My BF of 12 years excludes me from family functions involving his grown children

I have been in a committed relationship with a widower for 12 years. My BF's grown children are in their 30's, married and have their own families. I was not invited to any of their weddings nor the christenings of my BF’s grandchildren. I have been excluded from all family functions (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc.) involving his grown children from day one because one of the kids (the oldest) does not want me in the picture. The other four kids don’t really care either way, and they are civil with me when we meet, but they do not want to make waves in the family and therefore, they side with their sibling rather than with me and ban me from any family gatherings.

Their father remains neutral so as to not make waves as well. However, when my BF’s elderly mom visits from overseas, she makes it known that I have to be at all family gatherings and this makes for a tough and awkward time at the family table. She tells them that I am good to their father and they should not treat me that way. As soon as she leaves, though, I am excluded again.

Although I expressed my displeasure about this to my BF several times, he has difficulties addressing the issue with them for fear of losing access to his grandchildren. So over 12 years, I have tolerated the situation and have acted graciously. My BF treats me well otherwise so I always felt in the past that this was a compromise that I had to make.

Last Christmas, my own grown daughter, who is a university student, and I were finally invited to spend Christmas eve at my BF's house and have dinner with his children and their families. Finally, I thought, they will come around and be civil. At the last minute, though, the oldest child decided that he would refuse to come to the dinner if my daughter and I were there. So I received a call from my BF, who is a very tough man in life but a very wimpy guy when it comes to his kids. He was in tears and almost hysterical. I had never heard or seen him cry ever before in 12 years. I could barely understand what he was saying because he was crying so hard. He told me that my daughter and I had be un-invited by his kids and that we could not be at his house because if we were there, some of his grandchildren would not be allowed to attend. He said he couldn’t take this anymore and couldn’t believe that they did this. He attended his own dinner without me for the sake of the grandchildren. My daughter and I were totally unprepared to spend Christmas alone and had not bought any groceries. We stayed home and ordered Chinese food and watched a movie together while my BF's family and their spouses enjoyed christmas dinner together. I felt embarassed in front of my daughter and I was very hurt. My BF said this would never happen again.

This year, to avoid the same thing, my BF and I decided to go away on a trip to visit his mom and other relatives overseas (they absolutely adore me) over Christmas and new years. However, he decided yesterday that he wanted to celebrate an early Christmas with his kids and grandchildren BEFORE we went away. So he organized a large dinner for everyone but he did not ask me to attend. I voiced my displeasure at not being invited. He only told me that he would call me after the dinner was done. He did call me after everyone left, but I was in no mood to speak with him.

In the past, he always complained about his adult children's behaviour in excluding me from family events. However, this year, he is the one who has excluded me. The build-up of hurt in me is starting to overflow. I told him that I have endured enough humiliation and that I cannot take this rude treatment anymore. I am considering cancelling my trip and sending him to visit his mother by himself. My main reason for this trip was to avoid feeling rejected and excluded by him and his kids yet once again. He knows how much this hurts me, but he went ahead and did it anyway "for the sake of his grandcchildren".

Am I over-reacting? Please help!

Let's say that he took your side and insisted that you be invited. If his eldest child followed through on his threat to exclude your partner from the life of his grandchildren and his siblings followed suit where would that leave your partner? Cut off from his family.

This year he tried a middle ground - to spend Christmas Day with you and another day with his family but that backfired because you got upset about being excluded again. But he must have known that had he invited you his children would not have come.

He's between a rock and a hard place and is now being forced to choose between you and his children and grandchildren. He is on a hiding to nothing no matter what he does.

no you are not overreacting to the overall situation but its an impossible situation really isn't it! i don't know how to deal with it and i can imagine your bf and yourself are very upset at this. in regards to the present situation, i don't see your bf at fault for organizing the pre xmas dinner. i think since you both have decided to have your own xmas away together with his mom, then its ok that he has organized a dinner with his kids and grankids here. the whole situation is sad, and obviously the eldest son has some issues and growing up to do. however you cannot force that, no one can really including your bf. i think the best your bf can do is to have his own time with them, and make sure he has special occasions with you too. he shouldn't have to chose between any of you.

