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Thread: 'The wham your head into a wall and run around in circles' journal

  1. #21
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    Sundays Are NOT My Fundays

    I'm depressed again this morning. It seems the memories of Sundays spent with New Ex are coming back to haunt me. I just really want his kiss today, to be hugged, to feel his love like I used to, but never again.

    He dumped me like a ton of bricks, there's no getting him back and I just feel really awful today. It's going to be worse tomorrow, since I also saw him on Mondays and I'm going to see him twice for extended amounts of time... I might as well skip school tomorrow because I just can't deal with this. It's either that he leaves me alone or I slowly but surely start hating him and everyone around him, and I just don't know how I'll be able to confront him alone during class on this. I know he doesn't want to give up his old friends, but I am not the one who ended this relationship therefore I should not be expected to move from our table and away from all of my friends. It may mean I don't see him anymore, but I don't want to be alone.

    Argh. I don't know what to do and I'm on the verge of tears. I hate mornings, I hate Sundays/Mondays, and above all, I hate him for doing this. He left me with no warning at all after spending a day with me and being all happily in love, and I'm pretty sure he left me for someone else like the douche he is.

    I'm also upset because... I don't know. I just feel like everything going wrong lately is my fault. When someone's relationship ends, I feel responsible. When someone gets hurt, I feel like I'm to blame. I don't know why, and it's killing me to think about, and all the other little things that I know i shouldn't be torturing myself over. I just want to crawl into a little, safe hole right now... before this depression gets me first.

    This morning I decided to delete everything, and i'm talking everything, that reminded me of him on my desktop with the exception of some really fun games that I liked. All his songs to me, his facebook profile page, everything. If he starts going out with new girl, let him. I'll be majorly upset, but you know what? He only wanted me for my body and therefore he does not deserve to know the real me, or see my tears, or any of it, because that would mean I would show I actually did care about him. I want him to suffer for this, and to do that I have to pretend like I couldn't care less when in his presence. It'll make him never come back, yes, but screw him.

    This song describes my mood now, and it's kind of making me feel better:

    Mudvayne-Forget To Remember

    What have I done?
    What have I come from?
    When I burnt the backs with the sun through a glass did I seal the loss that's become me?


    Feeling undone
    What have I become?
    When I turned my back on you I turned my back on myself and became this machine

    Thoughtlessness
    Selfishness
    Hopelessness
    Arrogant

    I feel it on the inside
    Twisting and contorting
    Memory has shaped me once again
    Still feel you on the inside
    Biting through and stinging
    Will I ever forget to remember?

    Shadows in the sun
    Filter through us
    I still wrestle the demons that arrested me as a child
    Confession rejected
    We grow up
    To give up!
    People step on the backs for the cracks of the wounds owed paid back
    Through the words of surrender

    Emptiness
    Loneliness
    Listlessness
    Worthless

    I feel it on the inside
    Twisting and contorting
    Memory has shaped me once again
    Still feel you on the inside
    Biting through and stinging
    Will I ever forget to remember?

    Can you save me
    From myself
    From these memories?
    Can you save me
    From myself
    From these memories?

    Surrender
    To the shadows
    Haunting inside
    Bleed through you
    Surrender to the secrets..inside
    Lies within you

    I feel it on the inside
    Twisting and contorting
    Memory has shaped me once again
    Still feel you on the inside
    Biting through and stinging
    Will I ever forget to remember?

    Can't feel you on the inside
    Set down the bag and left it
    Lost memory has left me
    Once again
    Open up the inside
    Admission for the cleansing
    Now that I've forgotten to remember

    Surrender
    To the shadows
    Haunting inside
    Bleed through you

    I really want him right now... he's the only thing which made me forget the pain of my old ex. I don't care if it was a fling or a rebound, I just want him back, because without him I'm nothing but a bunch of tears and heartbreak. Old Ex isn't helping either.

    I don't know anymore, I need someone to love me. I know it's pathetic and weak of me to say this again and again, but this is why so many people stay in unhappy relationships. You'd rather be unhappy with someone then unhappy and alone, right?

    I'm so messed up right now. Nothing's helping, and me telling myself that the relationship just didn't mean anything to me or him isn't helping, because I've somehow managed to take all the love I had for Old Ex and give it to him.

    I'm just going to have to ride this out again. Just what I need to ruin my Sunday...

    -dedem.
    Last edited by dedem; 04-03-2011 at 10:00 AM.

  2. #22
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    New song. Will probably post how I'm doing later on today.

    I'm still really, really sad right now, even though I feel I shouldn't be. I should probably explain why I've been posting song lyrics, and this is why: I feel a lot through music, and certain songs give me certain emotions. By posting the lyrics, I'm letting out the feelings connected to the song.

    This song is called Hold On Hope, and it's by Guided by Voices.
    This is the song:

    Hope somebody is inspired by it...

