'The wham your head into a wall and run around in circles' journal

I need something to preoccupy my time. I suck at keeping private written journals. But I don't want comments either. Solo journals it is.

Let's get one thing clear. I'm going through a rough time, trying daily to stay afloat. My personality changes pretty quickly, I can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

As of right now I'm in my numb personality, it's been alternating from shades of depression to numb all day. I find that giving advice helps me to keep from either, but I think I've been posting too much, so journal it is.

I suffer from compulsive lying and making myself believe in those lies. However I'm making this site be what my boyfriend was- my place to cope and be the real me. He... didn't like the real me, he liked the bad*** tough girl who alternatively gave it to 'em straight and was kinder than anything. I've even discovered a LOT of things about myself simply by reading my advice and the advice of others. When I help a person who's been in a scenario that either I've a) been in b) think I was heading towards or c) just understand about, i make realizations about my own personal issues. Now, onto the main reason I'm here in the first place.

The Long Story and the Me

The breakup wasn't bad as far as breakups go. He did not cheat. He simply sat me down and told me what had been up with him lately, and needless to say here I am, the personality sponge, finally realizing that she just can't do it all and is utterly alone.

He wants to remain friends, but doesn't feel more than that. I flipped out a bit, but he was patient, and possibly scared ****less at losing me (Still have no idea if it was as hard as he said to hurt me). He said he cared in a friend way, that I was one of the better things that happened to him, but i was simply not everything he wanted.

I dunno if I'll be friends with him. I told him after a week of no contact, very calmly (an act of pure restraint, I wanted to strangle him with words then and there) that I needed space and time, a month at the least, to get over him and get to the point where him being with another girl doesn't make me want to break every bone in both their bodies and turn her into a lifeless doll for my own personal abuse (do NOT be alarmed at this, I would never act, but ranting and being quite gory is common and will be common in my process of relieving stress). If I was prettier, I'd probably be doing a bunch of very overweight men, because they don't expect commitment and try hard in the sack. But since I don't have the face (I have the body, not too fat or skinny and with decent boobs) of someone who can get it when she wants it and with whoever she wants, I simply will have to bide my time until I meet someone.. if I find someone at all.

After a month or two of NC, and I am being adamant about this, I will do some soul searching and see if I could ever be friends with him. At the moment it's too painful, if I find out he's with some other girl there's no telling how much I'll flip out or what I do. When I'm at the point where I simply do not care, I will see if I want to be friends with him.

Thing is, he did technically lie to me by saying he loved me all that time when it was idle friendship, and the realization of his lies voided every one of his promises. Sure, I knew in my heart that it would never happen or be permanent, I was his first girlfriend (sad but true, he's 21-22 and hadn't had a girlfriend since a thing in preschool.) and he had no clue what he really wanted. Foolish girl falls in love with confused and stupid boy- relationship fails unless you're in a fairy tale.

I've been struggling with bouts of low self-esteem lately. I feel like no one will love me- I'm too mean, too insane, and too ugly for it. Just like a witch or ugly stepsister, everyone hates you until you have this big massive change of heart and no longer hate the people who caused you to be miserable, even if it was completely their fault. The king and queen 'forgot' to invite the witch to Sleeping Beauty's baby shower. Cinderella's sisters were threatened by her presence and following their mother's footsteps in hating her. Snow White was never modest or kind, she abandoned the 7 dwarfs after her prince came along, and perhaps the witch was trying to teach girls like her a lesson.

But where is the prince in my story? Not here, not there, not anywhere. None of the ugly or angry in the stories find love.

Thing is, hate allows me to bear my every day life. It strengthens me, and helps me learn from my pain. So how can I be nice and pretty and dainty and cruel to those I think are below me, when I've always been the girl who was below all other girls?

Being a Strange Kid is Tough.

Growing up, I was the one who was ridiculed and mocked for everything from appearance to my strange behavior. I was made to feel like crap.

As a little girl, I apparently was cute, but incredibly stupid. I had bad experiences with other guys that borderlines molestation that i cannot tell anyone about, the ONE person I've told outside the necessary people (mother, teacher, counselor) left me a few weeks later and it just makes me wonder if it was a nail in the coffin of the relationship.

But then I got older, got fat, didn't wear any makeup, never did anything with my hair. I also had some psychological issues, possibly deep-rooted ones from my experiences, that made me act like a dog and make people believe I was crazy. Eventually I stopped, but then the kids just simply did not accept me. I had rocks thrown at me, coins thrown at me (I still consider this a bonus), and people consistently talk bad about me. Maybe it was just middle school, maybe it was the fact that I believed myself to be insane. But then in 8th-9th grade I got skinny. No idea how, I did nothing to loose weight, it just vanished. Maybe it really was the meds I went off of. Who knows.

I still wasn't loved, and I still had issues in high school. Now, in college, i'm having issues with people. Is it me, or is it them? I think it's me, otherwise why would the pretty girls call me fat and ugly and pick at my weaknesses, even as a technical adult. i have no idea how I'll ever succeed relationship wise, he was all I had.

I'll keep posting as I go back to class tomorrow and have to face not my ex but just the world, which I REALLY don't want to do.

Thinking She Can't Do It

I don't want to go to school without my ex's encouragement. I despise the people classes, heck, I despise people in general.

I used to take five minutes before starting my day to read whatever he'd send me on how he loved me and how he wished my day well. I don't want to deal with people. One of my few friends I know for sure won't be there, she went back to her hometown.

I need his encouragement to get through my day, especially today. I have Latin, math and English all today, some of my hardest classes, and all of last semester I would get through the worst by dreaming of him and telling myself I have to get through it to get to him. But what do i have to look forward to now? Nothing. I have absolutely squat in the way of motivation. Why should I bother doing well, if i know he's not going to give a frick? Why should I keep my GPA up knowing it won't affect him in any way or make him proud of me? I loved him so much... he was my reason to go on with life. And now to find he meant none of it and the last half year of my life was a lie... god all i want to do is break NC. But if I do that he'll see me as weak, spineless, a fool. If i pour my soul out to him again he'll crush me like a bug.

Nothing in my life is worth going through... I have nothing to look forward to. I don't have his smile, his eyes... god all I want is for him to love me again. I don't care if it's all a lie. I just need someone to tell me it'll be okay and that I'm special and that the opinions of other people don't matter. But no, I'm not worthy of love.

I'm not worthy of anything that another person gives me. I'm just a lousy friend and girlfriend, the worst catch in the world... it's going to take so much to keep myself from suicide. And i have absolutely nothing, am nothing, and will be nothing.

If you're reading this and giving a crap, thank you.

Oh yuck, people.

So today didn't go as badly as expected. I didn't break down and cry, though i was sad during the classes that were boring as anything and would typically think of him to pass the time.

I miss being able to tell him about my day. I wish I could tell him of both the ups and downs, the cruel smartaholic I used to have a minor crush on's putting me down, the hugs and caring I received from a few close friends, and the fact that I simply cannot say or hear the right thing. Someone was talking about peanuts after a joking conversation about invisible penises, and I thought we were still on that conversation. Other times i blubbered my words and tripped on them, embarrassing myself in front of ex-crush (SO over him, he's a narcissist AND a know-it-all who loves to make others suffer for him, I saw that within a month of watching his actions) after trying to ask a simple question. Also, I consistently saw the boy who looked exactly like him... and it upset me greatly.

Sure, I can pull a strong face and not burst into tears in public. But underneath that tough, wanting-to-fight girl is a girl who's hurting deeply, and so I'm just not as focused as I want to be.

I have to work on my Latin homework. And my Horticulture homework, even though those were the two subjects I bragged to my ex and made him feel proud of me about. But I really, really don't want to without his encouragement. But just because he's a d-bag and left, doesn't mean I should ruin my future. I love what I do. I enjoy working towards my goals in life. I love the language I'm studying. I may not like the people who are in it, but we all gotta be social sometimes. It could mean a career.

But since I'm not ready to be "just friends" with him, I won't reconnect for a month. Or two. Or three, four... however long it takes to make it so that I don't need him in my life. I've always prided myself on being independent, so why can't I pull myself together and be who I've always been? It's not as if him being in my life changed my independence in my studies. I will pull through this if it kills me... and there's always the chance it will.

It'd be against everything i am to let a man like him change the woman I am. As the saying goes, when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

Highlights of Today:

The friend I was so sure of not being there was there, sharing feelings of missing something just the same as me. She's actually a decent person, who speaks her mind when I do something stupid. She even managed to make me reach out to a new boy, who was sitting alone, and invite him to our table of people who are cool with anyone with a brain and not obsessed with popularity (And understand that Victor is a victor who will win at a lot no matter what).

He declined and said he was already sitting with people. Seemed to both me and her he was sitting at a table by himself TRYING to fit in with the table next to him. I might or might not work on perhaps trying to befriend him, i mean, I feel sorry for him. He's gonna have a hard time fitting for awhile just like any other new guy. Course, I'll be careful, in past years l I befriended a new girl who quickly ditched me for the popular kids.

