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Thread: Being gay sucks, who am i kidding?!

  1. #1
    mgirl's Avatar
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    Being gay sucks, who am i kidding?!

    Being gay (homosexual) sucks, who am i kidding.

    Throughout your childhood, you get the rhetoric "be yourself, be true to yourself" etc.

    The reality of being gay is that it sucks. Society will never truly accept us, at best, they will tolerate us, if even that.

    I don't think anybody realises the reality of what being gay or same sex attracted is all about. The constant rejections, the paranoia of trying to make friends with somebody of the same sex, only to fear that they think you will want something more of them. The price i pay is that i compromise myself and surround myself with people who are beneath my standards. The gay scene is riddled with drugs, insecurity and immorality: things that are against my principles.

    I can honestly say, that being "gay" has RUINED my life.

    The life decisions and choices that i have made have mostly been dictated by the fact that i am same-sex attracted. Let me elaborate:

    Back when i was growing up / was a teenager, there was no "support" for same sex attracted youth. Hell, my parents didn't even support me. The only way, and i mean, the only way to meet other "gay" people was in nightclubs, which lead to drugs, alcohol and promiscuity, all things which i truly regret to this day, because, essentially, it is not "me". on and meet other gay people when i first came out of the closet was to go to gay nightclubs and take drugs. The only other choice i would have had back then was to keep silent and marry a guy, who i was probably not interested in.

    Make no mistake about it, the gay life is hell. Television shows like "Will & Grace" are a harsh divergence from reality. The reality is that most gay people are miserably unhappy (the ones i know of are anyway) and all have addiction issues, and i'm not exempt from this reality. Even if i decided to give up my addiction, what would i be left with? A life of nothingness and no future? Because that's how it seems from here.

    The absolute truth and reality about my life is that i doubt i will ever meet somebody who feels the same way, little lone live the sort NORMAL life i wanted to live all my life. True commitment and children are a joke in the gay community. They are so bitter and twisted and jaded that most of them cannot possibly fathom the priviledge of such pleasures. The other reality of gay life is that there is not enough social support to be the glue that holds people together, little lone increase the dating pool by encouraging people to come out of the closet. No wonder so many people still are, there are not enough incentives to be "true to yourself" at all.

    If i had my time all over again, i would have chosen to stay in the closet and at least have what everybody else takes for granted: children, a broken (or together) marriage, or at least a good group of friends, not this god foresaken loneliness and lack of rights, recognition or companionship: things that should be the birthright of each person, regardless of gender, sexuality, race or religion, thanks a lot to the bigots / loveless people. Being gay is a constant struggle for "survival", emotionally, spiritually and physically sometimes.

    The biggest mistake i made of my life was to think that there would be something better on the other side, but all i found was weeds. As i said before, being gay or same-sex attracted is "hell". This is reinforced to me on a weekly basis when i see happy, smiling kids with their parents, couples holding hands, couples being happy, couples not having to worry about themselves or justify their very existence to their own relatives. It is not even funny and the way such people take those things for granted. And, wow, not to mention that they'll get to enjoy the priviledges of children and grand children and not growing old ALONE.

    Meh, life's great.
    Last edited by mgirl; 12-26-2010 at 05:31 AM.

  2. #2
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    It's tough being straight (or being seen as straight) and getting privileges, too. Sometimes you meet people who assume that you're homophobic as soon as they meet you, and that really wears on a person. Other times, you can't easily make friends with gay people because they've been treated badly by straight people and they have a wall up to you for a while. Eventually you just want to know what it's like to live on the other side, and you want people to at least blame you for being what you are, not what you aren't: a homophobic son of a...

    I think gay people who have lived in the closet for a long time get to know this downside of privilege better than people who are out early. The challenges are different for each of them; easier for people in the closet, but not non-existent. Bisexuals and transsexuals, especially, get to understand these things very well.

    Life sucks for pretty much everyone. People who have money have it so they can drown their sorrows by getting more and more things; they want to forget and to pretend that everyone is living as comfortably as they are. People who get into politics do it because they're very conscious of their own powerlessness, and they want the appearance of power, for the same reason young guys get hot girls, to make their friends jealous. It just sucks a lot worse for minorities.

  3. #3
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    I used to feel that exact same way. I started coming out when I was 16, and fully came out to my parents when I was 17. They kicked me out of the house because they weren't accepting. I was attending the local all-girls Catholic college prep high school, and you can imagine the hell I went through there throughout the coming out process... It felt like my entire world was crumbling and I didn't know where to turn.

    There were 2 people at that school who I felt truly were interested in helping me through everything that was going on, my Theology teacher and the Guidance Counselor. The guidance counselor actually got me involved with an agency that had a sub-organization for young people, called the Youth Advisory Board. I started getting involved there, then eventually interned for the agency during the following summer. It was amazing to meet people from all over the state, hear their stories and their troubles... Growing up where I did, I was extremely sheltered in the people I met; most were white, very affluential, and Catholic (or Jewish). I met people of all different colors, religions, straight, bi, lesbian, questioning, transitioning, people with HIV, with STIs, with social stigmas, people who were comfortable in their skin and those that weren't... Just, people. It was an amazing experience, and it changed my life for the better. Since then, I have bought a house, I have a full-time job, and I have overcome all the odds that told me I couldn't do what I was doing.

