I hit my girlfriend and she has left me, can I get her back?

Myself & my ex girlfriend had been together for nearly 6 years. She’s left me a week now as I was abusive and have issues. Two weeks ago in a drunken rage I slapped her accross the face. I also shook her and grabbed her by the throat. I had previously pushed her before a few times but this was the first time I raised my hand and slapped her as well as grabbing her throat.

We didn’t split up immediately. It was the night before x-mas eve went everything went horribly wrong. She left immediately after it happened to go to stay at a friends as she was obviously frightened of me. She came back x-mas eve around noon from her friends. We were heading to her family for x-mas. I thought that was it and she would of left then. I pulled myself together, apologised for my actions, told her I would seek more help(counselling)but however I was still full of anger & resentment for her at how she behaved that night which I will come to.

We went home for the x-mas to her folks. We didn’t talk about the incident for a couple of days as we just wanted to make the best of what was to become worst x-mas ever. The damage was already done. And day by day I gradually started to realise the severity of my actions. This had deeply effected her. Three days after the incident she told me she had no feelings for me and wanted a break. It hurt, it hurt real bad. We went back home after 3 days. I talked to some close friends about what I had done. I was preparing myself for the worst. I didn’t think all was lost so I wrote her a long letter, spilt my heart out to her explaining my actions, telling her that I was going to seek help for myself and then how much i loved her & how good our relatiopnship was before this event. It didn’t work! Heart-broken! She left me that night, I haven’t seen her since.

Why I hit her and lost control!? Obviously there is no exuse for what I have done but I shall explain so you can see the bigger picture. I went out that night to a friends 30th. I was in good enough spirits going out. My girlfriend was out with some of her friends. I was carrying a bit of emotional baggage going out that evening. I was let down by a so called friend a few months ago and I was going to be seeing him that evening. Nothing happened between us however i got very angry at another friend late in the night at his lack of support for me over the whole incident. I had way too much to drink and it was nothing more than an emotional drunken argrument with a friend. My girlfriend arrived out of the blue as this was all taking place. She started taking his side. I was humiliated. We left immediately, got a cab home & were argueing. I went to bed at around 1 as i was so drunk. I woke to get water at around 4 oc lock in the morning only to find my girlfriend on the couch with a friend of mine. I was still very drunk , upset and angry at my girlfriend after what happened earlier in the night. Now she was on the couch with the brother of the guy I had big beef with. I know there was probably nothing going on now but under the circumstances I found it a little strange. I went back to bed, I was building up a paranoid rage, couldn’t get back to sleep. Mad thoughts were going through my head, what is doing here? I knew she was fond of him and him of her! He was not a close friend of mine but never the less I would of trusted him. We were supposed to be meeting my dad for lunch the following afternoon before we went home to hers for the x-mas. I called into her the room and told her to get him out. She didnt. He stayed, for another 2hrs or so. When he left it was then I blew up. I know, I’m a coward, a bully, an out of control bastard. Thats what I felt like!

I am deeply regretful of what has happened. I knew immediately I did wrong. I’m so ashamed of myself. I understand that I have broken a trust that may not ever be mended. I probably don’t deserve her or any woman some of you may say. But if I were to believe this life would be fairly dull. I have to believe I can change my ways. I believe I am good person. Some say to truly change you must suffer pain. I hope this is true as then maybe she made the right choice to leave, in fact i’m sure she did. I am seeking help. I have been through counselling before for my temper. I am fully aware of anger problems and have been dealing with them reasonably well through out my life until recently. I am generally a happy person but I have very little patience. I’ve recently become aware that I suffer from a mild form of trichotillomania. I have to read into this a little more but it does seem to indicate where some of my issues may come from.

Since the break the only communication between us has been through email. I let her know that I would make this transition as easy as possible for her with the move and apologised again for what had happened. I’ve not contacted her otherwise as that is what she wants. She said maybe in time we may talk again but not anytime soon. She wished me the best & said she hoped I got the help I needed.