And though I did feel like the niceness I showed towards him was going to make me sick (I kinda said it made me want to hit someone with the rock glove I had made to store rocks I randomly found in my pocket, don't ask me why), I also felt relieved because I could show some decency, and I don't always like being mean and tough. I like being nice, sad though it may seem, but only to those who will be nice in return. It may be selfish, but those who are in it for themselves, want others to hurt, and are just plain mean to the people in their lives who they feel are lesser I feel do not deserve my kindness.

I hate it when people mocked the 'special' people, or the people who simply had tastes and lifestyles that weren't "normal" to the world.

But anyway, another highlight is the fact that even though emotionally exhausting friends are exhausting, they cared enough to want to visit me and keep me company for a bit. For that I appreciate them a little bit more, they don't mind it when I blow off steam with them... they know I mean nothing of what I say, and joke back.

As for keeping the weight off from my excessive eating tendencies (another joke, I eat more than all my fattest friends), I run a mile or two every other day and go to the gym/self-defense class, which got off a LOT of emotional stress today. For all you struggling with anger/depression... beating the snot out of a bag repeatedly helps greatly, and imagine it's the one who's hurt you if you're still not feeling it.

So at the moment I'm feeling rather... okay-tired.

And I think I'll be doing this daily. The bads, then the goods, and see if they outweigh each other.

For today, I'll say the positives are equal to the negatives. For every whisper or out-loud word I thought heard about me, there was someone who was willing to at least be a friend, or honest. Though I'm gonna have to ask Mary to not be so honest... I am NOT the brunt of the school's laughter, and my purpose isn't to be made fun of (she hears a lot from people who are rather cruel to everyone but each other). Even if I don't give a flying rat's arse what the group as a whole thinks as long as they don't say it to my face. THEN you may or may not have an issue, and I don't play fair... ever.

Oh, the Irony

So I'm watching Courage the Cowardly Dog show out of boredom. You may or may not remember/like the show. It's the episode where the planets align and the artwork in a museum comes out and expresses its true desire.

The Mona Lisa wants to be together with the thinker. He thinks ALL the time and does not ever want to do anything with him. Mona Lisa is lovesick at this, and so she begs Courage to find her a real man, not one who thinks ALL the time and ponders every move to the point of going nowhere in a relationship. Courage, wanting to save his dearest Muriel, trapped within a painting, takes a cherub's arrow, pierces it into the heart of Mona and the man in a lover's statue. They fall in love, he ditches the other lover with just a "we should see other people." She's disgusted and goes "men," (probably becomes the statue representing woman, and the strength they must have) while the thinker stays in the painting with the bar and becomes the lonely man.

I laughed at this. It was the first time something I watched out of boredom had made me smile. Oh, the irony, I thought, because this is what happened with me and me ex. Now if this cartoon is to be believed, he'll be lonely forever and ponder his musings, and I'll find someone who will truly satisfy the desires of my heart, without just saying he wants to. I've started to hate muse for the love songs the ex sent me, every time I think of Undisclosed Desires or I Belong To You I think of a man who truly got me, but he never actually did, he did what he thought might make me happy.

If only I had a dog like Courage who would make the perfect man fall in love with me..

Again, the irony of it all.

Head+Wall and Repeat ](*,)

Just what the doctor ordered. Ach, another day I DON'T wanna go to classes, and I don't feel like doing it without him. Granted, I'm not bawling my eyes out like I was yesterday, but I'm still sad, and still seeing class as a place where too much drama, and too much boring thoughtless stuff goes on. I need to be busy, some classes are busy, others give me the perfect opportunity to sit and think. My B-day is coming up, tomorrow actually. I don't want to celebrate it without him. We were going to do things, stuff we had planned a head, to give me the best birthday ever, now that he's gone it's gonna suck. Just like new years.

Way for him to be a massive let down by breaking up with me two days after Christmas. Ruins EVERY holiday from here until next year. Valentine's day is another one, I thought for once I wouldn't be alone on it, that I'd have a man bringing me flowers and chocolates and being all stereotypical. But since he's got zero feelings for me, he may as well go F off. I'll sit alone and watch sappy valentine's day cartoons and treat it like it's nothing special. There's no one in the world who'd want to be my valentine anyway.

Why do I keep thinking he's my boyfriend, he's my ex. I consistently find myself saying when I hear someone do something we did that "oh, my boyfriend and I..." It's my EX, I have no boyfriend. Again, wall and head. Over and over until it's in my brain forever. Or until I loose the ability to control my thoughts and have mental disabilities. Whatever brings more bliss.

De out, off to class like the good little scholar I am. -insert dramatic eye roll here-

So Apparently Hormones Are Just Another Way of Saying "YOU'RE INSANE, ABANDON ALL HOPE."

Today is not on my list of shining moments in time. So I was in the library working on the new report I have to do, and being whispery with a friend. She was frustrated because she really didn't want to be in the class but they stuck her in it anyway. I was frustrated because I couldn't seem to get my work ethic up. We ended up talking about how people were "whispering about her" already due to her being friends with me, and saying she was okay with it but that I should work on my image. Denial being very crappily covered up, if you ask me. I explained to her that this school is a big show of who can come out on top, those that try to hard to be loved by everyone end up hated by all. Ironically just like high school. I also said i had no respect for this chick and the teacher who were talking about me behind her back and wondering why we're friends with each other, and that I didn't care.

I will befriend those who are lowly, are hurt by the top of the social scene, are fat, are ugly, are plain, don't care about appearance or blending. I do it without even thinking, the moment i met this chick I knew that we'd at least get along, that there was something unusual and covered up about her.

But she has one flaw that is quickly getting on my nerves. Her honesty and saying things without considering how they sound to the other person. She thinks she's fat, I beg to differ. She thinks she's only worthy of a baggy sweater, I say she looks fine and should take it off more, I love her style tastes. I don't mind her OCD moments, or that she thinks no one understands, I love figuring people out and enjoying that person. But when you say that everyone in the school dislikes me and that I'm the mockery of the school, you go too far in being bitter. I am not low, I pride myself on being high up and leading the low, I love making friends with the strange and under appreciated (I even befriended janitors at my old school). And so I don't know how it will go with said girl.

I've also noticed myself gravitating towards guys I'm friends with. I've been trying to avoid this, for one they're afraid of me/think of me as more of a buddy with a vagina and for two most are taken. And even if they are one of the rare few who neither have a girl they describe as 'smokin' hot' and might have attraction towards me, there's a reason I never ended up with them and i must remember that. But hormones will be hormones, or maybe emotions will be emotions. With females, there is no difference.

I got into a joking fest with two guys, they were criticizing the other's looks. I said some stuff, not intended to hurt but to mock, and he said what I feel daily: that I look like a malformed...thing. He even went so far as to say I'm the offspring of incest. For a joke, it's pretty harsh. Being the kind of gal I am, I retorted and we both shut up before it escalated, and before I scared the guy I'm kinda, half-heartedly interested in away. We're just friends, i won't let it get beyond that, but we are alike in our love of strange and dislike of things we find tedious, like class. His exact words to me were just what I was thinking as we sat listening to the teacher's boring recount of her sad, sad life.

I wanna get out of here, maybe get someone to pull a fire alarm and pull off an unarmed escape from this prison, find a place where I actually LEARN something. Possibly fake a seizure and make her shut up first, then bolt in the confusion.

He's simply just agreeable to be around. But we'd probably act if we got together, AND he's taken. She's an annoying little twit, but he's happy enough with her, so friends we are.

Me daily exercise was simple enough. I had Rammstein in my head, and so it made me want to run until the end of time, until I felt the ever-intense stab in my side that proves that I'm not in the best shape I could be, though I can put it off for ten-twenty minutes before it becomes beyond excruciating. I still felt though, that the routine had things missing to it, a quality I enjoyed. Am curious as to what.

I've also found that girls are VERY good at sensing when another is sad or upset at something. Guys may look at you, think you're happy, and go on. But girls will notice a simple throwing of your things onto your seat and be all over you with questions on whether something's wrong.

Not sure if I like or don't like that. I mean, I'm hardly what you'd call friends with the girls who seem to care.

4:55 is coming up. Have to stay distracted.

Guys Are From Another Planet

I'm thinking I need a translator.

So... this entry of journal will be about guys i know but have no interest in farther than friends, excluding ex.

To start, there's my best friend's, let's call her S, boyfriend, T. Dude is a lot like me when i'm not in my nice stage. Angry, tough as nails and willing to die for what he loves. Only problem is that if i was with him, he'd not only make me constantly like that, but we'd probably end up taking out half the world in a blind rage. Friend of mine, an emotionally draining one, introduced me to him after I was dealing with the heartbreak of realizing that a gay guy crush i had would never, in a million years, work out.

I took one look, and fled. Not cos he's ugly (he's on the better looking side of the tough dude spectrum), but the vibe I got from him... the dude was familiar from the start, and also something like a forbidden fruit. If I explain here, I'll have half a dozen people calling me insane PLUS I'll break the confidentiality of my closest friend. So I'll just say that he is what i believe a past soulmate, one I do NOT want to get involved with other than to be friends and share a mutual love and devotion to S. Difference is that he can satisfy her romantic needs, while I try to keep her emotionally stable, something he fails at in exchange for him doing what I can't do.

