I am almost 30 years old, and my parents still control my life.

They control my life. They really do. There is hardly a single thing that I do that they don't know about or have to approve of first. They drop by my house all the time, like they are doing some sort of surprise inspection or something. They call, and if I don't answer, they will call fifteen times, or just show up unannounced. I cannot date anyone or pursue a relationship because my parents won't share me with anyone. I had two bad relationships in the past, and my parents won't move past it. I love them very much and I don't want to damage our relationship. I would never abandon them, but they just cling to me. I think it is because I am an only child. The worst part is that when they are gone, I will be left here all alone because I am not allowed to have anyone else in my life. I know this must sound totally ridiculous. I can't really think of any reason for them to treat me this way, I have tried very hard to be a "good kid", and to make them proud of me. Nothing seems to be enough, they just insist on treating me like I am an incompetent child. Does anyone have any idea what I should do about this?

Stop answering their calls. Make them see they are ridiculous and if they say that they are going to show up unannounced, tell them you will call the police.

They are bullying you and it's verging on abuse, IMO.

You are a grown woman and unless you have a disability or something where you need to rely on people taking care of you, yo ushould be capable. I am young and moved out of my house at 18. Parents contact has been limited since I got married, but our relationship isn't affected by it.

Why are you afraid to confront them is my question for you....

I love my parents. They are wonderful people. They are not doing this to be hurtful. I guess I just can't get up the guts to tell them to back off a little. I have tried before, and the results are terrible. Everyone starts yelling and crying. Ugghh. I am so confused.

You need to muster up the courage and do so. Of course they'll start crying and going off on how they do it because they love you, blah blah. But honestly they are being over the top ridiculous in their actions and they need to realize that. They are hindering your growth by being so overbearing.

Tell them over the phone, or in public so you can either hang up or leave if they start being rude. I think that they know what they are doing and they are manipulating you for their own advantage and it's not fair to you at ALL!

I second Marooney's advice. They sound borderline abusive and isolating and you need to take a hard line against them, you can't just tell them to back off.

Trust me, they'll come crawling back once you let them back into your life. It doesn't sound like they have much else to do.

For now, tell them you want space, stop answering their calls, and tell them not to come over or you'll get the police involved.

Well if you've tried talking and mentioning how much you would like to find someone to share your life with as they have and it falls on deaf ears then maybe its time for a more radical approach - putting physical distance.

Spread your wings and move to a new state however with Texas as big as it is maybe just moving accross the state. Either way show your parents your an adult and as an adult you have a life which is separate from theirs and needs to meet your needs not just theirs.

There is nothing wrong with telling your parents you love them dearly but if they don't get a life and join a bowling league or bridge club and let you have some room to breathe you'll have to find it elsewhere.

Part of me thinks that perhaps you rely on your parents a bit too much as well - its nice to have a safety net but you are tired of their terms... so show them you are a big girl with your own hopes and dreams!

I know I rely on them too much. In fact it's worse than that. I can't move. I live in a house that my parents and I own together. They have a great deal of financial control over my life as well. I honestly feel trapped and I don't know how to move forward.

Find a therapist who makes house calls and have him/her there the next time your parents come over. Intervention. Sounds like professional help may be necessary to help you and your parents overcome this issue.

I love my parents. They are wonderful people. They are not doing this to be hurtful. I guess I just can't get up the guts to tell them to back off a little. I have tried before, and the results are terrible. Everyone starts yelling and crying. Ugghh. I am so confused.

You need to set up boundaries and tell your parents to back off. You are an adult and are allowing your parents to control your life, which is very unhealthy. Do you have a job?

I know I rely on them too much. In fact it's worse than that. I can't move. I live in a house that my parents and I own together. They have a great deal of financial control over my life as well. I honestly feel trapped and I don't know how to move forward.

Ahhhh...here it is...here's the underlying thing. I'd say move out and move back in when they need assistance at old age. Unless they LITERALLY have a hold of your finances in that you share an account. You need to start life over.

I stopped working last summer in order to apply to law school. I did and now i am looking for a job again. I am worried though, that if I get accepted to law school (and I don't think I will, btw), I will be under their control again. It feels like I can't win this.

If you get accepted, live off loans.

If you don't I'd say get loans and restart by yourself.

I am sorry but you keep making excuses and that's not going to fix anything...You've gotta be proactive and go for this! if it drives you as crazy as you make it sound, you've gotta WANT to change.

I stopped working last summer in order to apply to law school. I did and now i am looking for a job again. I am worried though, that if I get accepted to law school (and I don't think I will, btw), I will be under their control again. It feels like I can't win this.

Is there someone else you can stay with? maybe extended family or friends...

The very last thing I want to do is sound like I am whining and making excuses. This is stupid, but I am afraid of hurting them. If I try to become more independent, I am afraid that they will think I am trying to abandon them. It really isn't that I am trying to be lazy and dependent, I am honestly afraid that if I try to move on in my life, I will make them feel hurt and abandoned. And, no, there is no one else. I think that in and of itself may be a problem for me. My parents are really the only people who I have any significant interaction with. Yeah, that sounds pretty messed up. How in the world did I wind up in this sort of emotional malestrom?

