Do You Parent Like A Chinese Mom or A Western Mom?

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The article mentions the difference in parenting styles and I often wonder how many people rear.

So parents do you parent more according to the Chinese or Western philosophies and why?

I personally prefer the method of "success through repetition" for kids. My mom was tough on me and it worked.

However, I notice that a lot of my cousins with children coddle in order to motivate.

So how do you do it?

A little of both would be best. I think kids should have some fun. I read a book about toxic parents and it pointed out that if children aren't allowed to be children many times they become irresponsible adults.

A little of both would be best. I think kids should have some fun. I read a book about toxic parents and it pointed out that if children aren't allowed to be children many times they become irresponsible adults.

Do you thing rewards for small gains are necessary or do you point out that they could have done better?

I parent based on what my child needs. I do not believe any "method" works with every child. I believe it is much better if you know your child and know their needs and how you can adopt your parenting to what your child needs at different stages. There is no "superior" mother or tactic.

Both of my parents are asians.

My parents were very strict on academics, but they let me have a social life as well. My mom allowed me to go parties and dances and things like that.

However, if I did bad on my courses, they go yelling and 3 hour lecture.

Since I'm in college, they see how much I mature and know the importance value about family, they backed off. LOL But still give me a lecture.

Sometimes I like Asian culture way when it comes to academics, because you realize damn I should of stuck with it or not stuck with it. Also it tests out whether you believe in yourself or not believe in yourself.

Also, I don't think being Asian or White or any type of nationality has to do how you treat your child. It's an individual choice how you should raise your child.

=] Hope this makes sense.

"Chua claims that heaping shame and ridicule on her children drives them to success. In her world, insults motivate. "You are garbage!" Chua once screamed at her daughter Sophia." (from article)

...Nope, not exactly the kind of parent I would aspire to be.

My mom wasn't tough on me, and that worked too. She didn't coddle, but she didn't tell me I was worthless either. Over 50% of my university classmates were Chinese and I still managed to beat them out, so where's the proof that Chinese parents raise smarter kids?

Yes it makes sense. Was it stressful at times?

I'm not a parent, and if I ever am someday, I won't be a mom. However, if I ever am a parent, I think my parenting style will be somewhere in the middle, leaning toward the chinese method. I'm a serious perfectionist, straight A student in college, primary speaker on my university's debate team, planning to go to a top 10 graduate school next year. I think I'll expect my children to perform, at minimum, as well as I did, though I'd honestly prefer if they did even better. I didn't get where I am by slacking off and having fun when I should be working, so I'll probably parent with that in mind.

"Chua claims that heaping shame and ridicule on her children drives them to success. In her world, insults motivate. "You are garbage!" Chua once screamed at her daughter Sophia." (from article)

 

...Nope, not exactly the kind of parent I would aspire to be.

 

My mom wasn't tough on me, and that worked too. She didn't coddle, but she didn't tell me I was worthless either. Over 50% of my university classmates were Chinese and I still managed to beat them out, so where's the proof that Chinese parents raise smarter kids?

That is an extreme example but I admire the concept and do feel like Western parenting is not based on actually being competitive sometimes but more on creating little free thinkers who get rewarded just for being kids. I saw it when I worked in schools. It was like their children were royalty or something. They never could academically compete with foreign students though. The Western students who could were usually reared by African or Middle Eastern parents. I don't think there's a superior way but I prefer the tough way.

I'm not a parent, and if I ever am someday, I won't be a mom. However, if I ever am a parent, I think my parenting style will be somewhere in the middle, leaning toward the chinese method. I'm a serious perfectionist, straight A student in college, primary speaker on my university's debate team, planning to go to a top 10 graduate school next year. I think I'll expect my children to perform, at minimum, as well as I did, though I'd honestly prefer if they did even better. I didn't get where I am by slacking off and having fun when I should be working, so I'll probably parent with that in mind.

That makes sense.

I parent based on what my child needs. I do not believe any "method" works with every child. I believe it is much better if you know your child and know their needs and how you can adopt your parenting to what your child needs at different stages. There is no "superior" mother or tactic.

I'm a live let live person. Life is about living and experiences. I personally believe in the law of attraction, affirmations, and creating the life of your dreams--so therefore neither of these parenting styles would apply to my child. I have many reasons for disagreeing with the Chinese style, but mainly because I don't believe success is necessarily about being at the "top" or being forced into things you dislike. I believe in happiness. Happy childhoods. And in paving a way for my child to FEEL as if the life they want is at their disposal. If that is more western then I guess that is how I will parent. But being that most Western People believe that you have to take a certain path to be successful, and/or a good person, then I doubt my parenting would be western either.