Next boy, absolutely NO clue what his name is. Aforementioned boy in the above post who thinks like me and has a few things in common. Except, for the fact that we don't know each other too well, we're friends at best. Boy has crooked teeth, is funny and does his own thing regardless of what others think. Something him and I both enjoy doing.

And then there's who i'll call Brandon. And his brother Tyler. Both, for some reason, keep being nice to me or at least civil. Tyler gets a goofy smile on his face. Brandon alternates from angry to kind. I've caught both looking at me more than once. Only issue is, I'd rather not get involved with what I call 'special folk.' Because the heartbreak and pain is far worse on them if the relationship doesn't work, even if I don't mind what they look like or act like. It's the same for Nate, he'll make small talk and try to do things for me when I've clearly got it. This morning I saw him watching me and my friends from a second story window that looks out into the library. I feel a bit of regret for having gotten his hopes up once.

Then, there's Ernie. Oh what a love/hate relationship you have there. Kid knows me pretty well, for one i used to treat horribly... now we tolerate when we see each other, he's dating or was dating a friend of mine.

Oh, and the smart-a-holic former crush boy. I go from trying to avoid him to bickering with him and his so-called intelligence. I hate that his praise makes me feel like I'm doing something right for once. He made it clear that I'd be nothing more than a toy for him to use when he wanted, someone to do the dirty work when he needed a fight. There may have been a time i was willing to fight for him. Not now, I am no one's puppet.

Then there's the boy who looks like ex. Have absolutely no resolve when it comes to talking to him, I've seen him with other chicks either talking or seeming to date them, and I know he's occupied at the moment. His name I'll say is Shane, I first started to get a crush on him after we sat together at lunch and were happy talking. But then he got another table and I found my place, and we drifted apart. No amount of perusing him would have done me much good, even now when I have no boyfriend to hold me back. Plus, I'd rather not look into his face and see only my ex. Not healthy to be in a relationship because someone looks and/or acts like your past.

That's about it for noteworthy guys. Other guy incidents are guys I'm not really wanting to notice, like the guy who informed me I dropped a few dollars who's dating a girl who I almost got into a fight with.

I still have absolutely no clue sometimes what's going on with them. A guy could be perfectly decent one moment and then a jerk the next. It doesn't matter what your relationship with him is, whether it's just friends or dating or hating each other to the point of saying they're first on your list of people to eliminate if you ever snap. The story stays the same, he'll be respecting you and then mocking you in an instant.

I'm pretty sure it's the same to them, one moment we'll be cool and then the next it'll be some form of insanity and over-the-top emotion.

It's a wonder our speicies can breed at all. O_O

Like, OMG, Let's Do Makeovers!

I'm debating taking a friend's advice and dressing pretty/wearing makeup/doing stuff with hair. She said that if I keep doing what I always did my self-esteem will continue to plummet. However, I'm a guy when it comes to beauty stuff. The most I know is hygiene, relaxation, how to smell good, cover up and how to apply eyeliner and mascara for days when i need to look my best.

I gave up on hair styling. Most I do is straighten sometimes.

So... middle school ask-the-beauty-queen to make me over it is, if I can stomach it. Outfit picking too, my usual outfit is jeans and either a black shirt or a shirt with an interesting design. No real style.

Why do I want this? Besides the self-esteem thing, friends tell me I'd be pretty if I tried, and I also want to not be known as the girl to call when you need backup in a fight or a riot to be whipped up.

I kinda wanna be known as the girl who buries herself into books, likes flowers and plants, and can care deeply about someone. Every time I come by with a flower arrangement I made or am reading a book I get all these surprised and annoyed people.

Truth is, I'm both a tough, trigger-happy chick and a goody-goody who likes to be alone and at peace with the world. I don't know which side is most me. Get me around plants or hand me a good book, and I become almost like the anti-me. I dunno if this is something to be concerned about or not. It's just a girly, feminine side that no amount of hardship should kill... when it dies, the sane me dies. And I'm scared most of all of what I would do should I snap from the pressure and loose that easy-going, submissive side.

I'm also sick of having moments where i'll bring flowers in for a project in like, English and connect them to the book, and have all these people going "...you like flowers? She's actually showing a feminine side? Is it the end of the world??" I hate it.

But tough girl side has her bonuses too. For one, able to deal with the stuff that would destroy the gentle me. For two, able to deal with the pain of knowing things from the past. For three, I can take the insults of the world, the petty struggles an individual encounters in society and is able to be strong enough to stand up for herself when the moment arises.

I dunno which came first. I dunno which I need more. But I do want to start looking like the inside me, just so that people can see that I am BOTH, not one or the other.

S, get ready to make some calls or get your arse over to where I am. And make sure you're sitting because the end of the world is coming...I'm seriously considering a makeover.

That's about it for today's transition. De out.

B-Day or D-Day?

So...today actually went MUCH better than expected. As some may know, today is my birthday. I'm 19 now.

Food was good, friends were friendly, negative people kept at a minimum, homemade cookies delicious. Going to get spoiled with Chinese food and ice cream cake by a close friend.

I'm writing a letter to future me, I do it every year. My advice? Fall in love slowly, never rush things. Have been reading House MD quotes every time i feel sad, makes me feel so much better.

I think i'm moving on, and today is a good day. In the back of my head I want to see if he messaged me to wish me a happy birthday, but why torture myself. It's my birthday, shouldn't i be happy?

List of positive things that happened today:

A guy named Victor and I are becoming friends after what was a dislike/annoyance of each other. I'm friends with his girlfriend, so it's a great thing since he can be a tad controlling of her.

Watched an enemy get rightfully yelled at for neglecting his duties in class and causing a serious set back for the teacher. Am glad I did nothing to sabotage him, cruel people have a way of getting what's coming to them on their own.

Was able to have conversations with people without tripping on words.

Managed to keep conversation focused on Mary.

Kept up with know-it-all in an intellectual debate/argument.

Was praised by Latin teacher for my sudden re-devotion to the language.

Made cookies that tasted AWESOME.

Found my laugh.

Discussing a topic I know quite a bit about in English, and a mix-up caused the work I forgot to do to not be necessary.

Was not made to sit through calculus. Teacher took a sick day.

List of bad:

Have/had a headache

S is complaining to me about killing herself. I'm failing at helping her. Her breakdowns are worrying me... but there's nothing i can do but be supportive and caring like a friend should.

T has been rather flirtatious lately and I don't want it to cause a rift.

TV is not showing my favorite TV episode of the show i love.

Every time I think of him or drift into a fantasy I worsen my depression.

Hm, so in the grand scheme of things... today is a birthday, not a doom day. Yet. I'm still half-expecting the rest of my birthday to be completely bleh. The fact that S is freaking out is enough for me to doubt a truly happy b-day.

Best Friend and Celebrations

So, I've been reading a lot of things that remind me of all the things I've done in the past for my best friend S. I gave up the guy known as one of my "soulmates" who was exactly like me in many ways and then introduced her to the girl who hooked me up with him, who then hooked him up with her. I consistently told her through high school that she was pretty, so much more prettier than me and at least she's headstrong and knows what she wants. I've comforted her many times when she cried, even exposed my weakest side so that she could emphasize with me. I've let her know the strong and weak parts of my mind, and showed her the side that never sees daylight. I've told her exactly how she's worth so much more than me, that I'm honest to a fault and just wouldn't lie if i saw her as ugly or massively fat (she may be chubby, but obese girls are ones that weigh 300+ pounds and eat more than me). I've coaxed her through the bad times and kept her company in the lonely ones, and been there for the happy times. I've talked her out of ending it numerous times, at my own emotional cost, and gladly would walk through fire to save her life or even just to get her what she wants.

But the one thing, and this frustrates me as much as T, her boyfriend, that i cannot give her is happiness. You'd think that with a loyal boyfriend and best friend at her side, protecting her and giving her the devotion that she deserves, she'd have no reason to cry or freak out.

You see, me and him cannot get her certain things she wants for personal reasons. It's not that we wouldn't if we could, it's not that we're terrified out of our minds, it's that it's impossible, and so she's miserable. Not even love is enough for her. It used to bring me to tears daily to find that she was hurting. It doesn't anymore, I think I made a massive mistake when I pushed her away to spend more time with my EX (need to work on correcting calling him my boyfriend). I'm still close to her, I just kinda let T take all the emotional problems... and him being a guy handled it very poorly, thinking she was only happy with me.

What he doesn't see is me failing at giving her advice, and that she comes to me sad or angry many times. He also doesn't see that she is jealous and possessive, that when he so much as talks to a pretty friend of his she goes psycho. S knows I love her as a friend and he loves her as a future wife and lover. She knows we'll always be there for her, that even when we get frustrated we aren't pissed at her, that we beat ourselves up for days when we snap at her or do any sort of misdeed that leads to her being sad. She's still depressed and states that no one understands her or likes her. I like her. He loves her and can satisfy her romantic needs with a few words/actions, and fill in where I simply cannot be (not into banging a girl I'm friends with, so...).