    Every street is
    Dark and folding out mysteriously
    Well that's the chance we take
    To be
    Always working
    Reaching out for
    The hand that we can't see

    Everybody's gotta hold on hope
    It's the last thing that's holding me

    Invitation to the last dance
    Then it's time to leave
    That's the price we pay
    When we deceive one another
    Animal mother
    She opens up for free

    Everybody's gotta hold on hope
    It's the last thing that's holding me

    Look at the talk box
    In mute frustration
    At the station
    There hides the cowboy
    (x2)
    His campfire flickering on the landscape
    But nothing grows on
    But time still goes on
    And through each life of misery

    Everybody's gotta hold on hope
    It's the last thing that's holding me
    (x3)

  3. #23
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    Is This A Road Or A Wall? ](*,)

    Ow. Today was...okay, I guess. New ex and I are being nonchalant, or whatever it is you folks call it when making small talk over things like the weather with somebody else. The only times I've spoken to him is when I had at least two friends nearby, and I focused more on them then me.

    A friend of his/ours came up to me saying he was sorry we broke up. Then said that New Ex told him the reason was because it wasn't working out. I'm wondering what he meant by that. Is it that I'm annoying? Ugly? Loud? Too different from him in general?

    I blew off the friend by telling him that I don't want to hear the full story, that we're friends for the time being and that's how it'll remain. So I guess there's no use in wondering about the question. I still do wonder if he feels as hurt as I do, whether dumpers feel any remorse or pity at all when they end a relationship like that. I know that the only relationship I ended, I ended heartlessly because he both cheated on me and proposed to another girl, right in front of me. I hope it's not the same for every dumper, to just say they're not interested anymore and leave the other person angry and depressed.

    I wish I'd dated more in high school, and by date I mean have a relationship that wasn't just a two week fling. But I'm that girl who everyone ignores or doesn't like, so it's to be expected I have the relationship experience of a basement dwelling cockroach. I used to depend on me, but once I got into a decent relationship I started depending on everyone else, and now I'm paying for that.

    What happened to the independent girl who doesn't give a frack what everyone thinks? Somehow Old Ex got that in the split, too.

    You're Only Interested In Living The College Dream
    Yeah, so I started up contact with old ex. And got a quick message two days later saying he's happy to talk for one, count it, one day, then never again. Apparently, he found what he really wanted with friends in college. Don't know what he's doing, assuming it's a bunch of things he used to never want. He's changed, and I'm going to tell him that if we decide to talk again. Shouldn't have risked e-mailing him, it NEVER lasts when a guy you don't see daily tells you he wants to say friends. 99.9% of the time, you end up hating each other, unless it was either a) a very strong relationship or b) a very weak relationship that was more of a friendship in the first place. I'm hoping at least with New Ex, we don't hate each other after awhile.

    I do hate what Old Ex has become and I am regretting breaking NC to find he's a party-hard do nothing who's lazier then ever. Yes, I cared for him once, but seriously? If he was always like this, then that's what I fell in love with? That's a bad trap to let your heart into, dedem! I also hate how he made me weak. Oh yes, i'm blaming him for this timid person i'm slowly becoming. No, I'm not any less annoying or loud. But I'm starting to feel for things I usually never cared about, and that just plain bites. Plants are dying? It's world war three, we're all gonna die too. Raining? Pretty! Know-it-all calls you ugly and tells you to never look in a mirror? Waah. Pathetic, but there are just too many issues that are more important than my little personality change.

    One more thing before I stop obsessing. God knows what women Old Ex hooked up with since me. And then heartlessly dumped. Gals, if you ever were wronged by an ex of mine, know that you are ALWAYS welcome to come to me.

    Friends Are There To Help You

    I guess this is true, except I don't have that many close friends. Bestie, Scar, and a few others are the only ones irl who truly get me. At least they cheer me up. M knew how depressed sitting near Old Ex was making me, so she grabs my arm and drags me off to meet her math teacher. E, he's good at being a clown. Scar loves to talk and talks often, D is witty and in control of everyone, H is a ray of literal sunshine, and M and E are two I don't know too well but can get along with, and then there's the rest of the table and people I see daily. I call them the table because the only time I see EVERYONE is at lunch, we always meet up at the same place before splitting off/staying there for lunch. It's like a high school clique table, but it's not a clique so much as a circle of friends.

    Oh, and New Ex is part of this. Kinda rough, him being there, but I don't want to cause a rift. I like E, after all, and E usually goes wherever New Ex is going.

    Bestie is currently doing what besties do. I'm going to a powwow (literally) on Saturday with her and her sister, and she says I'm going to have a good time if it kills me. Plus, there will be Indian guys/normal guys there, partying like it's still before the colonists arrived. Giant bonfire, lots of food, Indian artifacts and other cool little trinkets, drums beating... should be fun at the least. Her boyfriend is mad (lightheartedly so) because she won't take him. It's supposed to be a girls day out thing, and I would not be surprised if she has an army of guys lined up. That's the thing about my friends. They're pushy and in control, like I am often, and won't take no for an answer unless you're REALLY persistent. Scar is already trying to drag me to a speed dating place. An adamant no thank you on that one.

    I hope I don't loose any of them. It's my one concern right now, because if it weren't for my friends I probably wouldn't be here anymore. *ahem* anyhow.

    This is a song some may love, some may hate.

