will NO CONTACT bring cheating ex boyfriend back and teach him a lesson?

OK so I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years he cheated..he confessed it and told me that it made him realize how much me and the relationship meant to him and he was willing to prove to me how much he wanted this relationship and to earn my trust...although deep down I believed him and wanted to give him a chance I broke up with him anyways to show him that cheating isn't tolerated and to hopefully teach him how much he really needs me .

Now its been a week since we broke up and he texts me every night that he hopes I have a good night and that he will continue writing that...I was thinking I wanted a month to myself to sort my feelings out and to have him value me much more when we get back together.

so my main question is ...is it risky of me to do this no contact for a month knowing I want him and the relationship back?

if so how can I go about doing this and not loosing him and giving him the idea that I moved on completely.

My boyfriend deep down is a good guy and at the end of they day he is the person i want to be with i just feel like he messed up big time and i just wanted to show him there are consequences to his actions but i do want to work on the relationship i just didnt want to take him back soo quickly people just keep telling me to tell him that i need a break but i feel like it defeats the purpose of me doing it because then he knows in the end we will get back together

for now all he is doing is just texting me every night to sleep well and i have a goodnight..i guess im waitign for him to finally tell me he wants to talk and then there i will propose to him my way of trying to make it work

I want him back i just want him to know that cheating isn't tolerated and not seem like a hopless weak in love

also if i do get back with him should it be my concern if he stayed in contact with the person he cheated with or did anything else with other people? since we technically are broken up? should i even bother asking that?

PS NO ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER QUOTES AND I DONT WANT NO BIASED ANSWER I WANT ANSWER ON HOW TO GET BACK WITH HIM NOT OVER HIM !

Once a cheater always a cheater. You are well aware of your actions when you are cheating he didn't stop himself so he isn't sorry. I don't mean to be rude but you deserve better than a cheater. NC is for you to heal and move on. Nothing will bring him back unless he wants to come back. Even though he was wrong when someone breaks up with you, you are saying I don't want to be with you anymore. So he might not think you want him so he might take NC as you just enforcing your decision on the breakup.

You have to break-up and make him believe that he will not get you back. NC with non-chalance, the whole nine yards and for at least a month. You are defeating your purpose with anything less.

I hope you realize his cheating will always be sitting in the back of your mind. Some people seem to be able to handle this though, maybe you are one of them.

Well if you want him back, then clearly cheating is "tolerated" by you...

I think it's possible to make things work, especially after a four-year relationship. I guess you are going the right way. But give yourself LOTS of time. You really need to weigh this up. My thoughts, from personal experience? It'll never be the same again. Even if he is sincerely sorry and never does it again, I think deep down you will always be worried and jealous whenever he doesn't call back or whenever he stays out late without you. It's your call, maybe you are okay with this.

But yeah, give it a couple of weeks, and then just call him. Tell him you would be willing to give it another shot, but very slowly. Maybe even no sex for a while. And kick his ass, make him work for it. Until things are great again, he should be doing everything he can to make you happy. No more compromises for a while. You're the boss.

Good luck with whatever decision you make in the long term

If someone completely ignored me for a month, I wouldn't keep trying after that. I would take it as a sign that they either hated me or have moved on.

Let's be honest here. You, nor I, nor anyone who's had a bad breakup is going to get their boyfriend back perfectly and normal if the reason for breaking up is cheating. Cheating means he's done with you, and I know this hurts, but he dumped you like vomit the second he cheated. Those who cheat typically are simply through with their partners but don't know how to express it.

Or he could have been a stupid man who cheated for no reason at all, but however you look at it, you deserve better. It doesn't matter that he texts you trying to win back your love, at best he feels guilty, at worse he's using you as a trophy to show off to his friends.

Look at this way- if he came crawling back, would you really want to take him back after what he's done to you? You may be blinded by love, but please tell me you're not that blind. He hurt you and for what? Some other girl who he may not have even loved. Consider your future dear, a marriage with him would lead to you both cheating, to being miserable and to an even messier divorce then the break-up you're in now.

Hopefully you'll find someone new, someone who will prove that deep down they are a good man, and not cheat on you.

i guess my biggest fear is that i make him better for the next girl

He's a cheater, he will not be better for anyone. Let's say that's true though, he isn't good for you so let him go be better for someone else and you will find someone better for you.

Okay. You want honest answers then I will give you honesty. This a man you are dealing with not a dog. You cannot teach him a lesson or modify his behavior. He is the person he is and will most likely continue to make the same decisions based on his mindset and value system. Right now, you are playing a full on game with him and he is doing the same. You are punishing him and he is begging for forgiveness. In the end, will this prove that he has "changed" or "learned to be good"? I do not know.... He may learn to be more careful with his affairs or may never stray again.

What you should be examining instead is if this is the relationship for both of you. Does it meet both of your needs? Would you prefer to "game him" back into being with you only to realize a year later that it was a mistake? Quit wasting your time on "training him" and look deep inside the relationship and see if it is truly valid. Men cheat for many reasons: boredom, desire for excitement, variety, etc. It is not like he is a child who slipped on an icy street. He is a grown man who knew that cheating is wrong and yet did it anyway. Punishing him will not address what he was thinking when he decided to "just go for it and the hell with the consequences". That is a very dangerous mindset that he displayed.