My question is, why can't she be happy here, with us, and stop believing in her fantasies before it hurts us more? It kills me to hear that no one understands, that I don't understand heartbreak or sorrow or love, when I've given her all the support I can give no matter what issues are going on in my life. Even when my ex had broken up with me, I was there for her negative thoughts about him lying and cheating on her. And it kills him even more than me to hear that she wants to kill herself and thinks she's ugly and that he doesn't really love her, because he has no idea what to say when she's like that.

Ach, if I could capture happiness and give it to her on a silver platter I would and no doubt he would too, but her depression is putting a strain on that strong, almost too good to be true relationship I see there.

In other news, my birthday went well. I ate my food and laughed at my other friend's corny jokes. I now have two new necklaces to replace the ones stolen from me, two I'll value greatly, and some new shirts/boots. So at least that brings joy to my sad thoughts, I can now *try* to feel awesome during class tomorrow.

Mr. Ex, Eat Your Heart Out

Today I realized that even if he pounded on my door and begged me to take him back, I wouldn't. And it's not because I can't trust him, or that he has/is causing me emotional torment, but because well, he just wasn't the great guy I believed he was.

My spirits are slowly going up. I've been working my tail off to keep a good grade in my classes, and on the side found people to talk to. Though my talking to guys is like a shy guy talking to girls, I'm screwing it completely up... and have had to snap myself out of my thinking no one could love me numerous times. Been encroaching more and more on a group of people I never really talked to before, with the exception of one or two. I need to get myself situated around people who aren't going to drain me emotionally and physically, and who will understand that I don't always want to talk or have someone's shoulder to cry on. I dislike such social scenarios unless I really know said crutch person and know exactly when to stop. It's a kind gesture, I suppose, but it's one I don't have an interest in because i know it will lead to further drama and them wanting to repay the favor... usually by sitting around my room and crying about their suffering for a month or two. I can deal with a few weeks, but someone who cries for a month over something so little as a bad grade seems unnecessary.

Another emotionally draining gal is currently complaining that she's not meant for college and that it's everyone else's problem, not hers. She was earlier groaning that it was BS that because she didn't hand in an important online assignment, she's failing botany. Her reasoning for not getting it done is lack of a computer, but I shared mine with her, and guess who's fault it is her old one is broken? Not me, she threw it for reasons I didn't care to hear. She's so childish, I can't believe I'm friends with her. More like acquaintances, and i've been avoiding her lately. Gotta get myself prepared for the verbal fight that gets her away from me, I just can't deal with it anymore. Already she's saying how I don't know everything and not everything she does is wrong (even though she admitted when it comes to botany she hasn't an actual clue/doesn't pay attention, and was screwing with the microscope thus losing the perfect image I had of a cell). I can tolerate blaming others for their own screw ups, but sitting there and waiting for someone else to fix the problem while crying about it? Not something I like seeing. I can understand doing that if it's a massive problem for a few weeks. But doing it repeatedly for over a year and falling into situations such that are easily avoided and then NOT doing anything to fix it when you've realized it's a problem is ridiculous.

Enough about bum friends and bum men. I'm currently enjoying one of my favorite TV shows and an orange at this time. And my green amber works, I've been happier lately. The Pisces stone I'm wearing looks great with my outfits, too, and might just attract the attention of people who will creatively lift my spirits higher.

It's two days now I haven't cried. Been sad, but no tears. I think I'm doing better.

Sit On A Stone and Ponder The World

You'll still come to the conclusion that you don't actually know anything.

I have a headache and backache. Probably due to lack of sleep. But tomorrow's Saturday, so no early mornings for me.

I've realized that I get bored way too quickly with well, just about everything I've been doing lately. Grr. Boredom is the root of all suffering...

Also, every time i see ex's name, I either get sad or angry and wish the guy would disappear from the face of the planet before he had time to scream. It irritates me because his name is EVERYWHERE. Famous people, not so famous people, directors, actors, game creators, authors, artists... is his name really that popular that everywhere I look there's his name? -sigh- Just can't get away far or fast enough.

In other news, I've rediscovered my love of music after refusing to listen to anything or even so much as look at iTunes/my MP3 player. And what a world of good angry music does. Though it may now be the source of my pounding headache, it's that or someone's consistent nagging and b****ing. These migraines are taking a toll on my nerves, tonight is definitely one of those nights where I want to be left alone. No thoughts of ex driving me up the wall or her throwing things at me telling me to pick up my crap when it's not even mine half the time. Plus, she's loud and obnoxious... I was happier earlier when she was gone. Ow..

I've been talking to this guy friend, who apparently is also single now. He and I share the same macabre horror tastes and amusement at surreal strangeness and metaphysical artistic expression... earlier today he and I freaked out these girls who'd been giving me crap by placing a realistic figurine with knives sticking out of it and finishing it off by placing fake blood on/all around it. Did I also happen to mention that the figurine looked like one of them...

Revenge is sweetest when the other person has it coming.

I think though that me and him should keep it friends if anything. We both just got out of relationships and to be honest, I'm more interested right now in quick flings that can be tossed at anytime than a stable relationship. He's no doubt also hurting somewhere, though he hides it as much as me... it would be horrible on both of us.

He's also really tall and has long uncombed hair... dunno how awkward that would look. I am, after all, a short person.

It's strange when you wake up from a fantasy relationship and take a look around, and immediately find people with the same interests as you. Though I think I jinx myself way to much... the second i started talking about my ex it turned south. The second I got my hopes up about a person I would be crushed.

Maybe negative thinking is what actually gets yourself farthest in life, positive thinking only leads you to be more hurt when something bad actually does happen. Or maybe it's just the happiness that you get when you realize you're not right. Who knows, it's what works, but there's the risk of becoming a massive pessimist.

S has been doing some deep thought about her relationship and I *think* she's come to some major conclusions and gotten to the route of her problems with him. I'm busy trying not to be jealous that she's at her 2 and 8 month mark and is still happily dating him.

Bleh. Thinking about that just worsened my headache. Ugh. At least there's a House marathon on.

Later, all those who read this.

Soul Searching

So, over the last week or so I went away from the computer. Away from everything. And I thought I was doing so great... until one day when i got back on the computer I started browsing photos and found a few I forgot to delete. It brought the hurt right back... plus I'm terrified that my best friend, who is all that I have left, is going to leave me too because it's just too hard for the both of us to see each other.

I have been keeping up no contact, but I am ashamed to say that on occasion I'll do what i just did now, and see if he's around on that site we used to go on. He hasn't been around for 5 days and he also put up a song, which scares me all the more to think that someone or thing has sabotaged our relationship. Plus, my grades are sucking right now, I can't afford more than 1 C and yet I have 3, one of which might be lower because I did a horrible job on my last assignment. I used to be an all A's with few Bs student... and now this too is ruining what little i have left.

I'm barely able to keep from contacting him right now. I know i'm far from over him... but i need him so much and I want to know what the heck made him change his mind and why he only gave me BS reasons for ending it. The more I look around, the more I see he was the typical guy and used typical excuses.. so it makes me wonder what the frick went wrong.

I can't keep my head high every day, especially now when everything counts on my test grades. I have tests all week this week, and i just can't do it knowing he's not going to be around... and the loneliness itself is killing me. I forced myself to hang out with people I didn't care about just to not be alone for a couple hours, to feel normal because i knew this was going to happen and I was going to break down.

I've been suppressing it more than anything.. and i see now that the hurt just isn't gonna go away, if I'm still sad all the time and forcing it into the back of my mind. The song that's currently being played by my room mate is making it worse, why the heck is her relationship going so well. He broke up with her, so why are they still seeing each other and having sex every day. Why aren't they going through this... why does she sing "stuck on you" and is happy every day, when she's supposedly heartbroken. For that matter, why the hell are all the relationships I see on TV so perfect? Elliot and JD's relationship was a bad one, so how did they remain friends and why did they get back together. And House and Cuddy, they hated each other and got together. Frick it, why is it that with everyone else, a break up isn't really a break up, but with me if i threw myself at his feet and begged him to just stay with me, that I'd do anything to make it work, he'd probably just shake his head at my pathetic ways and walk away?

I keep catching myself thinking of him, thinking of romantic things while i work... and it makes me incredibly depressed that I just want to leave the room and cry for a year.

I've also found myself thinking increasingly gorier and awfuller thoughts. Who the frick does he think he's kidding, I can't do good for the world. I want to kill people, to brutally maim them and leave nothing but tragedy behind. I'm doing horrible in class, my future is crumbling around me, I can't even go two seconds without pining over what will never be or becoming so cold and rational that it scares me. I'm not good for this world, if anything someone should come and kill me before I start harming others. I'm useless and pathetic and it just doesn't matter what anyone else says, they all know it too.

As for my friend, her boyfriend-centered attitude is severely straining our tolerance of each other, I can tell... and i'd never wish them ill, but I'm so jealous and she really is all that I have left in this world to love. I would do anything for her, but her boyfriend is above me in the ability to make her happy, so what use am I? I'm just her best friend, i don't want and never will be something more.

She also blew off plans to see me because she wanted her own bed and wanted to see her boyfriend. Which pissed me off, though I didn't show it. But now I'm sure that we'll just not see each other again, and that the rest of the world will just continue to wear me down until I can't take it anymore.