    Headstrong-Trapt

    Circling your head
    Contemplating everything you've ever said
    Now I see the truth
    I got doubt
    A different motive in your eyes and now I'm out
    See you later

    "I see your fantasy
    I want to make it a reality paved in gold"
    See inside, see inside of our heads yeah

    Well now that's over

    I see your motives inside
    Decisions to hide

    F***
    Back off, I'll take you on
    Headstrong, I'll take on anyone
    I know that you are wrong
    Headstrong, we're headstrong
    Back off, I'll take you on
    Headstrong, to take you on
    I know that you are wrong
    And this is not where you belong

    I can't give everything away
    I won't give everything away

    Conclusions manifest
    First impressions got to be your very best
    I see you're full of sh**
    And that's alright
    I guess you'll get through every night
    Well now that's over

    "I see your fantasy
    I want to make it a reality paved in gold"
    See inside, see inside of our heads yeah

    Well now that's over

    I see your motives inside
    Decisions to hide

    F***
    Back off, I'll take you on
    Headstrong, I'll take on anyone
    I know that you are wrong
    Headstrong, we're headstrong
    Back off, I'll take you on
    Headstrong, to take you on
    I know that you are wrong
    And this is not where you belong

    I can't give everything away
    I won't give everything away

    I know, I know all about
    I know, I know all about
    I know, I know all about
    I know, I know all about
    Your motives inside
    And your decisions you hide


    F***
    Back off, I'll take you on
    Headstrong, I'll take on anyone
    I know that you are wrong
    Headstrong, we're headstrong
    Back off, I'll take you on
    Headstrong, to take you on
    I know that you are wrong
    And this is not where you belong

    I can't give everything away
    I won't give everything away
    Last edited by dedem; 04-04-2011 at 04:58 PM.

  4. #24
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    I'm A Little Doormat, Sit and Stay, Let People Use Me Each And Every Day

    Work is piling up. I've got Latin to study/prepare for, calculus equations to finish, English essays due, and three new shipments of plugs (plants) that need to either be potted or be started at work. Not that I'm complaining, I thrive under such situations. As soon as I'm done here and finish my salad, I'll be getting to work.

    So here's what I am complaining about. My inability to say no to people who come to me crying irl. If I'm online, it means that yes I have the desire to help people. But in the real world, I need to heal, and I can't do that if I'm forced to suck in my own problems and deal with someone else. And lately, all anyone's been having are problems. It tears my heart out to say no to a person who's crying or upset, but I've had to force myself to say "Sorry, I can't help you" to people. I know I'm the mother hen who never cries on anyone i know personally's shoulder, but sometimes I think i just care too much about people. It's further proof that yes, I am becoming weak. I put my heart into what I do, and then I get hurt, but I keep repeating doing that. I wish I could just take all that concern for humanity, and put it into what I love to do rather than be.

    It's another reason to hate Old Ex. He was that kind of guy who cared about the world and everyone in it. Then he taught me to do this, then dumped me, and changed himself to be this guy who doesn't give a * * * * if the ocean's being polluted or if people are being well, people. I wish I never learned to care about anyone but me, but I can't change the past.

    I'm moving on from New Ex, but slowly. I dread seeing him, I wish he'd stay away, but at the same time I want him to sit near me and talk to me. This morning he decided to sit at the table which was near to me, but not next to me. He didn't talk much to me, either. Which both pleased and killed me. Yes, I'm not crying at this point, but I'm not happy with just friends either. I'm torn between what I want, and I think that sometimes it'd be easier if he vanished completely from my life. It wouldn't be the first time something of that manner happened. I think I've journaled about the gay boy I fell in love with over the internet way before any of this happened, and how he vanished completely from me, but if not the story was that I managed to somehow meet a guy who was everything I felt I could love, but gay. It was my first love, and first heartbreak, but it's made me realize something now.

    I have a habit of doing two things. One, I always seem to base a relationship off lies both big and small rather than truth. This is true for friends as well, with the exception of bestie. Two, if you were to line up all the potential boyfriends for me in the world I would always pick the one that wasn't compatible and never was. I've chosen the shy boy who has issues bubbling underneath. I've gone the opposite and chosen the loud and funny guys who just want to party. I've chosen gay guys and guys who get themselves deliberately in trouble. Not one of those relationships were smart decisions.

    But I'm just not happy with a guy who's completely normal or competitive or just plain simple. I like the oddballs, I don't like the guys who can't see past the petty things of life. I love the scrawny boys and the nerdy, the guys who are loud and honest, and especially the mysterious, somewhat dangerous guys with sweet sides to them. Bestie told me basically that those kind of relationships, if not balanced right, are destined to fail. And often the kind of guys I like only like the side of me that's good and quiet, or the side of me that's loud, humorous and bad. Not a single guy other than the gay boy who doesn't count liked both. I've never really known which side is more like me, the side who loves roses and reading and plants or the side who likes to be witty and spontaneous. I like being both, I've never been able to choose. So as of right now no, I don't know who I am except that I am dedem.

    Angry music is helping me a lot with getting over him. I won't post any lyrics to those, the swearing and content alone will make some sensible people turn away. I did find this song which stopped me in my tracks. It's about the world, and expresses how I feel about the world.

