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Thread: My BF of 12 years excludes me from family functions involving his grown children

  1. #11

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    I understand that you are hurt - anyone would be. But I can see it from his point of view as well. I know I would not want to be cut off from my grandchildren and if his son is determined to do that he can. It's all very well people saying he should put his foot down and so on but they aren't the ones who would suffer the consequences if his son carries out his threat.

    You are looking at this as "he didn't have to host the dinner and exclude me" but he probably looks at it as "I want to see my grandkids sometime around Christmas for some sort of celebration"

    If anyone is in the wrong here it is his son - but he can't do anything about that as his son can do what he threatens.

  2. #12
    Silver Member SapphireNoir10's Avatar
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    But if his son actually carried out his threat. Wouldnt he be doing himself out of his inheritance. If thats what he is worried about I cant see him him jeopardising it. I cant imagine a child being so cruel to their parent as to do that. Especially as his sons kids would suffer as well. By not having their grandad in their life.

    I am just seeing it from the OP's point of view. I personally wouldnt be able to deal with it, and if my partner couldnt stick up for me after 12 years i'd find it difficult to be in the relationship.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member charity's Avatar
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    how about you and bf sitting and having a chat with all the rest of the siblings(not the eldest) and explain that this is really hurting and unnecessary. if they realize how wrong they are being, maybe they will be strong enough to stand up to their brother. they could tell him that you are coming and they are fine with that, and if he choses to exclude himself and his own kids out of spite ,the so be it. i myself would have no qualms in saying that to my own brother (whom i love to bits) if he was behaving in such a hateful cruel way.

  4. #14
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    I have told him several times and he knows how hurt I was yesterday because I spent the entire day in bed and could not stop crying. But he is too afraid to make waves with his kids. He had warned me several years ago to never put him in a situation where he had to chose between me and his kids. Just for the record, this oldest child once threw a hot coffee at his father because he saw us together. Another time, he found his father with me at a soccer practice that my young daughter was having with her team and he spun the tires on his truck so hard that it made several stones fly onto the field near the little girls who were only about 12 years old at the time. I remember how all the parents stared in disbelief at the truck but no one knew who the a-hole was that had acted that way. We did not acknowledge that we knew who it was.

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  6. #15
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    How old is the son?

  7. #16
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    Hi Charity. Thanks for the suggestion, but we have tried that. I have spoken to the other siblings as well just to let them know how this was also hurting their father, but they are afraid to stand up to the oldest son. He is somewhat of a bully and everyone seems to be afraid of him.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    How very sad! and how awful the grown son is being... his prime goal should be to see his father happy rather than doing these kind of power plays.

    And if he is afraid of losing his inheritance, then he father should tell him if he wants to see his inheritance, he needs to start accepting you and treating you with respect rather than thinking excluding you is something he should continue to do.

    The father has more power than he thinks he does, but is afraid to rock the boat. I understand he is in a difficult position, but it seems he is giving in to his son's bullying when there is no good reason to...

    I can understand your feelings of frustration for standing by him all these years and still not being married or included in the family circle. Ultimately you have to decide whether it is worth it to you to make this a deal breaker or not. You either have to get him to agree to not let the son rule the party invitation guest list, or you need to accept that he is too weak to do that and just recognize he is letting his son win this battle at your expense. The father could easily tell his son to shape up and stop being a jerk, but he just doesn't...

  9. #18
    Silver Member SapphireNoir10's Avatar
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    Wow.

    His son has issues. Obviously. I dont know why the other siblings let him get away with causing such a rift in the family.

    I can understand your husband not wanting to choose between you because as much as it would hurt him he'd evidentally choose his kids.

    How badly does this affect you day to day? I know I couldnt deal with it

    If I was your partner I'd tell him he continued to behave in such a way he'd be written out of the inheritance! Then he might stop being such a bully if his inheritance is at risk.

  10. #19
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    The son is now close to 40 years old.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member charity's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SapphireNoir10
    But if his son actually carried out his threat. Wouldnt he be doing himself out of his inheritance. If thats what he is worried about I cant see him him jeopardising it. I cant imagine a child being so cruel to their parent as to do that. Especially as his sons kids would suffer as well. By not having their grandad in their life.

    I am just seeing it from the OP's point of view. I personally wouldnt be able to deal with it, and if my partner couldnt stick up for me after 12 years i'd find it difficult to be in the relationship.
    i know what you mean but i don't think its a case of him not standing up for her.i'm sure they know how angered he is by all this. rather he doesn't want to have to make some impossible choice. your partner of 12 years who you love OR all your kids and grandkids?? impossible!!

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