I just want to be normal... then maybe he'd take me back, maybe he'd be like he was, maybe he'd forget whatever was said to him to make him leave me. At this point I'd forgive him if it was because he found another girl, so long as he left her and went back to me... I just need him or someone so badly.

I want to die. I resist it every day but it's getting too tough.. what am I going to do? What can a nobody do, to solve all her problems? My motto may have always been "stop whining about it and do something," but what happens if there's just nothing left to do?

Thanks goes to anyone who cares enough to read this journal, at least i can pretend like someone sort of cares.

I shouldn't have to put up with this...

I am so sick of living here. I'm sick of my mother, sick of my brothers, sick of life itself. I want to kill myself and it's not just saying it anymore, I can't keep from having these breakdowns..

My brother decided to march upstairs all high and mighty and say that I did something that I didn't, and then continually blamed me for it. Then proceeded to remove the internet from the house, pissing everyone else off at me and at him. Which lead to mother going on a tirade saying that I should move out, my other brother saying how it's all my fault, and me breaking down in tears... I hate them so much and I know I should be past this stage but i'm just not, I despise my family. And don't feed me a line of BS saying how it could be worse, I'd rather a functional drunk, physically abusive and poor family then a dysfunctional, well-off and abusive on all scales one any day. I can take a punch, that's all my other brother does. But what I can't take is the constant streams of put downs, how I'm such a * * * * * , how I should just * * * * off and live with my good-for-nothing father... god I just want this to end.

I just want to escape from it all.. and nothing i do is f*cking working. My brother can't stop being a whiny little kid of a man who always must be right for two seconds, and my mother is literally about to just throw us all out in the cold. I just don't know what to do and I'm too * * * * ing scared to ask anyone for advice. My best friend still hasn't messaged me, no one else I know gives a sh-t, i'm such a mess and it's no wonder my boyfriend left me.

And now my brother is going to kiss my mother's a** some more and tell her how it's all my fault and how I don't deserve the internet, my one escape from this hell.

F-ck it, and f-ck them all, I think everyone would just be happier were I to die.

Good Times Got Bad

And I'm here again. I really need to rant, so listen up, anyone who cares.

Okay, so I got over ex, and found somebody new. Everything was great until today.

He messages me over AIM, telling me he's just not feeling in love and it's not right for him. Obviously, he just completely destroyed me, again. Now I'm back to where I was, crying and wishing he'd change his mind and telling myself it'll be alright while secretly contemplating suicide. I was working on a love story, too, before he went and wrecked it all.

Here's where things go from bad, to worse. Him and I started to get open last week, being all lovey dovey and such. I showed him my breasts. BIG mistake, as now he's dumped me heartlessly. I don't know what caused this change of heart, but i'm devastated and wondering if he was only doing it for sex. I was clear that I wanted the relationship to be based on love and happiness, but I guess we moved way too fast and now I'm stuck in this pit of despair. He's dumped me after two months, which bites because I thought it was going to go somewhere. Guess i thought wrong.

Worse, to overall horrible. He goes to my school and sees me daily. I have no choice but to suck it up and go tomorrow knowing full on he doesn't give a flying rat's a for me. It's going to kill me inside, I know it, and I can't just skip. FML.

This is Why Girls Like Me Don't Date

I hate this feeling. I feel so weak, and all I want is a person to talk to. But best friend is busy, best friend's boyfriend is being mean to me and her, newest ex is gone, old ex doesn't wanna hear it. Alone again, naturally. That'd be me.

I need someone in my life! I need someone who is going to click, who is going to love me, who is going to make me happy like my exes have. But no. Dedem's a freak, dedem's annoying, dedem's whiny. She doesn't deserve happiness, even when guy is perfect for her. I want to scream at my ex, beg him to take me back, but from what I've learned it's to have more dignity than that. However, I can't tolerate seeing him again.

I keep falling into memories, like the one where I was saying how I'm ugly and he gave me a huge kiss and said I was the most lovely thing in the world. How can someone go from that, to just not loving me? He says we're not compatible. Not compatible! Dude, we love the same things, can talk for long periods of time, and enjoy each other's company. How are you having doubts? Is it because of you, because you're so closed off from me? Or is it me, trying to peek inside? I don't know anymore, I just wish you would at least have the common decency to wait another month before making your decision. I want to beg you to take me back so badly... but you're gone, and everyone else has abandoned me, forcing me here again, where I'm going to have to deal with the heartbreak and the drama all over again until I finally meet a new guy. I just wish that I was one of those girls who had guys lining up for her, I'd be fine I guess. But because I'm both ugly and annoying, I'm with no one, and don't say it's not true because it is. Otherwise, how are you saying we're not compatible? You're not the first guy who said to me that we balance each other out then almost immediately backed out. What is wrong with me, that I run into this?

Man, do I hate men... maybe I should go bi for a time. Be nice to get away from the world that is men.

So that's me, signing out because her life sucks right now and she just can't handle it.

Why Are We Here Again?

I reread a post from way back when, and found this and just started almost bawling.

Next boy, absolutely NO clue what his name is. Aforementioned boy in the above post who thinks like me and has a few things in common. Except, for the fact that we don't know each other too well, we're friends at best. Boy has crooked teeth, is funny and does his own thing regardless of what others think. Something him and I both enjoy doing.

Well, his name is now New Ex. Yes, yours truly did go for him, when I really should not have bothered going beyond friends.

I suppose my hunch was right all along, that New Ex really is nothing more than friend material. I'm feeling a little bit better than yesterday and better than how last relationship left me, but that could just be the numbness. My inner maternal voice has been talking to me all day (you can call me crazy). Telling me we gave it a shot, we failed, now I should get over it before I end up back in a hole with nothing but the sad and bad feelings. Telling me that we can be friends, that it's better then being in misery with a guy who didn't truly understand me, that I'm only trying to find happiness in others again.

I'm not able to eat and won't for another two, maybe three days. Monday and Sunday are going to be hard, that was when I visited New Ex and we hung out. Not anymore, since friends don't kiss/hold hands/cuddle. Never again...

I'm thinking of forcing myself to be single for a year. Two months-not long enough to jump into a relationship, especially from another who also came from a rough relationship. It was destined to fail, so why am I here and feeling so depressed? Why do I need him in my life, when he's nothing more than a friend?

Seeing what happened with Old Ex is forcing me to understand that friends does not mean girlfriend-boyfriend. Yes, I broke NC as I stated before. He's being cold towards me, willing to talk but really seeming more nonchalant. I'm just praying we can still hang out, that it won't be awkward.

All I really want is him... god I am so weak.

If you'd please, I'd like to post a song which is bringing me to tears right now.

In The Sun-Joseph Arthur

I picture you in the sun

Wondering what went wrong

And falling down on your knees, asking for sympathy

And being caught in between all you wish for and all you see

And trying to find anything, you can feel, that you can believe in

May God's love be with you

Always

May God's be with you

I know I would apologize

If I could see your eyes

'Cos when you showed me myself you know

I became someone else

But I was caught in between

All I wish for and all I need

I picture you fast asleep

A nightmare comes, you can't keep away

May God's love be with you

Always

(x3)

Because if I find, if i find my way, how much will I fight?

Because if I find, if I find my way, how much will I find?

I'll find you, yeah...

Oh I don't know anymore

What it's for

I'm not even sure

If there is anyone who is in the sun

Will you help me to understand

Because I've been caught in between all I wish for and all I need

Or maybe you're not even sure

What it's for

Like me...

May God's love be with you... always... (x3)

Because if I find, if I find my way, how much will I find? (x3)

If you want, you can listen to the song:

I don't know anymore. I'm breaking down, and not even sure of why. I just need a friend right now, someone to talk to me and tell me it'll be alright. But it's just too much to ask for... this journal is truly the only thing helping me when i'm like this.

I don't know how much longer I can keep the smile on my face while i'm at school. I know it's better to smile even when you're sad, and act like you're over it, but if I have to go one more morning near him, knowing I don't have his love or even his true concern... I just don't know.

I'll try and post later when I've gone back to numbness. Dedem, signing out.

Wake Up and Smell The Rancid Coffee

Then dump it down the drain with the rest of the emotional garbage. My friend was getting worried about me, so she dragged me out shopping, and it was on the way that I realized something that helped me calm down a bit.

Why am I crying for him? He's just one guy in an endless world filled with guys. It wasn't meant to be, plus we didn't get too personal, so why am I sad?

And that's when it hit me. I'm crying over a boy who won't matter after awhile. I'm crying because I don't know why, when it shouldn't even matter. I'm crying over experiences which yes, were nice, but are done now. It's just like when my grandfathers and cats died. Yes, those experiences were great, I loved spending time with my loved ones, but once they are gone there's no getting them back. It's time to stop feeling sad that I can't see him on Sunday or Monday, and start focusing on the present. I'm single and I should be happy for that, because you can't honestly meet Mr. Perfect and be dating Mr. Not Perfect. I should be thankful for this break up, for one it eased up a lot of stress on me, for two he just wasn't meant for me and yes, it would be unfair to have me date him. Any guy who only wants you around for sex-related fun is not in love with you, just your body. Yuck.