I have no doubt that he will beg for you to let him come back. But you are naive to think that you can change a man in this manner. In fact, he could come back after being "punished" only to have less respect for you. He cheated, got caught, you forgave him and took him back. With some men's value system this is a victory and you are a fool.

Instead, look at if this relationship is truly what you think it is. Examine not only his faithfulness but his life goals, his patience with you, his manner of showing affection, his interactions with your family and friends. Unfaithfulness is rarely a solo symptom, it is often the result of unhappiness in other areas of the relationship. Quit playing power games with him and being selfish and trying to change him. Examine instead if he and you are truly what you imagine it to be? Good luck.

I agree that cheating "is" in fact tolerated if your plan is to stay with him....but that's besides the point.

There are 2 ways you can go about staying with him (or at least these are the first 2 that come to mind):

1) Just call him up and tell him you're ready to talk. Tell him how you feel and move forward. It seems you've already forgiven him/are seeing past this so there's no reason to act like you're taking time to think when you've already thought about it enough to know you want to be with him in the end. That's just gaming. So call him and pick up where you left off.

2) Tell him you need some time (but again it doesn't sound like you really do...it seems you know what you want) and to contact you on (insert date- a month from now? A week from now? Two weeks from now?) In that time, he won't have to beg/plea for your forgiveness and you'll really have some time to yourself to think about things. When he contacts you after that time, you can talk about getting back together.

If someone completely ignored me for a month, I wouldn't keep trying after that. I would take it as a sign that they either hated me or have moved on.

Personally, I think the OP should try to move on from this because things will almost surely never be the same. She is asking for another option though.

i guess my biggest fear is that i make him better for the next girl

 

Who cares, hopefully he will make you better for the next guy. You'll be stronger, more savvy, more experienced, more independent. And you won't take any BS again! The next guy who wants your love will really have to earn it, so he'll be completely invested and committed. It'll be an even better relationship than this one!

yes you are right and we spoke about that...... after 4 years it was getting a bit hard to keep the spark alive and he admited that the girl was being more exciting and adventurous he said he got caught up in it all and we were starting to discuss what i can do to keep my part on making the relationship more interesting and him as well but i broke up with him regardless because he cheated ! and i felt like that wasnt a talk i wanted to have then my emotions were all over the place

I guess you're right Forumguy, I just would feel stupid chasing someone who obviously was showing me they didn't want me.

I guess you're right Forumguy, I just would feel stupid chasing someone who obviously was showing me they didn't want me.

its not like i dumped him for no reason he cheated ! so he has every right to pursue me if he really loved me..i did nothing wrong hes the one that has to prove himself

I guess you're right Forumguy, I just would feel stupid chasing someone who obviously was showing me they didn't want me.

You are playing games and that is not only not very wise but also very risky. If you want him back then say so and get the relationship sorted out in a more constructive way.

its not like i dumped him for no reason he cheated ! so he has every right to pursue me if he really loved me..i did nothing wrong hes the one that has to prove himself

Simple fact is this, no method of dealing with cheating fixes it. Your relationship is the answer. If you know that will take him back then you better become one impressive communicator, because if he gets the wrong idea you will suffer. The nimber one wrong idea is that you NEED him. You don't. You can move on and find new relationships and be happier for it.

its not like i dumped him for no reason he cheated ! so he has every right to pursue me if he really loved me..i did nothing wrong hes the one that has to prove himself

I agree with you, you didn't do anything wrong. I'm just speaking how I would handle it. Even if I did wrong, I wouldn't continually pursue someone after being ignored for a month or so. I'd accept responsibility for my actions and know I caused my own pain and walk away. That's just me though.

I agree with you, you didn't do anything wrong. I'm just speaking how I would handle it. Even if I did wrong, I wouldn't continually pursue someone after being ignored for a month or so. I'd accept responsibility for my actions and know I caused my own pain and walk away. That's just me though.

This is what I would do as well. As I said earlier (and DN said as well)....if you want him back, then just get back with him. Don't make it into a lesson/game/punishment. If you overall think he's who you want to be with and he's an overall great guy, then move forward with that faith/trust/belief and work it out with him.

`My quest is, why would you dump him for cheating on you, then try to get him BACK? You had it right the first time. I have stayed with a cheater before, even gotten him back before after a break up. Best advice I can give you is to walk away and find someone else. Follow your first instinct in this matter.

Now if you are H bent on getting him back, you have to drop that 'he did somethign wrong' attitude. You want him back, you gotta forgive him. That is the ONLY way the relationship is going to survive. If you can't forgive him yet, you don't need to be persuing a relationship. NC is a tool for you to heal, not to make him feel sorry for himself.

You are playing games and that is not only not very wise but also very risky. If you want him back then say so and get the relationship sorted out in a more constructive way.

Lost track of how I was advocating games. Games not good. Is there a constructive way to do this without letting him know he can get away with cheating and still have his woman back?

To the truth is, if you take a cheater back, that ALWAYS tells them they have gotten away with it and will again.

Relationships can overcome cheating. Communication is the key. It is the way that you determine weather or not you take the risk or move on. You have to know that your partner really wants the same relationship that you want. It can be done, but not through desire, desperation or fantasy. Honesty, as hard as it is, is the path and communication is the vehicle.