Text Message Discovery

Hi Everyone,

I've been seeing this guy for four months. He left his long time girlfriend of 8 years to be with me, moved out of the house they just bought and everything. We have a connection like I've never had with anyone else before. In the past two weeks he has seemed a bit distant and so I brought up how he was feeling about them spliting, as they are finishing out the mortgage term and then dividing it up so they still have to talk. I've been really understanding and I get that it is a special circumstance. He's just about finished moving all of his stuff out of their old house. Two nights ago we had a few drinks and some friends over and once they left we were getting ready to go to bed and as he was in the bedroom waiting for me I felt the urge to go into his phone and check the messages. That night we'd been working together too, and while we were working he had sent her a message explaining how the night was and how he missed her and loved her. He assures me that nothing has happened between them since the split but this really hurt because I feel he broke my trust. I want to try and work things out, but I don't know if that's the best idea. He has repeatedly told me that it's just been a few messages and that it's hard because they really built a life together before. I get that, but do I need to let him take time to get over her? Should I just bolt because it's getting screwed up? Part of me thinks so, but at the same time 8 years is a long time and he did leave his whole life to be with me. Obviously there are going to be some remaining feelings on his side of things with her. But it hurt me really bad to know that he was keeping that from me. I talked to him yesterday and we discussed how things need to be open and honest and that stuff like that is not okay. He promised up and down that they had not slept together or anything else and that he had not been seeing her. I believe this because we spend so much time together. Is it just a text message and I'm blowing it out of proportion? Or is this a fundamental breaking of my trust that I can't bounce back from. He's the only guy I've ever dated that I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. I've never even considered it before. Are these special circumstances or is he just screwing with me?

It sounds like he's doing the same thing to you, that he did to her. I'm not sure why you're surprised by this?

It sounds like he's doing the same thing to you, that he did to her. I'm not sure why you're surprised by this?

Exactly.......

I wouldn't put up with this. I think he is taking advantage of you...and her.

Specific situational factors aside, the guy just got out of an eight year relationship with someone he had a lot of ties with. If you had met this guy randomly, would you consider dating him?

You can't get out of an 8 year relationship without carrying any emotional baggage with you. Starting a relationship with someone who abruptly ended this long-term relationship to be with you, is giving you a great front-row view of what it's like to be caught in the middle of this situation. Any break-up needs some time to heal, and being in the middle of this emotionally-intense situation is harmful for you, even though you are not directly involved in this. That being said, the fact that he texted her to say how he misses her and loves her, suggests to me that he does indeed still love and misses her.

You said that they haven't slept together, but this doesn't exclude him loving her and wanting to be with her - don't confuse the two! You deserve to know, and you should confront him about how he feels, not just about what he does (or doesn't do). It sounds like you've been very understanding with what he's going through and showing him support. That's great, but you need to know if he is convinced that he wants to move on and be with you.

Unfortunately this is the drawback of being with someone who walks away from a relationship to be with you. They do not have much of a sense of loyalty and integrity so you will never quite know if they will betray you like they betrayed their ex. Are you sure he is really that worth it? What makes him so special that you would accept a man who would betray his long-term partner.

Sounds like you are about to get what you deserve

Sounds like you are about to get what you deserve

 

Agreed!!!!

All the text message says was he loves her and misses her? That doesn't mean he's done anything. It'd be pretty weird if he didn't still love her and miss after eight years, but that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to go back to her.

I won't be nasty to you with regards to karma because that's not what you came here for, but to get involved with a man like this then you kind of have to expect it to happen to you too. If he did it to his girlfriend of eight years then he can do it to anyone. Grass is green syndrome and all that. Trust me, I learnt the hard way with my ex too, and as much as it's killing me right now I do kind of deserve it. If things do go pear-shaped and your man leaves you (to go back to his ex or whoever) then just consider it a painful lesson learnt, and never steal another woman's boyfriend again!

It does raise an interesting question doesnt it? Why be with a man who can walk out on and betray and destroy the life built with a woman he still loves and misses and supposedly loved for 8 years. I think you have such strong feelings of attraction for him and are so infatuated you want to believe the answer is 'because I'm the one and what we have is soooo special' - but in reality, the answer is much more likely to be because he has issues. Couldnt possibly say with accuracy what they are - but whatever they are - I'd bet they are the type you want to run a mile from.

By the way - you seem to be living with him? Living with someone who has just left an 8 year relationship ??? Do you really need us to tell you this is not wise?

People enter into these types of situations and can be happy. There are no 'rules' to these things.

I get that some people want to say "You get what you deserve.." or "You should know better than to get involved, etc, etc, etc.." but the facts are this - people HAVE left 8+, 10+, 20+ relationships to be with other people and it has worked out.

Maybe we don't like that and can feel that a person lacks integrity, etc...but it does and will continue to happen and people will succeed at it while others don't.

I get that this gal can be warned, etc... but honestly, there is not a cookie-cutter answer either.

My personal opinion is the guy was with someone for quite a period of time. Please do not doubt that you are taking a risk here. It may pan out and it may not but it is a risk. Part of that risk is exactly what you are dealing with in seeing these types of text, etc....No one can say that even if he had 'healed', he wouldn't be doing the same thing either. You need to get an idea of the type of person he is and, at that, you're still taking a risk and hoping for the best.

Maverick

You think anyone can just forget about sb they spend years with? ESP EIGHT YEARS?

Seriously, it's a no brainer. It will take him a very long time to be completely over her.

The problem isn't that he has random feelings of missing her and loving her now and again, the problem is that he is expressing them to her which indicates therre is still a partially open door he may want to go back thru.

He's entitled to his feelings and to work out the sense of loss one has ending a long term relationship, BUT it is inappropriate of him to be expressing those feelings to her and hence keeping the door open to her as a backup plan rather than fully committing to you and cutting off contact with her.

My response to this would be, i understand why you might still have an attachment to someone who was such a big part of your life, however, you have to make a choice and if you choose me, then you need to stop all contact with her including texting her emotions and having conversations with her.

If he's not willing to do that, then it does mean he is still keeping the door open with her, and may go back thru it one day by keeping up his relationship with her in case he decides he made a mistake and wants to go back. At four months you are still in the honeymoon phase with him, but once that wears off, he might go sniffing around her again if she'll have him...

I'm also not gonna judge you, because I did the same thing. And trust me.. karma bit me in the ass. I suggest leaving now.. this kind of thing almost never works out.

I really don't think it's going to work out with you and this guy.

Did he leave this chick for you? or did he end up with you after her? Because theres a big difference there in regards to his character and integrity. That said, it sounds like hes not over her either way. I think youd be best off to tell him you want some space to let him figure out what he needs in his life, and if in 6 months or so he decides thats you, to give you a call. Otherwise I think youre just setting yourself up for more heartache by getting attached to a guy whos heart is already commited elsewhere. Or at least it isnt available to you, 100%

Agreed!!!!

double agreed

are you sure it wasn't her who broke up with him?

maybe he just told you that he left her so he's still the "man".in this case you would be a rebound and you better run a little faster