    Disturbed-Another Way To Die

    The indulgence of our lives
    Has cast a shadow on our world
    Our devotion to our appetites
    Betrayed us all

    An apocalyptic plight
    More destruction will unfold
    Mother Earth will show her darker side
    And take her toll

    It's just another way to die
    There can be no other reason why
    You know, we should of seen it coming
    Consequences we cannot deny
    Will be revealed in time

    Glaciers melt as we pollute the sky
    A sign of devastation coming
    We don't need another way to die
    Can we repent in time?

    The time bomb is ticking
    And no one is listening
    Our future is fading
    Is there any hope we'll survive?

    Still, we ravage the world that we love
    And the millions cry out to be saved
    Our endless maniacal appetite
    Left us with another way to die

    It's just another way to die
    Oh, can we repent in time?

    Greed and hunger led to our demise
    A path I can't believe we followed
    Black agendas rooted in a lie
    Will we repent in time?

    Species fall before our very eyes
    A world that they cannot survive in
    Left them with another way to die
    Are we dead inside?

    The time bomb is ticking
    And no one is listening
    Our future is fading
    Is there any hope we'll survive?

    Still, we ravage the world that we love
    And the millions cry out to be saved
    Our endless maniacal appetite
    Left us with another way to die

    It's just another way to die

    Still, we ravage the world that we love
    And the millions cry out to be saved
    Our endless maniacal appetite
    Left us with another way to die

    It's just another way to die
    Oh, can we repent in time
    (x2)

    I wish I had the ability to change the world sometimes, I really do. But just like the rest of you, I do what little I can and then just quietly hope for a leader to unite us all. After all, we all are just one person, right? And it's not healthy to think of all the things going wrong in the world, though it puts things in perspective. I may be sad because I got dumped, but just think of all the people in wartime countries who've lost what they loved through no fault of their own, and nothing they could have done about it either.

    Another song I want to show you following this post, then I'm gone.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    TV Is Good For The Brain

    Especially if it's a drama. I've been realizing by watching Scrubs many little life lessons, like how relationships become simple once you look past the drama, and see what truly is in your heart. The reason my recent relationship fell apart was because I was dating him just to have someone, not to be with someone. I have to realize that if I have me, I'm not alone. I need to just not fall into that kind of trap again, because it's not right for me or him. Plus, he was emotionally immature, and we both had fallen hard from relationships that *were* perfect. It truly was a rebound, even if this hurts to say it, he was never into me and I suppose I wasn't into him. I just needed someone to be with. Now, thanks to bestie, myself and another person, I have that. I don't need a boyfriend to be accepted or loved. Now, I just need to work on loving myself for who I am. Once I manage that, I suppose I never will be lonely again.

    Another lesson: Even if it breaks your heart to be just friends, if you really care about someone you'll take the hit. I care about my new ex, whether there was love there or not. I do want him to be well, to get over his little insecurities and find the girl who will be everything I couldn't be. If he ever needs me, ever at all, for anything, I will be there for him. I don't know if it's the same for me, because after what happened with Old Ex I highly doubt anyone who dumps me would ever care to be there for me. That being said, that doesn't mean there isn't a man out there for me, someone who will find me attractive and live to make me smile, yet will let me take care of him through good and bad times. I want a guy who's weak yet funny, quiet and yet loud, and just overall a man with a good head on his shoulders. Old Ex was half of that, New Ex was half of that. But the guy I want? He'll be more than Old and New Ex. If I find him, that is. I will be giving up at 40, but until then there's always hope... because if not, I'd of killed myself.

    Now, for the song I want to show you. This song goes to no one, but describes my search... and my romantic-ness.

    Rammestein-Don't die before I do

    Die Nacht öffnet ihren Schoß
    (The night opens up her lap)
    Das Kind heißt Einsamkeit

    (The Child's name is loneliness)
    Es ist kalt und regungslos

    (It is cold and motionless)
    Ich weine leise in die Zeit

    (I cry softly into time)

    Ich weiß nicht wie du heißt
    (I don't know what your name is)

    Doch ich weiß dass es dich gibt
    (But I know that you exist)

    Ich weiß dass irgendwann
    (I know that sometime)

    irgendwer mich liebt
    (Someone will love me)

    He comes to me every night
    No words are left to say
    With his hands around my neck
    I close my eyes and pass away

    I don't know who he is
    In my dreams he does exist
    His passion is a kiss
    And I can not resist


    Ich warte hier
    (I wait here)
    Don't die before I do
    Ich warte hier

    (I wait here)

    Stirb nicht vor mir
    (Don't die before I do)

    I don't know who you are
    I know that you exist
    Stirb nicht

    (Don't die)

    Sometimes love seems so far
    Ich warte hier

    (I wait here)

    Your love I can't dismiss
    Ich warte hier

    (I wait here)

    Alle Häuser sind verschneit
    (All the houses are covered in snow)

    Und in den Fenstern Kerzenlicht
    (And candlelight in the windows)

    Dort liegen sie zu zweit
    (They lie there together)

    Und ich
    (And I)

    Ich warte nur auf dich
    (I only wait for you)

    Ich warte hier
    (I wait here)

    Don't die before I do
    Ich warte hier

    (I wait here)

    Stirb nicht vor mir
    (Don't die before I do)

    I don't know who you are
    I know that you exist
    Stirb nicht

    (Don't die)

    Sometimes love seems so far
    Ich warte hier

    (I wait here)

    Your love I can't dismiss
    Stirb nicht vor mir
    (Don't die before I do)


    This song brings tears to my eyes, but they're good tears. I know what I'm looking for and what I want most, the only problem is finding it. I can forget exes, breakups and all that, plus the anticipation in thinking that the person I'm with is what I'm looking for, if it would mean finding it.



