Would you be comfortable?

Happy New Year everyone!

Me and my husband separated in the summer of 2008. We were married for 3 years, and he had an affair for the last year and a half.

Him and the girl he was cheating with are getting married this month. Now, he wants our almost 5 year old daughter to be the flower girl.

I want to stress that I'm in no way resentful, bitter, jealous etc. I made peace with what has happened and wish them all the happiness in the world. He is the father of my child and there's nothing in the world I want more than for her to grow up in a happy, healthy environment.

But still.... I'm a little uncomfortable with the idea of her being the flower girl. I don't know why.... I just am.

I won't be at the wedding so the thought of her being there alone...I'm just nervous about it and don't really want her to be paraded about without me there to look after her. Plus, I kinda don't think it's appropriate.

Am I crazy for feeling like this? How would you feel?

I mean...I know she needs to be at her father's wedding, he deserves to have her there. But I was thinking that she'd be there with her grandparents (his parents) and her aunt and then I'll pick her up from the reception at the appropriate time.

I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable about the situation, to be honest I would probably feel the same way.

Yes, it is his daughter. However, he was cheating on you throughout half of your marriage, it would be a little awkward for him to request that and expect you to be ok with the situation.

This guy clearly lacks a moral compass. He sounds very selfish. Yes, she is his daughter..but it is totally classless to request that his daughter be the flower girl for his wedding to the woman who was his mistress for a year and a half. I bet if his daughter was 15 instead of 5, she would be old enough to be morally outraged to be asked to do this knowing what he did to her mother. Yes, I can fully understand your discomfort. It is a very inappropriate and selfish request. It is basically getting his 5 year old daughter to sanction a wedding which came about because he cheated on her mother.

Who is going to be in charge of keeping a close eye on her during the wedding? the grandparents?

i totally understand you - i would feel very uncomfortable as well - then again, you don't have a real concrete reason why she shouldn't be the flower girl.... apart from the fact that this was the woman who tore apart her parents' marriage. ick.

I don't know what to tell you. It sort of sounds like you have to allow it, as long as someone you trust will be watching her (dad will be too busy that day to chase after a 3 year old).

Thank you! Good to hear I'm not just crazy.

Thats the thing... he obviously won't be able to look after her properly all the time. I thought she'd be with grandparents and aunt... which are the people I trust with her. I don't want her hanging with the bridesmaids or the bride's family. I don't know the people well enough to trust them with my child!

While I understand your feelings this is not about you and your ex - this is about him and his daughter and those relationships need to be kept separate. Assuming he is a good father and responsible it is really his decision if he wants her to be a flower girl and isn't something you should try to veto. At some point you may get married again and I suspect you would be upset if your ex tried to veto your daughter being a bridesmaid or tried to tell you that he didn't like who was looking after her. People may say that this is different because this is a woman with whom he had an affair - but that concerns you not your daughter.

Unless you have good reason to believe your daughter may be in real danger then I don't think you have a say.

I disagree with some of these responses. In the grand scheme of things, you won't always be there to make sure he's "paying proper attention" and the bride's family will be her step-family. While it's in poor taste and it would hurt me on that level, I think making the assumption that she'll be unsafe is a little unfair. My parents got divorced when I was young and if my mom had said I couldn't be with my dad anytime there was someone SHE didn't know or trust around, we would never have seen him again and that would be unfair. He is an adult and is going to be responsible for her care and well-being often for the next several years. If you don't trust him at all, that's a separate issue but I'm guessing you're not as over the cheating as you say you are (which I don't blame you for and wouldn't be either myself, but that's between you and him and has nothing to do with your daughter).

In summary, I think the real issue is you find this in poor taste and don't want her participating in that wedding. So just be honest about that and don't disguise it with "she's going to be unsafe". I would be really hurt if my ex didn't trust me with OUR child and framed it as "I don't know your (new partner) well enough to trust them with MY child"....ummm...it's my child too!! And not only that but it really means you don't trust HIM to make wise and safe choices and if that's actually true you're going to have a long road ahead of you as you share custody or share visitations or whatever.

Bottom line....be honest about why this is an issue for you and if it is that he's untrustworthy in general and unsafe in general, then address that separately from his wedding day.

If it were really about the "unsafe" issue, you wouldn't have mentioned their history because it's irrelevant to her safety. If you had posted "my ex is getting remarried and I don't want my daughter in their wedding because I don't think people will be watching her and I don't trust the bride and her friends/family", then I think you would have gotten VERY different reactions than what you're hearing because it's not your place to monitor what events she can and can't attend with her own father. Again, if my mom had done that, we'd have rarely seen our father and I would've resented that when I was old enough to understand.

While I understand your feelings this is not about you and your ex - this is about him and his daughter and those relationships need to be kept separate. Assuming he is a good father and responsible it is really his decision if he wants her to be a flower girl and isn't something you should try to veto. At some point you may get married again and I suspect you would be upset if your ex tried to veto your daughter being a bridesmaid or tried to tell you that he didn't like who was looking after her. People may say that this is different because this is a woman with whom he had an affair - but that concerns you not your daughter.