Our relationship was quite healthy up until this moment or so I thought. The usual small arguments that everybody has however when I think back now she might of had other ideas. She suggested only a month or 2 ago that we maybe take a break for a month when she went off travelling with a friend in july. I was quite taken back by this comment and showed my discontent for her suggestion. She immediately took it back and said she was drunk and wasn’t thinking straight. We didn’t discuss after that night.

I miss her terribly. I’m mad about her. I’m not sure how I should approach the sitiuation going forward. I would like to have her back in my life once I sort myself out. Could she forgive me & trust me again?

Sorry about the long mail & thanks for taking the time to read it. If you have any advice or suggestions good, bad or indifferent please share.

You got angry at some other people, got paranoid insecure and more angry and you hit your girlfriend - she left. I am not sure what you expect us to tell you? Frankly I think she made the right decision.

I won't berate you, as you already know what you did was wrong and you have admitted to it, but you are right...that you likely caused a lot of damage. Maybe irrepairable damage. Sometimes that is the consequences of your actions. It's never right or ok to hit someone else, regardless of how angry

or drunk you are. Keep doing what you are doing, and get help. Quit drinking if this is what triggers your anger. This is your chance to change. Make it worthwhile.

Best wishes.

Memories can not be erased.

For a female being hit is a deep and bad memory.

Reminds them of what could be done to them physically.

Forgive.....I have definitely heard of female forgiving their abuse partners after being beaten.

Trust...no....usually forgiveness but the type where they are no longer with you.

I's say mark this down as a very hard lesson learn't, work on yourself to not be in the same situation again.....with someone else you with to be with.

The damage is done.

The first thing you need to do is to make the decision to really fix your problems... if you have out of control anger and hair pulling problems, perhaps you also have a chemical imbalance in your brain and might need medication for this. Biochemical imbalances can cause paranoia and difficulty controlling anger and emotions.

But you also probably need to never drink again if you have trouble controlling anger, since drinking lowers inhibitions. So if you can't quit drinking on your own, you need to attend a program of some kind to do so.

You also need to attend therapy and a domestic abuse treatment program to help you curb your violent tendencies.

Once you have done all of those, you *might* be able to talk to her and tell her that you've taken responsibility for your issues. But you shouldn't approach her right away, because no time has passed to fix your problems and she won't believe you. It may take 6 months before you can even discuss this with her, and she may or may not be willing to do so.

Some women have a zero tolerance policy to physical abuse. If it happens once, they never go back. So you may have to accept that, and go thru the program so that you can have a good relationship in future with someone else and not have this happen again.

Have you started counseling or even looking for counseling yet? That should be the priority right now. Even if your gf was ever to come back, it would be a very long time from now. I agree with those saying that this isn't just an anger management issue. You will likely need to stop drinking also, since you are abusing alcohol by getting so drunk you no longer have control over yourself.

Please get yourself some help. Violence destroys lives. It destroys your life, the lives of the people you abuse and the people around them. Let me give you an example. My mother's best friend was killed by her abusive third husband. He shot her twice with a hunting rifle because she had left him. He lured her back to their home because he said he had some things that belonged to her. When she arrived he shot her in the drive way and shot her in the back again as she ran away. Then he went in his house and blew his own head off. Her children do not have a mother,her grand children do not have a grandmother. My mother misses her friend still daily and her friend died almost 20 years ago now. This may be an extreme example but people who abuse always escalate if they do not get help. I would not worry about getting her back, I would worry about what is wrong with you that you are this angry and out of control and fix it. Please, add to people's lives, do not detract from them.

How, exactly, did you think the relationship was good if you've "pushed her a few times before"?

I would have left, right then.

Friend, when you strangle someone like that you are basically one step away from murder. Studies prove it. You are very close to being so out of control that you will end up killing someone and you will spend the rest of your life in prison. Or if you happen to live in certain locations, you yourself will end up with a death sentence.