Hel-lo numbness, it's been too long.

I Want To Get Drunk, Party, And Overall Forget That I Have Problems

But unfortunately for me, I'm a "good" girl. I need a life, seriously. Effing self-esteem issues, why can't I just be happy being single? Lots of women who are strong can go out after a rough break up, and have a good time. But me? I'm laying in bed, unable to eat, and crying my eyes out left and right. Self-pity thy name is dedem.

What kills me is that this wasn't even a serious relationship. This was a rebound at best, so why do I feel like crap? It's like I got dumped by Old Ex all over again. Well, chalk that up as a lesson learned. Rebounds=worse pain in the end.

My friends have been somewhat supportive, as have my family, but really I'm getting sick of just being. This is the tip of the iceberg, now let's see how far the ship that is my life is gonna sink. I've learned something though. I can't lie myself into love. I knew when I met him something didn't feel right, and I should've confronted him on that. But I got caught up in the feel-good feelings, and so that enhanced the lie.

These three rules will be for my future reference:

-Don't even think about acting in the relationship. And if it doesn't feel right, end it before it begins.

-NEVER equate sex with love.

-Don't shut up about your needs or wants because you think his are "more important." Trust me honey, they aren't.

I think I'll post another song. *Maybe* make it a habit.

Word of warning though-the song has swears. So if you want to look it up, it's Puddle Of Mud's She F***ing Hates Me. I'll replace 'She' with 'He.'

Met a guy, thought he was grand

Fell in love, found out firsthand

Went well for a week or two

Then it all came unglued

In a trapped trip I can't grip

Never thought I'd be the one who'd slip

Then I started to realize

I was living one big lie

He effing hates me

Trust he effing hates me

La la la love

I tried to hard and he tore my feelings like I had none

Ripped them away

He was king for about an hour

After that, sh** got sour

He took all I ever had

No sign of guilt, nor feeling bad

No!

In a trapped trip I can't grip

Never thought I'd be the one who'd slip

Then I started to realize

I was living one big lie

He effing hates me

Trust he effing hates me

La la la love

I tried to hard and he tore my feelings like I had none

Ripped them away

That's my story

As you see

Learned my lesson and so did he

Now it's over

And I'm glad

'Cos I'm a fool for all I've said!

He effing hates me

Trust he effing hates me

La la la love

I tried to hard and he tore my feelings like I had none

Ripped them away

La la la love

Trust

(x5)

He effing hates me!

I'm going to go down a bag of bugles and watch Medical Dramas for a while. Ciao.

-dedem

Friends Are Always There For You

At this time, I really love my best friend. She's smart, funny and independent, and can coax me out of my depression just as I can when she's feeling down.

Through the breakup she confronted New Ex on it and got me the answers I really needed, then after she realized I'm torturing myself reading his wall, removed him as a friend so that I will no longer obsess over it.

She's also told me that I should never get emotionally invested until I've been with a guy for more than 6 months, and the reason why this breakup hurt so bad is because it was a rebound and only brought back the depression that came with breaking up with Old Ex. Then she went and found me a game to play for a few hours, to keep my mind off him.

S is the best, I just hope her relationship holds because right now I don't know if I can be there for her if she gets dumped.

E'ry body gettin' dumped up in here. Fo' realz. /end being 'ghetto'

I'm forcing myself to smile tomorrow, even if I'm dying inside. I don't need him, and he can f-off for what he did. You don't stick with a girl until she shows you the girls (or more) and then leave her. You just don't, and it shows how little he really did care.

Screw him.

Old Ex is wanting to be friends, but I'm confused at this rate. Ever since I started e-mailing him, he's been kinda... annoyed.

So I think to myself, he's mad at me? We agreed that when I was 100% over him (and i am now) that I would message him and we'd be talking, a sort of venting thing that we had before we started dating. And right about now, I could use a friend who has no strings in my life, someone I can tell all my secrets to. He was like that before, I was thinking he could be now.

I guess I shouldn't have ignored him for so long. Oh well.

Apparently me going and moving on with my life and finding someone new within two months of our relationship (rebound or not) makes me look like I don't care.. I do care about him, but just in that way friends do. I now care about him less then I care about best friend (who I love indefinitely), can't say the same for New Ex.

He's decided that we'll talk about anything and everything on Wednesday. I was hoping for Monday (which is going to be awful) but he's got classes and crap to do, plus a bunch of other things. So Wednesday it is.

Here's the thing with me-I'm straight with people. Had I not been dumped by New Ex, I would still not be talking to Old Ex. Can't say the same for New Ex, but whatever.

I see it as a form of cheating if you're still talking to your most recent ex, others might not see it that way, but it just seems like you're still pining for them if you're talking to them in any manner that isn't nonchalant. Which is why I vanish when I'm dating someone new, because A) I get over the old Ex and B) it doesn't cause jealousy or problems with new guy.

I also refuse to cheat. I've been cheated on, but those were easier on me because I either wasn't too emotionally invested or skipped straight past this pathetic self-pity stage. At least I'm not the type of girl (though I wish I was) who will get dumped, and two weeks later have a new boy on her lips. I waited a month this time before determining I was okay, now it's going to be at least 6, since even a month is just too quickly.

One good thing about rebounds- they get your mind off the person you really were in love with. And I'm not talking the "Oh, I love you and want to be with you" kind of love, I'm talking the "I love you and will do anything for you, just ask. I'm truly yours" kind of love. That hurt way worse then this relationship did.

I'm thinking of a good quote I heard, 'in the end, everyone ends up alone.' Never truer, even if I had a lifelong companion I'd just end up dying and being alone... or in heaven with them, though I don't know how that'd go since everyone has more than one soul mate and love up there is supposed to be felt by all. I think i'm more comforted in the fact that there might be nothing but darkness after life, since an afterlife scares me. Don't worry though-it might be tempting, but I always used to say that no matter how bad things get, I'd prove the world wrong and keep breathing until I had no energy to breathe. I have times where even that's not enough, but something or someone is always there to say "oh no you aren't, now come here and have a hug" whenever I say I'm going to kill myself.

Man. I've just realized how much this journal is helping me alone. I wish it was a bit more one-on-one, but I have Old Ex for that if I really feel i can trust him with everything. But you who care enough to read this... you guys don't judge, or if you do you do it silently, and you won't go to people and start blabbing this. And even if you did, you wouldn't know where to begin.

I'm wondering if anyone does actually read this, if so you are the best.

Let Me Off The Emotional Roller Coaster

Mood right now-Happy/numb/somewhere in between

Mood five seconds ago-sad but realizing friend deleted him for the best

Mood five seconds from now-either crying, afraid or numb.

I feel like I'm in a game of emotional pinball right now. Ping-life may be hard but keep going Ping-Life is too hard, why won't anyone love me waaaah! Ping- that effing retard! I hate him so much for doing this to me! Ping- Oh shut up, throwing a fit like a big baby isn't gonna bring him back. It'll just give you premature wrinkles. [-X

I hate emotions. I really do. It's like they're ganging up on me all at once. Wonder if this is what pregnant women feel in the 9 long months before giving birth.

In other news, this might be the first night I've not puked. Yay.

I'm so lonely right now. Bestie gets to see her bf still while I sit here and talk to the internet, get my rage out, and then fall asleep listening to the soothing sounds of some drama show.

Well. That's it for me today. Crying and feeling sad takes so much out of you that you just can't help but feel happy/numb. Dedem out.

Sundays Are NOT My Fundays

I'm depressed again this morning. It seems the memories of Sundays spent with New Ex are coming back to haunt me. I just really want his kiss today, to be hugged, to feel his love like I used to, but never again.

He dumped me like a ton of bricks, there's no getting him back and I just feel really awful today. It's going to be worse tomorrow, since I also saw him on Mondays and I'm going to see him twice for extended amounts of time... I might as well skip school tomorrow because I just can't deal with this. It's either that he leaves me alone or I slowly but surely start hating him and everyone around him, and I just don't know how I'll be able to confront him alone during class on this. I know he doesn't want to give up his old friends, but I am not the one who ended this relationship therefore I should not be expected to move from our table and away from all of my friends. It may mean I don't see him anymore, but I don't want to be alone.

Argh. I don't know what to do and I'm on the verge of tears. I hate mornings, I hate Sundays/Mondays, and above all, I hate him for doing this. He left me with no warning at all after spending a day with me and being all happily in love, and I'm pretty sure he left me for someone else like the douche he is.

I'm also upset because... I don't know. I just feel like everything going wrong lately is my fault. When someone's relationship ends, I feel responsible. When someone gets hurt, I feel like I'm to blame. I don't know why, and it's killing me to think about, and all the other little things that I know i shouldn't be torturing myself over. I just want to crawl into a little, safe hole right now... before this depression gets me first.

This morning I decided to delete everything, and i'm talking everything, that reminded me of him on my desktop with the exception of some really fun games that I liked. All his songs to me, his facebook profile page, everything. If he starts going out with new girl, let him. I'll be majorly upset, but you know what? He only wanted me for my body and therefore he does not deserve to know the real me, or see my tears, or any of it, because that would mean I would show I actually did care about him. I want him to suffer for this, and to do that I have to pretend like I couldn't care less when in his presence. It'll make him never come back, yes, but screw him.

