bad father daughter relationship

History:

I had only been with my "boyfriend"/ daughter's "father" 7 months when I became pregnant. He wanted me to get an abortion and gave me the money to do so. I decided that was not what I wanted and let him know that he had to feel no obligation. He stayed around anyway and committed to me. And, was there when I had my daughter.

Shortly after she was born he could not be with us for long periods of time for various weak reasons.

When my daughter was two, he graduated from college and decided he was going to move back to where he used to have a wife and daughter, even though his ex wife wanted nothing to do with him and his first daughter barely knew him. I found out he was leaving, from someone other than him, by mistake.

I knew he was going to try to get back together with his ex wife. When I confronted him I asked him again if he wanted me and his daughter (with me), or at least if he wanted anything to do with our daughter. He told me he did not, he never did, and that he already had a daughter. And he left.

When his plans did not work out he came back to settle for us and I let him to an extent. I can't really be with him romantically anymore but I wondered if my daughter should have her father in her life.

So now it has been two years since and I have gotten to know him more. I no longer think he is good for my daughter. He is controlling and abrasive when he is around (to babysit when I work) but otherwise absent until he wants to look good by showing her off to make people like him even though he has had nothing to do with the beautiful, smart, sweet girl she has become. he uses her to his advantage but I sense no love for her from him. he also contributes nothing financially and is never interested in what she wants or what makes her happy. I would be perfectly fine, actually happy, if he left us. I don't even want money or support from him, but he just sticks around pretending he and I are in a relationship, though there is none. I am afraid to break up with him because I fear he would use her to hurt me with custody stuff. I don't even want her to spend mere weekends with him if custody issues came up because I think he would neglect and/or hurt her. She is a possession to him, not a person with feelings. She also does not like him. She confides that she actually hates him and gets depressed when it is his night to babysit. I feel like I am failing her a little by allowing him in our lives, but he is ugly and vengeful when he feels jilted and I fear that more.

What on earth do I do? I there any way out of this situation?

Find out what your legal situation actually is; do you actually know if he's got any legal rights over her? Especially if he's never contributed anything financially? Also if he does turn vengeful and aggressive there may be child protection issues here - do you have any evidence that he would hurt or neglect her? If so, you need to document this.

It sounds as though you have so many fears that they are preventing any action right now - you need to find out exactly which courses of action are open to you before deciding what to do.

Definitely seek legal advice. It probably would've been favorable to have taken any action when he initially left you for his ex wife. I'm not sure where you live but 'generally' custody is awarded to the mothers in a lot of cases in the US but some states like mine favors joint custody unless the one of the parent can be proved unfit. The financial support if you can prove may help; rarely especially young children's opinions are counted. I believe only Texas considers such hearing when a child is at least 12 years old. Even then it's up to the judge to take their words in consideration.

This totally depends on where you live. If you are in the US, many states automatically award full custody to the mother if they aren't married to the father. The father starts out with no rights at all and must take court actions to prove he's the father and that it's right that he should get them. Now he could in theory mount a court battle to try to wrestle custody away, but unless he's been a key part of her life so far that is unlikely to happen. Best he could probably get is joint legal custody. Likely physical custody would stay with you and he would also be ordered to pay child support.

If you are not in the US, then I don't know. You'd have to check your local laws and procedures.

As sidehop mentioned, get some good legal advice first. Then you can decide what your next steps are.

Whats your locale ? In the US, nobody can take custody away from a mother unless there are very real child-endangerment sorts of things going on.

In the US, nobody can take custody away from a mother unless there are very real child-endangerment sorts of things going on.

Oh, that's overstating things quite a bit. If it can be shown that it is in the best interest of the child for the father to have primary custody then courts can and will rule that way. But the burden of proof is pretty steep. And it is even steeper for a very young child. But don't think it is impossible. I have seen it done.