To be honest if my child said to me that if I included my partner of 12 years I wouldnt be allowed to see my grandchildren. Id' put my foot down. Quite frankly, if my child could be that cruel, not caring it was making me unhappy....I would honestly put my foot down.

If I was you I couldnt deal with this any longer.

Leaving you and your daughter to spend christmas unprepared was so NOT nice.

How is the relationship otherwise?

Is there a particular reason why his eldest son has such an antipathy to you?

Thanks for your insight, DN. However, I really think that he did not have to host a dinner for everyone and exclude me again. It was a last minute thing that he organized the same day. The kids knew that we would be away for Christmas, so they were not expecting their dad to do a dinner. Had he not done the dinner, it would not have bothered them as they had no expectations. But my BF knew that it would hurt me to be excluded again and he did it anyway. I don't think he did it out of malice, but rather out of his own guilt about being away from them on the big day. He had hinted the night before that he was thinking of doing the dinner and had no idea about what types of gifts to get. I told him that I felt uncomfortable at being excluded again and I offered a compromise. I told him that if he wanted me to, I would go shopping and wrap nice gifts for his kids and grandkids and instead of doing a dinner with everyone but me at the table, why not visit each family individually (without me, of course) and give out the Christmas gifts. That way, he could have an early Christmas with everyone of them. But if he did the dinner and did not invite me, then I didn't think it was fair for me to do all the legwork to prepare gifts for him to give. I'm not trying to win any power struggle here. I have graciously accepted his behaviour for 12 years without putting any pressure on him. However, now it's really enough and the cumulative hurt that I feel is starting to overflow.

I disagree with the other posters.

If the kids grudgingly accept you when his mom is there, then what they need is more kicks in the pants. It's been 12 years! You ARE part of the family whether they like it or not.

Tell the BF that you don't like being treated like the other woman after more than a decade of supporting him. If he is going to be wimpy about it, than you need to play hardball. From now on, show up! Make some noise! You can't just let the kids walk all over you.

My relationship with him otherwise is relatively good.

I think the son is worried about losing his inheritance. I have offered to sign a pre-nup with my BF if it ever comes to marriage because I don't need any of his money. The son really does not know me, because he refuses to enter the house if I am there. So it cannot be anything personal.

Im not suprised that you are hurt.

I would not be able to deal with this at all. But I understand its hard to walk away from 12 years. Have you ever told him HOW much it upsets you? Like sat down ad told him how much it is bothering you?

I think he needs to have a word with his son. Try and get to the bottom of this.

I understand that you are hurt - anyone would be. But I can see it from his point of view as well. I know I would not want to be cut off from my grandchildren and if his son is determined to do that he can. It's all very well people saying he should put his foot down and so on but they aren't the ones who would suffer the consequences if his son carries out his threat.

You are looking at this as "he didn't have to host the dinner and exclude me" but he probably looks at it as "I want to see my grandkids sometime around Christmas for some sort of celebration"

If anyone is in the wrong here it is his son - but he can't do anything about that as his son can do what he threatens.

But if his son actually carried out his threat. Wouldnt he be doing himself out of his inheritance. If thats what he is worried about I cant see him him jeopardising it. I cant imagine a child being so cruel to their parent as to do that. Especially as his sons kids would suffer as well. By not having their grandad in their life.

I am just seeing it from the OP's point of view. I personally wouldnt be able to deal with it, and if my partner couldnt stick up for me after 12 years i'd find it difficult to be in the relationship.

how about you and bf sitting and having a chat with all the rest of the siblings(not the eldest) and explain that this is really hurting and unnecessary. if they realize how wrong they are being, maybe they will be strong enough to stand up to their brother. they could tell him that you are coming and they are fine with that, and if he choses to exclude himself and his own kids out of spite ,the so be it. i myself would have no qualms in saying that to my own brother (whom i love to bits) if he was behaving in such a hateful cruel way.