 

Unless you have good reason to believe your daughter may be in real danger then I don't think you have a say.

This is much shorter and much more eloquent than my reply. EXACTLY my point (I'm just more long-winded!!)

I do find it poor taste, i even said so. I find it inappropriate and I have a very uneasy feeling about it.

But, her safety is also am issue for me. I trust him. I trust his family and would want her there with them. But as a flower girl, I don't want her among the bride's wedding party because those are all people I don't know/don't know well enough. Her bridesmaids are all young girls (the bride herself is 24), just out of college/grad school students, all childless and don't know Alexis enough to keep a proper eye on her.

Of course she should be at her father's wedding. I'd just prefer for her to be in her seat with her grandparent around her and for me to pick her up when it's the appropriate time.

I agree with DN and Savignon.

You yourself will more than likely enter into marriage again in the future. How would it make you feel if you wanted your daughter to be the flower girl and your ex said it made you uncomfortable? I"m more than sure you would be dissapointed because she IS your daughter, you have a right to want her in your wedding just as he does. Even if he is marrying the woman he had an affair with, if you truly are over the affair and bitterness, it shouldn't matter. At the end of the day, she WILL become your daughte'rs stepmother. Nothing you can do about that.

The only time I would worry about this siutation is the whole who will keep an eye on her. Def. ask your ex this, make sure someone reliable will be watching out for her while he's enjoying the wedding ceremony/reception.

Can you ask your ex-husband if you can appoint a certain family member (his aunt or grandmother?) to keep an eye on the child at all times? I doubt she will be in serious danger with the brides' family. even if they are young, i am sure that several have younger brothers or sisters or nieces and nephews. but still, i would have one adult 'be in charge' so that people aren't like, 'i thought she was with you....' and 'i thought she was with YOU!!'

PS- you can give this relative a bag of items for your daughter, including a change of clothes or some toys.

I do find it poor taste, i even said so. I find it inappropriate and I have a very uneasy feeling about it.

 

But, her safety is also am issue for me. I trust him. I trust his family and would want her there with them. But as a flower girl, I don't want her among the bride's wedding party because those are all people I don't know/don't know well enough. Her bridesmaids are all young girls (the bride herself is 24), just out of college/grad school students, all childless and don't know Alexis enough to keep a proper eye on her.

 

Of course she should be at her father's wedding. I'd just prefer for her to be in her seat with her grandparent around her and for me to pick her up when it's the appropriate time.

I don't think you are over their relationship as much as you say you are then.

What is poor taste and inappropriate with a father wanting his child to be in his wedding? There is no were wrtten in stone she has to stand on the bride's side, you could tell your ex how this makes you feel and at least request she a) stand next to him on his side or b) after walking down the aisle, go and sit with her grandparents.

I do find it poor taste, i even said so. I find it inappropriate and I have a very uneasy feeling about it.

 

But, her safety is also am issue for me. I trust him. I trust his family and would want her there with them. But as a flower girl, I don't want her among the bride's wedding party because those are all people I don't know/don't know well enough. Her bridesmaids are all young girls (the bride herself is 24), just out of college/grad school students, all childless and don't know Alexis enough to keep a proper eye on her.

 

Of course she should be at her father's wedding. I'd just prefer for her to be in her seat with her grandparent around her and for me to pick her up when it's the appropriate time.

And I think if you trust him you should trust he'll make sure she's safe. I think you just don't want her there period and it's unfair to your daughter and husband to prevent her from attending.

It's not for "you" to know these people well enough, it's for "him" to know them well enough. He's her father and should be trusted with her care if he's trusted overall. It really gets to me when one person thinks their judgement as a parent should trump the other parents.....it's a control issue, not a safety issue. .

You either trust your ex's judgment or you don't. If you don't then you need to go to court and tell a judge that you feel your daughter will be in some sort of danger from the people that he entrusts her to be around, either because of something they will do to harm her or by neglect. To do that you will need some sort of proof.

Of course, this won't just cover his wedding because he will have sole charge of her at other times and you will want the judge to order that before he can take her out of your sight he has to tell you what his plans are, who he is going to associate with and allow you some way of assessing if they may be dangerous in some way to your daughter.

You will also have to convince a judge that this has nothing to do with your feelings about his affair or whether it is appropriate for her to be a flower girl but is purely out of a well founded concern for her safety.

If you don't have reason to distrust his judgment I think this is a war that you would be well advised not to start.

I do find it poor taste, i even said so. I find it inappropriate and I have a very uneasy feeling about it.

 

But, her safety is also am issue for me. I trust him. I trust his family and would want her there with them. But as a flower girl, I don't want her among the bride's wedding party because those are all people I don't know/don't know well enough. Her bridesmaids are all young girls (the bride herself is 24), just out of college/grad school students, all childless and don't know Alexis enough to keep a proper eye on her.