I don't think that western culture teaches kids to be free thinkers either. And I have reasons to believe that, there is a lot of social programming, and beliefs and what is right and wrong programmed into children's head, even if they have sleepovers etc--in Western Society.

Isn't that all a bit racist? Saying the only kids who can perform are not white.

Isn't that all a bit racist? Saying the only kids who can perform are not white.

Thank you.

I'm a live let live person. Life is about living and experiences. I personally believe in the law of attraction, affirmations, and creating the life of your dreams--so therefore neither of these parenting styles would apply to my child. I have many reasons for disagreeing with the Chinese style, but mainly because I don't believe success is necessarily about being at the "top" or being forced into things you dislike. I believe in happiness. Happy childhoods. And in paving a way for my child to FEEL as if the life they want is at their disposal. If that is more western then I guess that is how I will parent. But being that most Western People believe that you have to take a certain path to be successful, and/or a good person, then I doubt my parenting would be western either.

I have an honest question. Do you think there there is a minimum threshold for performance? What I mean is, children don't usually have any idea how to get where they want to be, or what the repurcussions of their decisions will be. So, for example, if your child merely wanted to maintain a C average throughout their K-12 education and then look for a job in the fast food business, would you try to sway them away from that? What if, to them, happiness means a life with no financial or emotional security? In other words, where do you draw the line between your role in guiding them as a parent, and how they feel they want their life to be? I'm not criticizing you, I'm authentically curious

My parents raised us with Chinese parenting and my mom regrets it.

I think the traditional things that make childhood happy and fun have become detrimental to parenting because they just babysit kids. Learning doesn't have to be hard or reserved for the classroom. When I went to sleepovers it always start with a shut in of some sort in which we learned about spirituality or geography or something. So I started equating the fun of sleepovers with learning. I think that's missing from both the Chinese and Western parenting styles. However, I will expect no less than what I've done which could be unrealistic because I attended an Ivy and graduated at a very young age with my prof. degree. So I may have to lower my expectations so as not to make my child feel like they must do what I have. I think they do need to be able to compete though and I won't be rewarding poor work in order to encourage them because I believe that coddling like this will lead them to believe that just getting by is all it takes. When I got a B growing up my mom and godparents would say "well there are A's" then I would try harder.

Yes it makes sense. Was it stressful at times?

To be honest, I was only stress when my professors who were horrible professors don't know how to teach and I got blame for it. My mom didn't understand so I rebelled against her. I told her this "Mom, just because I failed the test doesn't mean I don't know -hit from the subject. Ask me anything." I swore at her for the first time after she said I was a piece of -hit. She tested me and quizzed me the vocabulary words and what is that blah blah, and she was shocked I know all my stuff. I told her look at the stupid test the Professor created. Do you see if anything that I said is on there. She went to the Professor and asked the Professor why are some topics on here not related to the chapters. I guess the Professor was shocked because my mom was the first one to go to her. The Professor was like that's "how I test my students." My mom gave her a lecture on it and the principal had to interfere. LOL Embarrassing? Yes because the Professor hated my guts. But worth it? Yea because my mom gave me some respect during my high school years.

Now, college time. I told her the same thing. But once I got the job on my own, she backed off. Every time she say some thing that were hurtful VERY HURTFUL that you would rather sign up an army than live your life for your life, I rebelled again. I told her "You didn't do this. I did this for me. I got the job on my own. So don't take all the credit because it's selfish." Yea I told my mom is selfish.

Just because my mom said all these things, my mom is far worst than Chua, I STILL respect her. Because what she said was right. Sometimes in life you have to fight for your life to get what you want. When I went to the country where she and my dad were born when I was child, I SAW lots of kids suffer. Cultural experience. I never wanted to leave. I wanted to help. So every time my parents work, I always say thank you for helping me with paying for stuff I need and want. My parents are not Ivy League. Heck they didn't have any educational degree. They are the REAL American Dreams.

I felt Chua is disrespectful. VERY DISRESPECTFUL! As an Asian person and a human being, I have no respect for her. How dare she say one race is better than the other? Stupid. The sad part is she has a higher degree and she is an Ivy League?

She forgets how she is the 2nd generation kid and know what it's like to crave for fun when she was kid. I'm telling you Chua, is selfish. Trust me, her kid is not going to respect her the way I respected my parents. Why?

Because when my mom treated me like the Chua treated her daughter, my mom gave me her reasons. Reasons without actions, is like not having any evidence to support why you what you did. Even when my mom yelled at me and verbal abuse she explains it later why she did that. I for one said to her face "I'm not your EMOTIONAL punching bag. STOP PUNCHING ME. If you can't control your anger, don't tell me to control my expressions. I know how to control my emotions. If you continue to shout with your anger and verbal abuse I'm walking away." I did walk away.