Now I want you to let this sink in. You nearly murdered her.

So the question is what do we do about this now? You at least recognize you have a serious problem. I think that's something that works very well in your favor. It's a great first step to recognize there is a problem.

I have been through counselling before for my temper. I am fully aware of anger problems and have been dealing with them reasonably well through out my life until recently

Maybe you need a different type of treatment. I would return to your previous counselor and give them a complete and unedited description of what has been happening in your relationship. You may need something more intensive like a partial hospitalization program. If you have a good relationship with this counselor and trust them then I would start there.

You need to focus 100% on yourself right now though. Let the relationship go. She may come back later, or she may not. But your problem is so serious and so urgent that there is no time to be thinking about anything else except how you can work to make the changes in your life that are necessary to manage your anger and control your violent tendencies. There are options for you. But they will fail if you are more focused on trying to get this girl back then you are about saving yourself instead.

^^ Agree with all of the above. Getting her back is the last thing you should be thinking of. As Avman said, you were close to killing her. If you love her - why would you want a dangerous man (that's you - until you work extensively on the anger and violence issues) around her? The right decision to make is the decision to throw yourself into working on this behaviour and ensuring you never do it again. Until that work is done I don't think its safe for you to be in a relationship.

She made the right choice in leaving you. No one (man or woman) should ever stay with someone who hits them. I'm glad she has self respect to get up, get away. I hope she's smart enough to stay away too.

You should seek counseling. You are violent and it sounds like you don't know how to handle that emotion properly. If you do not get help, you'll probably end up choking the next woman you end up with. Avman is right, you are very close to killing someone. You need serious help.

Do the woman a favor and get out of her life for good. She deserves a man who isn't going to try to kill just because he gets mad. Let her find love with someone who won't hurt her like you do.

Thanks guys! I am flattered the advice and suggestions you have taken the time to point out to me. There have been lots of valuable lessons for me to take out of this. I am a strong person. I will pick myself up from this and take the necessary steps, if not to overcome them, understand them more and put the necessary precautions into place.

My ex-girlfriend is also strong, probably mentally stronger than me in some areas. As hard as it is for me to say this, deep down I admire her courage for leaving me. I feel I’m now in the acceptance stage, which feels better than lingering onto the past. I hope she will get over this. My gut feeling tells me she will. She is a great woman, with good friends and a promising career ahead of her.

Now its now time for me to look after myself, get myself back into mental shape. I’m a pretty smart guy as far as I am aware of my issues and what triggers them. Although, I’m not sure if I’ll have ever rid myself of them all, one has to at least try. I don’t like the idea of medication but if I have a chemical imbalance it might be a wise move to look into it.

I come from a binge drinking culture, which obviously doesn’t suit my nature. I am not a big drinker at all but after this I will have to strongly consider the situation. I do not think the drinking is the main problem with me. It’s what’s going on in my brain and the drink that triggers those emotions. Yes, I’m off the drink for a while now anyway. I will be missing a few stags & weddings this year as there is just no way I would feel confident at this early stage to have a couple of drinks and leave. I will probably just drive to the ceremonies. We’ll see!

In an ideal world if I could sort out my mental issues first maybe I could trust myself to be a social drinker. I don’t like the binge drinking culture anyhow, but I do enjoy a couple of glasses of red on occasion with a nice meal. Its tough one, and I might just have to bite the bullet. I will be addressing this with my counselor.

If we don’t get back it wasn’t meant to be and hopefully I will have learnt a valuable lesson going forward with relationships/anger issues and drinking. Easier said then done but I got to think positive & believe I can make certain changes in my life to make me a better person. I have done it before, but it’s a constant battle! I will give her space. I have been doing so. It’s obvious I need my own space & she knows that.

Its my first time talking so openly like this & getting unbiased feedback that has been hard hitting at times but comforting all the same.

I would like to thank you all.

Have a good day!

