He almost walked out on me.

I told the guy I'm dating that I didn't want him going out to clubs (not in those exact words) the coversation got sorta heated and we gave eachother attitude. He said it was over and I asked him not to leave. I told him I was just worried about what might happen while he is out there and he said he couldn't understand any other way to explain to me that he wouldn't cheat. I told him it wasn't cool to meet new female friends at clubs that he found attractive and he just didn't get why that was a problem! WHAT THE HECK?! He said that he will not stop going and if he meets new friends there he doesn't want it to be a problem because he can be friends with women he finds attractive and not cheat on me! He said its best he leave because he wasn't going to change that about himself. I started to feel really bad. He said he still wanted to be with me but if this was going to continue to be an issue we can't be together. I can't believe he was gonna walk out. I don't know what to do..I don't want to give up on this new relationship I wanna see how it can go since he seems like a good guy.

We've told you many times why it's not ok to try to limit your partner's activities - Especially in the case where he hasn't DONE anything to hurt you, and this is all driven by your own insecurities. Didn't you say the other day you weren't looking for him to give it up?

So now you know, you WILL lose this guy if you harp on him. So be honest with yourself. Be real, you know you the best. You've already got your answer - He's not going to give it up. So you either accept that and move forward with this relationship, you press him until he leaves, or you break up with him and find someone who shares your viewpoint. But I'd think twice about that too, because it appears you're feeling too insecure to deal with someone else's lifestyle right now.

I feel like a fool now. Does this mean he's not really all that into me since he was so quick to bounce out on me. That was sorta crazy....made me feel like crap.

As I recall, you have been dealing with this same exact problem for at least a month now and have made no progress in resolving it. It seems counterproductive to stay with a guy when one issue keeps eclipsing all of the other good things you seem to imply that he is. This bachata thing is obviously not an issue your guy is going to compromise on and you have to make a decision ASAP regarding what you are willing to tolerate or HE's going to end the relationship for you. There are only three options here: let him have this one thing and either deal with the consequences (whatever they may be,) find a way to involve yourself in this hobby of his (express interest in learning the bachata or go out to the club with him now and then just to have a drink and spend time with him while he's dancing,) or accept you can't be with this guy and leave. There is no way for anyone to predict whether this guy is looking to cheat, will cheat, or whether he really just likes the bachata. I really like running and the guy I'm dating does not, so when I run I run with other runners (often hot and athletic) yet I am not looking to cheat; I just can't run with my guy because he hates it and prefers to cycle, and I need running partners to accompany and motivate me when I train. The issue here is not what he will do, but whether or not you can accept things the way they are and deal with whatever consequences may come...one thing you can't do is change his mind and/or keep attempting to, because that sounds like a really uncomfortable relationship to be in.

No...It means that he wants to be able to maintain his hobbies and not have to forfeit them because the woman he is seeing is in a panic over something that hasn't happened yet. It is by no means a reflection of how he feels for you. But my dear, it is unreasonable to expect someone to give up their hobby for you, and I can definitely see where he was coming from. If it were me, I'd have the same reaction no matter how I felt for the man. I'd feel like they wanted to control me, and that I was being punished for something someone else may have done to them in the past.

He goes to clubs without you, and wants to meet attractive girls and keep them as friends?

I really don't think so..........

I don't think it means he's not that into you. I think it means he respects himself enough to not give up something he enjoys for someone else. You can't base how much this guy cares for you by whether or not he is willing to stop going to the club. I realize what he does may make you uncomfortable, but you can't ask him to stop for you. You either have to accept what he is doing or find someone else.

Wow I was stunned and it made me realize I didn't want to break up with him.

I think it shows he has a good strong sense of himself and what he likes to do and doesnt want to be limited. I think you made a mistake in how you brought it up. I think you should give this a chance.

Im not trying to be negative but Drop that guy, it's only gonna get worse ... I just came out of the same situation.... I even caught her flirting at a bar/club.... run while u can because if he would rather lose a serious girl over going to clubs he ain't worth it

He goes to clubs without you, and wants to meet attractive girls and keep them as friends?