I have told him several times and he knows how hurt I was yesterday because I spent the entire day in bed and could not stop crying. But he is too afraid to make waves with his kids. He had warned me several years ago to never put him in a situation where he had to chose between me and his kids. Just for the record, this oldest child once threw a hot coffee at his father because he saw us together. Another time, he found his father with me at a soccer practice that my young daughter was having with her team and he spun the tires on his truck so hard that it made several stones fly onto the field near the little girls who were only about 12 years old at the time. I remember how all the parents stared in disbelief at the truck but no one knew who the a-hole was that had acted that way. We did not acknowledge that we knew who it was.

How old is the son?

Hi Charity. Thanks for the suggestion, but we have tried that. I have spoken to the other siblings as well just to let them know how this was also hurting their father, but they are afraid to stand up to the oldest son. He is somewhat of a bully and everyone seems to be afraid of him.

How very sad! and how awful the grown son is being... his prime goal should be to see his father happy rather than doing these kind of power plays.

And if he is afraid of losing his inheritance, then he father should tell him if he wants to see his inheritance, he needs to start accepting you and treating you with respect rather than thinking excluding you is something he should continue to do.

The father has more power than he thinks he does, but is afraid to rock the boat. I understand he is in a difficult position, but it seems he is giving in to his son's bullying when there is no good reason to...

I can understand your feelings of frustration for standing by him all these years and still not being married or included in the family circle. Ultimately you have to decide whether it is worth it to you to make this a deal breaker or not. You either have to get him to agree to not let the son rule the party invitation guest list, or you need to accept that he is too weak to do that and just recognize he is letting his son win this battle at your expense. The father could easily tell his son to shape up and stop being a jerk, but he just doesn't...

Wow.

His son has issues. Obviously. I dont know why the other siblings let him get away with causing such a rift in the family.

I can understand your husband not wanting to choose between you because as much as it would hurt him he'd evidentally choose his kids.

How badly does this affect you day to day? I know I couldnt deal with it

If I was your partner I'd tell him he continued to behave in such a way he'd be written out of the inheritance! Then he might stop being such a bully if his inheritance is at risk.

The son is now close to 40 years old.

But if his son actually carried out his threat. Wouldnt he be doing himself out of his inheritance. If thats what he is worried about I cant see him him jeopardising it. I cant imagine a child being so cruel to their parent as to do that. Especially as his sons kids would suffer as well. By not having their grandad in their life.

 

I am just seeing it from the OP's point of view. I personally wouldnt be able to deal with it, and if my partner couldnt stick up for me after 12 years i'd find it difficult to be in the relationship.

i know what you mean but i don't think its a case of him not standing up for her.i'm sure they know how angered he is by all this. rather he doesn't want to have to make some impossible choice. your partner of 12 years who you love OR all your kids and grandkids?? impossible!!

I just know if It was me, I'd want him to stick up for me more. But then again, If it was me. I would have walked away from this impossible situation years ago, before it got this far.

His son sounds like a bully, and quite honestly the partner could stick up for her by telling the son that if he throws coffee at him again, or nearly hits little girls with rocks and other sick behaviour, including not including his partner, then he wont be getting an inheritance.

And how old are the grandkids?

^ I agree with what SN said. It's a shame that he doesn't put his foot down with his son.

Like I said before - putting his foot down with his son could lose him his children and grandchildren especially since his son seems so determined in his antipathy. Perhaps people think he should make that sacrifice but I wonder how many would if they found themselves in that situation in years to come.

i think it unwise to assume that putting his foot down will get happy results.

The grandkids are all under 6 years old. But some of them are starting to notice that I am there when they are there with their parents alone, but I am never there at the gatherings. Last year after we had been uninvited, one of the little guys who is 3 years old gave me a big hug and said "how come I never saw you for a long, long time?". This was the day after Christmas and he was visiting alone with his dad, one of the younger siblings. I think that the fact that I was absent on the big day was troubling his young mind. They are starting to ask questions and I think that this is not very healthy for the grandkids as well.