    So, I encourage you to find something like what I had. There are so many non-profit agencies that are just waiting to be able to help people who need support, love, encouragement, anything. I can tell you that if I hadn't had the group, I would have turned to what you described: drugs, promiscuity, alcohol, etc. Just know that there are people who do want to give you that support, and people who are like you who don't necessarily want to get involved in the drinking, drugs and promiscuity.

  4. #4
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    Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I actually look on the bright side on being gay. This is how we were made and we should be happy for who we are. From what I've seen people are more easy on gay women then gay men. I have a hard time to with life, but I know when I find that special person I'll be really happy. I don't think it's good to go against what you are. I think it makes us stronger as people for all the challenges we have to face. I wouldn't turn straight even if I could. Good luck with everything.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member iBroken's Avatar
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    Sorry you are having such a hard time with your sexuality. But lets not paint a "hell" picture for those who are struggling with their sexuality.

    While the gay community can be filled with promiscuity and drugs, we all make personal choices to participate or abstain from that lifestyle. While the community in my town has drug use, I have never felt the need to do drugs to fit in. I know quite a few people within the community and not once have I ever had to pop a party pill to get to know them or be accepted. In my experience, standing up for what you believe in rather then conforming seems to be a much more accepted practice amongst the gay people I know.

    I agree with people500. I wouldnt change a thing in my life (aside from maybe coming out sooner). I love my gay life. I love gay people and I most certainly love women. I wouldnt trade it in for some fake leave it to beaver (unless its a gay porn movie lifestyle with some dude.

    Its unfortunate that you dislike your lifestyle so much that you would consider the idea of sucking it up and living the hetero lifestyle to suppress who you are. Is there a counselor or service within your gay community that you can talk to about this?

  7. #6
    Gold Member MakestheBest's Avatar
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    Feel free to dismiss everything I'm about to say because I'm straight: But I think what you're saying is total crap. And if I'm right about that, then it is a GOOD thing. Forgive me, if 'tough love' is not the route to go with you, but this is how I express myself. I have heard straight people say virtually everything you just said, and I personally believe it is there perspective. I have 3 close friends who are lesbians. NONE of them are into drugs, one of them smokes weed on a rare occasion, but thats about it. One of them is madly in love with her girlfriend and pretty happy and healthy. Another one is is about as happy as all of my straight friends. the last one is unhappy, but it ain't cause she's gay trust me. She has had a tough life and doesnt know how to be happy yet if ever. One very close gay male friend who is happy in a relationship of 3 years...drug free as well.

    I know that you're saying that you can only find gay partners in nightclubs. But that doesnt seem true of any of my gay female friends. One met her girlfriend at a party, my male friend met his lover years ago thru myspace, my other girlfriend usually dates someone from the gay community that she hangs out with ( separate from the nightlife). All of them said they are tired of and hate meeting ppl at clubs. Too unhealthy of an atmosphere.

    There was this study done that was posted in...Newsweek? years ago, that basically said happiness has virtually nothing to do your situation. It comes from inside. It's all about your perspective. A happy person that lost his leg ( after the initial shock ) would basically go back to the same level of happiness he had with both legs...a depressed person who won a billion dollars ( after the initial shock and glee) would go right back to the same depressed state after he got used to being rich.

    So gay or straight I can say this to you: ( and this is coming from someone who is currently trying to beat back depression and sort out a bit of confusion in her life) your life is what you make it. I know it harder for some, but thats just not a reason to not have a happy life.

    Everything you're describing above is bitterness, I know this because I have heard similar "life sucks" stories from healthy young straight people. I had a moderately tall, straight, white, male * * * * * and moan about how much life sucked and why ppl didnt understand him. It was all in his head and made no sense. You just have an easier scapegoat to peg your unhappiness on who can possibly deny the difficulties of homosexuality.

    I dont wan't to trivialize what you're going thru, or how unhappy you feel right now. But please, dont blame it on your sexuality-why? it's not going anywhere. You have more control over your life that you think. Even I know the gay community that you're in is not the only kind there is. But what you really have to work on is your outlook, everything else will work out if you can figure out a way to fix that.

    Then again...who the hell am I? I'm just the straight chick in the room. Feel free to disregard what I'm saying if you would rather feel miserable.

    Peace and Best of Luck in life

    P.S. Will and Grace are annoying.
    Last edited by MakestheBest; 12-27-2010 at 02:08 AM.

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    I am sorry to hear about all the pain your sexuality is causing you. I think it is a common feeling and it certainly isn't unwarranted.