    Ever the hopeful romantic, dedem.

  7. #26
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    I Want Him Out Of My Life

    For all you doing NC, if you go past a couple months, just spare yourself the trouble and keep doing it well past recovery, unless you're sure you know the person. It'll only open old wounds if it turns out your ex was not who you thought he was. Even if your ex is the one who contacts you first, don't respond unless you know what you're getting into. I'm regretting breaking NC as I type this, and I want Old Ex gone from my life. I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

    I'm debating whether to just switch on the strong tough girl mode and tell him to f-off instead of seeing me tomorrow, or to be nice and let him talk just to 'catch up' before saying goodbye forever. Part of me knows i'm not strong enough to tell him off, but part of me hates the sight of him and really wants to cut him off from my life. His emails aren't helping me, they're only reinforcing the hurt and anger I felt towards him... and thought I lost. He wants to go back to meebo, our old aim haunting grounds, which I've both blocked and deleted him from. I don't want to re-add him only to delete him, and I don't feel like getting internet responses from him which I know I can easily use to fight. I gave him a firm no and told him that if we talk, it will be in person tomorrow. And I'm turning the protective shell on, if anything just to prevent myself from further ripping out the stitches I laid in place.

    I'm really angry at myself as well, for not being 100% over him when I thought I was and contacting him at a vulnerable time. I thought he'd be my friend, or at least try and be there, but he's changed so much that the only way he really wants to be there is over the internet. I was in no way trying to rekindle an old spark, I'm done with that and men in general for awhile. I was looking for a friend who would not tell everyone my secrets. Nothing more, nothing less. Instead I got an emotionally insecure frat boy who keeps insinuating that I want to get back together (though he masks it well, I can tell by his responses). He knows he's gonna have to see me or stand me up, so he's probably going to go the 'run off' route. Fine, he can stand me up. He's the one who asked to see me in the first place and I very well could have kept ignoring him for all time.

    If I scare the living daylights out of him like his behavior shows, then good. There's a good chance that if he shows up and says the wrong thing, he gets a kick to the crotch and a "f-you now leave me alone." It's taken a lot out of me to realize that the reason I'm hurting over New Ex's break up is because of my not being over him. Now that I'm aware this pain is STILL him, I want him to be just gone. It's hard to stomach that he's changed, and so I'm back to being sick again, plus a number of problems.

    I think that I didn't see New Ex in New Ex. Because of that yes, the relationship failed. I saw Old Ex, from the way New Ex loved building to his passive-aggressive approach towards life, and somehow fell for him when I really should have kept my distance until I was ready to ask him out. I also should have told M not to tell him until I've finished getting over Old Ex, or told her that we will get to know each other before going into a relationship. But no, I was still wounded from Old Ex and didn't see it coming. Well this old gal has learned her lesson, if you want to rebound then either don't get connected or know the person well first.

    I really don't know what I should do. This is killing me to think about, because yes, I want to talk to him just once more. But I also know that if I do it's gonna be a whole bunch more pain and agony, and I just can't have that. I can't trust a single man, and it's all because I was stupid enough to fall for someone who barely even knew what love was. I want a boyfriend who I can trust, and no amount of positive attitude is going to change those around me. As I've said, I have a bad habit of falling for the bad fits. It's now 3 relationships that ended with no warning, no attempt at trying to make things work, no talking things over. Just a random message or phone call one day telling me that things aren't working out and that we should split.

    I see on TV, even in Eliot Reid's similar-to-mine relationships, that the guy first TALKS to the girl or vise versa. If something isn't right, s/he sits the other down and tells them about it, tells them there's a side they aren't seeing, or a lack in communication, or just some little flaw that can be sewn. There's never any just up and go unless the guy/girl has a good reason (usually cheating). My past relationships, with the exception of that horrid Old Ex, all ended with no real good reason, just the guy making excuses.

    I've never even broken up with a guy who didn't cheat on me. Never, not once, because I don't have the stones. I hate my life right now, and I hate what I have to do in order to get momentary happiness. I hate my body, I hate my face, and I hate everything. Yes, this is a rage fest, because I just don't know what to feel right now and every time I get that stupid little "ding" alerting me to an email my heart dies a little more. I want to cut him off, but I don't want to. I wish I could tell him this, but he'd only resent me more and I'd only end up hating him more. I'm able to forgive and forget only if my exes leave me alone, but I severely underestimated how much attachment I had to my Old Ex and all those lies. I spent 4 years building that personality and getting a guy like him, but it wasn't me. I'm not just a sweet, sensitive quiet college girl, and I will be loud and out there when I feel like it. 4 years building that side of me, and now I can't get rid of it. I love the side, but I can't be basing every single relationship i have on lies, but there's not a single guy out there who gets that I am two people. That probably sounded insane, I don't really care because to me, it's true. I have the two personalities that I love, but no way of incorporating them into each other. So it's like separate people, but what kind of guy is going to think of me as anything more than a psychopath were I to disclose everything about me? I just want the lies to end so I can have a normal relationship someday.