 

Of course she should be at her father's wedding. I'd just prefer for her to be in her seat with her grandparent around her and for me to pick her up when it's the appropriate time.

Again, it's very presumptuous to assume that because of their age/education/"childlessness" they can't watch after your daughter "properly". The bride is her step mom and just a few years younger than yourself.

I've said enough that you're disguising the real issue so I'll zip up now.

Can you ask your ex-husband if you can appoint a certain family member (his aunt or grandmother?) to keep an eye on the child at all times? I doubt she will be in serious danger with the brides' family. even if they are young, i am sure that several have younger brothers or sisters or nieces and nephews. but still, i would have one adult 'be in charge' so that people aren't like, 'i thought she was with you....' and 'i thought she was with YOU!!'

 

PS- you can give this relative a bag of items for your daughter, including a change of clothes or some toys.

That is exactly what I am afraid of! Weddings are always a mess, rush, chaos, I'm afraid she'll get lost or forgotten. And I don't know if these girls have nephews, brothers, sisters cause I know nothing about them!

But yes, I can talk to him to make sure someone is watching her.

That is exactly what I am afraid of! Weddings are always a mess, rush, chaos, I'm afraid she'll get lost or forgotten. And I don't know if these girls have nephews, brothers, sisters cause I know nothing about them!

 

But yes, I can talk to him to make sure someone is watching her.

Even in the rush of a wedding, I'm sure your ex isn't going to just plum forget about his child.

And I think if you trust him you should trust he'll make sure she's safe. I think you just don't want her there period and it's unfair to your daughter and husband to prevent her from attending.

It's not for "you" to know these people well enough, it's for "him" to know them well enough. He's her father and should be trusted with her care if he's trusted overall. It really gets to me when one person thinks their judgement as a parent should trump the other parents.....it's a control issue, not a safety issue. .

Do you have children?

I'm sure you'd be happy to let your toddler child be among people who are virtual strangers to you for an entire day. I am not. Call me a control freak because of that, I don't care.

I said I want her to be there. He is her father, But I'd be more comfortable for her to enjoy the ceremony sitting with her grandparents.

But yes, I can talk to him to make sure someone is watching her.

Even in the rush of a wedding, I'm sure your ex isn't going to just plum forget about his child.

Well, he won't but I'm afraid his fiancee and her friends might, you never know...

And I certainly will not be going to court for this! I trust my ex husband completely.

Will you be OK with him monitoring how you look after her?

It's not that I'll be watching how he looks after her. I just want to make sure that someone is keeping an eye on her during the wedding preparations.

Would you actually leave your 5 year old child alone in such chaos?! You'd be ok with that?!

well, she's a member of the wedding party and will as a result, need to be here and there for the ceremony and photos and whatnot. i'm sure she'll be the center of attention most of the time. it would make sense for a member of the wedding party to be the one designated to 'keep an eye on her.' though i guess that the father should be the one doing the appointment.

well, she's a member of the wedding party and will as a result, need to be here and there for the ceremony and photos and whatnot. i'm sure she'll be the center of attention most of the time. it would make sense for a member of the wedding party to be the one designated to 'keep an eye on her.' though i guess that the father should be the one doing the appointment.

Well thats the thing. As a flower girl she'll probably end up among the bride and her wedding party. The bride is stressed, anxious, nervous, has enough to deal with. Her friends don't know Alexis, are also in the middle of all the chaos. I mean, do any mothers get me? It's a wedding day, she is 5 and I don't know these girls. It makes me nervous.

I would really like if her aunt (ex's sister) would be appointed to look after her for the day.

Well, he won't but I'm afraid his fiancee and her friends might, you never know...

 

 

And I certainly will not be going to court for this! I trust my ex husband completely.

You say you trust him but it's not sounding like you do honestly. It's just the way it's coming accross. You can't say you trust him but then say you are afraid of who will look after her the day of. And whether you admit it or not, I think it does have to do with the fact you don't want her IN the wedding party. As I said, there is no set rule that says she has to stand on the Bride's side. She can very well stand on her father's side seeing as she is TECHNICALLY part of his party since she's his daughter. There will be nothing stopping her grandparents from keeping an eye on her during the ceremony up there as well as afterward.

Thiis is why it seems it's more about keeping her out of the wedding in general. Even if she stands up there, are her grandparents not going to be watching her then?

ah, you know, i would talk calmly to your ex, tell him that you know that this is a big day for him and his future wife, they will be so busy, and your daughter will be with a lot of strangers she's never met. tell him that you'd like it if his sister can be her 'guardian' for the day and keep and eye on her. that you'll give her a bag with her toys, a change of clothes, or whatever else she might need for the day.

i don't know - maybe he's already thought of this, or will in the future. the wedding is a ways off, right?