    Like someone else mentioned, I tend to look at mostly the positive about my sexuality. Sure it has given me some obtacles to deal with, but I sincerely feel that my sexuality has provided me with so much spiritual and personal growth. Everyone has their own things that make them who they are - and I think dealing with my sexuality, given my geopgrahic location, field of study, and many other factors, has really all helped carve me into the introspective, deep-thinker that I am today. I also feel that it has helped me be so incredibly tolerant of many other things that I never would have been.

    Does that mean heterosexual can't have the same type of thoughts just because they aren't gay? Of course not. I am just sharing how I credit my sexuality with much of my personal growth. We all have our own paths to take - there will always be negative but I bet there is some positive too if you try to look really closely.

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    I really hate to see posts like this that paint us all with the same brush and further reinforce stereotypes about our community. You are also doing great disservice to those struggling with coming to terms with their sexuality (and possibly browsing this very forum) by scaring them into thinking ALL gay people feel this way. Speak for yourself of course, but don't speak for the entire community worldwide.

    Access to resources varies widely accross the globe and each culture and society differs very widely as far as how gay people are treated, the rights we have, etc. Plus, your own family and social circle has a ton to do with how you perceive yourself, in addition to your own constitution.

    I've been out since I was 13 and am now 37. I have never even tried a cigarette let alone any illicit drugs. I've never been a partier, promiscuous or ashamed of who I am and I've never once regretted WHO I am. It wasn't a choice any more than it is for heterosexuals. It is just who I am. And I'm not boring either - I still get out, have fun and meet people, but I don't need to be trashed to do it.

    Have I had challenges? Absolutely. Very, very difficult ones. Being fully out in high school in the 1980s and 1990s - not fun, but I am a very strong, confident and self-assured woman as a grown adult and a lot of that has to do with what I went through as a teenager in a very conservative community. A lot of that also has to do with very supportive parents who I am grateful for and never take for granted. I realize I am lucky with the social network and support I had, but I also started the first gay youth group in my school to ensure I had even more support (and to ensure others did too). Where there wasn't support, I started a group.

    [And as an aside, can we stop calling being gay a lifestyle? It really irks me and implies choice or such a huge difference between daily tasks we perform vs. our heterosexual counterparts. It's outdated language. The last time I checked I put my socks on like most straight women and go grocery shopping too. I also go out to see friends and family just like they do. There is nothing different about the way I live my life save for the gender of my partners. That's it. And plenty of heterosexuals are involved in drinking/drugs/partying. It's not specific to the gay community - unless you are defining the 'gay community' as ONLY the bar culture part of it. We are much more diverse than that. We are just as heterogeneous as the heterosexual community with certain portions that like certain scenes. It's diversity - plain and simple.]

    I also happen to know MANY gay Moms and Dads that get up every day, get the kids off to school and then work a full-time job and do it all over again day in and day out. I think a lot of your perceptions are coloured by the company you keep. It sounds like you are surrounded by very negative people with a ton of issues. I think your first step should be to look at changing your social circle.

    Having said all that mgirl, I do understand your frustration and where you are coming from. I really do. I think you need to talk to someone. I think you have a lot of issues going on that may not even be related to sexual orientation at all, but yet you are attributing them all to that. Many people - regardless of sexual orientation - feel a lot of the things you feel. If your area is lacking in social resources then please reach out to friends or other online forums. Feel free to PM me as well.

    Although a lot of your concerns may not be due to your sexuality, I'm not naive and know that as a result of systemic discrimination our community does have more addiction issues as a result. Absolutely. But the entire community is not riddled with it and there is help available to those that want it.

    Try local meet up groups - they are worldwide. If there are none in your area you can start your own. It's a great way to meet others in the community that doesn't involve the bars. After my break up in January, I joined a couple of different meet up groups and I have a whole new circle of friends now - it's amazing. They are great men and women and are very 'normal' and down-to-earth. We do a ton of different actitivities together and you meet people from all different walks of life.

    I really think you need to discuss how you're feeling with someone. In the meantime, my offer of help still stands. Please send me a PM.
    Last edited by Kaytie; 12-27-2010 at 11:10 AM.

  10. #9
    Silver Member ceez's Avatar
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    its like adding salt to the wound, on top of being socially awkward having little or no friends, and what ever other issues you might have that many straight people go through you have to accept your sexuality and if you live with a religious family in a religious conservative state with very little support you have to prepare yourself to fight off the bigots and anyone else who thinks they should run your life.

    yes everyone goes through struggles gay, straight, whatever; and yes many gay people can see the positive side of it but there's still a lot of us out there like myself that have no idea how to handle this.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by people500
    Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I actually look on the bright side on being gay. This is how we were made and we should be happy for who we are. From what I've seen people are more easy on gay women then gay men. I have a hard time to with life, but I know when I find that special person I'll be really happy. I don't think it's good to go against what you are. I think it makes us stronger as people for all the challenges we have to face. I wouldn't turn straight even if I could. Good luck with everything.
    I agree with you that gay women have it easier than gay men. There are some guys out there who would kill to be in her place, to be seen as gay women and to date gay women.

    Maybe knowing that they respect you like that will be comforting to you, mgirl...

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