    Dedem is in more trouble then she bargained for. Letting all her crazy out here is having mixed results. I'll let you know how it all goes tomorrow.

  8. #27
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    It's All Good In The Hood

    For now. It's a lovely day, sunny and lukewarm, with no bugs. Perfect weather for gardening. I'm seeing my old ex tonight, but if he sends me an e-mail today and I stress over it, I'm forcing myself to go out. That's the thing about plants, they can't hurt you unless you're not careful. They're calming, too.

    Here's a couple pictures of my babies that i'm going to be planting in a month. -fails at adding images-




    So far I've got so many plants, I can't even remember how many. Those right there are just the basics-impatiens, parsley, assorted coleuses, petunias, and my personal favorite (and triumpth) little tiny baby dianthuses. I've got plants everywhere right now, some full grown, some bulbs I'm starting... I just love plants in general and so does my mother.

    Anyhow, I'm feeling better today. Not a lot, but better. I did see New Ex today. I did get all flustered. I stopped myself and then ignored him the rest of lunch hour. His sister annoys me, and I've just realized that. She talks way too much... and to everyone but me, it's like she's best friends with her brother, which is weird. But whatever, not my life anymore.

    I really need to go outside and just forget my worries. I never loved New Ex, and since I've realized that I'm feeling better by the day. Tonight however I may not feel so good.

    Will post updates later. For now, song time.

    I will give you the link to this song since it's so well, peaceful. This is my mood whenever I'm with plants, a calm sort of peace which can only be found when you let the world go.

    Godsmack-Serenity


    As I sit here
    And slowly close my eyes
    I take another deep breath
    And feel the wind pass through my body

    I'm the one in your soul
    Reflecting inner light
    Protect the ones who hold you
    Cradling your energy

    I need serenity
    In a place where I can hide
    I need serenity
    Nothing changes, days go by

    Where do we go when we just don't know
    And how do we relight the flame when it's cold?
    Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
    And when will we learn to control?

    Tragic visions
    Slowly stole my life
    Tore away everything
    Cheating me out of my time

    I'm the one who loves you
    No matter wrong or right
    And every day I hold you
    I hold you with my energy

    I need serenity
    In a place where I can hide
    I need serenity
    Nothing changes, days go by

    Where do we go when we just don't know
    And how do we relight the flame when it's cold
    Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
    And when will we learn to control?
    (x2)

    I need serenity
    Where do we go when we just don't know
    I need serenity
    And how do we relight the flame when it's cold
    I need serenity
    Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing?
    I need serenity
    And when will we learn to control?

    This is a more calm dedem, signing out.

  9. #28
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    Never, EVER, Again

    Old Ex can go pee up a rope. That was the most horrible hour and a half of my life. And now he wants to forget all about me and pretend we never were because he was ashamed to be with me. I try to get a decent conversation going, he moves it straight on to my relationship and my issues. I say I want to start up a few flings this spring break, he tells me it's not a good idea and that I shouldn't be trying to get guys anyway, since I'm 'beyond the age' of a successful relationship. Then he cops out and says no more, not even a once in awhile keep in touch until we stop altogether. No desire to be friends, at all.

    F*** him. I hope he's depressed now, I left him abruptly at the door with a "I'd say it was swell, but we both know that's not true. Goodbye." I will not stand there and be treated like that. He wanted to see me only to make things worse on me by telling me we can't even have a once in like, a year talk. Too busy with friends, school, ect. to make time to the girl who he coerced pictures out of, pictures I'm not proud of and never will be. I cried for one long month over him, forced myself to stay away.. and now am being treated like a dog. I hate him. I didn't want it to come to that, but if you don't even have the common decency to remain friends after YOU asked to remain friends then you do not deserve my affection. Be straight with me, or go away, but don't play me.

    What I can't believe is that he contacted me... just to do that. I responded, so I'm just as at fault, but it's just a little unfair. Why oh why am I not over him... he's a douche and a horrible person now.

    Never again will I repeat this mistake: do NOT break NC unless you're sure of your ex. Lesson learned, chapter closed, not a single tear shed. Yet.

    The song I want to show you is so violent I doubt I'll be able to post it without getting in trouble. I'm so angry at him... so angry at men in general. Most of you at some time have done something to some girl, all of you are guilty of it. Even if it's just sitting her down and breaking her heart. How am I one of the few people who actually is straight in a relationship? I've never, not once cheated. I've always been straight with a guy, and always have been the one to ask. I can't say it's the same for any of the guys I've dated before. Either they cheat, lie, or simply just aren't clear with what they want. And leave either me or some other girl heartbroken and very, very wrathful.