This song describes my mood now, and it's kind of making me feel better:

Mudvayne-Forget To Remember

What have I done?

What have I come from?

When I burnt the backs with the sun through a glass did I seal the loss that's become me?

Feeling undone

What have I become?

When I turned my back on you I turned my back on myself and became this machine

Thoughtlessness

Selfishness

Hopelessness

Arrogant

I feel it on the inside

Twisting and contorting

Memory has shaped me once again

Still feel you on the inside

Biting through and stinging

Will I ever forget to remember?

Shadows in the sun

Filter through us

I still wrestle the demons that arrested me as a child

Confession rejected

We grow up

To give up!

People step on the backs for the cracks of the wounds owed paid back

Through the words of surrender

Emptiness

Loneliness

Listlessness

Worthless

I feel it on the inside

Twisting and contorting

Memory has shaped me once again

Still feel you on the inside

Biting through and stinging

Will I ever forget to remember?

Can you save me

From myself

From these memories?

Can you save me

From myself

From these memories?

Surrender

To the shadows

Haunting inside

Bleed through you

Surrender to the secrets..inside

Lies within you

I feel it on the inside

Twisting and contorting

Memory has shaped me once again

Still feel you on the inside

Biting through and stinging

Will I ever forget to remember?

Can't feel you on the inside

Set down the bag and left it

Lost memory has left me

Once again

Open up the inside

Admission for the cleansing

Now that I've forgotten to remember

Surrender

To the shadows

Haunting inside

Bleed through you

I really want him right now... he's the only thing which made me forget the pain of my old ex. I don't care if it was a fling or a rebound, I just want him back, because without him I'm nothing but a bunch of tears and heartbreak. Old Ex isn't helping either.

I don't know anymore, I need someone to love me. I know it's pathetic and weak of me to say this again and again, but this is why so many people stay in unhappy relationships. You'd rather be unhappy with someone then unhappy and alone, right?

I'm so messed up right now. Nothing's helping, and me telling myself that the relationship just didn't mean anything to me or him isn't helping, because I've somehow managed to take all the love I had for Old Ex and give it to him.

I'm just going to have to ride this out again. Just what I need to ruin my Sunday...

-dedem.

New song. Will probably post how I'm doing later on today.

I'm still really, really sad right now, even though I feel I shouldn't be. I should probably explain why I've been posting song lyrics, and this is why: I feel a lot through music, and certain songs give me certain emotions. By posting the lyrics, I'm letting out the feelings connected to the song.

This song is called Hold On Hope, and it's by Guided by Voices.

This is the song:

Hope somebody is inspired by it...

Every street is

Dark and folding out mysteriously

Well that's the chance we take

To be

Always working

Reaching out for

The hand that we can't see

Everybody's gotta hold on hope

It's the last thing that's holding me

Invitation to the last dance

Then it's time to leave

That's the price we pay

When we deceive one another

Animal mother

She opens up for free

Everybody's gotta hold on hope

It's the last thing that's holding me

Look at the talk box

In mute frustration

At the station

There hides the cowboy

(x2)

His campfire flickering on the landscape

But nothing grows on

But time still goes on

And through each life of misery

Everybody's gotta hold on hope

It's the last thing that's holding me

(x3)

Is This A Road Or A Wall? ](*,)

Ow. Today was...okay, I guess. New ex and I are being nonchalant, or whatever it is you folks call it when making small talk over things like the weather with somebody else. The only times I've spoken to him is when I had at least two friends nearby, and I focused more on them then me.

A friend of his/ours came up to me saying he was sorry we broke up. Then said that New Ex told him the reason was because it wasn't working out. I'm wondering what he meant by that. Is it that I'm annoying? Ugly? Loud? Too different from him in general?

I blew off the friend by telling him that I don't want to hear the full story, that we're friends for the time being and that's how it'll remain. So I guess there's no use in wondering about the question. I still do wonder if he feels as hurt as I do, whether dumpers feel any remorse or pity at all when they end a relationship like that. I know that the only relationship I ended, I ended heartlessly because he both cheated on me and proposed to another girl, right in front of me. I hope it's not the same for every dumper, to just say they're not interested anymore and leave the other person angry and depressed.

I wish I'd dated more in high school, and by date I mean have a relationship that wasn't just a two week fling. But I'm that girl who everyone ignores or doesn't like, so it's to be expected I have the relationship experience of a basement dwelling cockroach. I used to depend on me, but once I got into a decent relationship I started depending on everyone else, and now I'm paying for that.

What happened to the independent girl who doesn't give a frack what everyone thinks? Somehow Old Ex got that in the split, too.

You're Only Interested In Living The College Dream

Yeah, so I started up contact with old ex. And got a quick message two days later saying he's happy to talk for one, count it, one day, then never again. Apparently, he found what he really wanted with friends in college. Don't know what he's doing, assuming it's a bunch of things he used to never want. He's changed, and I'm going to tell him that if we decide to talk again. Shouldn't have risked e-mailing him, it NEVER lasts when a guy you don't see daily tells you he wants to say friends. 99.9% of the time, you end up hating each other, unless it was either a) a very strong relationship or b) a very weak relationship that was more of a friendship in the first place. I'm hoping at least with New Ex, we don't hate each other after awhile.

I do hate what Old Ex has become and I am regretting breaking NC to find he's a party-hard do nothing who's lazier then ever. Yes, I cared for him once, but seriously? If he was always like this, then that's what I fell in love with? That's a bad trap to let your heart into, dedem! I also hate how he made me weak. Oh yes, i'm blaming him for this timid person i'm slowly becoming. No, I'm not any less annoying or loud. But I'm starting to feel for things I usually never cared about, and that just plain bites. Plants are dying? It's world war three, we're all gonna die too. Raining? Pretty! Know-it-all calls you ugly and tells you to never look in a mirror? Waah. Pathetic, but there are just too many issues that are more important than my little personality change.

One more thing before I stop obsessing. God knows what women Old Ex hooked up with since me. And then heartlessly dumped. Gals, if you ever were wronged by an ex of mine, know that you are ALWAYS welcome to come to me.

Friends Are There To Help You

I guess this is true, except I don't have that many close friends. Bestie, Scar, and a few others are the only ones irl who truly get me. At least they cheer me up. M knew how depressed sitting near Old Ex was making me, so she grabs my arm and drags me off to meet her math teacher. E, he's good at being a clown. Scar loves to talk and talks often, D is witty and in control of everyone, H is a ray of literal sunshine, and M and E are two I don't know too well but can get along with, and then there's the rest of the table and people I see daily. I call them the table because the only time I see EVERYONE is at lunch, we always meet up at the same place before splitting off/staying there for lunch. It's like a high school clique table, but it's not a clique so much as a circle of friends.

Oh, and New Ex is part of this. Kinda rough, him being there, but I don't want to cause a rift. I like E, after all, and E usually goes wherever New Ex is going.

Bestie is currently doing what besties do. I'm going to a powwow (literally) on Saturday with her and her sister, and she says I'm going to have a good time if it kills me. Plus, there will be Indian guys/normal guys there, partying like it's still before the colonists arrived. Giant bonfire, lots of food, Indian artifacts and other cool little trinkets, drums beating... should be fun at the least. Her boyfriend is mad (lightheartedly so) because she won't take him. It's supposed to be a girls day out thing, and I would not be surprised if she has an army of guys lined up. That's the thing about my friends. They're pushy and in control, like I am often, and won't take no for an answer unless you're REALLY persistent. Scar is already trying to drag me to a speed dating place. An adamant no thank you on that one.

I hope I don't loose any of them. It's my one concern right now, because if it weren't for my friends I probably wouldn't be here anymore. *ahem* anyhow.

This is a song some may love, some may hate.

Headstrong-Trapt

Circling your head

Contemplating everything you've ever said

Now I see the truth

I got doubt

A different motive in your eyes and now I'm out

See you later

"I see your fantasy

I want to make it a reality paved in gold"

See inside, see inside of our heads yeah

Well now that's over

I see your motives inside

Decisions to hide

F***

Back off, I'll take you on

Headstrong, I'll take on anyone

I know that you are wrong

Headstrong, we're headstrong

Back off, I'll take you on

Headstrong, to take you on

I know that you are wrong

And this is not where you belong

I can't give everything away

I won't give everything away

Conclusions manifest

First impressions got to be your very best

I see you're full of sh**

And that's alright

I guess you'll get through every night

Well now that's over

"I see your fantasy

I want to make it a reality paved in gold"

See inside, see inside of our heads yeah

Well now that's over

I see your motives inside

Decisions to hide

F***

Back off, I'll take you on

Headstrong, I'll take on anyone

I know that you are wrong

Headstrong, we're headstrong

Back off, I'll take you on

Headstrong, to take you on

I know that you are wrong

And this is not where you belong

I can't give everything away

I won't give everything away

I know, I know all about

I know, I know all about

I know, I know all about

I know, I know all about

Your motives inside

And your decisions you hide

F***

Back off, I'll take you on

Headstrong, I'll take on anyone

I know that you are wrong

Headstrong, we're headstrong

Back off, I'll take you on

Headstrong, to take you on

I know that you are wrong

And this is not where you belong

I can't give everything away

I won't give everything away

I'm A Little Doormat, Sit and Stay, Let People Use Me Each And Every Day

Work is piling up. I've got Latin to study/prepare for, calculus equations to finish, English essays due, and three new shipments of plugs (plants) that need to either be potted or be started at work. Not that I'm complaining, I thrive under such situations. As soon as I'm done here and finish my salad, I'll be getting to work.