The very last thing I want to do is sound like I am whining and making excuses. This is stupid, but I am afraid of hurting them. If I try to become more independent, I am afraid that they will think I am trying to abandon them. It really isn't that I am trying to be lazy and dependent, I am honestly afraid that if I try to move on in my life, I will make them feel hurt and abandoned. And, no, there is no one else. I think that in and of itself may be a problem for me. My parents are really the only people who I have any significant interaction with. Yeah, that sounds pretty messed up. How in the world did I wind up in this sort of emotional malestrom?

You are an adult, so you are supposed to move out of the house and be independent. You can't stay with your parents forever. I feel like you are making excuses and are just "comfortable" with where you are at. Your parents basically take care of you still and you are letting them. Keep looking for a job and apply for loans. Then move out somewhere. You need to start being independent and doing things on your own. Your parents will be just fine without you..

Of course you don't want to hurt them, they are your parents and their only crime is to love you too much and too intensely. It seems that they have got too used to having this control over you and bearing in mind you are an only child it is all they know. They are getting it wrong but I doubt they realise this. I think you need to be more vocal. You need to set boundaries and let you parents know what these boundaries are and why you are setting. You MUST stand firm and keep repeating yourself until the message gets through to them.

Okay, apparently, I have done an extremely poor job of explaining this problem. I do not live with or depend on my parents. We do, however, have a great deal of emotional emeshment issues. We hold some assets together, but they do not "take care" of me. Thank you all very much for your help and understanding.

You may be an adult in age, but you haven't grown up. You're still living under your parent's extended roof. You're not working. Are you paying a mortgage or paying your parents rent? Are you even paying for your own groceries and utilities? Who's paying for law school, if that happens? Do you see where I'm going with this? If you want your parents to treat you like an adult, start acting like one.

Its appears to me that you are not strong enough yet to cut the strong ties you have with you parents. The overbearing suffocating relationship you have is as much your decision as it is theirs. I strongly suggest you seek help from a therapist to help gain some insight in why you are so affraid (even though that is clear to me already) and help you gain the strenght you need to face them with help or by yourself. They do not control you..no matter how weak your position may seem. You need to build your selfesteem to a point where you can actually believe that you have the right to live your own life. No matter how many mistakes you make..in life, business or whatever. They are yours to make. Your 85 years on this earth are yours..not your parents.

Your parents may love you, but due to their own fears in live they have become toxic to yours. No matter how much you love them, somewhere in there they have to be made clear that they are not helping your growth. If you fear to loose their love just because you are not perfect, than there is something wrong as well and you have been sacrificing your grown up years for a bunch of people who will never be satisfied with what you do as long its not them making all of the choices for you.

For every financial issue there is a solution. Even going bankrupt is a choice..because if all else fails..you stop making payments and they are down the hole as well. Will they risk that? Will they risk their own life going down the drain because they can't let you go..or are they the martyr types..because that would be yet another way to mentally and emotionally control you?

But it doesnt have to come to that. You can decide to get tenants for your place, so the mortgage is covered. You do not have to live there. Just like someone else has said..Its my believe that because of the very strong hold your parents have on your live..it would be best to move away..far away.

Find a tenant or more..for long term contracts and move away..to another state would be better. Start over, fly out, be your own person. Find the courage and the strenght inside of you to do so. You can rent or share apartments in your new state. We do not all need to buy a house you know..

But get some help first..find yourself a counselor and get to work on yourself..time is ticking. Its about time you start investing in your wellbeing instead of worrying about your parents'.

hi, controlling your kids isn't always the same as loving them, especially in adulthood, your parents kind of missed the mark there if they are trying to control your life still.... there seems to be no such thing as unconditional love in families these days.. Tell them you appreciate, the upbringing but time for the cotton wool to come off and you to live your life independently & privately ... If they start to get aggressive, well maybe its something you need to go through... What my parents couldn't control in their lives they tried to destroy.. I hope that isnt the sort of control they are trying to influence..

You may be an adult in age, but you haven't grown up. You're still living under your parent's extended roof. You're not working. Are you paying a mortgage or paying your parents rent? Are you even paying for your own groceries and utilities? Who's paying for law school, if that happens? Do you see where I'm going with this? If you want your parents to treat you like an adult, start acting like one.

Agree. I think the guilt the OP is expressing is a sign of emotional immaturity. Ultimately, at some point you need to live your own life based on your own goals and ambitions. What's the point of living a life that makes you miserable even if it does keep people happy? You need to make you happy first and foremost.

Spot on!!! broken, you have completely hit the nail on the head!!!! This is exactly what I have been struggling to put into words. KarolineK, I really hope you read this and it soaks in.

I am very sorry that I ever posted anything. I do not understand why you seem to think that they are supporting me. That is not true. I rely entirely on my own finances. Frankly, I came here for advice and support, and you have all just insulted me. Thank you very much. I am not going to waste any more time with you.

None of us is trying to insult you.

Wishing you the best....hope everything works out for you.

I apologize that you feel that I have ruined this for you. That was never my intention and I am sincerely sorry.

And I certainly don't mean to inflict "cruelty"....