My Views On Sex Make Me Feel Very Un-American...Am I Alone?

Most American men (and women) tend to engage in premarital sex and I am in the minority as a virgin.

I have a great respect for other cultures for the chastity of their men and women. I believe this to be essential for the establishment of real relationships. To me any sex resulting from this type of relationship would be even better.

I don't feel like I really fit here and I tend to bond the best with young women from other cultures (particularly African/ Middle Eastern) because they share my beliefs. I mean they have professional degress and have gotten into great relationships sans premarital sex. This is what I want my daughters to be about and I'm having trouble figuring out if they will get that in this culture.

It's like Western culture defines the validity of a relationship based on sex while other cultures advance through more meaningful connections.

Does anyone else ever wonder about this?

Are there any virgins who feel like their choice isn't consistent with this culture?

Be very careful about how you interpret the social mores of other cultures. Often you will find that there are double standards...the "marriageable" women are expected to be virgins but the men find other women to sleep with...the women they don't consider marriageable. So the woman may not necessarily find a man who never had pre-marital sex although he may make claims to the contrary. However, I do agree that Western culture is too focused on sex rather than on the other aspects of a relationship.

The beauty of America is that there are all beliefs. Go to any smaller, religious town and you'll find tons of people who agree with you on premarital sex.

I'm very conservative on who I decide have to sex with and others aren't. That's ok. Other people's choices don't really affect my view on sex.

I'm a virgin, a convert to Islam, and the son of a mixed couple (my dad's BDeshi and my mom's American). They both waited and taught me to do so...later on, I made the conscious decision to remain a virgin till marriage (the lifestyle is now mine). Having a connection to both cultures and thus an understanding of them, I can relate to both. Hence, I can understand your concerns, as it pains me whenever I see people from my dad's side abandoning their traditional values in regards to sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. As for my decision being inconsistent with this culture, I'd have to disagree...as American culture is so diverse....there's such a thing as 'straight-edge' after all, wherein one chooses to abstain from consuming alcohol or drugs and to abstain from engaging in promiscuous sex (i.e. outside of a committed relationship). However, I do feel at variance with what many term the mainstream in this culture, so I can understand one's having reservations with American culture in general.

See ya on the flipside,

Tempest Desh

P.S.: As far as the dating thing is concerned, what are your views on it?

It's american to be accepting and open to a range of beliefs, in my opinion.

Be very careful about how you interpret the social mores of other cultures. Often you will find that there are double standards...the "marriageable" women are expected to be virgins but the men find other women to sleep with...the women they don't consider marriageable. So the woman may not necessarily find a man who never had pre-marital sex although he may make claims to the contrary. However, I do agree that Western culture is too focused on sex rather than on the other aspects of a relationship.

The culture I'm referring to make that applicable to both men and women. I grew up spending lots of time playing with kids from these cultures and saw how it all worked. It just seemed like sex while important was not a determining factor and all of those couples are still very much in love and married. I don't see this in western culture.

The beauty of America is that there are all beliefs. Go to any smaller, religious town and you'll find tons of people who agree with you on premarital sex.

 

I'm very conservative on who I decide have to sex with and others aren't. That's ok. Other people's choices don't really affect my view on sex.

I'm the same. I'm liberal about sex in terms of the fact that I feel that it's perfectly healthy and that everyone should explore their sexuality(in a sense) but I'm conservative in the sense that I don't really believe in casual sex, one night stands, or sex that isn't resulting form a long-term serious committed loving relationship. I do sort of feel that a lot of people have sex with multiple partners without realizing the significance of the "act" and the after effects of doing it in this manner(STDS, emotional consequences, pregnancies, etc choosing the wrong partner, not being objective about a relationship). On the other hand I believe that "sex" is completely healthy and normal--so whether people have it with one, zero, or multiple people as long as they are secure with their choices then so be it.

Rouge,

Have you considered moving to a different country(I'm not saying that to be ignorant either) or raising your children in a religion that sort of mirrors your views. For instance my grandfather is muslim--I know that through cousins, and such, that ALL of them are still virgins and are very modest and conservative regarding sex. They all have professional degrees, are very accomplished, and have managed to find healthy loving relationships with men within their religion that are the same. Just something to consider--though the western influence is strong in the USA, that doesn't mean that everyone adopts those values and beliefs. As Fudgie said there are plenty of people within this country that raise their children in religious conservative households and the children mirror the views you have about sex and relationships.

Either way it's all about how you raise your children, the environment you raise them in, and your value system. I've noticed that East Africans, Middle Eastern, etc are notorious for raising their children to become doctors, engineers, (it's sort of like the path that is carved out--whether they want to or not) etc and to wait until they are married before having sex.

I used to want to raise my children with this sort of religious upbringing, but as I've grown up I've sort of adapted some hippie views on how I would raise my kids in some respects and when it comes to sex I'm on the fence due to my religious background(Christian).