    I hope he got that I hate him. I didn't flat out and say it, I'm too nice for that. But I hinted, and I didn't look at him the entire time. No touching, either, not even a hug. I managed to shut myself down from him and his poison. Now that he's gone for good, I should just be relieved. But I'm not.

    Which just goes to show, I'm weak. I don't have the courage to tell anyone how I really feel if I'm face to face with them. If he was online, sure. I'd be able to put up a brick wall, slam him with insults, and leave him with confidence. But he had me so hooked when I was with him, so wrapped around his finger, that the moment I see him all that hate still goes straight to goop (with a k, it's a swear? What?) . Oh well. He e-mails me or comes calling again, and I'm not going to hang back. This is my life now. I will live it without him, without anyone but me. It's a lonely life, but that's what I'm destined for.

    I told you guys of the motherly personality, right now she's my only comfort, besides my best friend who isn't online. Where is a bag of chocolates when you need them...

    Here's today's third choice, since second choice is too violent/filled with swears.

    Apocolyptica- I don't care

    I try to make it through this life
    In my way there's you
    I try to make through these lies
    And that's all I do

    Just don't deny it
    Don't try to fight this
    Deal with it
    That's just part of it

    If you were dead or still alive
    I don't care
    I don't care
    Just go and leave this all behind
    'Cos I swear
    I don't care

    Try to make you see my side
    I always try to stay in line
    But your eyes see right through
    That's all they do

    I'm getting buried in this place
    There's no room
    You're in my space
    Don't say anything just go away

    If you were dead or still alive
    I don't care
    I don't care
    Just go and leave this all behind
    Cos I swear
    I don't care

    I'm changing everything
    Because you won't be there for me
    I'm changing everything
    Because you won't be there for me

    If you were dead or still alive
    I don't care
    I don't care
    Just go and leave this all behind
    Cos I swear
    I swear
    I don't care
    (x3)

    At all...

    I want to get my anger out... I really do... I just hope the next person I come accross irl is not important/doesn't matter, because I've seriously reached my breaking point. I go one step forward in life, but then fall three steps back. I'm debating being on medication again, if anything just to lessen the pain... there's only so much company I can give myself.

    If only I knew whether he was upset or not. Upset, fine, mission accomplished now let me die. Not upset? Then he's an arse, and I'm a fool for ever falling for his tricks. He never really cared about me, and now he's saying he just wants to forget about the relationship. Then barely managed to squeeze in a 'not you, just the relationship.'

    It's the same dang thing. You forget about the time we had together, you forget about me. I hope you die. I hope you get hit by a bus for doing this. Or better yet... just be miserable. Because I sure am, and this is a wound that hasn't healed. I f***ed up that last relationship because I wasn't over you. I almost f***ed my life up because of you. For it, I at least deserve some form of apology, but you are such a shameless bastard that you show up all wannabe cool and then rub salt in the wounds. Is this fun to you? You won't get tears. You won't get anything but my f-you, f-off and here's a crotch kick that you've been deserving all your life, you gigantic arrogant arse! Pretend like you care. Pretend like you gave a s***. That's fine, because I SURE AS F*** DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

    Never again. Never ever f***ing again.

    /rant that I've been dying to tell him but can't. Goodnight all, I'll post if I'm not too depressed tomorrow... maybe.

    -dedem

  10. #29
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    Honestly, All Us Girls Seem To Do Is Gossip

    IRL friends, don't speak to me about New Ex any further. I don't want to know what he's doing, I don't want to know what he's saying, I don't even want to know what he's wearing.

    M came up to me today and told me that New Ex has found someone new. Good, they can both go to Heck together. Maybe meet Satan and get commemorative T-shirts. It's painful to me to know he's with someone new so fast when he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, but why am I surprised? He's a man, and men lie to women. It's just the way life is. I'm fairly certain he didn't want me to cry and then get angry at him, so lying's the next best thing.

    It's her problem now, whether he keeps her or dumps her. I'm starting to forget his home, his family, everything about him, because I still know in my heart that what I felt for him was no more real then what people feel for inanimate objects. I saw the warning signs. And in the end, he wasn't there for me.

    My definition of friend, maybe even partner, is the one who is always there for you when you need him/her without you having to ask. I had to ask him for just about anything I needed. He was never there at the end of the day, ready to rub my shoulders and tell me that even though life is hard, it'll be okay. I was the one being there for him, which just isn't right if he didn't return the favor.

    I think I will be able to determine who 'the one' is based on much of that up there. The one is the guy who hugs you and holds your hand without you asking or hugging/touching him first. The one is the guy who stops and listens to your issues. He's the guy who doesn't force things, doesn't try to get into your pants quickly, and doesn't be kind to you just because he wants to be in a relationship. And sometimes, he's the guy who's right under your nose. But for me, I just have to keep looking, and have to keep going, because one day there will be a guy like that who will surprise me out of the blue.