So here's what I am complaining about. My inability to say no to people who come to me crying irl. If I'm online, it means that yes I have the desire to help people. But in the real world, I need to heal, and I can't do that if I'm forced to suck in my own problems and deal with someone else. And lately, all anyone's been having are problems. It tears my heart out to say no to a person who's crying or upset, but I've had to force myself to say "Sorry, I can't help you" to people. I know I'm the mother hen who never cries on anyone i know personally's shoulder, but sometimes I think i just care too much about people. It's further proof that yes, I am becoming weak. I put my heart into what I do, and then I get hurt, but I keep repeating doing that. I wish I could just take all that concern for humanity, and put it into what I love to do rather than be.

It's another reason to hate Old Ex. He was that kind of guy who cared about the world and everyone in it. Then he taught me to do this, then dumped me, and changed himself to be this guy who doesn't give a * * * * if the ocean's being polluted or if people are being well, people. I wish I never learned to care about anyone but me, but I can't change the past.

I'm moving on from New Ex, but slowly. I dread seeing him, I wish he'd stay away, but at the same time I want him to sit near me and talk to me. This morning he decided to sit at the table which was near to me, but not next to me. He didn't talk much to me, either. Which both pleased and killed me. Yes, I'm not crying at this point, but I'm not happy with just friends either. I'm torn between what I want, and I think that sometimes it'd be easier if he vanished completely from my life. It wouldn't be the first time something of that manner happened. I think I've journaled about the gay boy I fell in love with over the internet way before any of this happened, and how he vanished completely from me, but if not the story was that I managed to somehow meet a guy who was everything I felt I could love, but gay. It was my first love, and first heartbreak, but it's made me realize something now.

I have a habit of doing two things. One, I always seem to base a relationship off lies both big and small rather than truth. This is true for friends as well, with the exception of bestie. Two, if you were to line up all the potential boyfriends for me in the world I would always pick the one that wasn't compatible and never was. I've chosen the shy boy who has issues bubbling underneath. I've gone the opposite and chosen the loud and funny guys who just want to party. I've chosen gay guys and guys who get themselves deliberately in trouble. Not one of those relationships were smart decisions.

But I'm just not happy with a guy who's completely normal or competitive or just plain simple. I like the oddballs, I don't like the guys who can't see past the petty things of life. I love the scrawny boys and the nerdy, the guys who are loud and honest, and especially the mysterious, somewhat dangerous guys with sweet sides to them. Bestie told me basically that those kind of relationships, if not balanced right, are destined to fail. And often the kind of guys I like only like the side of me that's good and quiet, or the side of me that's loud, humorous and bad. Not a single guy other than the gay boy who doesn't count liked both. I've never really known which side is more like me, the side who loves roses and reading and plants or the side who likes to be witty and spontaneous. I like being both, I've never been able to choose. So as of right now no, I don't know who I am except that I am dedem.

Angry music is helping me a lot with getting over him. I won't post any lyrics to those, the swearing and content alone will make some sensible people turn away. I did find this song which stopped me in my tracks. It's about the world, and expresses how I feel about the world.

Disturbed-Another Way To Die

The indulgence of our lives

Has cast a shadow on our world

Our devotion to our appetites

Betrayed us all

An apocalyptic plight

More destruction will unfold

Mother Earth will show her darker side

And take her toll

It's just another way to die

There can be no other reason why

You know, we should of seen it coming

Consequences we cannot deny

Will be revealed in time

Glaciers melt as we pollute the sky

A sign of devastation coming

We don't need another way to die

Can we repent in time?

The time bomb is ticking

And no one is listening

Our future is fading

Is there any hope we'll survive?

Still, we ravage the world that we love

And the millions cry out to be saved

Our endless maniacal appetite

Left us with another way to die

It's just another way to die

Oh, can we repent in time?

Greed and hunger led to our demise

A path I can't believe we followed

Black agendas rooted in a lie

Will we repent in time?

Species fall before our very eyes

A world that they cannot survive in

Left them with another way to die

Are we dead inside?

The time bomb is ticking

And no one is listening

Our future is fading

Is there any hope we'll survive?

Still, we ravage the world that we love

And the millions cry out to be saved

Our endless maniacal appetite

Left us with another way to die

It's just another way to die

Still, we ravage the world that we love

And the millions cry out to be saved

Our endless maniacal appetite

Left us with another way to die

It's just another way to die

Oh, can we repent in time

(x2)

I wish I had the ability to change the world sometimes, I really do. But just like the rest of you, I do what little I can and then just quietly hope for a leader to unite us all. After all, we all are just one person, right? And it's not healthy to think of all the things going wrong in the world, though it puts things in perspective. I may be sad because I got dumped, but just think of all the people in wartime countries who've lost what they loved through no fault of their own, and nothing they could have done about it either.

Another song I want to show you following this post, then I'm gone.

TV Is Good For The Brain

Especially if it's a drama. I've been realizing by watching Scrubs many little life lessons, like how relationships become simple once you look past the drama, and see what truly is in your heart. The reason my recent relationship fell apart was because I was dating him just to have someone, not to be with someone. I have to realize that if I have me, I'm not alone. I need to just not fall into that kind of trap again, because it's not right for me or him. Plus, he was emotionally immature, and we both had fallen hard from relationships that *were* perfect. It truly was a rebound, even if this hurts to say it, he was never into me and I suppose I wasn't into him. I just needed someone to be with. Now, thanks to bestie, myself and another person, I have that. I don't need a boyfriend to be accepted or loved. Now, I just need to work on loving myself for who I am. Once I manage that, I suppose I never will be lonely again.

Another lesson: Even if it breaks your heart to be just friends, if you really care about someone you'll take the hit. I care about my new ex, whether there was love there or not. I do want him to be well, to get over his little insecurities and find the girl who will be everything I couldn't be. If he ever needs me, ever at all, for anything, I will be there for him. I don't know if it's the same for me, because after what happened with Old Ex I highly doubt anyone who dumps me would ever care to be there for me. That being said, that doesn't mean there isn't a man out there for me, someone who will find me attractive and live to make me smile, yet will let me take care of him through good and bad times. I want a guy who's weak yet funny, quiet and yet loud, and just overall a man with a good head on his shoulders. Old Ex was half of that, New Ex was half of that. But the guy I want? He'll be more than Old and New Ex. If I find him, that is. I will be giving up at 40, but until then there's always hope... because if not, I'd of killed myself.

Now, for the song I want to show you. This song goes to no one, but describes my search... and my romantic-ness.

Rammestein-Don't die before I do

Die Nacht öffnet ihren Schoß

(The night opens up her lap)

Das Kind heißt Einsamkeit

(The Child's name is loneliness)

Es ist kalt und regungslos

(It is cold and motionless)

Ich weine leise in die Zeit

(I cry softly into time)

Ich weiß nicht wie du heißt

(I don't know what your name is)

Doch ich weiß dass es dich gibt

(But I know that you exist)

Ich weiß dass irgendwann

(I know that sometime)

irgendwer mich liebt

(Someone will love me)

He comes to me every night

No words are left to say

With his hands around my neck

I close my eyes and pass away

I don't know who he is

In my dreams he does exist

His passion is a kiss

And I can not resist

Ich warte hier

(I wait here)

Don't die before I do

Ich warte hier

(I wait here)

Stirb nicht vor mir

(Don't die before I do)

I don't know who you are

I know that you exist

Stirb nicht

(Don't die)

Sometimes love seems so far

Ich warte hier

(I wait here)

Your love I can't dismiss

Ich warte hier

(I wait here)

Alle Häuser sind verschneit

(All the houses are covered in snow)

Und in den Fenstern Kerzenlicht

(And candlelight in the windows)

Dort liegen sie zu zweit

(They lie there together)

Und ich

(And I)

Ich warte nur auf dich

(I only wait for you)

Ich warte hier

(I wait here)

Don't die before I do

Ich warte hier

(I wait here)

Stirb nicht vor mir

(Don't die before I do)

I don't know who you are

I know that you exist

Stirb nicht

(Don't die)

Sometimes love seems so far

Ich warte hier

(I wait here)

Your love I can't dismiss

Stirb nicht vor mir

(Don't die before I do)

This song brings tears to my eyes, but they're good tears. I know what I'm looking for and what I want most, the only problem is finding it. I can forget exes, breakups and all that, plus the anticipation in thinking that the person I'm with is what I'm looking for, if it would mean finding it.

Ever the hopeful romantic, dedem.