 

I really don't think so..........

Yep, I felt the same way. He said he doesn't go there to meet women but if it happens he strikes up a conversation with someone then it happens...and that he wouldnt' cheat.

That's the whole reason to go to a club.

To meet hot chicks and see what action you can get. And if your just there "to have a drink" yeah you can be, but this guy treats it like a sport.

^ he told me the complete opposite. I'm so confused....I have been so confused for so long I don't know what to do! I don't want to make the wrong decision..he hasn't gone yet...but I'm afraid to wait around! This is so confusing.

That's the whole reason to go to a club.

 

To meet hot chicks and see what action you can get. And if your just there "to have a drink" yeah you can be, but this guy treats it like a sport.

No doubt, some folks go for this very reason.

But I also know 'regulars' who go for dancing just like OP's boyfriend. It's their scene, like any other scene. It's a shame it gets such a bad rep.

Its so freaking weird that he would be open to making new female friends that he finds attractive AT A CLUB though. Its like he's telling me he wants to shop around for new girls while he's with me..its so freaking weird.

My ex was very outgoing and friendly and would sometimes go out on his own if I couldn't go with him. He would go out and dance and have fun and if he met new people (which he usually did), they were just his random friends for the night. He never cheated on me while he was out at a club.

Ok, well what if he played tennis? And he wanted to make new friends(that happen to be female) on the court? Would you feel the same way?

OP, when you first brought up this issue in another thread you said the guy went out to clubs to dance the bachata, not just to drink and grind on women. There really is a HUGE difference between him "going to clubs" and going out to clubs geared towards specific styles of dance...I have been to the big NYC meat market clubs and to several NYC clubs that have dance nights geared towards specific dances..."salsa night" or "swing night" with a free dance lesson and then a dance party where people can practice what they've learned or dance enthusiasts can practice their technique...and the latter is really not shady at all. Have you ever been to the clubs your guy goes to? Do you even know what goes on there? I think you should accompany him once or twice and see what it's like because I'm pretty sure it'd put your mind at ease. He's not going to these clubs specifically to meet women, he's going to practice his dancing and meet fellow bachata enthusiasts, and he's saying if he happens to meet attractive women who enjoy dancing the bachata too he's not going to be weird and rude and run in the other direction. You really have to understand the distinction here...

Your not confused - your instincts are telling you and guiding you. Listen to them.

Most guys who meet a girl they REALLY LIKE, don't continue to go clubbing and meet other woman. It's a basic fact.

I think in the end he will disappear anyways - he's already willing to walk out the door. On this issue, your not insecure as everyone is pointing out, so act smart on this one.

yeah not all go to clubs to pu hot chicks and get action... only half of the ones that can actually do it.. so like 10-20% of the club any giving time..

Your not confused - your instincts are telling you and guiding you. Listen to them.

 

Most guys who meet a girl they REALLY LIKE, don't continue to go clubbing and meet other woman. It's a basic fact.

 

I think in the end he will disappear anyways - he's already willing to walk out the door. On this issue, your not insecure as everyone is pointing out, so act smart on this one.

omg this is making me feel like you're right but I'm not sure. I feel like my brain is going in so many different directions.

if you dont have trust you dont have anything

you're trying to stop him going clubbing because you don't trust that he wont cheat

all he can do is say he wont

and if you dont trust him.... time to move on.

OP please specify...does he just go out to clubs to go out, or to specific clubs where people dance the bachata?

It's not just to go. He likes to dance the bachata. The OP has gone out with him already to the club(I think), but she knows there will be times he goes out without her and she's in panic mode over it.

Obviously we don't know the guy, but I really like his honesty. He's been very forthright with you so far. He's been patient with your insecurities, all your questions and concerns. He's putting his foot down when you make a demand - And he's within his rights there.

Its not that..its just that why would he want to meet new girls and stuff...he must not be that into me. He might as well be single if he wants to do all that right? Makes no sense.