issue such as respecting boundaries, I wonder what issues would come up in the future. I've had close family members come over unannounced and it really is about their selfish needs. Anyone else's needs for boundaries does not even enter into their mind.

He has done this several times against my wishes.

I invited him to the guest bath. He ignored me and went straight to my room.

When he returned to living room, he wanted to go back to my room to cuddle. Being that I was unshowered, I politely declined. He became furious, and bolted from my home. I asked him not to leave and he left anyway, saying the he felt unwelcome.

He has since stopped calling me, and put me off for a week before we can talk, and even then he doesn't want to talk about what happened. Many times he has been jealous & insecure, blows up, and sometimes apologizes.

I guess he thinks being financially generous means he calls the shots and you have no say. I would say this guy is controlling and manipulative. Calling it quits is a very good idea because this kind of behaviour will only escalate as time goes on.

It did actually make me feel disrespected in my own place. I did not feel I was rude to him at all. And u are most certainly right about the age and his immaturity. My patience has grown severly thin. Thanks for the input, lady00...

dramallama, thanks for your response. "Selfish", pretty much describes him!

It seems to me that this relationship is not working for either of you. You want to treat him more as a guest than as 'my man' and he feels unwelcome in your home and won't respect your boundaries. I think you had better let this one go so you can both find someone with whom you are more comfortable.

Crazyaboutdogs, thanks for your reply. U have pointed out something that has been concerning me, that his behavior mite only escalate. It has been progressingly have. I hope he considers counseling, as that is the only way I think we may have a chance to make it.

Do you think he does this to check up on you? Interesting how he went straight to your room and bathroom. You said he's jealous and insecure. He may turn out to be one of those jealous and controlling types.

I wasn't trying to treat him as a guest, but when I tell you my bathroom was not in the best shape, believe that. He is a good man, but u are probably right that we are not suitable for each other.

Elaine Marley, He can hold his bladder forever, so yes, it did feel like he was checking up on me. He seems to want to have his say in everything, just about.

Well, I infer from your posts that you have been intimate? If so it does seem to me a little odd that you should be so concerned with appearances under those circumstances. At some point in a relationship you have to get to know your partner as they really are and if that means the house is sometimes messy - that is who you are. Why would you want to present yourself as someone you are not? I think it rude to show up announced because that assumes your time is his time but if he were the sort of person to care if the house is untidy then he could be criticised for that. I suspect you two have very different expectations of what a close relationship is about and it seems that is not something on which you could compromise.

I'm sure he's insecure because of the age difference.

DN, u are right, we should be comfortable enough to be around each others untidiness, but as I mentioned, I have children, and I hadn't showered before he arrived, and that made me uncomfortable. I guess mostly what I was trying to get support on was the fact the he was rude simply showing up, and probably he overacted. If I had something to hide, I would not have let him in.

I just think you have different expectations about a relationship - I don't think either of you are particularly wrong or right but there does seem to ne an incompatibility.

MrWallFlower, I think u are right about the age difference contributing to his insecurity. I've tried many times to assure him, to no avail.

DN, the age incompatibility is being carefully considered...

Can't just show up like that unannounced, then catch an attitude when you don't get your way.

I think this is about more than age incompatibility - it is an incompatibility about intimacy, trust, personal space, getting to know each other as people and a few other things. You two just don't seem to be on the same page as to what this relationship is now, never mind where it might go.

2 sided coin, thank you so much for your input. DN, somehow, u have mixed feelings about this issue, hmmmm????

I think his temper is probably a bigger issue than his habit of showing up unannounced. Does he seem to go off on you without warning? Is his temper something that scares you? Do you think he has valid reasons for being upset with you?

lady00, Without warning, yes. Temper has me concerned, but not scared yet. Validity? Well that is why I am hoping we can got to counseling, since he won't open up to me about underlying issues, that seems to halt his trust in me.

2 sided coin, thank you so much for your input. DN, somehow, u have mixed feelings about this issue, hmmmm????

lady00, Without warning, yes. Temper has me concerned, but not scared yet. Validity? Well that is why I am hoping we can got to counseling, since he won't open up to me about underlying issues, that seems to halt his trust in me.

I'd just say that it's only been 7 months and if you already need counseling after that short of a time, I'm not sure it bodes well for the future. His temper sounds like it may end up being the biggest issue here. In my opinion, unless you live with someone, it's disrespectful to just show up unannounced. He may not agree and that might be a fundamental difference in values. I don't see much room for compromise there...I think he either has to accept that you don't like it or you have to accept that he likes to show up whenever and just be OK with that. I would not be OK with it because in my mind, my home is my home until it becomes a joint home and the other person moves in or gets a key, but you might find that that's a sacrifice you are willing to make.

Hopefully he will do something to address that and to address his temper. Otherwise, it doesn't sound like this relationship can work. I'm not trying to blame this all on him, I'm sure you have your faults too...just saying his temper and just showing up are things that will just get more problematic as your relationship gets more serious and they need to be addressed ASAP. If I were you, his willingness to address them would play very heavily into my decision to stay in this relationship.

Has he acted in that way around your children? If so, I would re-consider this relationship, since this may affect them emotionally.