Anthon

i think everybody already covered the abuse incident, but did she explain to you what was going on with that guy in your house? and why he stayed after u told her to get him out?

i think everybody already covered the abuse incident, but did she explain to you what was going on with that guy in your house? and why he stayed after u told her to get him out?

She told me they were just having friendly banter. I pretty sure she is telling me the truth & the guy is getting married in a few months time. My grilfriend was very drunk too and I guess she didn't like being told what to do. This was not the first time she has behaved like this. She also has a few issues of her own. But thats neither here nor there now, I up so its time to move on now!

Okay, we almost always advise women (and men) who have been abused by their partners to leave and not go back. There is a reason we do that, and that's because abuse tends to escalate over time, as your relationship demonstrates. First you pushed her a few times, then you hit and tried to choke her. What will happen next time you get angry and lose control? Oh, you might swear to her that it will never happen again; but then, that's what all abusers say. If it were her posting here, we'd be telling her not to give in and go back. So, we can't advise you on how to get her back because it would go against what we know of men who abuse women.

You need to get help for your drinking and for your anger issues. But in the meantime, leave this poor girl alone and move on. She's been through enough.

I hope you can get some help. I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

Treat yourself well, and you will treat her well. The human mind is like this, if you have a good attitude toward the human body, you will respect yours and that of other persons. So start being nice to yourself.

I think the best thing you can do for her is to let her go because once you do something like that, it's bound to happen again. It will TEAR her apart to take you back, forgive, rebuild trust for it to all happen again. My advice to women in abusive relationships is to never forgive and give another chance. It kills the spirit when it happens over and over again. Before you know it, that's the story of your life. Please just let her go. Get help for yourself. She was terribly hurt and needs time and space for healing without you.

Domestic Violence is serious offense not necessarily because of the "physical" wounding that takes place, but because it destoys the soul of an individual. Most women look to men to be their protectors and to love them unconditionally. When your "male strength" is utilized to hurt someone, especially a women this is a betrayal of trust. Without..trust and a feeling of safety, there will be no true foundation to build any type of relationship, much less a romantic one.

I think deep down in your heart you are a good person, but you are expieriencing alot of uncontrollable anger right now, that needs to be processed in a safe and health environment, perhaps with a counselor. In the meantime, while searching for professional help, look deep into your heart and IDENTIFY, what in your life has happened that has caused you to be angry.

Anger is a Secondary emotions........The primary emotion, or the underlying emotion is normally something like hurt, or jealousy, but it is almost always hidden under anger. Explore that . Get awarness and insight, and work on yourself. So that you will be able to have a healthy relationship one day........Hurt people always hurt others...dont walk around hurting!

I have to wonder what the outcome of the situation ultimately was...

This post caught my interest because I suffered from TTM as a child. As a female, I had a bald spot on my head in middle school! (like Middle school isn't hard enough) ANYWAY, I'm no psychologist, but for me the TTM stemmed from my OCD, and I essentially using TTM as a ritual for calming my out-of-control anxiety that I was experiencing from obsessive thoughts. My temper was also often out of control because of my anxious way of thinking.

From what you've said, seems like you've got a similar anxiety pattern. The paranoid thoughts about your girlfriend and the friend struck a chord with me. I used to have similar situations with my boyfriend when I would wake up and he still wouldn't be home at 2am, if he looked like he was flirting with a girl etc... Although at the time the anger seems justified, it might be stemming largely from your own anxiety.

I am learning to control my anxiety, which has a lot to do with controlling my temper, through both Cognitive Behavioral therapy and anti-anxiety meds. That has definitely changed my temper and let me almost completely control TTM. The obsessive thinking is difficult though, but my life has markedly improved from seeking some help. Maybe some combination of Anger Management and Therapy for anxiety. You'll have to figure out what works for you. But like Timahani said, it's important to figure out the primary emotion or condition fueling the anger problem.

Turning yourself around will show her better than anything else that you understand how much you hurt her. Making substantive life changes means that you know something was seriously wrong and needed fixing.

All the best!