I told my mom I needed space from her because she disrespected me like as if I was an animal on the street. She was like "That's it? That's how you're going to end our relationship like that?" LOL I told her no. I want us to have space because I'm sick of the fighting and if I wanted to end our relationship I would have move out right away and got everything with me and never speak anymore. I even told her I would have join the Marines if due to the circumstances. She was shocked when I told her that I would join the military than live under her roof so she can disrespect me and smear my character just like that.

My mom is still learning more about me. Then again what family doesn't fight? We're not saints.

Sorry for the long post. I went on a tangent. No wonder I'm not good at writing essays.

Like I said before, it's all about individual choice how you live, do, and say things. It's not culture, media, society, or religion. If no one threatens you to make the decision, then it was your choice all along and you got no one to blame.

Dang, I feel I GOTTEN wiser ever since my break up.

HIGH-FIVE me!

I have an honest question. Do you think there there is a minimum threshold for performance? What I mean is, children don't usually have any idea how to get where they want to be, or what the repurcussions of their decisions will be. So, for example, if your child merely wanted to maintain a C average throughout their K-12 education and then look for a job in the fast food business, would you try to sway them away from that? What if, to them, happiness means a life with no financial or emotional security? In other words, where do you draw the line between your role in guiding them as a parent, and how they feel they want their life to be? I'm not criticizing you, I'm authentically curious

 

There will be guidance, but the sort of guidance would be in living the life that they WANT to live. Obviously as a young kid they aren't completely sure, but they are sure about some of the things they "want" to do. Not sure if that answers your question. If your asking if there will be rules, yes there will be rules. There will be discipline, etc.

Do you thing rewards for small gains are necessary or do you point out that they could have done better?

It depends on what it is. I try not to be overly critical of my child. I don't want to crush his enthusiasm, but rewards for every little thing in my opinion will cause a child to expect things and become bratty.

I have an honest question. Do you think there there is a minimum threshold for performance? What I mean is, children don't usually have any idea how to get where they want to be, or what the repurcussions of their decisions will be. So, for example, if your child merely wanted to maintain a C average throughout their K-12 education and then look for a job in the fast food business, would you try to sway them away from that? What if, to them, happiness means a life with no financial or emotional security? In other words, where do you draw the line between your role in guiding them as a parent, and how they feel they want their life to be? I'm not criticizing you, I'm authentically curious

 

There is also what a child is truly capable of. If a child is only capable of being a fry cook and yet you hammer him to make him into a aerospace engineer, he is still not going to be an aerospace engineer. Yes, of course it is good to have expectations for children but not unrealistic ones.

Isn't that all a bit racist? Saying the only kids who can perform are not white.

Western culture, largely due to imperialism, consists of many non-whites. It is more an ideology than a skin color just as blackness is not ontological and does not only refer to persons with dark skin. The article is speaking in terms of nationality and not skin color.

Hmm, I did terrible in middle school and elementary school and part of Hs. My parents were mean to me about it.

I didn't care.

I didn't do well until I wanted to.

I do think kids are interesting in the fact that they can be taught anything. Heck you can teach a child to speak a variety of languages, read, and know multiplication before they are 5. I would probably do that, but not so they become a superstar--because learning can be fun. My mom was teacher so she taught us many things and I want to pass that on to my children.

I don't think encouraging your children to be competitive is a bad thing. I am imagining what I would do if I had a kid and they came home with a B. I'd probably tell them that they did a good job, but that a B means that they didn't learn everything that they were supposed to, so they should strive for an A next time. I really think cultivating learning at home, like you suggested, is the key, though. My mother was extremely permissive when I was growing up, but my hobbies were sort of 'guided.' For example, instead of being allowed to watch television whenever I wanted, my mother and my grandmother would encourage me to read. I read with my grandmother from the time I was three years old. By the time I was in 2nd and 3rd grade I was reading classical literature like Moby * * * * and, through my family's encouragement, I thought it was the coolest thing ever. Like your family, my family always tried to encourage and reinforce learning as something that is important and fun, and I've also experienced a lot of educational success as a result.

Interesting. I agree that Chua is extreme but it's pretty relevant. I mean I see more and more white men with Chinese wives and I'm wondering how this is all going to play out.

Western culture, largely due to imperialism, consists of many non-whites. It is more an ideology than a skin color just as blackness is not ontological and does not only refer to persons with dark skin. The article is speaking in terms of nationality and not skin color.

That is not what you said though. You said the only kids that did well were raised by people who were not white and or did not come from western culture which means that hmmmmmmmmm western culture and white people are some how not as good scholastically. I can only guess because we are "too soft".