"The Itch" - am I a commitment-phobe?

So some of you may/may not recall my posts about how my gf of ~3.5 years and I were really rocky to the point of us "breaking up" every couple of months for the past year or so.

Well recently, we got into a fight because she wanted me to basically agree to marrying her. Not propose, but agree that we will stick together through marriage. At the time, we were still healing from our previous fights, so I told her I'd have to think about it. She was very upset and said that by now "I should know." I could see where she was coming from, but at the same time, I don't think she was seeing where I was coming from.

The thing is that not only do I worry that our personality differences may clash even more when we live together and are married, but we're both in our early 20s and each others' "firsts." I don't feel like it is possible to whole-heartedly say "Yes, I will marry you 3-5 years down the road" when I don't even know if I'm settling or not.

I brought this up with her once. I asked her "Do you ever wonder if we're right for each other? Since we're each others' first SO, how do we know if we're just settling or not?" She started to cry and got upset with me (as usual). I assured her that I love her (I do), but I told her that I felt we were at the point where we should be able to share anything with each other without getting all angry about things.

My gf said to me "You can't just expect everything to be perfect before getting married! A committed relationship is working things out for life!"

I can understand her and see her point. However, I still think that even if we just stick together and "work things out" for the rest of our lives, the fact that I have never had another relationshpi to compare mine to will always haunt the back of my mind.

I believe this is "The Itch?" I do love my gf, but at the same time I feel like I'm not sure if we're just used to being with each other.

So the core questions:

- Am I just a commitment-phobe?

- Since we are each others' firsts, is it reasonable to wonder if we are settling?

- If I am having such doubts, is it fair to stay in this relationship?

Thanks

You may be a commitment phobe, I say that because I have expressed the same concerns to my fiance and what they really signal is a fear of commitment to one person. I think you need some time away form her. Seeing a relationship counselor is also very helpful. How old are you two? Most of the time we are wondering if we shouldn't have dated others before finding our most suitable partner (or our current partner) because that's what society dictates.

I am not sure if you are "commitment phobic" as of yet, I just think that you want to experiment more.

I think, being that you are young and unsure of things, that you need to break things off and experiment. Could be grass-is-greener syndrome, maybe not. I don't think you'd know for sure unless you did it. The fact that bothers me aside from the confusion of commitment is that you guys "break up" so often. If you are fighting that badly and it results in pseudo break ups then I don't think it's worth it.

LOL I think your my ex.

Anyway, break it off with her. My ex was like you. LOL

I guess he was itching to date other people or wanting to get laid. LOL Who knows what you boys do.

I'm pretty sure he and I would be back together.

If I were you, I would break it off to her and date other people. Years down the road, if you find her to be the girl for you come back. ;] You going to have to work for it. You do know that right?

Feel free to PM me.

After reading another post of yours maybe it's because your girlfriend is too clingy? It could be that her behavior(being very attached to you and not giving you space) is turning you off of the idea of spending the rest of your life with her. You may figure--if I feel like my space is invaded by her NOW and we weren't even married OR living together, once we DO take those steps I'll go crazy. Maybe it isn't the commitment in itself that worries you(which is the typical trait of a commitment-phobe) rather it's the fact that the commitment is taking place with your GF that is causing you to take a few steps back. Either you don't feel compatible with her because it seems you two have different meanings when it comes to the time spent with one another and how to deal with fights and that is causing you to have doubts about how you two would be if you were married(which is valid IMO) OR you are young, feel constrained in a relationship that isn't perfect or the way you *want* it to be, and you want to play the field and see if there is another girl out there that is better matched.

Either way, it seems as if you two are on different pages.

I would recommend relationship counseling, but seeing as you two aren't even married, living together, and are VERY young, I just think relationship counseling is a bit much(and may mean you two probably just need to go separate directions). Instead I suggest that maybe you take some "space" from her to assess whether or not you see this relationship with HER going anywhere, what you'd like the relationship to be like if you had it your way, and figure out how you feel about marriage in "general" versus marriage with her.

Good luck.

Thanks for all the replies.