I think dating is fine and I have dated multiple people but I have never had sex with them and I didn't even kiss all of them. I felt like that wasn't necessary for determining compatibility.

The beauty of America is that there are all beliefs. Go to any smaller, religious town and you'll find tons of people who agree with you on premarital sex.

 

I'm very conservative on who I decide have to sex with and others aren't. That's ok. Other people's choices don't really affect my view on sex.

I understand what you mean. Did you grow up in a small town?

Wow it is fascinating to see your interest. Might I remind you about the honour killings and such ridiculous things that go on in the name of family honour and morality? Yes, it means, if you were born here(meaning a third world country), you would be subject to repression. Sure some women like it but that is because they are so brainwashed that they can't think straight.

You can be in America and live the way you want to.

I am chaste because, well, I don't have a choice. I don't have the right to live in the way I want to because it will bring dishonour to my family. If that is what you prefer, then well and good.

Don't ever get to thinking your views on preserving your virginity are "un-American."

Many Americans hold to those views. Therefore, the views aren't un-American.

I once dated a 30 y/o virgin woman. Unfortunately, she was highly judgemental and criticized my limited expeirence at that time (5X at 29 y.o.- what's that? One encounter every other year or so?). So don't get judgemental, which it doesn't sound like you are.

You may be confusing what you see in mass media (magazine articles, TV gossip channels, websites, etc.) as being representative of the public at large.

Your views are fine. Hold to them. You'll likely find someone who also holds those views. Do a search online and see how many other virgin men there are out there. It might surprise you.

It's american to be accepting and open to a range of beliefs, in my opinion.

Well said.

I have considered relocating. I think that while sex is healthy and normal it blinds people. I have lots of cousins, friends and associates who have been pregnant (whether carried to term or not) multiple times by boyfriends, had drunk escapades, and made other seriously dangerous errors that just make me feel like I don't fit into this. I think you can have fun and be a lady. Fortunately I have attracted very respectful men and interestingly enough all of them were willing to wait for me and they voiced that they wished more women were actively waiting. I feel like this generation is lost when it comes to sex. When I look at my African/Middle Eastern friends they seem so much more graceful than the girls gone wild crew that I attended college with.

It's american to be accepting and open to a range of beliefs, in my opinion.

Understandable but hegemony makes all-American views mean European or White by root. So while accepting of other beliefs regarding sex, the dominant views on sex are more consistent with European culture.

Wow it is fascinating to see your interest. Might I remind you about the honour killings and such ridiculous things that go on in the name of family honour and morality? Yes, it means, if you were born here(meaning a third world country), you would be subject to repression. Sure some women like it but that is because they are so brainwashed that they can't think straight.

 

You can be in America and live the way you want to.

 

I am chaste because, well, I don't have a choice. I don't have the right to live in the way I want to because it will bring dishonour to my family. If that is what you prefer, then well and good.

I grew up around some of those women you are referring to and they felt free from societal pressures regarding sex and whatnot due to those values.

I'm actively looking for more young women who share my beliefs because being friends with those who don't has been difficult. I mean I don't want to chat about porn or attend parties where young women think penis shaped cakes are hilarities. I have held hands with friends who have terminated pregnancies, contracted STD's, been left hanging by men who felt the thrill was gone or that they weren't sexy enough and just listened to excuse after excuse for what I believe to be an unwillingness to exercise self control in order to find a mate. I'm growing weary.

Don't ever get to thinking your views on preserving your virginity are "un-American."

 

Many Americans hold to those views. Therefore, the views aren't un-American.

 

I once dated a 30 y/o virgin woman. Unfortunately, she was highly judgemental and criticized my limited expeirence at that time (5X at 29 y.o.- what's that? One encounter every other year or so?). So don't get judgemental, which it doesn't sound like you are.

 

You may be confusing what you see in mass media (magazine articles, TV gossip channels, websites, etc.) as being representative of the public at large.

 

Your views are fine. Hold to them. You'll likely find someone who also holds those views. Do a search online and see how many other virgin men there are out there. It might surprise you.

The most popular guy at my undergrad was a virgin and we clicked instantly. In fact he was the only guy I ever trusted totally from the start. The only issue was that I didn't have strong feelings for him like he did for me. He was very kind though and we still keep in touch.

How old are you, Rouge Kali, if we can inquire? I'm assuming early-mid 20s.

Early twenties.

I have considered relocating. I think that while sex is healthy and normal it blinds people. I have lots of cousins, friends and associates who have been pregnant (whether carried to term or not) multiple times by boyfriends, had drunk escapades, and made other seriously dangerous errors that just make me feel like I don't fit into this. I think you can have fun and be a lady. Fortunately I have attracted very respectful men and interestingly enough all of them were willing to wait for me and they voiced that they wished more women were actively waiting. I feel like this generation is lost when it comes to sex. When I look at my African/Middle Eastern friends they seem so much more graceful than the girls gone wild crew that I attended college with.

