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just needed to clear my head..


-Sanguine-

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yeahhh.. mixed emotions lately

 

I've been in my hometown, like where I grew up since last thursday so it's been really nice. I got to spend christmas with my family and spend lots of time with them. I really missed them! I leave for the city again on Friday to spend new years eve and I'm excited but at the same time I will be sad to go..

 

I have still been in contact with my ex.. but not too much. He texted me on Christmas Eve and Christmas day and he was lonely and said he got no Christmas presents and it was kind of sad.. I don't wish that on anyone. He kind of got into a pattern of texting me every night after work, just saying something random and our texts would last maybe over the span of an hour, so not too long. I think they may be slowly dwindling which is what I want. I found myself glad when he hadn't texted me for a day and a half.. made me feel good to be moving on.

 

The he texted me today asking me to do him a favor.. to look at an apartment in my city for him (just check it out cause he wasn't able to). I said no. But for a while I got really bent out of shape about it and felt bad for not wanting to. But I talked to my mom about it and she said I shouldn't do it. I just have a hard time saying no. But I did. And he was fine with it. So I'm glad..

 

Also.. maybe I was really emotional because it's that time of the month.. bahaha I was watching Glee and almost started crying so I think I'm kind of being overly sensitive at the time.

 

Anyways.. so at this point in regards to my ex I am confused. By that I mean.. I WANT to move on. I DON'T want to get back together with him. I DON'T want to think about him and I don't really. But I am having a hard time in that I feel very sorry for him because he has no one.

 

One of my good friends, she really doesn't like him. He knows she doesn't like him and even while we were together she made it really clear to him. They have mutual friends and will be spending new years together at a concert. My first thought was uh oh.. * * * * is gonna hit the fan. I know how my friend gets when she is drunk and she speaks her mind. I could already see the scenario of her reaming him out because she really doesn't like him and how he treated me. So I asked her not to do anything and she said she wouldn't unless he provoked her and I know he wouldn't do that. So I think it'll be okay.

But I'm still worried.. like why does it bother me? I LIKE being on good terms with him and I am glad we are so I feel like if she starts something he will hate me for it and that scares me. Not good. I wish I felt nothing. I'm trying to get to that point, I really am. Gradually.

 

The other guy texted me Monday night. He wanted to hang out with his friend and me. I really don't want to see him or talk to him anymore.. I feel bad but it's true. At the time, when I was involved with him I didn't see it a rebound. I thought my feelings for him were real and true and maybe we'd be together but now I see that's not true. He was a rebound.. I didn't mean for it to happen and I feel terrible cause it's not like I planned it. We do have a connection but I just don't want to me anything more than friends with him and I feel terrible cause I know he likes me. I was 100% honest with him though so at least I can live with that. He knew I wasn't prepared for anything.. and when we stopped talking daily he just asked that things not be akward and I said of course not.. but now I feel like if we were to ever see eachother things would be so akward! Cause I Know he likes me as more than a friend and I don't want to hurt him. He's a great guy.. so nice.. but I don't want to hurt him I really don't.

 

I dunnooo what else to say. Not looking forward to January and being alone. Nope.

There's a guy my friend is setting me up with possibly.. we'll see if that's a good idea or not. Blahhhh, no more rebounds for me. Don't want to hurt anyone else even if they know going into it that I'm not available.

 

But the more and more I think about it..

yes I care for my ex because he was my first love

but I don't want to be with him, I don't want to to do favors for him, and I'm happy when he doesn't text me

but I feel sorry for him and I want him to be happy

I miss being in a relationship, I don't really miss being in one with him.

We'll see what happens. It's been almost 3 months. Wow.

 

Goodnight..

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