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Thread: why does he insist on trying to be friends?

  1. #1
    hear_her_roar
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    why does he insist on trying to be friends?

    I feel over him. I fell for him hard and fast and he dumped me out of nowhere, and I think that's why I took it so hard at first. But I've moved on.

    But what I want to know is why do guys, who seemed so bent on getting you and so crazy about you, insist on wanting to be friends after they dump you? I've heard that line tons before but my ex and I had numerous discussions about whether we should get back together or not because he really did care for me and didn't want to imagine a life without me. He kept insisting that I was the only girl he ever dated that he would be really upset if I started hating on him.

    Because I was all heartbroken and still missed him, I used to text and email him a bit to see how we was. But lately, I've stopped because I really don't feel like I care how he is and have moved on. Since I've stopped contacting him - it's been two or three weeks - he's started texting ME constantly to see how I am, ask about my life, ask if we can still hang out as friends, etc. He even asked if I was still designing his tattoo and painting him some stuff, which I obviously said I wasn't.

    It's just weird. We hang out with some of the same people but we weren't good friends before, and I see of no reason why we should be friends now. So how come as soon as I move on with my life and start being happy, he feels the need to make contact?

  2. #2
    HeartGoesOn
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    If you were initially texting and e-mailing him after the breakup, I'm sure he saw that as you were not moving on, and wanted to stay in contact.

  3. #3
    guynextdoor
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    Only reason I can think of is maybe you are his back up plan if his current fling fails. Seriously stick with NC. Oh and designing a tattoo for him, make it a sweet butterfly on his lower back to match his new girlfriends tattoo.

  4. #4
    FreakAndUnique
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    There is always a social context - if I blew out a woman who I wouldn't see again, then I wouldn't force the friendship thing. But if the woman is a part of my social circle, or someone I work with .... it would be better to remain on speaking terms, otherwise it would be like having a bombshell in the brain every time you see them.

    It just depends. I feel that the "friendship" thing is just a way of making things less awkward really.

  5. #5
    lavenderdove
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    I don't know why that is... some people just want you around like a security blanket or familiar teddy bear they hang onto for security and attention when they need it.

    I had one guy who was just desperate to keep me in his life as a 'friend' even after he married... but he married a woman i think he didn't love but who had buckets of money (unlike myself), and he thought he could try to have her posh lifestyle and money while hanging onto me in the background for love (and lied about his marriage to me). Needless to say i dumped his sorry behind when i found out, even though he made NUMEROUS attempts to keep me in his life.

    So for some people is just selfishness... they want what they want, and if he really liked you on multiple levels, he may try to keep you around while still keeping his freedom to pursue other women. Obviously there is nothing in it for you so i'd cut him off.

  6. #6
    hear_her_roar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lavenderdove [Register to see the link]
    I don't know why that is... some people just want you around like a security blanket or familiar teddy bear they hang onto for security and attention when they need it.
    That's what I feel like he's doing! He used me as an emotional crutch of sorts and I was the first person he'd met that he was able to spend lots of time with and still have fun. I was the first person, friend or otherwise, that he actually "clicked" with apparently... and he's making me feel like he actually expects the shoulder to cry on, the drinking buddy, the jamming partner to still be there EVEN THOUGH he deemed me "not good enough to date". I mean he repeatedly said how I was the best girlfriend ever and he felt so much for me and thought I was awesome... it just "wasn't for him". I don't even know, it's warped to me.

  7. #7
    lavenderdove
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    ^^
    I know just how you feel... i was STUNNED when i learned the guy i was dating had married someone else and still genuinely expected me to act like nothing happened and still carry on like nothing had changed.

    People who do this kind of thing are really just being greedy... they want it all, and want to have other people be like a drive thru window where whenever they're in the mood for you they get to pull in and ask for something, but owe you absolutely nothing. They see other people as conveniences or puppets in their own little game... They also tend to compartmentalize people, and go to one person for sex, another for emotional support etc. Or just like to keep a harem of women so that they always have a backup plan if their current whim falls thru.

    And it's really disturbing because they aren't thinking about your feelings in the least, just getting what they want for themselves.

    I wouldn't give the guy the satisfaction of your friendship... i'd tell him something to the effect of, 'you made your choice and it wasn't me so you don't get to keep me...' That's what i told the guy who behaved this way with me, that he had his chance with me and blew it, and just because he was being greedy enough to think he could marry one women for money and keep me around for love didn't mean i had to go along with this stupid plan that had nothing in it for me! He was sure sitting pretty for himself, but a BAD deal for me (and for his wife though he tried to keep both of us in the dark about it).

    So i'd just tell him, sorry, i'm not interested in friendship with you, works for you, but not for me... then cut him off.

  8. #8
    johnm3
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    my ex really wanted to remain friends... she didn't think the fact that she left me for some random guy who proceeded to dump her was a big enough deal to rule out friendship.

    I called her on the phone when she was getting way too 'friendly' with texts to tell her to stop wasting her time because I do not want to be friends (she didn't get the hint of me ignoring her texts for a week...). then she started to cry and make excuses, but still said she didn't want a relationship, she just wanted friendship at the moment (which I would have been fine with IF she had no problem getting into a relationship with another guy). basically after listening to her cry that she has no one to talk to and is so depressed, etc... I caved.

    let me tell you, that whole night, even though we hung out just like old times... I felt like absolute crap, being used is a terrible feeling. not only do you not have them at that point, but you also don't have any self-respect and your mind is constantly reanalyzing everything they do. it's terrible.

    next day, sent her an email telling her i couldn't be friends & wished her well.

  9. #9
    oldenoughtoknow
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    You are so lucky to be done with him. Don't let him suck you back. Maybe he's realizing his mistake. Maybe he's feeling lonely and wants emotional support. Maybe he's feeling horny and wants a hookup. Maybe he's just checking to see if you're still into him to boost his sagging ego. Do you know what the real answer is here? Who cares!

    He feels the need to make contact. He wants to be friends. Who cares!

    You've moved on. Let him wallow in his own bad decision.

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