After reading another post on ENA, I realized that the reason why we have so many pseudo-breakups and fight all the time is because she forces us to "resolve" a problem ASAP. I want time to think, she wants to "not go to bed angry," meaning she will squeeze an apology out of me even if it is not sincere.

The same thing happened with the commitment thing. She basically gave an ultimatum saying that if I couldn't decide we may as well break up. So I felt pressured to agree to it. She's happy now, and I was too because I felt that maybe this could work, but now those happy feelings have subsided. I realize that I am holding a lot of resentment against her and I can't have these sort of feelings of resentment and this * * * * ty method of problem-solving be the basis for our relationship.

And as for taking time to have 'space...'

lately my gf and I have both been fairly busy with our own lives, which i thought would be good. I thought if we both have our own things to do then she might find new friends, etc so she won't have to cling to me all the time. Wrong.

because we spend less time during the day together, she practically doesn't let go of me as soon as we are together. For me it's different - I'm meeting new friends and enjoying myself. In fact, I do feel happier now that I have a bit more of the space. I need to have some personal growth. I know this sounds bad, but honestly sometimes I feel drained when I have to spend time with my gf, because all she wants to do is hold onto me and doesn't really want to do anything. I suggest things to do, but she says she doesn't care. But then when we go do something, I can tell she's sort of bored or not really enjoying herself, but doing it because I wanted to. I've told her that I don't like that and we should do something we both like to do, but I think maybe we don't have many hobbies in common.

Anyways, is it bad that I feel happier and freer when I'm not with her? It's not that I dislike spending time with her - we do see eye to eye on many things and talk a lot - but it's more that because we're in our 20s that I feel like I need to try and establish myself outside of the relationship. We have been together almost since high school, and since then it's been all about "us." Now I feel I need to think a bit about "me," but to my gf, that means "drifting away." I actually asked her for a break once, and she said ok but then called me a day later and asked me if I've figured stuff out yet. I don't feel like she understands. Her university education is giving her a more or less clear career path. Mine is not, so i feel like I have to explore a bit.

In fact, I want to travel abroad to teach English which would mean I would be away for at least a year. In the past, I've wanted to go abroad on exchange programs and she basically bawled until I stayed. But this time, I don't think I will budge on it.

I'm afraid it will be a breaking point for our relationship. But at the same time, if on the rare occasion that she offers to come with me, I don't know if I would want her to come with me. She is very bad with travelling and adapting to unusual situations and would thus cling to me even more.

Ughhhhhhh!

I dont think that youre a commitment phobe, what does seem clear is that youre not ready to get married. If that is because you want to date other people, you dont feel that youre financially ready to get married or any other reason you dont want to get married. If you do not have the desire to get married to your gf then dont get married to her. While that will hurt her feelings it will hurt a long less that you getting married to her and breaking up subsequently down the line.

How do I bring this up with her when she feels things are "good" now? It'll be totally out of the blue, and I dont' want her to think that I'm lying to her because I had previously agreed to commit.

How do I bring this up with her when she feels things are "good" now? It'll be totally out of the blue, and I dont' want her to think that I'm lying to her because I had previously agreed to commit.

LOL if you want to pull my ex moved here it is

You: "I've been thinking...we need a break..."

Her: "What? Did I do something wrong?"

You: "No, you didn't do anything wrong."

Her: "Is there something I can fix it?"

You: "No there's nothing you can fix. I'm just unhappy in the relationship."

Her: "Okay..."

You: "I'm just confused. I don't know..."

Her: "Take all the space you want."

You: "Really?"

Her: "Yeah."

You: "Okay..."

Her: "I gotta go. I got plans tonight."

Few weeks later, one of you had to initiate the breakup.

I think it's not good enough you can't seem to talk to her properly without

her crying or whatnot...

Honestly, it seems as though you've already made up your mind.

Do I think you're commitment phobe? Nope, you just want more experience, which is natural. You were each others first everything, of course you're going to want a change or to experiment.

Unless you actually do so, I have a feeling that those feelings will always be there.

Honestly, I think it's probably best that you just end things with her and stop prolonging the inevitable. You're not on the same page together. You don't want to be forced into settling with her when you don't truly feel the same way either. Just my 2 cents.