I agree with you actually. I believe a lot of people(women and men) have sex too soon, premature, or even when they probably shouldn't be and it does blind them when it comes to determining whether a person is compatible or right for them. I do feel as though a lot of people have a "carefree" approach to sex and I think it can be healthy in one way but also very unhealthy if a person is looking for commitment and isn't secure with themselves. Personally I'm against casual sex and I've said on here plenty of times.

I think having fun and being a lady is crucial in how people(especially men) can perceive you.

And I do agree that certain cultures do seem to be more graceful and modest in many ways. One thing that I have noticed is that they seem to be more modest, conservative, and are very motivated to do well in life(career, financially, and choosing a "so"). But as a downfall, I do notice that a lot of my middle eastern/african friends have a path carved for them, and strict upbringings that I do feel can be limiting in some ways. For instance I had a friend who had NO desire to be a doctor and her parents were insistent on her following that path. When she told them she would like to be a teacher, they told her that was not acceptable and made it clear that she was to be a doctor and marry a "well-to-do" men within their religion. I think it's to each their own sort of thing.

I like some parts of middle eastern/african culture but some "aspects" are just not the way I would want to raise my child. There are certain parts of Chicago where there are a large portion of those within the Muslim faith all residing in certain areas. You may want to consider moving to an area like this in your state, or if it's a big deal to you just moving period.

I'm actively looking for more young women who share my beliefs because being friends with those who don't has been difficult. I mean I don't want to chat about porn or attend parties where young women think penis shaped cakes are hilarities. I have held hands with friends who have terminated pregnancies, contracted STD's, been left hanging by men who felt the thrill was gone or that they weren't sexy enough and just listened to excuse after excuse for what I believe to be an unwillingness to exercise self control in order to find a mate. I'm growing weary.

Have you thought about joining clubs, groups, or meetup groups that have the same sort of "views" as you. There are groups such as these that exist. Personally I'm okay with being friends with people who've made mistakes(either sexually, emotionally, or in men). Most of my friends(even me included) have made faulty decisions regarding men, sex, pregnancies, etc. At one point I did stop being friends with a friend who I felt was sleeping around too much, and making really bad decisions regarding men, but later on as I've gotten older, I've appreciated differences in views, as well as the fact that everyone has their own standards and expectations for how they want to live their lives--and even if they differ from mine, it doesn't mean they are wrong or that something is "wrong" with them or me. It just what it is But I can completely understand if because you don't mirror some of these more "liberal" values that you may want to seek out friends that are similar to you and that aren't going through many of these "problems" that your current friends are going through.

Kali,

I prefer sex before marriage because I feel that sexual compatibility is essential. You cannot assume that because a person has waited until marriage that sex will be any better or that person will be any more compatible.

My closest female friend is non-religious and has sex but more and more she is really starting to mirror my views and the funny thing is that I have never mentioned how I really feel to her. It's like overnight she just decided that being liberal sexually was detrimental to her relationships. I have joined groups for people who think like me but unfortunately lots of members were drafted to the other side so to speak due to feelings of alienation. I mean when you're in the minority and look abnormal that can be difficult.

Kali,

 

I prefer sex before marriage because I feel that sexual compatibility is essential. You cannot assume that because a person has waited until marriage that sex will be any better or that person will be any more compatible.

I totally disagree with that statement on the grounds that it makes the implication that sex is paramount to love/compatibility. I don't know about other virgins but my fiance and I have definitely addresses our desires and needs, with the help of an amazing sex therapist and we'll have a lifetime to get it right. Sex is often overrated and compatibility in that department won't aid you in your old age when men naturally decline in performance ability. Plus, I can learn and it'll all be new to me whereas some other woman may already have a style or there may be comparisons to former partners. I truly believe that the idea of sexual compatibility as prereq for marriage or a committed relationship is a very western idea and consequently a very pervasive one due to hegemony.

Rouge, during my 20s, I was what you might call a born-again virgin. I know it may be odd hearing a man call himself that. I only refer that way to myself in hindsight.

My HS GF told me "I never try anything" though it was my responsibility as well for not being the man I should have been toward her.

I became a believing Christian in college and didn't have any kind of sex until my late 20s.

I wasn't a believer in HS and didn't really know why premarital sex was taboo- though it did feel wrong. She and I felt loads of guilt the few times we did that and long regreted it.

She has mutual friends with me on face book and I know she can see my posts on the HS 1980 graduating class fb page. Curiously, she didn't come to the reunion this summer even though she lives in the same town! I'm hoping her decision wasn't bec. of me.

While I said I had limited experience (5X) before I got engaged in my 30s, I don't really consider that "making love" - as in giving your heart, soul and body to the other person. That didn't happen until I met my future wife.

So you are on the right track and it is worth waiting for - the chance to give yourself completely to your loved one.