    I sometimes wish I was in a different country and of a different ethnicity. In some Latino cultures, for example, the guy tries his hardest to woo the girl he wants. Love letters, love songs, anything he can think of to try and convince the girl he's a suitable match. In some parts of Japan/China, the parents set up dates and introduce their girl to dozens of guys hoping to find them a love interest. Even the French have ways of courting.

    But us Americans? 50% of the time, the guy takes her to a second rate restaurant and a boring, unfunny comedy movie at a drive through, or some party where they all try to get her drunk. Then uses her as a means of competing against other guys. If she isn't suitable, out the door with her and onto a prettier looking gal.

    I know this isn't true in many cases, but in high school/college, that's the norm. It is nearly impossible to find a guy who won't do that, and even then the guys who seem nice often are just wishing they could be like the obnoxious ones.

    I don't see how some people find love so early, but then again American divorce rates are really high. It's this rush we feel to find a mate when really, we're lucky because we don't have guys being thrown at us by crotchety old parents who want offspring. So what is this rush? I'm 19, not sure about children, not sure about marriage, and not really wanting to decide right now. Half the girls from my old town are already married, some of them not married, and most of them pregnant by my age. Some didn't even finish high school because of their urge to breed/find love.

    What's wrong with me, or wrong with them, that I somehow manage to still be a virgin and still be looking for love? Am I just part of the 20% who are alone forever, and this is how we all think? Or are they so set on being what society/their hormones tells them to be that they completely screwed their life over for a little love?

    I don't know. The world is weird. Just hoping it won't take me down with it when it finally collapses.

    My song today is one that uplifts my spirits, because it makes me think of all my friends. Don't ask how.

    Here's a link, if you want to listen to it:

    It starts slow, but then gets fast.

    I'm not the same as yesterday
    Ooooh
    It's hard to explain how things have changed
    But I'm not the same as before

    I know there's so much more ahead
    I can barely believe that I'm here
    We won't surrender quietly
    Step up and watch me

    Break down
    You really want it?
    Wanna make a scene
    Show me what you mean
    Let's get it started
    Let me see what you got, can you pick it up a notch?
    Don't think you got it
    Can't handle the pressure at all
    Stop talking about it
    Time to make this count
    Let's go

    When we move we camouflage ourselves
    We stand in the shadows waiting
    We live, for this and nothing more
    We are what you created

    I can feel the storm winds have changed
    Ooooh
    'Cos we're worlds apart, but just the same
    But we won't leave the way that we came

    I know there's so much more ahead
    I can barely believe that I'm here
    We won't surrender quietly
    Step up and watch me

    Break down
    You really want it?
    Wanna make a scene
    Show me what you mean
    Let's get it started
    Let me see what you got, can you pick it up a notch?
    Don't think you got it
    Can't handle the pressure at all
    Stop talking about it
    Time to make this count
    Let's go

    When we move we camouflage ourselves
    We stand in the shadows waiting
    We live, for this and nothing more
    We are what you created

    Are you ready, are you ready, are you ready for me?
    Are you ready, are you ready, are you ready
    To sing?

    When we move we camouflage ourselves
    We stand in the shadows waiting
    We live, for this and nothing more
    We are what you created
    (x3)

    Something about that song gets my blood fired up and my head set on happier times in the future. I should make a music video to it.

    Tomorrow is the day I recite Marcus Antony's speech. Gotta study for that.

    All you stay strong. -dedem

  11. #30
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    Love Is Like A Butterfly, Hold It Too Tight, You Crush It.

    Too loose, and it flies away. I don't know how to hold onto my love.

    Old Ex-Too tight, I wasn't giving him enough freedom. New Ex-too loose, too caught up in old feelings to really make an effort. Neither one worked. I need to be neither possessive nor too unconcerned with those I love, I know I have a shield up right now, but it's a wise word for the future me.

    I wish I knew how other couples do it. I watch daily the real loves unfolding, I see how they just let things be. If the boy screws up, there is no long term grudge. If the girl screws up, no fuss there either. Just forgiveness, and yet plenty of trust to mend whatever's broken. I hate being so emotionally uneducated, it's not as simple as just going with it for me. Plus I have so many paranoias now that it'll make for some serious problems down the line...

    I'm mostly worried about guys feeding me lines in an attempt to get me. Every guy I've ever been in some form of relationship with, be it friendship or love, told me I'm an amazing, strong woman who's got her life together. Part of me acknowledges this is at least half true. But the part of me I listen too far more often then I should tells me that it's all just lines said to make me happy, lines said to get me.

    When I mentioned this to Old Ex, he vehemently denied it. Does this mean guilt? I don't know. I'm over-analyzing and letting my emotions slowly drive me insane again. I just can't accept the possibility of idle coincidences in my relationships for some reason. Either it's my fault, or its theirs.

    I want to expand my horizon to include guys I ordinarily wouldn't even try to get to know, the nerdy sort of funny guys mostly. The only kind of guy I won't consider are the full-on clear as day jerks, because those relationships last all of one week. I figure the reason I'm getting the same results over and over is because I go for the same general type of guy and that just never ends well.

    -sigh- Emotions keep changing. Hello hormones. I think I need a long bath, to heal my shot nerves.

    So long, I won't be posting another song until tomorrow.

    -dedem

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